"Friends"..

[Change]

It's in quotation marks, because they call themselves "friends", but are they really?

Pretty disappointed that two of my so-called friends have not given me one ounce of support since i gave up drinking 11 weeks ago. Not one "congratulations" or "good on you", or question about how I am doing.

Am I alone here and how did you cope? Am quickly beginning to realise that i should be my own "champion" without relying on them.

[Mick]

Hi Change...interesting...do your friends know that you struggled with booze?think a lot of us dont paint the full picture to anyone for various reasons...thats why I believe it is important to post here...everyone knows through experience how difficult it is,and the challenges,choices and decisions that you have to make...the guts and sheer bloody mindedness it takes at times..people here appreciate that..have pride in yourself,you have done it ,you have suffered ,not them...and well done on 11 weeks

[stirly-girly]

Hi Change!
I basically want to reiterate what Mick said. Only an addict who wants to quit can realize how difficult it is whether the substance be alcohol, cigarettes, drugs or whatever. Only we ourselves know how difficult it is for US to be rid of our addiction. People who drink "socially", that is, aren't alcoholics or problem drinkers, really have no idea what it means to be addicted to alcohol and how hard it can be to quit. That's why so many of us have come to MWO, to communicate with and give and get support from people who understand exactly what we are talking about. And even family members who support us really don't realize what goes on in our minds when we are trying to get and stay sober. Unless they are recovering addicts themselves, they can't understand what you're going through because they've never done it themselves. Many of my husband's family members are heavy smokers but would be appalled if you called them "addicts". They smoke and don't want to quit so even they, who are addicted to a substance, still can't understand what it means to battle your addiction. You are your own strength and have proved it by the 11 weeks you are sober. And congratulations for that. It is a huge achievement, even if others don't acknowledge it as such because they don't understand. Be proud of yourself, pamper yourself and stick close to MWO where people DO understand.

Wishing you continued strength,

Stirly

[treetops]

Great going on the 11 weeks Change. I am of the view that we can't expect others to know or understand everything that is going on in our lives. There are a lot of reasons why a friend may not comment on our success in recovery -perhaps they never knew the full extent of our problem, maybe they have an addiction problem themselves, maybe its embarrassing for them to raise this, maybe they have seen us quit before -only to see us go back to drinking and doing stupid things. Or maybe they think they are being kind by not mentioning your sobriety - as in when someone looses weight, does another person say something about this - or will it only imply that they are saying their friend was actually fat before.
As Mick says thats why its important to look for support from those who have been through the same process of quitting and all the changes that come from sobriety. Having said that, its not given that your recovery-buddies can be the same as your friends. So its important also to nurture your friendships - unless of course being with them is detrimental to your recovery. I have shifted with some of my friendships - I dont spend as much time with people who focus on booze. I also try not to be judgmental when I am around friends who are drinking - good luck to them if they can enjoy a drink, but if it gets boozy, I am out of there. These days its not because it would be a trigger but because being with drunk people just really bores me - as I am sure I have bored people in the past when I was drinking. I also have a low threshold level for wine or beer snobs - if I have to be around such types,I just switch off.

[Change]

Thanks for your thoughts everyone. If my friends don't know how important it is for me to be sober, then they haven't been listening! It's the only thing i've turned to them for in recent times, despite me listening to their endless complaints, so it just shows how dedicated these two 'friends' are. Of course, i've had one ot two that have been supportive. I won't write those certain friends off completely, but they'll be on the backburner! I'm going am going to move ahead in my life, and hopefully they'll find a shoulder to cry on next time things go pear-shaped in their lives, because mine won't be there for them anymore.

[aihfl]

Find new friends, and not of the virtual, internet variety found here. If you have preconceived notions about AA, put them aside and try different meetings until you find one that clicks with you. Try to meet people that share similar interests and hobbies.

I'm going am going to move ahead in my life, and hopefully they'll find a shoulder to cry on next time things go pear-shaped in their lives, because mine won't be there for them anymore.

"Resentment is the number one offender. It destroys more alcoholics than anything else." --Alcoholics Anonymous

Look at the situation honestly and ask yourself if you had done anything to alienate these friends while actively drinking. Alcoholics love to throw ourselves a pity party. I've found that once I am able to see my own contributions to a dysfunctional situation, the resentment evaporates.

[Sunbeam]

For whatever reason, your sobriety makes these people uncomfortable. They are perhaps people who you can be with in a group, but not the kind of friends you need now. It's not the kind of issue most people will ask about, because so many are on and off the wagon. Forgive them, let go of your resentment, find other friends.

[Change]

I've done nothing to 'offend' them. Me not being a shoulder to cry on (for them) is more about me setting healthy boundaries for myself so that i am more than a dumping ground for them, which i have allowed myself to be. I don't resent them, i am more disappointed by the faith that i put into other people to 'look after me', so to speak, when i look after them. It's a shift in expectations that i need, and i've got to stop taking care of people and thinking i will get the same back in return! It's a hard habit to break... Distance and lowering my expectations is the key i think. Oh, and setting boundaries for myself, eg, ' i will not spend hours listening to a friend dumping rubbish on me about the relationship they will not leave', when they would not give me the same energy back. Wake up calls are good, and i am definately open to making new friends with healthy boundaries, and respect for others.

[mama bear]

Excellent job on 11 weeks!!!

[tonyniceday]

I applaud you, Change...

I've not succeeded so far and I know how difficult it is... I know my stats and I did 6 days, then failed for 1, then did 9 days and failed for 2 then 11 and failed for 1 then 7 and failed for 3... I gave up counting after that, but after 22 YEARS of pretty solid drinking I don't know if I'll ever make it ... but here's hoping!

[Change]

I applaud you, Change...

I've not succeeded so far and I know how difficult it is... I know my stats and I did 6 days, then failed for 1, then did 9 days and failed for 2 then 11 and failed for 1 then 7 and failed for 3... I gave up counting after that, but after 22 YEARS of pretty solid drinking I don't know if I'll ever make it ... but here's hoping!

tonyniceday,

The big turning point for me was realising there was a problem UNDERNEATH my drinking. I was lonely, isolated and an emotional child underneath it all (and hadn't grown up). The alcohol and every other unhealthy habit (eating, drugs when i was younger, dysfunctional relationships... Oh so many dysfunctional relationships) were all just a DISTRACTION i provided myself to run away from who i am.

Until you face why you first started to drink, you may find it difficult. It is the determination for me to get to the root cause of my problem, and not letting myself cop out anymore that has kept me sober for this long. I hope it lasts, but ultimately, i do not want to let my shortcomings beat me.

I hope that helps in some sort of way!

[daisy45]

That is one great post Kuya!

[Change]

We are terrified of what lies beneath, terrified that 'the real me' is even more fucked up than 'the fake me' we are with booze.

I had progressed from eating disorders to smoking to drinking and then spent a lifetime terrified of what lay beneath.

Amazing post Kuya, thanks for sharing.

I too, am terrified of what lays beneath, probably because I am experiencing it. Just today I realised I do not want to be "with" myself, like i am some sort of "hell". I then had a panic attack, realising I am trapped, cannot run from myself. Argh! Once the anxiety subsided, I felt a tad more self acceptance so hopefully it will get a bit easier (to accept myself) from here.

On another note: I had an argument with aforementioned friend in original post. After telling her I did something to overcome one of my phobias yesterday (probably no big deal to her), she then went on to make light of a simliar situation she found herself in, and said, "i s'pose i'm not making you feel any better by saying this". I responded with, "I don't know WHY you would talk about such a thing when you know it is a major fear for me". She ended the conversation on a quick note, saying "I'll let you go"..

I am so angry right now. The fear I am going to be left with no friends looms above me, but I cannot take how she (and the other one) minimize my fears, and experience of life, while dumping their crap on me (first one, i used to spend 1-2 hours on phone with advising on her dysfunctional relationship) - and this is how i get repaid.

Very disappointed right now, but have to make healthy choices for myself, and standing up for myself and having self-respect is very important right now.

Sorry to dump, just feeling lost, sad and alone. I wish my new "life" would greet me! Just adjusting to having hardly any friends or family contacts.

[Change]

when you like yourself you are always in agreeable company! :happy2:

A free friend, right?!

I realised a lot of problem is isolation. Looked at an inner city apartment this morning. Will be making a move back there asap (without running away).

I have given my power to everyone over the years: it is now time to stop. Although i'm not as angry with the 'friend' now, i've realised she has not been much of a friend at all, expecting me to invest heavily in her, listen intently, however, i don't get much of that in return, and her inconsideration with my phobias, and even talking about a winery region and wine a few months ago when i said i was giving up drinking, is just astounding! You'd think that somebody in their middle ages could be more considerate.

Thanks for the link, i will check it out tonight. Thanks for your kind words too, it's kind of nice to know i am not 'alone', so to speak.

[Justme Again]

Wow! Powerful posts!!

Thanks Kuya. The ice cream idea found a place in my mind!

Change - I understand your feelings re friends and family. I have no contact with any at the moment. This weekend my lil sister and one friend is on my mind. Now, sober, I can consider other ways of looking at our relationships. For now, I am just entertaining thoughts. Don't have to react on it and the thoughts don't even have to be right. I am considering other angles to look at it (them).

It was really good to wake up this morning and to read these posts!