Do You REALLY Want To Be Sober?

[abcowboy]

Well, it’s been awhile since I’ve posted on MWO. I left for personal reasons, and I still have some bad feelings about some of the members, but I’m working through them. I’ve been stopping by every so often to read around and see how things are going. I see that Nora has taken her quit seriously and has become a force on MWO, a great example that you can quit and stay quit if you really want it! I also see Lizker is almost at a year sober, congratulations Lizker! But I also see that many are still struggling, still want to drink more than they want to be sober, and that’s okay as well. Maybe one day they’ll realize that there is no such word as “moderation” in the alcoholic’s dictionary. If there was, they wouldn’t need a recovery forum. I’ve just made some pretty harsh statements, statements that a few of you will take offense to. But ask yourself why you took offense? Have I said anything that isn’t true, or you just don’t like hearing and facing the truth?

For the past months, I’ve been posting on another site, We Quit Drinking. A site much the same as MWO, only it has quite a few more members, and the Cue has it’s share of serial slippers as well. But there are more members that don’t sympathize and cuddle the slippers, they tell it like it is, quitting and staying quit is damn hard, but it can be done! I used to be one of the worst kind of drunks, just ask Bubba, but I have a new outlook on life, a sober outlook. If a drunk like me can achieve over 500 days of sobriety, then anyone can.

So I came back to MWO hoping I might be able to help, to offer support, and share what I’ve been doing to stay sober, and not just stay sober, but enjoy a sober life. If you want the same, you have to be willing to give it your all, no running to the bottle when things get tough, no looking for an excuse or reason to drink when you think life is unfair, no looking for sympathy, hugs, and pats on the back when you slip because you found another reason to drink. There is no reason or excuse strong enough if you really want to quit drinking and stay quit!

So why not make the commitment today, and that’s what it really is, a firm commitment. A commitment to yourself that from this day forward you’re going to be the person you want to be, a person who will gain back the respect and love that they lost in the bottom of a bottle. It really is your choice, you can quit and stay quit, or you can look for another excuse. The choice is pretty simple in my book.

I’m not going to thread hop and post all over the site. I’m not going to start a bunch of threads and try to get to them all. And I’m not going to give up the work I’ve been doing on We Quit Drinking. This will be my thread, you’ll find support and help in my posts or you won’t. But don’t badmouth me if you don’t like what I say, because everything I say is what helped me to stay AF for the past 16 months. Maybe some of it can help you....

Over on the Cue, I made a statement in one of my journals and another member commented that I explained lasting sobriety in that simple statement. I now use it as my signature because it is what sobriety is all about.

[Guitarista]

Good to see you back posting ABC. Hope all's well with you and yours.

Yes, commitment. Pure and simple. I would head straight for the bottle for instant 'gratification'. i.e. Instant temporary relief from a feeling. So i am learning how to see this coming and head it off at the pass. So far so good. Take care mate.

[abcowboy]

You're an anchor here G-man! Good to see you're steady on course! And you're right, head those thoughts off before they get into your head!

[lex]

Glad you are here again, Cowboy. I missed you! I look forward to reading your solid posts. lex

[southshoregirl]

Well to be honest if I wasn't working and I didn't have a family then I don't know how motivated I would be to stay sober. The thought of losing my job and my family helps me do what I need to do to stay sober. Not saying that fear is enough to keep me sober but it's a huge motivator.

I have to say serial slippers/relapsers don't bother me, because I was one myself. I don't think I was looking for excuses to drink, so much as I hadn't found a way to live sober yet.

I have a close friend that is drinking heavily. Sometimes I grow impatient with her because I think "I figured this thing out, why can't she." I have to remember that just three months ago I was in the exact same situation. I would call her and she would be one of the only people that listed to me without judgement and gave me a shoulder to cry on. I didn't care that she was drinking because so was I. Who knows maybe in a year I'll be drinking again and she'll be sober. So every time I feel myself getting impatient with someone who is still drinking, or is a serial relapser, I have to remember to see myself in them.

[Glass Half Empty]

Hi ABC
I’m glad you’ve found something that works for you and I appreciate that you’re sharing that with others. I agree with you in many ways and I certainly don’t “take offence at your harsh statements”.

I also understand that your post is intended to motivate.

However, I will give sympathy and hugs to people who slip, because we are human and I have compassion. And I will also give pats on the back to someone who has worked hard but occasionally makes a mistake.

Do you think we could perhaps address this problem with a combination of the two approaches?
:hug:

[abcowboy]

What you say is true southshoregirl, nothing or no one can help people unless they want to be helped. I have a friend where I live who is/was a member of my AA home group when I attended AA. He's been to rehab 3 times and has been going to AA for over 6 years, and he's still drinking. There's not much I can say to him that hasn't already been said. I've offered all the support I can, but it's not enough. He refuses to close the door on alcohol, leaves it open just a crack in case he needs to run back to it. And he will, time and time again until he wants to be sober more than he wants to drink. He's not ready to make the commitment needed to obtain lasting sobriety. And no one can help him until he does. Getting sober isn't something to take lightly. It isn't something we work at for a few months, it's a lifelong commitment. Until you make that commitment, your next slip/relapse is just around the corner.

[NoraC]

Cowboy - I am happy that you are finding what you need to stay on course. That is great. Congrats on your 500 days and here's to a million more.

But, I am not comfortable with your approach because I am a serial relapser. I have been relapsing for the past 7 years. So, please do not look to me as someone that is an example. I am certainly no leader or force here. I am taking it one step at a time just like I always have.

I am still here after all of my relapses because of the support I have received here. People offered advice and helped me try again. I doubt that most of us come back here looking for sympathy, hugs and pat on a back. We come back because we made the wrong choice and want to learn to make the right one. We wanted some encouragement that there is hope. We have to force ourselves to come back yet again and share our story. That is not easy to keep coming back and admitting that we drank. But, we keep coming back here because we want to find what will work for us.

I am finding my way out and it is wonderful. I am so grateful. But, this is MY way out - it's not one size fits all. If I had been greeted with tell it like it is and no encouragement to try again, then I would not be here today. That is a for sure.

So, I'm going to continue offering support and encouragement.

[Sunbeam]

Cowboy, it is good to see your words, and I am glad you are doing well.

I think everyone quits when they are ready, but not before.

The person most like me in the world in some ways is my older sister. She still drinks, and usually denies that she has a problem. She almost died once due to alcohol: fell down outside at night and broke her hip, couldn't get up, a neighbor found her and called an ambulance. She has had multiple DUI's, lost her license. But she still drinks.

I'm done drinking. I experienced no major crisis, just got tired of seeing my life get wasted. I was ready, she is not. But I posted here for a few years before I was ready, as reality gradually sank in.

I think it's important to have a web site like this, where people are supported through multiple starts and stops. You can watch others learn, you learn from their mistakes and learn from the examples of those who have quit. So many of us aren't ready to quit, and this is a place we can slowly learn how to be successful. This is what worked for me.

Like Nora, I stick around both as a reminder to myself of where I've been, and occasionally offer the right words at the right time for others.

[abcowboy]

I appreciate all the comments, I really do but I think my message wasn’t really clear. I want to help those struggling, but not to the point where I become an enabler. And I think in some situations that happens, and I’m guilty of doing it and also have been in the position of receiving it. I’ll bet I could go back through the posts and come up with a hundred responses that were not much more than “I’m sorry to see you slipped, but it’s good that you’re back and trying again.” Words like that will help the first few times no doubt, but to some it will say “Well, I think I can slip as many times as I want, they’ll still welcome me back.” We often hear comments about not being enablers, but aren’t we in fact being enablers ourselves by the comments we make to the person who slipped?

“In the context of alcoholism, an enabling relationship is one that makes it easier for the person with the addiction to continue in their destructive lifestyle. In most cases, enablers are well-intentioned and believe that their actions are beneficial to the alcoholic. However, the opposite is usually the case.
Without enablers in their lives, alcoholics typically descend much faster into the chaos and pain that their destructive lifestyle engenders. The enabler wants to protect the alcoholic from the pain of this descent, so they spend much of their energy trying to offset the potential damage. The reverse side of this dilemma is that any alcoholic who is protected from the ramifications of their drinking problem will be less motivated to seek rehabilitation.
For the enabler, the thought of letting the person they care about hurt themselves is too much to endure. What they do not realize is that their acts of kindness and protection may actually contribute to deepening the alcoholic’s addiction. Only by stepping back from this toxic relationship can the enabler hope to recover their sense of self, and truly help the alcoholic they care about.”

Now that was written by someone with a higher pay grade than me, and it’s doesn’t give a true definition of enabling. But to me, when I tell someone 10 times that I’m sorry you slipped, but great to see you back trying again, I feel like I’ve become an enabler. What I should be saying is that you can’t keep doing the same things and expect a different result. If this forum isn’t helping you to quit and stay quit, then you need something else, or at least something in addition to…

Any just today as I read through the threads I see where many members feel that MWO is fading. I guess I can agree with that, not sure why, but a lack of new members is certainly one of the reasons. There are probably many other reasons as well, but I came back because MWO was a place that gave me the ideas and tools to make my quit stick. Now I want to give back. But as I said, if you are here just to hear, “Sorry that you slipped……..” you won’t get that from me. You’ll get “so you slipped again, what are you going to do different this time?” And I’ll expect some concrete alternatives. Because if you don’t do something different, you’ll slip again. And that’s not just my experience, it’s the experience of many, many others.

We need to stop enabling and start helping, enabling is not helping in my opinion. It didn’t help me and I expect it doesn’t help others. We need to rally around those that are struggling and offer other ideas that may help them get to the point where they are sick and tired of saying “I slipped again last night” ….., but more importantly, they are at the stage where they are really willing to do something about it….whatever it takes!

[Glass Half Empty]

[FONT=Verdana][COLOR="#000080"]I appreciate all the comments, I really do but I think my message wasn’t really clear.

Au contraire. Your message could not have been clearer.

Please don't assume that our dissent indicates a lack of understanding.

[abcowboy]

The truth about alcohol is unpleasant, for far from being the bearer of good times, as it is commonly portrayed in advertisements, it actually brings pain and remorse into your life. It promises that you’ll feel good while drinking it, yet at the same time it silently wreaks havoc on your body, mind, relationships and finances. And just when you may start to realize the great damage it is doing to you, it deceives you yet again into believing that it is somehow the best escape from the problems in your life. Problems that alcohol caused in the first place. It also numbs you to the fact that alcohol damages the body in a hundred different ways. It is a cancer that takes hold of every area of your life, growing unseen year after year, until one day you wake up and ask yourself “how did my life get so screwed up?”

Alcohol is also a thief, stealing money from you every chance it gets. Thousands upon thousands of your dollars have disappeared, simply flushed down the drain because of alcohol abuse. Money that could have bought a new car, a nice home, or simply saved for a rainy day. And it steals your time, as hour after hour is wasted drinking a poison – instead of being spent with family and loved ones, or spent on a hobby, or working, or doing something constructive. Furthermore, it steals your youth by making you appear years older than you really. It causes premature graying (or losing) of your hair, deep wrinkles and unsightly blemishes, and the complete loss of a healthy skin tone. All the while being even more destructive inside of your body, as it destroys one organ after another, which takes years off of your life.

Here’s the truth about alcohol: it isn’t an escape from your problems … it is the cause of your problems. And the sooner you learn how to stop drinking the sooner your problems will disappear, and your life will begin to dramatically improve in every way possible. Even if at first you can only take a baby step towards sobriety to change, you must take that first step. Face up to the truth: it is time to root out the cause of your problems and remove it from your life. You’ll be thankful you did.

[Change]

To answer your original question, no, i don't want to be sober, all the time. I am sober most of the time though.

Thing that i found with quitting is that when the initial rush of sobriety wore off two months in, i realised how mundane my life seemed, and also how much anxiety and mental illness i have, which the drinking was masking (the drama of the ups and downs, hangover = something to focus on, hope = 'when i stop drinking, my life will get better'). You talk about 'loved ones and family'. I don't have either, in abundance. I am very much on my own, and feel very isolated.

I most likely have PTSD (work related issues, and long term and family stuff) and today i had to admit to myself that i have a problem and can't blame alcohol or others for it. Unfortunately, i have to solve it on my own, with the help of a counsellor when i can be bothered putting it into action.

Any advice Cow? I'd be willing to hear it. Have been sober for 3.5 months, apart from a little conscious slip for a few days last week.

[Eloise]

Cowboy, great to see you!! So happy you stayed the course and are a better human for it.
I know exactly what you are saying about some of the angry/aggressive people that pop up, slug you, and then point out what a loser they think you are.
Been there too. Decided I am not going to let anyone drive me away because I have benefited so much from this site. Plus the majority are fine, in my humble opinion, and do have their hearts in the right place. I think things can easily be misinterpreted or people can just be in an ugly mood and need to lash out at strangers?

Again, glad you are well!

[autumn]

Oh Change I am so sorry to hear that you are struggling. I found a cousellor really helpful. I had tried a few in the past, but I was finally referred to one that dealt with the whole problem, my mental health, my life issues as well as my drinking. But you really have to work at it and it is tough. But the rewards of being sober are life changing. My mental health and outlook has never been more positive. Please give it a wholehearted try. If you dont get on with that specific counsellor, find another one that you can relate to.