Do You REALLY Want To Be Sober?

[Lost Soul]

I really like your thoughts on this ABC. I feel moderation may work for some but others not so. I can never regulate my drinking so i'm definately striving to be a long term abstainer. That being said, I've acknowledged I'm an alkie for 10+ years. At this stage it hard to remember what it's like not to have that acceptance. Moderation is a very useful tool on the journey to acceptance. And you can't push someone forward (with all the good intentions in the world!) Acceptance for me isn't moving forward. It is staying still long enough to come to terms with where you are. Sometimes the enormity of this is so big, its hard to hold & sit comfortably through alone. Your are so right, compassion is the best thing you can offer. For me, to really help another, is to sit with them & hold their hand for a bit till they gather the strength themselves to move forward x
In other news, are you feeling strong ABC? You sound it :happy2: if so & you fancy another perspective on porn addiction, your welcome to have a read https://www.mywayout.org/community/gu...rspective.html

[Lost Soul]

Nice post ABCowboy, My personnel take on recovery's was what ever worked for you & once you yourself was happy with it that's ok, I don't get any of this slagging or putting down of any body's else's way out, There is no one way out, There are numerous & what worked for me certainly might not work for someone else. Having said that my way out is the only one I can share about as that is mine.

I hope, criticism of other people's way out is usually someone at a stronger stage in recovery seeing another person choosing a way that will end in diasaster or they failed at themselves! I guess they're frustrated because they want to help & don't know how? I hope it's not nastiness but then who knows really?

[Sunbeam]

Yes, each of us needs to find our own way out. Stories of what worked for each of us is all we have to share, but the same formula would perhaps be unlikely to work for the next person. The toolbox I believe is the best resource on the site. Anyone can use it to put together their personal program.

[abcowboy]

Thanks for sharing that thread Lost Soul, some very good reading there! I can honestly say that the nudity, sex, violence, and profanity that is so common nowadays in the media, just like alcohol, holds no interest for me any longer. Quite the opposite in fact, I'm a bit put out by all of it. But society in general has become to accept more and more as acceptable, truly a sad state for the children growing up and exposed to it.

[Lost Soul]

Hi ABC, changes in certain society norms are very sad. More extreme porn like bukkake & gagging seem more widely available. There is more realistic violence & profanity, it seems - shown earlier & at a lower age rating. As adults we can 'choose' but the impact on young people, it's indeed very sad & worrying. I guess it helps me to remember these industries are not concerned with an individuals well being but generating income. And sadly produce what is 'wanted' by society to make most money. Although this seems worse in some ways, what does that say about people?
I feel (in the UK anyway) there is more awareness of looking after mental health - that didn't exist 50 years ago. In general I see this in the NHS & in schools. More specifically, there is also charity based organisations & resources & support services. This is where I see hope & people trying to make a positive difference & value the importance of people's well being. We can't remove the bad but can certainly see a sense of kindness in giving in people which gives me hope for the world my children grow up in. X

[abcowboy]

What a long and tiring day I’ve had, up early this morning to head to Veg to pick up the in-laws, then drive to the Church in Edmonton for a funeral of an 89-year-old lady, about a 3rd cousin, 2 times removed, but to them that’s immediate family. Mind you, she was a dear, sweet lady who I’d met on a few occasions of “family functions” and we got along great. However, I haven’t seen her in about 10 years and she suffered from advanced Alzheimer’s for the last couple years so she wouldn’t have known me even if I did see her. 2 hours of listening to Ukrainian during the funeral service of which I understood zero, but I know there were 64 people in attendance because I counted them. I know there are 124 hand painted icons in the front of the Church, and there 217 bulbs in the chandelier that hangs in the middle of the Church. Then at Communion time, I wondered if taking the bread dipped in wine would constitute a slip? Not that I did because I don’t practice my Church doctrines anymore. But would it be considered a slip, because the Roman Catholic religion teaches us that the bread and wine becomes (symbolizes?) the body and blood of our Lord. Talk about testing one’s faith eh? Then off we go to the cemetery for another 45 minutes of Ukrainian prayer at the interment.

Anyway, I got rambling away there, down to the crux of the issue. After 2 years of sobriety, you’d think I’ve learned most of what I need to know on how to handle difficult circumstances as they arise. And I’m not talking about situations that get me to thinking about how good a beer would taste, I don’t think that way anymore. But what I’ve learned about controlling my emotions and thought re-direction seems to evade me in this instance. So, after I counted most everything I could in the Church without being to conspicuous, I figured since I was in the House of the Lord I should maybe just talk to Him, see if He could make things clearer for me.

I figured out that it boils down to a statement my mother-in-law made many years ago, when I told her that my kids would never have kids of their own, that I’d never be a grandpa. She couldn’t understand that, she said the reason you have kids is so that you have someone to help you and look after you when you get old. That statement really floored me, not once did that thought occur to me through each of the birth and raising of my four kids. And as I sat in that Church today, oblivious to what was happening around me, I realized that my feelings were all about the feeling of being used. That I’m here just to help them and drive them anywhere they want to go. Don’t get me wrong, I love them dearly, and help out where ever I can, visit them very regularly, and drive them to Dr’s appointments, to see the specialist, etc. But I always felt that it was expected of me because of that one statement. I let that one statement turn into resentment, then frustration, almost to the point of anger. I never let it get to anger, I stopped it at the frustration stage. But how do I let it go? How do I be happy about being able to be there for them. And sitting in that Church this morning, the answer came to me, I should be happy about being there for them because I am able to be there for them! It’s as simple as that! Things could be a lot worse, it could be me who needed the looking after, not them. So I should be grateful that I’m able to do that for them and don’t feel like it’s expected of me, be happy that I’m able to help when they need it. I was being selfish, it wasn’t so much the statement she made as it was how I reacted to it. I was making myself unhappy, not her.

It amazes me still how a few moments of talking with Him, not even praying, just asking for guidance and things become clearer, that I begin to look at things in a different way. I guess that’s the reason we say “let go and let God”….

[Nelso]

Yes, yes I do Sitting at a bar last night with wifey, for some reason, I REALLY REALLY had an urge for just that proverbial.....one shot of devil juice....and I alllllllllmost had myself talked into it.

Reflecting this AM at my computer, Im glad I made the right choice.

[abcowboy]

Better spend some time updating my own journal lol. I mentioned to Lav on the Abs thread how I was reminded of her as I worked in a chicken coop of all places. And a few others mentioned how our thoughts are often on people we meet here. I could pass by Lav on the street, sit close to her in a restaurant somewhere, and I would have no idea that I knew this person, that this stranger was my friend. Some of us are FB friends, so we might recognize each other in real life, but distance would make that highly improbable. So how is it that we develop these close bonds with complete strangers? Two reasons I think, one; we share a common addiction, and two; we know how hard that addiction is to beat so we turn to others like ourselves for help and support.

And that made me think of another thing, I very much a people watcher. When I go shopping with Bubba, I usually sit in a chair in the walkway of the mall, keeping an eye on her as she moves about from one store to the next. But I also watch other people, try and imagine a bit about them as they walk together. What their lives might be all about, what was it that brought that smile to a face or the laughter that comes from another. But I never wonder if that person suffers from an addiction.

In the restaurant or lounge, that changes. I’m not much of a drink watcher or counter unless it’s obvious that someone has had too much to drink. But I wonder if other people notice I’m just drinking iced tea, wondering if maybe they look down at what they are drinking and think it’s okay to stop at this one. It gives me pleasure to watch people say “no thanks” to a refill, then order coffee or tea. I makes me wonder if my example has helped someone else.

So it doesn’t matter that we are 3d strangers, online or in the real world. We are friends because of the bond we share because of our addiction. We are friends because we are all here helping and supporting. And we are friends because that’s the way it’s supposed to be, friends helping friends, and helping strangers as well…

[abcowboy]

Interesting day I had today, at a job that I’ve done so many times I could do it with my eyes closed. Didn’t really need my mind set on it either so as I worked I thought about my post on the “background” thread.

I realize I could probably write a book on all the crazy things I did while drinking, and there were some doozies! And that’s just the stuff I remember! 46 years of crazy stunts, that alone is crazy! How does a person let 46 years of his life slip away in a drunken haze?? Easy, get caught up in alcohol and let it take control, that’s how!

I really admire the young people who are on the road to recovery, realizing early that they can’t have just one, and so much harder to look at a lifetime of no drinking. But it’s the smartest thing they’ve ever done! So if you’re a young person (or even older) and wondering if you might have a problem, why not go alcohol free for just a month? See how you feel after that? If you can’t get through the month without having a drink, I’m going to bet your drinking will just get worse. So now would be the best time to nip it in the bud, lest you waste 46 years like I did….

[madonmehndi]

But I digress. Relating specifically to this thread, I keep having this nagging thought in my head that thinks at some point I'll be able to moderate...example, if things don't work out with the woman I hurt, how could I date without drinking? It's not that I need the alcohol socially, but I'm so afraid of being labeled and dismissed (as I have done to teetotalers in my past). It's just become such a part of my persona... I'm pretty sure from past experience that moderation would fail, so I know rationally that it has to be 100% and for good, but I just can't wrap my head around who that person is. Any thoughts on how to get fully committed to sobriety, without the nagging lizard brain whispering that things without alcohol somehow won't be as fun....that I won't be as much fun.... that I won't be "me"?!

Hi Piedmont, hope you are ok? I have the same feelings, in the past I have always thought people who don't drink are boring losers (??!) and I like my drunken personality better than my sober one (until I reach a certain level - which I inevitably almost always do) as I am more sociable and confident and the AL makes me feel more attractive (personal selfie beer goggles!!) and if my marriage ends - as I suspect it is going to - how will I ever begin to find anyone to share my life with when I am this boring, teetotal mousy character that I loathe?

I am beginning to learn the answer actually and I have begun to try and improve myself already as I have realised through gaining sobriety and through AA and my Buddhist Meditation classes that change is the only way forward, I have lived all my life being a virtual shell of a person, focusing all my attention on material gain and doing everything wrong - thinking that a nice house, tidy home, nice car, expensive holidays and being perceived a certain way by others would make me happy and it hasn't!

I am painting a bleak picture of myself here I know, I do have some good traits, i am a caring, nurturing person who likes to help others and I am creative in many different ways, I need to work on the positive aspects of my personality and improve my mind and reject the negativity that tries to blank out all the good in the world and hopefully one day I will have peace of mind and something great to offer someone else in a relationship

Wow that turned into a bit of an essay sorry LOL, just realised all this whilst typing!! I think the most important thing for us to remember is that our sobriety is THE most important thing and that with that in place we can reach for the stars

[madonmehndi]

I realize I could probably write a book on all the crazy things I did while drinking, and there were some doozies! And that’s just the stuff I remember! 46 years of crazy stunts, that alone is crazy! How does a person let 46 years of his life slip away in a drunken haze?? Easy, get caught up in alcohol and let it take control, that’s how!

I really admire the young people who are on the road to recovery, realizing early that they can’t have just one, and so much harder to look at a lifetime of no drinking. But it’s the smartest thing they’ve ever done! So if you’re a young person (or even older) and wondering if you might have a problem, why not go alcohol free for just a month? See how you feel after that? If you can’t get through the month without having a drink, I’m going to bet your drinking will just get worse. So now would be the best time to nip it in the bud, lest you waste 46 years like I did….

47 years for me and I feel like I have just wasted so much time too, great advice for newcomers Cowboy

[Lost Soul]

I really enjoy reading your updates & posts in your journal ABC

I think sharing our background or 'crazy' can help relate to one another's addiction/alcoholism & how it can affect behaviour/thought similarly, without actually being the 'alkie in the street'. And might indeed help us find acceptance sooner x

Though I do not feel that the path is always linear or that the path behind us is necessarily wasted. I think we are always learning, the day we stop is the day we die.
Who I was yesterday contributes to who I am today

[abcowboy]

It’s been a while since I’ve had any ambition to post in my journal, or any thread for that matter, but figured I’d better get my thoughts jotted down….

Been a rather tough past 10 days or so, my tablet crashed and burned, thankfully I back up regularly but still lost a bit that I’m trying to get put back in. Tax season is never fun, but it wasn’t as bad this year as last year, and the financial year-end statement shows why. The downturn in the oil industry affects us all up here in Alberta, directly or indirectly. And a week ago Bubba resigned from her job, the Director and her weren’t getting along all that well from day 1 and Bubba just got tired of being ignored. There’s not many jobs out there right now, so she may be a Fresh Air Inspector for longer than she thinks….

Nevertheless, we have a roof over our heads, dependable vehicles, the bills get paid, there’s food in the fridge, and we are healthy. What more could I ask for!

The important thing is that I didn’t use it as an excuse to drink, I didn’t even think about drinking. I just keep reminding myself that God won’t give me anything He doesn’t think I can handle, so I’ll put my faith in Him, He got me this far so I don’t think He’ll give up on me yet….

[mario]

Its good to see you are still getting on ABCowboy & also great you can look at life in the wealth in our health & happiness we have around us, all the money in the world cant buy that.

[Snoopy56]

Abcowboy, sorry to hear you are struggling. You will better manage all your challenges AF, make good choices, appreciate what you have. I have had some recent struggles too and cannot imagine how I would have handled my life if I was drunk most of the time. I would have been a hot mess, instead I pray, fight every day (in a healthy way) ask for help and move on. Wishing you the best.