Do You REALLY Want To Be Sober?

[abcowboy]

I haven’t had a whole lot to say this past week, still getting used to having Bubba at home when I get here, usually it’s the other way around lol. But she’s going to take some time off before venturing back into the job market, and that’s okay by me!

Something that happened earlier in the week had me laughing but then got me to thinking about myself. I was breaking up the concrete floor in a house to move the bathroom fixtures around in a reno job I’m doing. The young fella, Dylan, was helping me with the concrete work to save some money on labour costs. As we were working, we heard this bang, crash, and an “oh shit” upstairs from his live-in gf. Dylan ran upstairs to see what happened! When he came back down he was shaking his head. I asked what was wrong and he asked if I had 2 toilets in stock. I guess in the main bath upstairs there is a shelf over the toilet and the gf knocked over a heavy ceramic flower, it caught the very edge of the toilet bowl and broke the front of the toilet off! He said the funny thing is, she said it was his fault because he left the toilet seat up!! She figured that if he would have put it down like he’s supposed to, the plastic toilet seat would have protected the toilet bowl! Needless to say, I went back the next day and installed a new main bath toilet lol.

But the episode got me to thinking about how we always found someone or something else to blame our drinking on, it was never our fault that we drank so much! And when we ran out of excuses or reasons, we made some up just so we could drink! I think that is a big part in finding lasting sobriety, accepting all the blame for our drinking. No one or nothing forced the alcohol down our throats, we drank it willingly and then tried to convince ourselves that there was a very good reason for getting drunk. Once we accept that no reason is good enough, we begin to find it easier and easier to say “no thanks, I don’t drink!

The moral to this story is, there shouldn’t be a shelf allowed above toilets, it’s easy money for us plumbers!

[Lost Soul]

Re: Do You REALLY Want To Be Sober?

Hi ABC that story is just too funny and I agree, I think only when we own our problem can we really make the changes we need to. When we are in denial of how AL affects us - we're powerless to change x

[abcowboy]

I’ve been doing a lot less posting and a lot more thinking since last Sunday. Bubba came home from Church and told me that Darrell was in Church that day. If you remember, Darrell is my friend from my AA days who was, and is, still struggling and his struggle has got even worse. His drinking has escalated, he lost the privilege of an ignition interlock device, spent some time in jail, and now his wife has kicked him out.

We used to talk and text quite a bit, then he started doing less and less of it. It got to the point that he didn’t want to go for coffee, or even talk anymore. I wondered if it was something I was saying or doing wrong for him in my efforts to help him. Then I wondered if I should stop reaching out to him, wait for him to reach out to me. How do we know what is the right thing to do? Bubba asked him if he wanted to talk to me again and he wasn’t sure of anything, he wondered why I could quit and he couldn’t. He left it at that… and left me sad and wondering….

As I thought about him this week, I thought of everyone who struggles, get some sober time in only to return to drinking, just like I did. And I think of the thoughts they have; people will think I’m a lost cause, or people will get tired of me saying that I’m going to get it right this time, and I think that I’m a failure and people will just finally give up on me. I realized that when I hear these things, the emotion that comes over me isn’t anger, it’s sadness, a genuine sadness that they are struggling so hard and it’s just not coming to them, they aren’t finding what it is they need to give up drinking forever.

I try not to bring up my belief in God very often as I know how a lot of people feel about religion, but I can tell you, He was my salvation, from a lot of my very bad habits. And the funny thing is, I don’t really pray to Him, I just talk to Him, like a coffee buddy. I don’t know if He’s always got time for me, but He seems to have a way of giving me the strength and courage to get through those tough times. So I’ve called upon Him one more time, to help me find the words and actions that may be the right things to help those who are still struggling. I’m going to use this Lenten season to open myself up even more to Him, hoping that He can answer some of my questions if not all of my prayers…..

[abcowboy]

Wow, Friday already, where did the week go?? I had a better week this week, Bubba talked to one of the ladies she used to see in Al-Anon and asked about my friend. I guess Darrell was at the Tuesday night AA meeting, first time in a long time, so I guess maybe my prayers did get answered.

I was at a retired widower’s this morning to fix his water heater, it didn’t take too long to get running again so I stayed to have coffee with him. It was 9 in the morning and he offered me some Bailey’s for my coffee and I politely declined, telling him I like my coffee black. He had a generous shot in his and we spent the next ½ hour just chatting about the weather, the upcoming agricultural season, and just general chitchat.

As I drove away I wondered if that was his first drink of the day, or his first and last. It didn’t take me long to remember that first drink of Bailey’s and coffee was just a primer for me! It was the start of a whole day of drinking! Sure glad those days are behind me, and that I can look back on them with a bit of a chuckle knowing what an idiot I really was for letting life get away from me.

[Snoopy56]

Re: Do You REALLY Want To Be Sober?

Ab, as far as I know, it is not normal to have a shot in the morning, so the poor guy may have been just starting. Glad to hear you had a better week, appreciate all your posts, you help many often.

[abcowboy]

Pull up a chair, grab a coffee, sit back and relax while I tell you a story. This story is about a man who was still struggling a bit with his newfound sobriety, just under a year sober, and took offense to some posts directed at him and stormed away from MWO. Why? Because he let his emotions get the better of him! All the posts directed at him were meant to help him, support him, but he chose resentment over gratitude! Who was that man? Me!!

One of the first things my counsellor told me when I started this quit was that I had to learn to control my emotions, and if I couldn’t control them, then learn to deal with them in a positive manner. It was the best advice I got to helping me get and stay sober.

So what happened a year and a half ago? I let my emotions control me, left MWO in anger, and lost 5 months of help and support, and helping and supporting. Now that was just plain stupid, and selfish! It’s very easy to let our emotions take over when we read or hear something that goes against what we believe. And sometimes the hardest thing to do is to bite your tongue and let it go. I came back to MWO, humbled, a bit afraid, afraid that the bridges I burned when I left wouldn’t be able to be rebuilt. Well, most all of them have, but it took some work by all of us. That’s what support is all about, letting things go, accepting that everyone may have a different opinion as me, but respecting that they are entitled to that opinion.

This morning as I was reading on MWO, I picked out a few sentences that the old me would have taken offence to and I would have jumped in with a post that backed my opinion. Probably would have caused more than a bit of drama because when we see those kind of posts, we think we have to choose sides, and when we do that, feelings get hurt, bridges get burned. So let me show you those sentences, and my reaction to them.

Several people made a statement that they were out of here and they stormed off. Dont ask me why, but I wrote their names down on a sticky. Every single one of them relapsed. Every one.

One reaction could be; Well, I stormed off, I didn’t relapse! I found another support group to continue my journey with! What makes you think that everyone who leaves MWO will relapse?? MWO isn't the only online support group!!
My real reaction; I agree, if you leave your support system and don’t replace it with another one, the chances are good that relapse is in your future.

You chose to express yourself unclearly, publicly on an alcohol abuse forum which provides support to alcoholics in an area designated to people in early sobriety.

One reaction could be; If the Newbie’s Nest is for Newbie’s only, then so should the Roll Call be! And just who gets to put the definition on Newbie? When does a Newbie no longer be a Newbie?? And just who designated this thread to be for people in early sobriety only??
My real reaction; We are all here to help and support each other, I wake up a Newbie every morning, and if I stay sober for the day, I go to bed with one more day sober.

I'm 100% sure you mean well but don't really feel okay chatting about this via pm. I have nothing to hide & would rather speak about any grievances on the public forum

One reaction could be; Okay, I didn’t want to add anymore drama to the thread, but you chose to post publicly what I had preferred to keep private, without asking me first!
My real reaction; Okay Bruce, you’ve got to be very careful about who and what you pm. Obviously “private message” isn’t what it meant to you.

I have to admit though, there is sneaking pride in being able to accomplish something others haven't - so I allow myself that secret luxury.

One reaction could be; That same reaction that some had.
My real reaction; Darn it, she got more merit badges than I did! Lol But because I take the time to move through all the threads to get a “feel” for people by the things they say and how they post, I knew my first reaction was wrong because I know that wasn’t her intent.

This is not chicken scratch in terms of time, you are amount an elite group of flying hens.

One reaction could be; What, MWO is for women only?? The guys that can get and stay sober can’t belong to this Elite Group?? And why is there an Elite Group anyway!!
My real reaction; It was a figure of speech, the person who said this recognizes everyone for their milestones and achievements. No one is “elite” in her eyes. At least I hope not lol.

And my story is coming to an end. I just showed how I could have taken offence to a few things that I read this morning, and I bet I could have picked a lot more examples. The point to my story is that sometimes things aren’t what we make them out to be, and maybe a pm could get it straightened out before it blows up into an out and out battle. Just like our way to get sober is individual to us, so is the way we offer help and support. Don’t let your emotions get the best you, and don’t let them get in the way of your recovery!

[lifechange]

Re: Do You REALLY Want To Be Sober?

Super thread, AB!
Looking forward to reading it through..and thank you for your continuous support..

[abcowboy]

Thank you for your kind words lifechange, I know that there are lots of members that don’t like my approach of offering help and support. But it is who I am, you don’t fight a forest fire with a 5 gallon pail of water!

My approach is try and get people to understand that drinking will do nothing for them except bring more pain into their lives, and I’ll convey that message however I have to. Sometimes it’s with kid gloves, sometimes it’s with boxing gloves. But it’s always meant in terms of support, never chastising or belittling. My stronger posts I keep to my own thread and very seldom direct them at anyone in particular, but usually I get inspired to do a post based on what someone said. And I relate that to my own personal experience.

So yes, often I will come across strongly because I worry about, and am concerned, for the people who struggle continually. This addiction does and will kill, I know because it almost happened to me, and if it can happen to me, it can happen to anyone! I don’t want anyone getting to the rock bottom that I was in….

[abcowboy]

This was my morning quote the other day in the 24 Club;
"Maybe the journey is not so much about becoming anything. Maybe it is about un-becoming everything that is not really you, so you can be who you were meant to be in the first place."

And this is how dill responded;

ABC, I really liked that quote. Peeling back the layers, eh?

I’ve been thinking about both those quotes the past day or so. It’s really easy to come up with many things we are happy that we left behind when we quit drinking. And when you think of all the benefits you now have because you don’t drink, I’ll bet there’s not a lot of new things. I’ll bet most of those things you are happy about now are things you had before you started drinking. So it’s not about building a new you, it’s about restoring the old you. Or peeling back all those layers that alcohol wrapped us in and finding the person that was there to begin with.

I think I’ve become a better person than I was, I’ve learned to deal with my emotions, learned to listen more, became more compassionate and understanding, but most of all I’ve learned to become more patient. The “one day at a time” can be applied to so many areas of our lives if we just have a little patience. Thanks dill for reminding me that I don’t need to try and create a whole new person any more than I need to reinvent the wheel…

[mario]

Re: Do You REALLY Want To Be Sober?

Great Thread ABcowboy, Some real good thinking points in here for all of us still learning.


I have this (as well as many others) sent to my phone everyday.

Nothing pays of like restraint of tongue & pen, We must avoid quick tempered critism, furious power-driven argument, sulking & silent scorn.
They are emotional booby-traps baited with pride & vengefulness, When we are tempted by the bait, We should train ourselves to step back & wait, We can neither think nor act to good purpose until the habit of self-restraint has become automatic.

Respond don't react.

[abcowboy]

It’s time for one of my “no rhyme or reason” posts, unclutter my thoughts to get me out of the “sick of winter” mood I’ve been in…

Time change tonight, I hate time change! Can someone tell me how we save any daylight by switching to DST?? There are only so many hours of daylight in a day, we can’t save any of it, just shift it around! If our existing provincial government stays true to their word, we’ll get a chance to vote on getting rid of time change in Alberta, one can only hope! Whatever, tonight we move our clocks one hour ahead….

My quote this morning in the Club about power, and it has to do with the AA stance on being powerless over alcohol, something that turns many people away from AA as well as the religious side of it. I have a bit of a conundrum about the word powerless when used with alcoholism. I must have some power over it, because I don’t drink anymore. But I know that if I have just one drink, I’d lose that power. Does that make me powerless? I guess at the time it would, but I could also regain that power if I choose to… Ah well, best left up to each individual and their own take on it…

Politics… politics and recovery don’t belong together. There should be a thread just for politics, keep all the political talk off the recovery threads. Just my opinion on it anyway. We can already see people who have left threads because of it. Ya, Trump was quick to take credit on the new jobs created, but even if it was something planned earlier, big business or even small business don’t create new jobs unless they think the economy is improving or is about to improve.

So much more I could dwell on, types of support, likes/thanks buttons, slips/relapses, to stay or to go, and on and on, but I’ve got a good start on uncluttering, so we’ll leave the rest for another day….

And no, my mind hasn’t changed about time change!! lol Remember everyone, no quitting on your quit eh!

[dill]

Re: Do You REALLY Want To Be Sober?

I certainly concur with you on DST and on politics and recovery not being a good mix. At least it is not for myself. I posted a brief gratitude statement on the gratitude thread that I am grateful for threads that don't include politics. I hope you don't mind if I write more here on the topic. Here is what I said but deleted before posting:

Grateful for threads that don't include regular discussion of politics. I am fairly certain that a fair discussion of current topics in the U.S. cannot be accomplished on a forum created for alcohol cessation. I see many misunderstandings take place on the threads, both of a political and a nonpolitical nature, that are caused by the simple fact that written communication can be misinterpreted and so much depends on the background and experiences of the readers. I don't personally have the energy or desire to defend my particular point of view every day and I don't have the desire to read the opposing point of view as if it is gospel.

I am here for sobriety, not grousing daily about politics.

But I will grouse about DST! It was just beginning to be light in the morning when we were getting out of bed to get the grandkids ready for school. Now we are plunged backward into the darkness once again!

[paulywogg]

Re: Do You REALLY Want To Be Sober?

There's plenty of threads that have absolutely no political talk,if there's a thread that offends you..simply avoid it

[abcowboy]

You’re right [MENTION=17650]paulywogg[/MENTION] , there are many non-political threads, but there definitely not many real active threads, and not very many active members. It’s just a shame that people get to feel unwelcome if they have a different political view. It is what it is though, so we just have to post on threads where we feel our opinions are welcomed.

I see Zach or whoever the powers that be have been busy and have upgraded MWO to include “mentions”. Most of the other forums offer this feature and it’s a great way to let people know you’ve talked about them in a post. I know I’ll be using it lots and I already have lol.

It’s the time of year around here where construction slows to a crawl, everyone gearing up for spring/summer work and hopefully the economy will improve enough that people will go ahead with projects that they’ve put on hold. My days aren’t very busy, usually home between 2:30 and 3:30 in the afternoon. I remember when I looked forward to days like these, could get into some serious drinking much earlier in the day! Now I look forward to them for a different reason, I get to spend more daylight hours with Bubba and Hank!

Still having trouble adjusting to this time change. Don’t have a problem in the evening, but still feeling a bit tired first thing in the morning. But it’s a way better feeling than being hangover!

[Sunbeam]

Re: Do You REALLY Want To Be Sober?

Thanks for mentioning the time change, Cowboy. I've been feeling off this week, something like a mild hangover. That's it, I'm sure.