Do You REALLY Want To Be Sober?

[abcowboy]

Yes, I know who he is. And even if I don't agree with all of his beliefs, he is entitled to his opinion. I personally don't think you need medications to get and stay sober, but if that's what it took, then I would definitely try it rather than stay drinking. We have to do what we have to do.

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[abcowboy]

We finally finished seeding today! Just under 7000 acres safely in the ground and the early crops are coming along just great. We rolled both rigs back to the yard at 3:30 and headed for the shop for the post-season celebration and this time I joined them! 5 of us in total, 4 beer and one Coke lol, that was round one, but I didn’t stick around for round 2. But as we were joking and laughing, one of the other hired hands asked me if I found it tough to sit around and watch other people drink. I was honest with him, sometimes it is and that’s why I didn’t go down to Tommy’s the other day, but for the most part it doesn’t bother me to see other people drinking or be around them when they do. He asked if I’d ever try drinking again and my answer was no, why would I? I think that answer stumped him for words and nothing more was said.

As I drove home, I thought about my firm belief that I will never drink again and tried to come up with a reason/excuse as to why I would. The only thing I could come up with was losing Bubba. Let’s say someone who resented me for my ability to quit drinking put a gun to Bubba’s head and set a case of beer in front of me and told me to drink it or he’d shoot her. Would I drink it? My first thought was, of course I would! I could reset my counter and start over the next day. But as I thought about it further, I realized I wouldn’t. Even if I did drink it, he’d probably shoot her, then shoot me. I’d sooner die with her sober than die with her drunk. I think I’ve been reading too many crime novels lol.

But the point is, that’s where I’m at in my sobriety, I’ll protect it no matter what! And for the life of me, I can’t find one single reason/excuse why I’d ever drink again. So stop and ask yourself, do I really want to be sober, and if you do, there’s no reason/excuse to pick up another drink!

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[autumn]

Hi Guys,
How you all doing? Abc, whatever you’re doing, keep at it, it’s clearly working and it sounds like you’re in a great place with it. You’re right, you do have to work at it. You have to make grown up decisions and take responsibility, they all have actions & consequences. Stay sober or drink. I felt relieved to make 1 year, and just really ‘safe’ to have hit 2.
SoI, thank you, yes life is just great sober.

I didn’t have a great time in AA, but I guess they got the basics right. Accept that you can’t drink, nope not ever. Yep, that took a while to get over & deal with. I am powerless over it, yep, it ruled my life & it was all I thought about. Stinking thinking, be aware that you have 2 choices, and drop the bad thought process, it will pass. And as they say in the AA, don’t pick up that first drink and you can’t get drunk.
Tho the reason why I couldn’t get on with the AA was because of their negative attitude. As in you’re always ‘in recovery’. It was having to listen to the same faces talking about the dark old days, and all things tough and negative. Nobody ever really shouted about just how amazing life is sober, and how having a positive frame of really mind helps.

Change, how you doing? Unfortunately we alkies can’t keep doing the same things and expect a happy outcome. There isn’t one. If you are through the first few days or weeks of your quit, keep building on it and vow that this is the one that will stick. Because if you allow Al back in, you will never break the vicious cycle. Always look ahead to how good tomorrow will feel when you wake up sober with another day notched up & not back to day 1.

No matter how stressful the moment, you will always have only 2 choices. It’s just my humble thoughts.

[Change]

"Change, how you doing?"

Lol, i don't know how to do a small quote.

I'm doing average autumn. I feel like running... The only thing that is keeping me in the city i live in is a creative project i am involved in, which meets once per week. Apart from that, i am really isolated and don't feel a connection with anyone much at all. My outer family are great, but my mum's ambivilance toward me has finally worn me down.

Anyway, have been doing research into un-victiming myself (empowering myself!), and whilst i understand it cognitively, putting it into practice has been a daily grind! But, not one that i'm not enjoying!

I have been focusing on being really positive and bright with all people in my day to day life: colleagues, strangers and other, and it is really nice when they smile, and you get a positive response back.

How was AA? So, you didn't enjoy it??

[abcowboy]

I spend a half hour to an hour every morning reading journals on the Cue, posts made on recovery forums, and reading info on recovery websites. I get up early so that I can do this. I want to start my day in the right frame of mind, I’m not going to drink today.

I'm sure I'm not the only one here who visits other recovery sites like Hip Sobriety or Hello Sunday Morning, and I signed up for weekly newsletters from a couple of them. I got this in my email a while back and wanted to share it....

10 Things Sober People Want Normal Drinkers To Know

By Beth Leipholtz

One of the first things I stumbled across in sobriety was that I would need to learn how to say “no” to a drink—something I had never turned down before. The problem was that saying “no” seemed like such a loaded statement. In declining a drink, I felt like I had to tell the person my life story as to justify why I no longer drink. I didn’t want to be judged or given sympathy. I didn’t want them to look down upon me or think I was a charity case. I just wanted them to say “Oh, OK, cool,” and move on.

At 2.5 years sober, I no longer come across this awkward exchange as often (most people I spend time with know I don’t drink). Still though, on occasion I meet someone new and have to tell them I don’t drink—but now when that happens I don’t spend as much time dwelling on it. I can’t tell everyone my life story, and I shouldn’t have to. However, there are still certain things that I think sober people wish normies knew right off the bat. Here are a few.

1. We don’t want you to feel bad for us. I hate when I tell someone I don’t drink and they say, “Oh, I’m sorry.” It’s just like, “Oh, you are? But why?” It’s awkward all around. I don’t want sympathy for the choices that I’ve made to better my life. I’ve made those choices for a reason and you telling me you are sorry about that feels like a discredit to my sobriety. Just say, “Oh, good for you,” and move along.

2. We don’t want you to pressure us to drink. “Come on, just have one,” is one of my least favorite lines in the world. Do you not realize that having one defeats the whole purpose of being sober? Not to mention that if I could just have one, I wouldn’t be in this position to begin with? It’s just common sense and common courtesy to respect someone else’s choice.

3. We don’t know if we’ll ever drink again, so don’t ask us. One of the most common questions I get is: “So do you think you’ll ever drink again?” I mostly hate this question because I never know how to answer it. Clearly, I wouldn’t be sober for 2.5 years just for shits and giggles, but I also don’t know if I’ll ever pick up a drink again. Asking us this is like asking us to predict the future. It’s impossible. All we can do is say we’re not drinking today, and hope that continues.

4. There’s more to recovery than sitting at a meeting with other alcoholics and feeling sad. Really though, this is how the media so often portrays sobriety. The truth is that this is such a minimal part of it. I rely on things other than a 12-step program to keep me sober, as do many people I know. While I do sometimes go to 12-step meetings, they are often filled with happy, grateful people who know how to laugh. Being sober isn’t depressing. It’s enlightening.

5. We hate when you ask, “Are you sure you are an alcoholic?” The last thing we need or want is someone who makes us doubt our life choices. Just because I am A) young and B) in college does not mean that I cannot be an alcoholic. Alcoholism and alcoholic tendencies do not discriminate. There is not a certain age one must be before becoming an alcoholic, nor is there a list of things they must lose in their lives before qualifying. If someone says they are an alcoholic, then trust them.

6. If we are around people who are drinking, then clearly we are OK with it. In fact, seeing people be a sloppy, drunken mess just solidifies my choice not to drink. So please stop asking if we are OK being at this house party or this bar. Your drunken concern is well-meaning, but we know where we are at in sobriety and what we can handle. You just worry about enjoying yourself.

7. Please don’t assume we are the designated driver. Sometimes this is totally fine – if you ask us in advance and we OK it. But simply assuming that because a sober friend is around, they are carting your drunk asses around…that’s not cool. Of course I will be there in a heartbeat if any of my friends need a safe ride somewhere, but I typically don’t stay out until 2 a.m. anymore, so I’m not your ride home from the bar. It’s hard to stay awake that late while sober!

8. We aren’t judging you. Seriously. Stop drunkenly worrying about that. I do not think you are a “total mess” or “an alcoholic.” I think you’re someone who can drink like a normal person, and I usually enjoy watching that unfold because it’s entertaining. So just worry about you and have a good time.

9. Just because we have a DRINK in a BAR does not mean we relapsed. I’m a huge fan of Shirley Temples, which can resemble vodka cranberries. When I walk around the bar in my college town drinking them, I tend to get a lot of concerned looks. While I appreciate people looking out for me, I wish they understood that not every pretty looking drink is alcoholic. Sometimes we just want to blend in, and having a drink in hand is a way of doing that.

10. We are most likely perfectly content with our decision to be sober. Seriously. You don’t have to question it or sympathize or even discuss it. It’s a part of our lives and we are used to it. It’s as normal for us as drinking is for you.


Quitting and staying quit isn’t easy, it’s learning a whole new way of thinking. It’s accepting a new way of life, and not just accepting it, embracing it! And that’s what I’m doing, and I’m trying to help others do the same. Even if Beth has 2.5 years in and you only have a day or a week, what she talks about is what it’s all about, you shouldn’t worry about what other people think, your sobriety is all that matters!

[abcowboy]

Change, I used to have the same feelings as you in my early sobriety. Trying to stay positive with the changes I was making in my life, trying to be grateful for what I had and not get too far ahead of myself. Bubba and I talked about these feelings and one day she emailed this to me, something she had read in her Al-Anon literature.

” I once read a book that was based entirely on the word nevertheless. It taught the reader to take every problem in his or her life, look at it honestly, and then say, “nevertheless,” and find some offsetting positive thing in the individual’s life that brought the problem into perspective. It might sound something like this: “I have a lot of hard work to get accomplished in the next two weeks; nevertheless, after that my schedule is much more open, and I will be able to have some fun and get some extra rest.” All mothers get weary from time to time and might say, “My kids are driving me crazy; nevertheless, I’m so blessed to have these children in my life, and I know there are families who can’t have children at all.” A father who has to work two jobs to make ends meet might say, “I am so tired of working all the time; nevertheless, I am thankful that I have these jobs.” No matter who we are or what our challenge in life is, there is always a “nevertheless”—some positive thing we can look at or talk about that brings the rest of life into perspective.”

Why don’t you try it? The next time you are tempted to complain about your life in any way, go ahead and state your complaint, and then say, “nevertheless,” and find something positive about your life to offset the complaint. Think about your current situation and find your “nevertheless.” Say it out loud to encourage yourself by finding the positive in every situation. I’ll bet I say that word 10 times a day now and it helps me stay positive and be grateful for what I have.

[Change]

Yes, abcowboy, i shall try. Kind of like a compliment sandwich?! I saw a hilarious post on Facebook about that yesterday. They are under-used imo!

I think that owning it, eg, taking responsibility is vital. Eg, today i thought about how 'shit' my life is, but then i realised i've never really been happy, been a shitty human being, and have blamed everyone else for my shitiness. I have also let people change me, on the inside.

I realised today that i need to turn it around, and believe it or not, i actually asked God to help...

Hmm.

[abcowboy]

It’s hard to measure what faith can do for you and it’s even harder to prove. But on the same hand, even though I can’t prove what God has done for me, no one can disprove it either. And there lies the battle both inward and outward about faith and God. As human beings, we tend to always want tangible proof as to why things happen, what makes things work, but why can’t we accept them for just what they are? Some things just can’t be explained. And I’ll give you an example. When I worked full time at our local College, a young male student was found dead early one morning in the common TV room. It was a shock and surprise to his family, friends, fellow students, and all the staff. Of course we cordoned the area off, put sheets up on all the windows, and kept the scene as close to “clean” as we could till the RCMP arrived and took over. A few months later, everyone learned that the autopsy could find no cause of death! Nothing was out of order with the young man. There appeared to be no reason as to why he died. Now imagine yourself as one of the parents, how do you move forward from that? We all want and need answers to our questions, but what if there are none? That is where faith comes in. I believe that God had other plans for this young man, and that is good enough for me to get me through.

And on prayer and the power of prayer. Again, it’s hard to prove and equally as hard to disprove the power of prayer. I’ve had people, in 3d and online who tell me that they pray and pray but God doesn’t listen. I’m not sure there’s a right or wrong way to pray, but I think if I keep asking God to do things for me, leave it up to Him to make everything in my life easy, my prayers will probably go unanswered. I don’t think God does the work for you, I think we need to ask Him for the tools to help make the work easier for ourselves. I know years ago I prayed to God to take away my compulsion to drink, if He had anything to do with me being an alcoholic, then He also had the power to “cure” me. I don’t think it works that way.

Then one fateful night, He did answer my prayer. No, He didn’t “cure” me. No, He didn’t remove my compulsion to drink. But I think He did answer my prayers because I prayed differently. I didn’t ask Him to do the work, I asked Him for the strength and courage to be able to do the work myself. I was sure that all I needed was a bit of guidance from Him to use the tools I had to get sober. It worked, and I know I can’t prove it, but no one will convince me otherwise.

As I’ve said before, and I’ll keep saying it, if you continue to struggle, if you think you are hopeless and ready to give up, why not give prayer a chance. But you have to believe that there is a chance in prayer. Remember, God won’t do the work for you, but He’ll give you what you need to do it yourself! I know, because it happened to me!

I know there are lots of people who are still struggling and I don’t always have something to say, so I put the words in a poem as I took some time to pray…

Lord I’m just an old cowboy
And I’ve broke most of Your rules
Back in the days when I was drinkin’
So I hope You can forgive this fool.

Somehow I lost my faith in You
Somewhere along the way
But You came knocking on my door
And showed me day by day.

So I reckon I can’t ask much more
You’ve given me back my life
My dawg, my friends, my family
And my darlin’ wife.

And Lord I have to thank You
For all the new friends that I’ve met
On my journey to sobriety
And there’s more to meet I bet.

But if You’re up there listening
I have just one more thing to ask
Could You find it in Your heart
To help them with their task?

The task they face is tough You know
You saw how hard I tried
To give up the booze, my sinful ways
Till out to You I cried.

And I know they aren't all God fearin’ folk
And that’s just fine by me
But if You help them out a bit
A Savior You will be.

And some of them won’t admit
It was You who played a hand
If You help them find the strength they need
To make the final stand

But me and You can share a smile
As they leave the booze behind
Cause we’ll know where they got the strength
To get them through this bind.

So I hold my hat and bow my head
This prayer is not for me
It’s for all of those still struggling
That sober they will be!

[abcowboy]

“It’s too hard” “I’ll never be able to quit” “I’m not that bad” “No one will associate with me”, “how will I ever have fun again”. Sound familiar? Have a few of your own to add? I bet you do! But all those are just excuses, and to keep reminding yourself by thinking those thoughts leave the door open just a crack, and that’s all it takes. And as I have said before, if you are always fighting with yourself as to why quitting is so hard, you’re doing something wrong because it shouldn’t be a constant fight. Sure there will be cravings and triggers, but those get less and less as your AF time starts adding up. What’s important is stopping the daily battle. And how do you do that you ask? By changing your thinking patterns.

Everything we do, every emotion we feel, how we plan our day, whether we drink or not, all starts with a single thought. And then another thought, and then another one, till we are so full of thoughts that we stress ourselves out, and then reach for our old medication, alcohol.

You have to stop at each single thought, deal with it, weigh out the consequences of acting on that thought, then make a decision based on rationale, not emotion. Then move on to the next thought. It’s very easily done; all it takes is practice. Here’s a few examples of how it worked for me…

Wow, what a gorgeous day, sun is shining and boy is it hot. A nice cold beer would be great right now… stop that thought, don’t let it continue… A cold bottled water would sure be nice, and I can stop at one or have as many as I want without ruining this day!

Invited over to the neighbours for supper, A glass of wine with the meal would be a great way to be sociable. Stop that thought in it’s tracks. I think I’ll just have a glass of water please, I want to enjoy the taste of your great home cooking! After dinner drink, no thanks, I really enjoy coffee after a meal if it’s not too much trouble.

The fund raising supper and dance is coming up, time to party! I’ll have to have a few drinks to support the bar and people won’t be wondering why I’m not drinking. Nope, not on your life. First thing, what other people think of you is none of your business. Second, go up to the bar and donate what you’d normally spend, the bartenders will remember you for your generous donation and not the person they had to cut off because you had too much to drink. You enjoyed visiting, dancing, and having a great time all with NA drinks!

Those were just a few of occasions in the past 16 months, and they happened more than once along with other cravings and triggers. But I didn’t fight with those feelings, I stopped them at the first thought and turned it into a thought that would protect my quit. It became easier and easier as time went by. And now most everyone knows I don’t drink, and more importantly the reason why I don’t drink. It gets easy to just stay at home with self-pity then to come up with another lie as to why you’re not drinking. There’s no shame in telling people why you can’t drink, and it ends a lot of the fighting you do with yourself! It’s a freedom like no other!

[abcowboy]

Thank you for your input fluff, I haven’t seen you on WQD lately? I think your son gave you some pretty good advice, if a recovery method isn’t working or it’s upsetting you, it might be time to try something different. There are many options out there, I hope you find the one that works for you.

[fluff]

You're right about that- and am still working on recovery. I'm just wondering who made you the guru of quitting after only 16 months? That's a good time and all but I've seen relapse happen after more than that. Like my dad quit and after ten years went back to drinking. Do you get what I am saying? You think you have all the answers, you think you are so wise to sobriety -but are you really?

[abcowboy]

I don't have all the answers, no one does. I'm just pointing out what worked for me and others who I've talked to. A possibility of relapse is in everyones future, but I choose to believe that my want to stay sober will overpower any want or need to drink.

[fluff]

So, what worked out for you?

[abcowboy]

Hitting my rock bottom, counselling, support from family and friends, hours of prayer, and finally accepting that I would die if I kept drinking. I got "tough love" from my Doctor, my wife, my kids, my counsellor, and from myself. It was then that I wanted to be sober more than I wanted to drink.

[fluff]

Sounds pretty solid- and wishing you well. Keep up the good fight.