Do You REALLY Want To Be Sober?

[abcowboy]

It’s NHL hockey playoffs right now, and that’s a big thing for us Canucks. Back in 2003, I asked the kids if they would like to get a playoff pool going, we would email back and forth teasing about who picked what team and who’s teams were losing etc. It was a great way for all of us to “get together” via email. Then along came the smart phones, we all used Blackberry’s back then, so the email was only used to send in our team picks after each round (the youngest daughter is our Official Statistician), and BB Messenger was the way we kibitzed on game nights. Now we all have iPhones and the pool has expanded to include some cousins/nieces/ nephews so that we have at least one time per year that we all “get together”. Bubba and I bought a big trophy and each year the winner of the pool gets an individual plaque put on it and has the option to keep the trophy at their place till the next year. It’s turned out to be one of my better ideas/suggestions to keep us together. Now the reason I was so long winded above, was to preclude what I’m about to say…

Holy Grail 2.jpg

I can remember many, many nights when I’d sit in front of the TV with a box of beer by my side. Drinking away and cheering for my teams. The more I drank, the more I cursed the referees and some of the coaches/players for bad calls or bad plays. As if my drunken outburst would have any affect on the outcome of the game lol. More often than not, I would end up passing out before the game ended and would have to check the scores in the morning to see who the winners were. When Adam and I got tickets to a game, the $11.00 for a glass of draft beer didn’t slow me down at all, and most of the time he would end up having to drive the 2 hour trip home.

Those times now feel like a lifetime ago! And it was in a sense, it was my drinking lifetime. I now enjoy a much healthier, happier sober lifetime and the rest of the clan can make sense of things I text as we kibitz on game nights lol. Speaking of game nights, it’s just about time to get settled in to watch Game 4 of the Edmonton – Anaheim series, which the Oilers are leading 2 games to 1 in a best of 7 game series.

Go Oilers Go!!
Oilers.jpg

[abcowboy]

I’m going to do a post not so much on drinking/non-drinking, but more on how dependant we’ve become on technology. I don’t really consider myself old at 60, but when I relate those years to all the changes I’ve seen over those past 60 years, it makes me feel old. I was 5 years old before we had running water and a bathroom in the house. I was 6 years old when we got our first TV, and it was black and white! My kids still have a tough time thinking about no running water or an indoor flushable!

One week ago, our community here got hacked. How many of us tried to log in and couldn’t? How many of us got worried that MWO was gone forever? And did we have an alternative if that turned out to be the case? What would happen if the Internet got hacked for good or if the cell phone system crashed for good? Can you remember back to when we didn’t have Internet or cell phones?

Yesterday I was going back and forth in the tractor harrowing fields to get them ready for seeding and I had my cell phone on the tractor armrest console where it always sits. I talked with my son about a riding lawnmower that he was picking up from our farm, I texted Bubba to see if she made it to her parent’s okay, and I did a bit of MWO reading. I got finished the field and folded the harrows up to move to another field and jumped out to check if it went into transport mode okay. When I got to the next field, I unfolded the harrows and got them back into field mode and jumped out to make sure it locked into position okay. I was off and rolling again going up and down the field. I noticed the fuel in the tractor getting low so I figured I’d text the farm boss that I’d need fuel in a coupe of hours and low and behold, my cell phone was gone!! Instant panic!! I stopped the tractor and hunted high and low in the cab, I checked all my pockets, vest, jacket, pants and no phone! Did I take it out with me when I folded up or unfolded, I couldn’t remember! So, I got on the tractor 2-way radio and called the farm boss, he didn’t answer, he mustn’t be near a 2 way. Panic level rises a bit more! What if my son was having trouble loading the lawnmower on the trailer by himself? What if Bubba was trying to text or call me, she would get worried if I didn’t answer! What if I run so low on fuel that I had to stop? More panic… I kept trying the 2 way for about an hour with no success, then when I figured I had about ½ hour of fuel left, Corey finally called me back on the 2 way. He wondered why I hadn’t answered his calls or texts. I explained my situation and had him call again while he was on the 2 way with me. He said the phone was ringing, but I couldn’t hear it, so it must be out in the field somewhere. At least it was ringing and not going straight to voicemail, I knew that I didn’t run over it with the tractor! Corey was on his way up with fuel, and when we finished fuelling the tractor, we went to search for me phone. Two men walking crisscross in a field where I folded up and then in the next field where I unfolded. For about an hour we did this, him phoning my cell and both of us listening to see if we could hear it ring. No luck….

When we got back to the tractor, I used Corey’s phone to call Bubba and explain what happened. Her's went to voicemail, so I left a message. While I was in the tractor cab putting things back after moving them all around searching, I could hear a faint ringing, I asked Corey if his phone was ringing. He said no, but then his phone started to ring. It was Bubba calling back after I left my message. She tried my cell first, then Corey’s, so I knew my phone was somewhere around the tractor! Corey got up in the cab with me, called my phone, and sure enough, we could hear a faint ring! It had fallen off the armrest and felt under the bellows of the air ride seat, there was no way we could hear it with the tractor running! Instant relief!!

I spent the rest of the day thinking about how dependant we’ve become on technology! Cell phones, Internet, PC’s, laptops, tablets, iPad, and the list goes on. What’s the first thing you check for before leaving your house, your cell phone I bet! Just the same as me. For 4 hours yesterday I was in panic mode over a cell phone. For almost 2 hours, two men searched for 1 cell phone. Life has become more complicated with technology lol. So just think where you would be if all the technology crashed, forever… Do you have a Plan B?

[abcowboy]

I was over reading on the Gratitude thread and a post [MENTION=7944]dill[/MENTION] made got me to thinking about her and one other member in particular, but it’s the same for many, many people who are still struggling. They’re not quite there yet, but thet’re not giving up. Anyway, when I read the post, a movie immediately came to mind, Field of Dreams; “built it, and they will come” or in our case, build your plan, and it (sobriety) will follow. Kevin Costner never gave up, no matter what his family, friends, or neighbours thought. And we are the same, no matter what anyone says or thinks, if we really want sobriety and do what's necessary, sobriety will come!

Sure there will be times when we don’t think we can do it. And there’ll be times when we falter. But if we keep in mind that everyone can get sober, then one day the struggles and hard work will pay off and it will come…..

[empyr3al]

Re: Do You REALLY Want To Be Sober?

Excellent point - thank you! I am in contact with several members here (very good friends now ). I have other websites and blogs I follow. It did help to know that I still would be able to contact my friends.

When you kill all your friends that were addicts (figuratively eliminated them). Are you accepted or able to speak of addiction with random people?

[Guitarista]

Re: Do You REALLY Want To Be Sober?

When you kill all your friends that were addicts (figuratively eliminated them). Are you accepted or able to speak of addiction with random people?

Random addicts, yes. Like here.

Off to polish the bike.

[abcowboy]

[abcowboy]

It's been awhile since I've posted to my journal, but with long days in the field, I don't have a whole lot of time other than to do my regular posts. On another forum I belong to, a young lady early in recovery, was worried about what she should say about her decision to quit drinking and it gave me a bit of inspiration for a poem...

What do I tell my drinking friends
When they come knocking at my door
How do I make it plain to them
That I don’t drink no more.

This here’s a problem for us all
When we give up the drink
Telling our friends and family
And of us, what will they think?

For me I guess I’m different from most
Cause I just tell it straight up and true
No sense beating around the bush
For a lie will come back on you.

So I tell’em maybe today just one
And tomorrow maybe the same
But one day that won’t be the case
I’ll end up drunk again.

I just never really know for sure
When I can stop at just one
So it’s just much simpler and easier for me
To make sure that I have none.

This is the way that I am now
And you’ll always be my friend
But if you can’t accept the new me
Then our friendship will have to end.

My friends are okay with the non-drinking me
And respect my decision to quit
They carry on as if nothings changed
And it bothers me not one little bit!

[Blossssom]

Re: Do You REALLY Want To Be Sober?

Well-written! But for the grace of God...

Well to be honest if I wasn't working and I didn't have a family then I don't know how motivated I would be to stay sober. The thought of losing my job and my family helps me do what I need to do to stay sober. Not saying that fear is enough to keep me sober but it's a huge motivator.

I have to say serial slippers/relapsers don't bother me, because I was one myself. I don't think I was looking for excuses to drink, so much as I hadn't found a way to live sober yet.

I have a close friend that is drinking heavily. Sometimes I grow impatient with her because I think "I figured this thing out, why can't she." I have to remember that just three months ago I was in the exact same situation. I would call her and she would be one of the only people that listed to me without judgement and gave me a shoulder to cry on. I didn't care that she was drinking because so was I. Who knows maybe in a year I'll be drinking again and she'll be sober. So every time I feel myself getting impatient with someone who is still drinking, or is a serial relapser, I have to remember to see myself in them.

[abcowboy]

I see my journal has slipped down to page 2, that in itself isn’t what’s important, what’s important is that it means I’m neglecting to do something that is healthy for me! It could be one of the reasons for my downer mood lately. This summer cold isn’t helping either, darn a/c!

I know I always preach about using gratitude to lift your spirits, but it doesn’t always work. I also preach about thought re-direction to help get through those troubling times, but that also doesn’t always work. So maybe it’s okay to feel down every once in a while, maybe it’s just a way of saying that life isn’t always going to be a bed of roses. Maybe it’s a way of teaching us that we’re only human, that we can be happy and sad just like everyone else. We’re just a bit different than anyone else because we think, or used to think, that alcohol fixes everything, it doesn’t, it only makes it worse.

It’s been rather quiet here on MWO, but it’s the same on WQD, and SR is so big that you don’t notice if some of the threads slow down lol. I think it’s the time of year, more people outside, vacations, etc. As long as the members check in when they need to, that’s what’s important. There was a bit of discussion on the Steppers thread about mentioning everyone in posts, and that is a big reason that I don’t post on a lot of threads, I don’t want to hurt anyone by not mentioning them, or failing to recognize them in one way or another, so I’ll continue to post when I read something on a thread that I feel I can contribute to, and I’ll continue to use the thanks/likes buttons so that people know that I’m reading what they have to say. But there’s just no excuse for neglecting my own journal when I know that writing stuff down brings me an inner peace much like prayer does...

[Sunbeam]

Re: Do You REALLY Want To Be Sober?

I'm with you, Cowboy. At this point, MWO is an important but minor player in my life. I focus on engaging in my new AF life.

[abcowboy]

This is going to end up a long, spiritual post, I can just tell. Sunday mornings are special to me for a number of reasons, mostly because of the spiritual aspect of Sunday. I really don’t know where to start, so many thoughts in my head, so I’ll just talk to myself, and God, and see if I can make some sense of all this.

I had a profound moment this morning, one that brought tears to my eyes, and I’m sure it had to do with the things that are happening right now to some of the members on MWO, [MENTION=17650]paulywogg[/MENTION], [MENTION=19302]Lizann[/MENTION], [MENTION=23208]wagmor[/MENTION], just to name a few. But reading about their struggles got me to thinking about my dad, and the great relationship we shared. And I remembered back some 15 years ago, New Year’s Day, and Bubba and I had been back home for 10 or 12 days because dad wasn’t doing so good, the Dr. figured he had only hours to live. In those 10 or 12 days, we were called to the hospital 3 or 4 times because the nurses in the hospice unit didn’t think he’d make it through the day, but he did. He was very seldom awake, and when he was, you could tell from the look on his face that he was confused and maybe was going through some pain. But I went to the hospital everyday to sit with him, talk to him, and hold his hand. Then we got the call, about 10:30 in the evening on New Year’s Day. The nurses called once again, my mom wouldn’t answer the phone if it was the hospital calling, so I did. I told mom that I was going up to the hospital and asked if she wanted to come along, but she didn’t. I called my remaining brothers (my older brother was still alive at the time) and Bubba and I headed up to the hospital. I sat in the chair beside him, and took his hand in mine, and just sat there watching his face, talking to him, and listening to his laboured breathing. At 12:07am, Jan 2nd, 2002 my dad’s face changed, gone was the grimaced look he’d had for the few weeks, a slight smile came over him, his breathing relaxed, he squeezed my hand, and took his last breath. Bubba and I looked at each other, not knowing what to say, not knowing how to explain what we had just witnessed. It took 15 years and an overnight stay in the hospital for me to fully understand what happened that night when my dad died.

This morning, a feeling came over me, a feeling I haven’t had in over 20 years…. I felt like going to Church, and not just going to Church, but getting involved in the Church again. I decided that first thing next week I’m going to set up an appointment to go talk to the priest, to see if after the changes Pope Francis has made to the annulment process might make it worthwhile to appeal the decision of the National Tribunal regarding my annulment application. I don’t know why this feeling came over me this morning, I only know the last time I had a moment like this I walked away from my hospital stay knowing I would never drink again. I could have gone to Church this morning, but I didn’t, I want to talk to Father Roger first, but I did go to YouTube and listen to a couple of songs that mean a great deal to me, and to write out this profound feeling I have, that I’m truly blessed to have experienced it twice in my life now….

[abcowboy]

[Lizann]

Re: Do You REALLY Want To Be Sober?

:heartbeat: ok so now you've got me crying. I am assuming you are catholic? There are other dominations out there that don't require annulment. God loves you for who you are, no matter what

[dill]

Re: Do You REALLY Want To Be Sober?

I too was very moved by your post, [MENTION=21602]abcowboy[/MENTION]. I hope you can find a way back home. There are ways to work around these things. I know bc my dear departed brother sought and was granted an annulment even after having 4 children! He was eventually remarried to a Catholic woman. His ex wife also remarried in the church. So, things do happen. And the Catholic Church is encouraging Catholics to come home to their faith, as you may know. (google Catholics come home)

I returned to Church after some 40 years away. It meant a lot to me to return to the faith I was raised in. It helped me feel connected once again with my youth and my dear departed brothers and mother who sat side by side with me for many, many Sundays. I can't describe the feeling. The return to Church has been a big help to me on this journey.

Thank you for sharing.

[abcowboy]

You're right Liz, I was baptized Roman Catholic and would like to go back to that Church. I'm hoping that like dill's brother, and with the new status on annulment, my case will be reviewed as my annulment was approved at the Provincial Tribunal, then it was denied at the National Tribunal. The new doctrines on annulment have changed in that if it is approved at the Provincial Tribunal then it is not required to go any further. The Pope also stated that those whose annulments were rejected are invited to have them looked at again.