Do You REALLY Want To Be Sober?

[Jude58]

Re: Do You REALLY Want To Be Sober?

[MENTION=21602]abcowboy[/MENTION]......Love, love, love the way that you celebrate this special time of year! Every year I get very depressed at Christmas. The ads before Halloween, the importance of spending money on expensive gifts, and the greed which overshadows the holidays, always serve to put me in dark place. In the past, I have always put up a wall between myself and Christmas. Your way of celebrating the season sounds wonderful, and I could feel the peace and serenity in your words. I especially like the part about having a tree without decorations, and the giving box. Maybe if more people adopted your way of thinking, Christmas would once more become a time of joy for me. Thank you!

Hope that you are well G...enjoy the horseback ride!

[abcowboy]

You know Jude, it wasn't always like that. I was one of the people that had gazillions of lights strung on the house and our huge pine tree in the front yard. The Christmas tree made it's exit when we got Hank lol, and we never put one of any kind back up. Never had an Advent wreath, but always had a Nativity scene. There were always lots of Christmas ornaments everywhere as well.

Then I got sober, and the true meaning of Christmas filled me. We celebrate the season as simply as we can now, keeping in mind what Christmas is all about...

[Guitarista]

Re: Do You REALLY Want To Be Sober?

Hiya Jude.

Thanks. Yep, i enjoyed the ride on Mr J. A huge handsome beast who treated this greenhorn with great patience. All is good here.

How are things?

[abcowboy]

What Christmas is to me....

[abcowboy]

As 2018 draws to a close, I found myself spending a lot of the day thinking back on this past year. It hasn’t been an easy one for me in many ways, but I made it through okay. There were good times and there were some bad times, but together they made me who I am, a stronger person and grateful for so many things.

I finally realized that I’ve about made all the amends I could, that feeling guilty over who and what I was when I was drinking just wasn’t heathy for me. It was time for me to finally stand up for what I think is right, and not let that guilt make me accept something I didn’t believe in. It took a long time before I understood what “let go and let God” really meant, and the peace that it has given me. I’m grateful for finally understanding what the Serenity Prayer is all about.

I am disappointed that I hardly got any of the projects done that I wanted to do this year, but hey, there’s always next year. The strength in my arm and hand should be back by the spring and I can tackle those jobs that had to be put aside. I’m grateful that I’m still able to use my hand and fingers, it could have been a lot worse.

My best buddy Hank put both Bubba and I through some sleepless nights, not to mention what it did to our bank account. But it’s only money and you can’t put a price on the unconditional love that our pets give to us. I’m grateful for our vet and all the staff at the vet clinic for the great care that they give Hank and for keeping him healthy. I hope to spend a few more years with him by my side.

This past year has shown me what faith really means to me. To be able to go through this past year without falling victim to alcohol and going back to being the drunk I once was. There were times when I wanted to escape, and escape I did, but not through booze or drugs, but by putting my faith in God, knowing that He wouldn’t give me anything I couldn’t handle. There’s never been a year where I reached out and talked to Him as much as I did this year, asking for the strength I needed to get through another tough situation. I am so grateful that He never turns a deaf ear to me.

No words can describe my love for Bubba, how she has stood by my side throughout the years. This year was equally tough on her, but our love for each other has held firm and got us through all the rough times. I am so very grateful to have her in my life and by my side.

And I can’t end the year without being grateful for my sobriety. It was tested on more than one occasion this past year but I didn’t give up on it. And what I’ve learned is that if I give up on my sobriety, then I’ve given up on myself and those who I love, those who have helped me stay sober, and that includes all of you here!

My wish for all of you in the coming year; that you too will find the happiness and peace that I have been blessed with…. Happy New Year!

[abcowboy]

4 years sober, 62 years old today, who’d a thought I’d ever make it this far, but through the grace of God I did. Four years sober is quite small in the world of sobriety, but it’s four years that I’ve proved to myself that I can do this. So many thoughts run through my head, how hard, yet how simple this journey has been. So many people have been instrumental in my quest for lasting sobriety, from Bubba, our kids, and everyone here. But the biggest help I’ve had is in my faith in God.

It seems that a lot of the time we talk about all the benefits of sobriety, and there are many. But the road to realizing those benefits isn’t easy in the beginning. I remember that first week, not sure if I’d really be able to walk away from booze forever, forever seemed sooooo long. But everyday I refused to pick up that first drink, the stronger I became. I remember times when I tried to convince myself that I could just have one, then walk away. And truth be told, I probably could have, on occasion. But I also knew that I’d never know when 1 would turn into 21, and that was the truth I had to face, that sooner or later 1 would turn into 21, so it would always have to be none. Then came the simple part, don’t think forever, think one day at a time. If I could just go to bed that day sober, I could deal with the next day when I woke up.

So, I set up a plan. Every morning I would wake up and say a prayer of thanks, then log in here and my other forums to stay close to my support systems. When things got tough, I’d look on every experience as a positive motivator, reminding myself that things could always be worse, develop an attitude of gratitude. And when things seemed like they were overwhelming, stop, take a breath, have a bit of a talk with the Big Guy, then carry on. It only takes a minute or two to let those drinking thoughts disappear if you don’t dwell on them. Every night I would log back on my forums for some extra strength, then end my day with another prayer. A pretty simple plan, but it’s working for me.

As I look back and think of where I was and how far I’ve come, think of all the benefits that sobriety has given me, one benefit stands out more than the rest, I very, very seldom think of drinking. And when I do think of alcohol, its how alcohol controlled me and turned my life upside down. I no longer think of alcohol as a friend, something to help me through the tough times. Alcohol is a life destroyer, plain and simple. It may not be that way to everyone, but it is to me, and that’s all that matters. I can’t stress enough how refreshing and relieving it is not to be constantly consumed about thoughts of drinking. When could I sneak in my next drink, which liquor store should I go to, what hiding place should I use, and what lies I should tell to cover up my drinking. That alone is reason enough to walk away from the booze and never look back.

Will I never think again about having a nice cold beer, nope, I’m almost certain that those thoughts will come from time to time. But I can accept those thoughts for what they are and then let them go. And as the days pass, those thoughts get further and further apart. Something that I spent over 40 years partaking in won’t just disappear that fast, but I’ve learned the best way to deal with it. I don’t drink, simple as that…..

[abcowboy]

I see it’s been a while since I’ve been on my own thread. I usually come here when things aren’t quite sitting right with me, so long periods of time between posts is a good thing right?

I’ve spent more time on recovery forums this past week or 10 days than I can ever remember. Not that I’ve been thinking of drinking again, but drinking has been lurking in the back of my mind. I hardly ever have drinking dreams, but I’ve had one just about every night for the past week or so. Guess my subconscious is trying to tell me something. Getting online and reading the posts has really helped to keep me grounded and kept my head in the game. I guess this is what they mean when they say if you make 5 years sober, you have a good chance of staying sober. Who knew year four would be this difficult!!

We learned on Wednesday that a shirt-tail relative of Bubba’s was found dead on his bathroom floor. I’ve only met him and his family a handful of times and I would have never guessed that he was an alcoholic! We found out that a year or so ago he lost his job as a teacher because of his drinking, did a stint in rehab but went back to drinking, and his kids moved out on their own to get away from him. They never said the exact cause of death, just that it was alcohol that killed him. He was only 56…

Hank has been having a tough go of it lately. I think the nerve damage that was caused by his lipoma is more extensive than they thought. His back legs are giving out on him more frequently and his hind end will just drop to the floor as he’s walking. He prefers sitting or lying down now and he’s not much interested in chasing and catching his toys. We’ll have to keep a close watch on him and make sure that he stays comfortable for what time he has left with us.

We were in Vegreville yesterday as I have to replace the door on the in-law’s garden shed, and Bubba is slowly getting the house ready to go up for sale. The mother-in-law is trying her hardest to get me to change my mind and move into their house. It’s not what I really want to do, but Bubba told me one way or another she’ll be moving to Veg to look after them, with or without me. She’s prepared to live apart and see each other when we can if I’m not willing to move with her. I spent a lot of time yesterday contemplating why I’m so against moving there, am I just being selfish, or is there more to it. I definitely don’t want to live apart, but I don’t want to live with my mother-in-law either and I know she’ll be over to any house we live in all the time. I just don’t know… I think when push comes to shove, we’ll end up in Veg, and I’ll be spending a lot of time by myself at the farm and that might work out okay for the next few years. Time will tell and there’s no panic to make a decision right now. I told Bubba to get the house up for sale and start looking for work in Veg, no one was moving anywhere until she has a job to go to.

Life sure sucks at times, but I’m glad I’m dealing with all of this sober. I can’t imagine what I’d be like if I was still drinking. I can stop and take a look at myself, figure out where my thoughts and motives are coming from, then make rational decisions that will affect me positively.

On a good note, the farm boss called to make sure I was able to help out again this year as he’s hoping to get started seeding the last week of April. That will help keep me busy and not always dwelling on the things that are happening right now….

[Slo]

Re: Do You REALLY Want To Be Sober?

Cowboy, I thought you were being quiet lately...

Thanks for sharing the story of Bubba’s distant relative, to remind us all of where we’re headed if we don’t stop drinking. I feel like such an oddball, when most everyone else can drink for fun...but this highlights the seriousness of our condition. Actually I had an in-law relative who died in the bathroom too of alcoholism, at age 47. The best they could figure out was that he died from bleeding esophageal varices.

Aw, such a bummer about Hank having permanent complications from his surgery. I know how much you enjoyed having your active buddy running around and chasing toys. Sad to see his decline now.

I wondered what had happened with the Vegreville situation -no real change then. That is tough, and hard for you to be expected to just give up your home, and hurtful that she’s seemingly choosing them over you -but I guess she’s just doing what is expected in their culture. It’s like an unfortunate clash between Old World Ukrainian ways and modern-day North American ways. I guess all you can do is what you’re doing: keeping your boundaries and holding your ground, figuring out what is best for you too; helping out & being supportive in ways you can, and seeking the best compromises.

I’m glad that you have been “fighting back” against the drinking dreams (which probably just mean you’re stressed, and feeling powerless over some situations) with extra reinforcement on recovery forums.
I started having drinking thoughts today, after getting more deeply depressed over the last week, so just went ahead and had sugar, dairy, gluten and all those goodies tonight. If my strict diet is causing drinking thoughts to suddenly rear their ugly heads when they’ve been gone for so long, then it has to go!
Because our alcohol quits are primary.

Spring seeding is coming at a good time. Hope the hard work and busyness of the season is a welcome distraction for you!

[Jude58]

Re: Do You REALLY Want To Be Sober?

Sorry that you're having such a rough time of it [MENTION=21602]abcowboy[/MENTION]. I couldn't put my thoughts into words as well as Slo did, so "what she said." You are always there for everyone here, but the support goes both ways you know, and we've got your back. Hang in there ....if you ever just need to talk, you know how to reach me. :huggies:

[NoraC]

Re: Do You REALLY Want To Be Sober?

[MENTION=21602]abcowboy[/MENTION] - thinking of you and sending positive energy. I am glad that you came here to talk and are being so proactive in other ways. You are going through some very hard, stressful times and keeping all your sobriety friends/tools around you is so important.
Sending love my friend

[dill]

Re: Do You REALLY Want To Be Sober?

I just saw this post last night and read it and thought about you a great deal last night, Cowboy. I have no more advice than to say you must do what is right for you while also being supportive of B and doing your best for her too. What those things will ultimately be, time will tell. As regards to your question of whether or not you are "just being selfish" I do not think so at all. No more than anyone else is being. In fact maybe a little bit less. I'm sorry you have to be in this dilemma. :hug: I can only tell you that I would be reacting the same way as you and would not want to move in with my in-laws if the situation arose. Whose to say what I would actually do if Mr. D made that choice (which I am sure wouldn't be something he would consider) but it's not a given that I would go with him. I don't think that would be selfishness. There are ways we want to live our lives and need to live our lives and if we don't then resentment will likely become a daily presence. You are not being selfish because it is obvious that you are willing to make many changes, concessions and accommodations to help your wife and in-laws. But we each have our needs and those must not be ignored. Yours need to be accommodated as well as theirs. You and B have a loving relationship and I am confident you will find your way thru.

I know how hard it must be to be watching dear Hank suffer. He's lucky to be loved so well. :hug:

I'm glad you have the seeding to look forward to! Maybe we in the café will have some pictures from the field to enjoy like last year! :happy2:

[abcowboy]

Ya know, I just got to say THANK YOU to everyone! I sure appreciate the comments and different perspectives, both here and in the pm's. I know my situation isn't as bad as some of you other folk have it, but no matter how big the problem is, if you're struggling with it, this place is a Godsend!