Do You REALLY Want To Be Sober?

[abcowboy]

I sometimes get to thinking about my past, all the terrible, crazy things I’ve done both when drinking and sober. I know that we as alcoholics shouldn’t dwell on our pasts, only use it as a reminder as to why we are on this journey. That being said, I think all of us think about do-overs, what would I change if I could?

Well, maybe I should have listened to my mom and not married my first wife. Then I wouldn’t have my four fantastic kids! And maybe I wish I wouldn’t have frequented the bars so much after my divorce. Then I wouldn’t have met Bubba! And maybe I shouldn’t have said the drunken things I said to my daughter. But then I’d never have gotten sober when I did!

Those are just three examples and I can come up with a lot more without really thinking too hard. So thinking back, would I really change any of those things, probably not. I do wish I hadn’t said the things to my daughter, but the GSR of that conversation and the results of it ultimately led to me getting sober and I told her that. The point is, the past is the past, we don’t get any do-overs. But we have to find a way to come to terms with it. And it may sound a bit like I’m justifying why I drank, that good things came from my drinking. It’s not that at all, I’m ashamed and sorry for all the bad things I did in my past, but if I don’t look for the good in it, the guilt will haunt me forever. So I have to find the things I can be grateful for, every cloud has a silver lining they say. My past has molded me to the man I am today, and if I died tomorrow I’d die a happy man. For that I am truly grateful.

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[Inthesky]

What great timing you have Cowboy!
Yesterday was an extremely stressful day for me (people that are AF call it life lol) I had to give myself a few time outs just to sit and breathe and that idle time brought tears to my eyes. Riddled with guilt and self shaming my mind took me to some dark places. I will need to figure this out as to how I can live with myself and not let it haunt me forever. I realize that we should leave the past behind but somethings just can't be to let lie if we can't find peace in it. I can honestly say I don't think I have ever done anything sober that I regret or haven't made amends for, but AL is a different story. It's like a Jekyl and Hyde syndrome as one side I don't remember a lot.
Thank you for giving me some insight into looking for the silver lining from the past.

[abcowboy]

We can all turn some bad experiences into positive steps if we just look for them. Our AV only wants us to think it has all the answers, it only has one answer, an early grave. You turn 42 today Sky, I quit when I turned 58. Just think of the 16 years I wasted on drinking and think of how great your life will be throughout those next 16 years (and beyond) that you will get to experience as a sober person. No more lies, no more hangovers, no more GSR for the things you did while drinking. Not to mention all the money you'll save that you can spend on vacations, shoes, handbags, clothes, etc. And if a craving hits you hard, go shopping! Whatever you would have spent on booze, spend the same on something else, something just for you....anything to get through the cravings. You can do it, one day at a time is how....

[fluff]

I want to be just don't know how to be. You can say all the things I've heard before- but with a very active drinking husband who brings home the gin every night- it's not easy.

[abcowboy]

I don't imagine it is fluff, I'm lucky in the respect. Bubba was my drinking buddy, it's how we met. But she had an off switch, she could say no thanks after a few. She hardly ever drinks anymore, and rarely around me.

But you have to remind yourself that you need to quit for you, not for him, or anyone else. And I don't know your situation, if you can get away for a while till you get some sober time in? If not, then you just have to walk away when he pours. Get out, go for a walk, whatever. But you need to tell him that you want to quit and that you need his understanding and support. It won't be easy, but you can do it.

[fluff]

I have tried everything, from hiding the gin, to telling him we can't have this in the house anymore.
I'm at a stall at this point. I'm not going to leave him- because he needs help-plus he's the father of my children.
If he was in the quitting thing with me that would be great- but he's not.
I left wqd, btw, it wasn't doing any good for me and I didn't like what happened with the site.

[abcowboy]

WQD is like any recovery forum, it only helps if you want it to, but at least you are here and trying and that's what counts.

I think you probably already know that hiding the gin wouldn't help, I bet it doesn't help for you and I know it didn't help for me. Nothing is ever hopeless, you are not hopeless and you're not helpless, we all can be helped. There's not much I can say that you haven't already heard fluff, but I want you to know that you have a final quit in you, everyone does.

I don't know what methods you've tried? Are there any you haven't that interest you? You know the old saying, if you keep doing the same thing you'll keep getting the same results, so what can we try next?

[fluff]

I don't know but everyday I wake up feeling like I don't want to live or what is the point of of living. I hate it. Then I just go to work and all is okay until I come home.
Yep- I need therapy. My sister even said so.

[abcowboy]

So what's holding you back fluff? I imagine 3 or 4 sessions at least are covered by a Wellness Program, going to my counsellor was a great thing, got me off on the right foot. And I was in your shoes about what's the point of living, and for me it went downhill from there as you well know. If you're in that place right now, get to a counsellor, and do it as soon as you can! Don't wait till it's a condition of your release like mine was!

[Mr Vervill]

Stopping in to congratulate you on 18 months, (a year and 1/2), Cowboy. Well done. BTW, I appreciate this thread, thank you.

[abcowboy]

Thanks Mr V , on both counts!

It was 3 years ago this November when I first tried to get sober. 3 one night slips and an overnight stay in the hospital and I found the quit that sticks. As of today I haven’t had a drop of alcohol, not even a sniff, in 18 months. How? Prayer, determination, and wanting to be sober more than I want to drink! That’s all I needed along with a ton of support. I really believe that support is one of the biggest things, especially from people who have been there, who understand.

Even if you are at day 1 you’re started on the right journey, a journey to a healthier, happier, sober you. Sobriety rocks! And it doesn’t get any better than that. So hang in there, get through today and not worry about tomorrow, tomorrow will take care of itself if you use what got you through today….

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[open halo]

Big congrats cowboy!

[abcowboy]

Howdy open halo and thank you! Long time no see, great to have you back! It looks to me like we have to do something about that broken halo, time to get it all joined up into a real halo eh!

[lex]

congrats ab and your posts keep me hanging in there, too. When I start looking at the past too much I'm in jeopardy of giving up and wanting to drink. In my case, I had the crazies before I started to drink, and the beer made me even crazier. Most guys want to act like John Wayne after a few beers. But i'd end up acting like Sid Caesar the Joker on the old Batman show. Great way to lose friends and alienate people. I'll never get those folks back, but I'm ready to try to humbly build some honest friendships. I'm your age ab so not much more time to waste. lex

[Beaches1]

Really liking these posts...have to take a break but will be back to continue reading...thanks