Do You REALLY Want To Be Sober?

[abcowboy]

Day 1 again…. Words that all of us never want to say again, and for me, would like to never hear again. But that’s kinda asking the impossible isn’t it? There will always be Day 1’s, for someone, somewhere. For the person who finally accepted they have a problem with alcohol and want to change. And there will also always be Day 1 again’s, just because the AV is cunning and convincing.

What if there was a limit on Day 1’s? Let’s say for the sake of this conversation I’m having with my AV, and we are having a good conversation right now because I have him locked away in his cage. So Mr. AV, we only get 10 tries at this, how are we going to do it? Stretch them out to last a lifetime, so that I can drink when I want, but I also have 10 chances to quit. Or should we use them up quickly so that we can just forget about quitting and drink ourselves into oblivion? My AV is a little bit stumped, on one hand, he wants me to drink all the time without ever thinking about Day 1, but on the other hand, he still wants me to live a long satisfying life so he can be my buddy for as long as he can, but drinking and long satisfying life don’t go hand in hand very well. At least they didn’t to me, you might be luckier. Once again by having this conversation with my AV, I’ve silenced him again. I can’t drink and have the life I want at the same time. And that’s why there are no limits on the number of Day 1’s.

To be quite honest, I probably only had 5 or 6 serious Day 1’s. The other ones were just wannabe’s. Now looking back on what I just wrote, I see how stupid it sounds. Why did I need 5 or 6?? Why didn’t I get it right the first time? Well, there’s a million reasons and/or excuses for that, insert yours here if you want. The thing is that there are no limits, but it would sure make life less complicated if we got it right on one of the first few tries. And the more Day 1’s we have, the harder it is to keep coming back.

If you are reading this, you must have found and/or joined this site for a reason. I’m betting that reason is because you think you have a drinking problem. If you think you have a drinking problem, you probably do. I’m not going to lie and tell you that you only get 10 tries at getting sober, you get as many as it takes. But why not make it easier on yourself, why not make your current Day 1 the final one?

And remember, the saying is “one day at a time” not “day one all the time”

[SnoopyC]

Abcowboy,
So good to read your posts, you have things to say that help me personally, give me thoughts to chew on, and I thank you. I don't know why some get offended but I say keep writing, posting, sharing, you are helpful to yourself and others. Again, thank you.

[lloydlady]

Hi ABC! I didn't know you were back on MWO, when did you decide that? You're doing great things on WQD, I hope you don't move from there. I agree with SnoopyC, I don't know why the other members find you offensive, they must feel threatened I guess. Anyway, just wanted to pop in and say hi. Make sure you give me a call the next time you're coming to Lloyd, we can meet at Timmy's and get caught up over a coffee. I'll be 5 months sober on the 12th. in case you've forgotten, which I know you haven't, haha and I owe it all to you, your words are encouraging and it's made a difference in my life. Talk soon... (hugs) LL

[abcowboy]

Hi SnoopyC and LL! Thanks for stopping by and for the kind words. I plan on posting on both forums, at least while MWO is still around, but from the way things look here, it's slowing finding it's own way out. I'll still be on WQD LL, adding support to whoever needs it, and I think I'll be in Lloydminster sometime next week, would love to meet at Tim's, I'll even buy in celebration of your 5 months!

Some days I just try and sit and reflect on my recovery, what my journey has meant to me, and why I started it so late in life instead of just giving up because I don’t have that many more years ahead of me? Because I had given myself an excuse to become something I am not. I was a bad husband, an absent father, a manipulative son and a distant brother. I had become so consumed with my own self-hatred and bent on self-destruction that I couldn't have cared less who got in my way. I knew what I was becoming, and I hated myself even more for it. I had let every excuse manipulate and justify my actions, because I deserved to be able to do what I wanted...I earned it. How very wrong I was, I am reluctant to ever say, only because I know I will forever be putting pieces back together for all the damage I have caused in my life, as well as to those around me.

I have no excuses anymore. I have accepted the fact that as hard, and sometimes easy, as it may be to say it, I had a drinking problem. I blamed it on everyone and everything but me. There is no one to blame, but that of which I see every day in the mirror. I did it. No one forced it upon me. In AA they teach you that alcoholism is a disease. Which I don’t believe, I believe it's another excuse to be used in an alcoholic's undying search for that next drink. “I have a disease don't you know!" I have been selfish in the past for all the wrong reasons, and now in my never-ending quest for sobriety and clarity, I am being selfish for right reasons. Doesn't make sense does it? I know it didn't to me either.

I've never wanted to die. But I tried to drink myself to death. Let that sink in a bit. The ultimate achievement for a selfish person. I was afraid to live. This wasn't the life I wanted and things weren't going the way I planned, so I kept finding excuses to keep drinking. I wanted help to stop but I did it for all of the wrong reasons, and none of those reasons were for me. So why does it have to take something catastrophic or life-altering in order to appreciate how precious this short time we have on earth is? We die a little every day. It is a fact that there will be no tomorrow for some of us, and some might miss these opportunities we have right now. Question everything. Living in a nightmare of shattered shapes and bizarre sensations followed by inescapable panic, cold sweat and a racing heart is how we have grown used to living. I awoke from this nightmare to find out it wasn't a dream, but my life. I was desperate for change. I had realized that things in my life had been causing me great distress, although I was conscious I was unaware. I realized that I am the cause of my own distress and I am the only one who can cause it to end. Being able to acknowledge this is always easier said than done. The one thing I do know though, no matter what people say, no one truly knows how hard it is. To be so completely honest with yourself and everyone else that the lies just melt away and truth becomes reality. Sometimes people cannot handle the truth and are happy with that false reality. They will never succeed in staying sober.

Everyone is different. You need to follow your own path to recovery, by whichever way you choose. But you must be the one to choose, no one else, but at least choose, don’t sit on the fence. That’s the thing about getting sober. People may tell you they are proud of you, that they are happy for you or that you are an inspiration to others. None of that matters. It is nice, but it won’t keep you sober. Only you can do that. I hope that I can inspire others, but at the end of the day the only inspiration you need is you. So even if you run and run and run forever, you can't possibly escape reality. You can fervently deny the existence of an ultimate truth or of God, but reality is always right there staring you in the face. And you can search for enlightenment but you will always only ever find reality. This is my reality. This is the only order I can rely on in the chaos of addiction because I know I am flawed. I am not perfect. There's no such thing as perfection, only reality. But I know I am loved, I love and I have learned to accept. I've accepted my reality. This is my life. This is my truth. I can't accept anything less than that. Life really is too short. I choose this life. This is living. One single day at a time. Smile, because why not? Be happy, for it takes more effort to be angry. Live, but really live. Be everything, or be nothing. But be.

[abcowboy]

Well, well, well…. Interesting conversation I had last night with my last remaining brother, the youngest. Bubba and I are headed to my hometown in a month to visit what family is still alive, and to visit the graves of those who have passed. I think there’s more graves than live ones lol.

Anyway, he texted last night asking if we had any definite plans and I said we didn’t, just to visit with everyone both dead and still living. He told me that him and his wife were thinking of having a family get together bar-b-que at their place Saturday night and save us from trying to get around to everyone to visit. I thanked him and told him it was a great idea! I told him we’d pay half of the expenses. He said not to worry, he’d supply the food, I could supply the booze. I figured he was just joking, so I texted back that I’m not drinking, still. He said, since when? I told him it’s been over 16 months since I had a drop, asked him if he didn’t notice at the family reunion last summer? He told me he never paid any attention to what I was drinking! We talked a bit about my decision to quit, the circumstances, and how it was the right thing for me. He said “good for you, I’m proud of you bro”. It made my night! So I told him to buy what he thought would be required for drinks and we’d pay for it. He asked if it would bother me to see all the others drinking? I told him if he never noticed me not drinking at the reunion almost a year ago, then he should know it doesn’t bother me lol.

And there you have it, for the most part people don’t pay attention to what you are drinking, and if they do, it’s probably because they just want to be a good host, or they are concerned with their own drinking. Either way, it shouldn’t affect your decision to not drink, ever.

[mama bear]

What a nice call, AB!

[abcowboy]

Thanks for stopping by mama bear, it was a great call from my brother, one of those instances that make you happy for your accomplishments.

I’ve been following Nora’s thread about MWO, what was started as a “thank you” thread has turned into an SOS for MWO. And there have been some very good comments I might add. So I’ll add a few of my own here.

Thanks/likes buttons - I use them as well, and it’s nice to receive them as well. They are a good way of showing that you’ve read the post but maybe don’t have anything to add or as mentioned, too lazy to add. Then why not set up a poll regarding the buttons, go to every active thread and let people know about the poll. Set a time limit on the poll, after the poll closes, if the majority want to keep them, nothing changes, if the majority want them gone, email Zack and tell him what happened and have him remove the buttons. Be sure to tell people to leave a post stating that they voted, they don’t have to post how they voted.

New members - Every so often a new member does join so they found the site somehow. And when I logged in, there were 8 members and 83 guests viewing the site. Some of those 83 will be members who didn’t log in, but I’ll bet it is a very small percentage of the 83, so people have found and are viewing the site. The other interesting statistic was there are 242 active members, I highly doubt that number so it makes me wonder about the other statistical numbers. If those guests were viewing old threads, why? What do the old threads have that draws their attention?

My thread - Even though it is nice to get comments or thanks/likes, that is not what is important to me. It’s the “views” that count. It tells me that people are reading what I’m posting and maybe, just maybe, someone will benefit from it. That to me is what we’re here for, to help/get help and to support/get support. If not, then we just become another “Facebook” for alcoholics or recovering alcoholics.

[YouKayBee]

Just under 3 years ago, after acheiving success with TSM and being able to drink socially I realised that (a) I was drinking for no particular reason, didn't really enjoy it and (b) I didn't want to risk TSM reversing, going back to excessive drinking would cause too much harm.

So I decided to go AF and I've never touched a drop since.

The beauty of TSM is that the medication isn't required if you don't drink, so another bonus is I no longer have to take tablets each day, or even ever.

Sure there are times when I think "ooh I could just get pissed", but reality is that it's far easier not to. Drinking alcohol is no longer part of my life. I even had an AF (for me) wedding.

[SnoopyC]

Abcowboy, just wanted to comment on your post about your brother not noticing you not drinking, and find that is true most of the time. People are focused on themselves and what they are drinking, mot of the time. And, as you stated, your brother was proud of you for not drinking, too. I find that respect for being AF is common and sometimes inspires others to look at their consumption and have the courage to change too. Thanks again for this thread.

[abcowboy]

YouKayBee, I’m thinking TSM is The Sinclair Method? I don’t know much about it, if I remember correctly there is a med you take along with their recovery process? I didn’t look much past AA, counselling, and prayer to find my final quit, but meds would have been my next step if this quit would have failed me. I think to find a quit that does stick you have to be willing to try anything, and I mean anything, if your previous recovery methods keep failing you. I also agree that once a person finds freedom from alcohol, it just seems so much easier not to drink. We don’t need it, so why drink it. And congrats on all your AF time and AF wedding! It’s nice to hear from people who quit using different methods, it gives those still struggling other alternatives.

Snoopy, I think sober is becoming a new normal for many people, not just recovering alcoholics. I still get questioned from time to time from people who haven’t heard that I quit. I’m as honest as I can be with everyone, telling them exactly why I quit. I find that after they hear my reasons, they no longer keep trying to offer me a drink. And it seems that what I have done for myself is rubbing off on a few of them as well. I’ll never preach to them about the hazards of drinking, or how much better life is without drinking, but if they ask, I'll tell them, if they want help to quit, I’ll support them.

It’s interesting that many members here and on other forums have found lasting sobriety, and even more interesting is the different recovery methods used by them. AA, RR, TSM, rehab, counselling, prayer, medications, and other methods as well. With so many options available, it makes me wonder why everyone can’t achieve lasting sobriety. My only guess is that they want to drink more than they want sobriety. I really hope that those who still struggle and suffer will eventually find the method that works for them. If a method fails, try another one, and keep trying till you find the method that works for you. So ask yourself, what’s holding you back?

[SnoopyC]

ABcowby, I agree that to quit drinking and thrive being AF, you have to want it more than you want to drink. It doesn't matter which method you use, as long as you use what works for you. Life is so interesting when you get out of the cycle of drink, sick, recover,drink sick recover. I read over and over again on this site, all the interests people uncover or go back to, renewed family/friend relationships, self-care, it is wonderful.

[YouKayBee]

abcowboy

Yes you have to drink AND take a medication at the same time. Over time the addiction to alcohol is extinguished. You then have a choice, take the medication each time you drink and drink moderately, or quit and never take the medication again.

I drank moderately with the medication for almost 2 years, then decided I didn't like it any more, and didn't want the risk of any reversal, so quit totally.

When I started TSM I'd tried everything, and for many years. I just couldn't beat it. Last thing I wanted to do was drink, but I was prepared to do anything to stop - and TSM was that anything.

I have since been back to AA in my AF time, it wasn't for me. I don't feel bad about my drinking and don't need to remember how awful it was. I do have to remember WHY I don't drink, and it does me good to remind myself where I've come from so that I recognise my progress and never, ever drink again.

[abcowboy]

As the members mentioned above, once getting in some sober time, booze becomes a thing of the past. And I’ll give you an example by what just happened to me a few hours earlier. I’ve been building a huge deck for a customer and it’s been crazy hot here, 94 - 96F during the hottest part of the day! At coffee break this afternoon, I thought to myself that I should run down to Tim Horton’s for a nice cold maple ice cap. As I was driving across town to Tim’s it dawned on me that just 2 years ago I would have packed up my tools and headed to the liquor store for a 15 pack of cold beer. That never crossed my mind today, what I wanted was a cold ice cap! I got in a couple more hours work and got home the same guy who left in the morning! All because I wanted to be sober more than I wanted a cold beer. I could have used the excuse of working in the heat as a reason for deserving a few cold ones, but I didn’t. No excuse is big enough to pick up that first drink.

[Sunbeam]

Cowboy, I just wanted to thank you for this thread. I don't have much to say these days, but it is good to stay in touch as a reminder of where I've been.

[SnoopyC]

Abcowboy,
It is interesting that you would want to reward yourself with a 15 pack, and that is the problem right there. I am the same. One beer would not have done it for me, 4 later, I would be past the point of no return, and the cycle would continue. It is OK to reward ourselves, just not with booze. I went out to eat yesterday and lots of people had one beer. One beer with their meal. That is OK, not the way I drank. So, having water, soda, or tea is the way to go for me. Then I had a lovely evening, slept well, woke up feeling great. Now, there is no choice for me, AF all the way.