Do You REALLY Want To Be Sober?

[abcowboy]

Good morning all! As I usually do every morning with my coffee, I was reading on here, sober recovery, and the Cue. I like to start my day by getting my mind focussed on why I quit drinking, and keep those thoughts in my head so that tonight I can hit the pillow still sober.

Sunbeam, I think it’s normal to find that you don’t always have things to talk about, it’s better than having to worry about what you might have said or done after a night of drinking lol. I think once we get some time in, we find a “peace” in ourselves, no more daily struggles, just move through life facing each day as it comes. It can seem rather boring at times, but I’ll take boring over hungover any day!

Snoopy, it didn’t dawn on me about picking up a 15 pack till you mentioned it. It wasn’t “I think I’ll run down and have a cold beer”, or “I’ll stop in and pick up a 6 pack to share with Bubba”, no, it was pick up a 15 pack so that I could have 7 or 8 drank before Bubba even got home from work! What a crazy way of thinking, but that’s the way an alcoholic mind thinks! So good not to think in those terms anymore, so good not to even think about booze anymore!

Just finished reading a few journals on the Cue, and one statement made by anthroman hit home with me. He is a long time member of the Cue and will have 30 years sober come September. I read the statement out loud to Bubba and she said it was the simplest, purest definition of sobriety she had ever heard, I agree with her!

i have come to the conclusion that , for me at least, drinking improves exactly nothing...and it would diminish me and those i love...how could drinking make anything better? can't

Just think about that statement, let it sink in, …….no need to say more….

[abcowboy]

So I’m working in the garage today, listening to tunes and putting indoor/outdoor carpet on the cement steps that lead to the basement. It was one of those rainy day jobs and it’s raining lol. Anyway, Michael Peterson’s Drink, Swear, Steal, and Lie comes on and I’m singing away with it, and I start paying attention to the words. It’s a funny thing that we can take so many songs and apply them to our lives.

Looking back, I realize that when I gave up drinking, the other 3 seemed to disappear as well. Not sure why exactly, something subconscious, or no real need for them anymore. At any rate, my take on the drinking, swearing, stealing, and lying….

Drinking: Well, all did it to excess otherwise we wouldn’t be here! How we got started, why we continued, and where it lead us doesn’t really much matter. We all know it’s bad for us and something that we just can’t do. Not one, not two…. none, ever, just accept it and move on.

Swearing: I don’t know a tradesman who didn’t drink and didn’t swear! Swearing seemed to come natural, just a part of our vocabulary. We swore when we were happy, swore when we were sad, swore when we were angry, and swore while we laughed. And I swore with the best of them, just like my drinking. Even Bubba has commented at how little I swear now, hardly ever! And if I do swear, it’s usually at myself for doing something stupid lol. It’s nice to not to need profanity to express myself or get my point across.

Stealing: That’s a pretty harsh word, maybe sneaking would be more appropriate. But I guess when you sneak into your spouse’s cash to get money to buy booze, it’s stealing. Or pouring yourself a few free drinks while you’re the volunteer bartender could also be classed as theft. And there’s a few more examples that I’m sure we all could add. There’s no more need for any of the sneaking and stealing when you give up drinking, you just don’t need to do it anymore. For some strange reason, I always seem to have a bit of cash in my wallet now.

Lying: Oh, that was the big one for me. I could come up with some far fetched stories just so I could stay out and drink a bit longer! The worst thing about lying was that it didn’t bother me! All I had to do was try and keep track of them all so that I didn’t keep using the same ones over and over again! Now it doesn’t matter because I have no reason to lie anymore, and telling the truth is just so much easier!

Amazing how these 4 things are related, intertwined with each other when we were actively drinking! Just more good reasons why living the sober life is so much easier and better! This post is meant mostly for Bubba, she was the one who had to live through all the above. She never lost faith, never gave up hope, and stayed by my side through all of it!

[SnoopyC]

It's so true, we steal a good life from ourselves and our loved ones, like about what and how often we drink, like about hangovers, and swearing, we just are not our best selves. It is so sad getting caught up in alcohol world, and so wonderful to be thriving in sobriety!!!! Still have challenges, but can manage them so much better AF. I can think so much more clearly, reason better, it is amazing to me how I was able to function and now howmuch better I can function.

[abcowboy]

It is so sad getting caught up in alcohol world, and so wonderful to be thriving in sobriety!!!! Still have challenges, but can manage them so much better AF.

We tell the newcomers how great sobriety is once we get over the fact that we abused alcohol, or alcohol abused us. But we don’t often talk about the down side, if you want to call it that, of quitting drinking. The biggest change is in your social life. Why drinking has become so important in socializing is beyond me. Maybe it always has been like that, but now that we’re sober we feel like we’re social misfits, or at least I do. And that’s just a fact of sobriety, you will undoubtedly lose some friends. Maybe they are the kind of friends you don’t need, but you will still lose them. The relaxation that comes from an after dinner drink is gone. Yes, there are other ways to get that relaxation, but it’s not quite the same, or so we want to believe. As “alcoholics” we know that we have to find alternatives to what we thought alcohol gave us, it can be easy, or it can be hard, it’s up to each individual. But if we want to stay sober, we have to find those alternatives or we leave the door open to another slip/relapse. Am I glad I quit drinking? It was the best thing I did for myself and those I love. Do I miss some parts of drinking? Of course I do. I’ve only been sober for 17 months, maybe I’ll have a different opinion when I get to 17 years, and I will get there, or at least die trying.

As Snoopy said, sober life is definitely a better life! But you are going to have to make big changes in your lifestyle and be willing to let go of the things you thought alcohol gave you, otherwise you’ll just stay on the merry-go-round.

[abcowboy]

The other night, idef and I were chatting and she mentioned she was going to watch “Shawshank Redemption” later that evening. I have the movie taped, so last night Bubba and I watched it again, it’s one of my favourite movies.

This morning I got to thinking about Andy’s line from the movie “get busy living or get busy dying”. I know it was a popular saying in my AA home group and I imagine it is in many others as well. It really explains recovery in a nutshell, …get busy living or get busy dying... Just makes so much sense to me.

A lot of us talk about alcohol slowly killing us, but that’s not always in the physical sense. Throughout my life I’ve known many hard core drinkers who lived to a ripe old age and succumbed to something entirely different than alcohol abuse. And I’ve known others who died in a vehicle crash because they were drunk, and also a couple of young men, good friends, who took their own life over drinking. So when we talk about alcohol slowly killing us, it doesn’t always mean in the literal sense. I know for me, as my drinking got steadily worse, a lot of things in me died. Alcohol killed my will to live a normal life, it killed everything that I thought life could be. And I’m sure it killed a lot of the faith that Bubba and my kids had in me to finally get sober. And it almost killed me literally.

So make no mistake, one way or another, alcohol kills. As narilly says, you can have the life you want, or you can drink – get busy living or get busy dying, it doesn’t get much simpler than that..

il_fullxfull.434868437_42jv.jpg

[SnoopyC]

ABcowboy,
I like that, get busy living or get busy dying! When you are in the zombie drinking pattern, drink, drunk, sick, recover, and over again, is that really living? It is like the living dead in so many ways. The social part is fun, but try it sober, and I find the same people, after their third drink (sometimes) annoying and boring. Guess I am kind of crabby, but we went on a trip in the spring, and I was forced at one point to be with a few people who were drinking and sooooo annoying, obnoxious, and I was bored, bored bored. So, being sober with people who are drinking can be different and not fun. It is a huge lifestyle change, but so much better. To health and sober life!!!!

[abcowboy]

All through recovery circles we hear about hitting “rock bottom”, but what exactly is rock bottom? It’s different for everyone I think, just as our journey to sobriety is different. I used to think of rock bottom as the homeless, brown paper bag guy or the shopping cart pushing bag lady. Or maybe it’s the guy handcuffed in the back of the police car after blowing over the limit. Or the person who lost his home, his job, his spouse, his family, or whatever. Or maybe rock bottom is laying in a hospital bed under 24-hour watch. Or maybe it’s just that morning when you wake up and look at yourself in the mirror and say “I can take this anymore, I need help!”.

One thing I know for sure is that when you say to yourself that you weren’t that bad, you’re leaving the door open just a crack. You can’t do that! You have to slam the door on drinking and throw away the key. If you let self-doubt and complacency creep in, you’re headed to another Day 1. Remember, relapse begins long before you pick up that first drink.

So read the first paragraph again. Is that what it’s going to take? I don’t think so. When the day comes that you can say you’re sick and tired of being sick and tired, when you can admit and accept that you have a problem, that’s the only rock bottom you need. But if you carrying on drinking, you just might find yourself in one of the situations I described above and none of us want that, but a lot of us have reached it. You don’t have to, go look in the mirror, the person you want to be is looking back at you, you just need to find the strength, courage, and support to let them out again. You can do it, I know you can, because I did, just like so many others before me…

hit-rock-bottom.jpg

[freeihope]

Hi ABC -you make some really great points. Thank you.

[abcowboy]

This morning I was reading through various posts on the different forums and one of the newly sober members commented "I feel like I'm stuck in everydayness". I think everydayness means something different to us all. I remember when I had a week or two, or a month of sobriety under my belt and thought if this is what sobriety is all about, I may as well go back to drinking! Where was all this great feeling and why weren’t my days filled with sunshine and daisies? The problems that I got rid of by drinking all came back now! What’s with that!!!

Yep, everydayness…. I think differently now, my days have as much sunshine and daisies as I want them to now, it’s always been up to me, but until I got some sober time built up, I didn’t believe those know-it-alls! Sure life has it’s days, but that’s life. Sure I feel stress, anxiety, pressures of everyday life, family issues, and all the other things that make up life. But instead of hiding them in the bottom of a bottle, I just deal with them. But now I deal with them with a clear and conscious mind. I found out I didn’t need alcohol to help me cope, alcohol was no help at all! None of us need alcohol! We need food, water, and shelter, but definitely not alcohol.

What changed my mind? Time! AF time! The time I needed to realize I didn’t need alcohol for anything. And there’ll be those of you thinking, “oh sure, easy to say that when you have over a year sober, I’m still struggling to get a week or month in”. Not to worry, I walked that path as well. And if you think I’m here to gloat about my sober time, think again! I’m here to help and support, just like I was helped and supported. I’m here to be reminded about how cunning our cravings can be. And I’m here to be reminded of thing like “everydayness”. So I have to say thanks to this member for helping me to realize that everydayness is a blessing in disguise when I don’t add alcohol to the mix. Everyone of us can always learn something new, pick up a bit of advice, even from the newbies.

tumblr_n0n7lwFaop1r2zyogo1_500.gif

[Inthesky]

Thanks Cowboy.
Makes me motivated to try and find the best in the everydayness even when it goes sideways. . As an adult I don't know any better, because I have pretended to be an adult for the past 23 years and beside being sober at work (mornings that wasn't always guaranteed). I wasn't happy with my days.

[abcowboy]

Howdy Inthesky! I think it was Byrdy who once said "We don't hold the rights to bad days, even normal drinkers have bad days" and I've always try to remind myself of that when my day seems to go sideways. I think to myself how drinking and getting drunk will solve it, and I can't for the life of me figure out how alcohol would help. Maybe it would make everything disappear for a while, but it would be there for me to deal with anyway when I sobered up. What's the point in putting myself in a situation that holds no solution? Be grateful that I'm sober and can deal with life clearly, or a least put the decisions off till I've thought them through with a rational mind. So, most days I'm happy with everydayness, it could certainly be a lot worse.

[SnoopyC]

Just seems that AF it is easier to be hapy with everydayness, and the moods are less extreme than when in the cycle of drink, sick, recover. Love how there is so much more time to LIVE, and do other things.

[Inthesky]

I agree Snoopy,
I drink get upset and run. The more I drink the more extreme my reactions are. I was tested somewhat yesterday but was able to reign in my emotions and not have an epic meltdown, I was able to be calm and show empathy to those I felt were trying to sabotage me on my AF journey. For once in along time I felt I had some control, very empowering

[abcowboy]

Sky, I think that many alcoholics drink because of their emotions, or the lack of being able to control them. I know I did, and it didn’t take my counsellor long to figure out that anger was my biggest trigger. She told me it was okay to be angry, as most of our emotions is the brain’s way of relieving stress. It’s how we deal with those emotions that really matter. Once I learned to keep my anger at the frustration level, I found it less of a trigger for wanting to drink. All of our emotions start with a single thought, if we can work the harmful emotion back to the thought that started it, we can deal with it in a positive manner. I only went to 4 counselling sessions, but the advice I received was definitely a big part in getting my quit to stick. My counsellor showed me ways of controlling my emotions instead of letting them take control of me. Once I was able to do that, the need for alcohol just wasn’t there anymore.

healing-peter-shepherd.jpg

[abcowboy]

I had a bit of a surprise a few months ago while working at the farm. A neighbour (who also was a drinking buddy) and his wife popped in to say hello. When I saw his red truck coming up the lane I figured he was just looking for a place to have a few beers in a warm building lol, but then I saw his wife with him. When they pulled up we did the small chat through the window thing then I asked him if there was something he needed help with, he said he needed help quitting drinking, Dr.’s orders or I guess ultimatum. I told them to come on in to the shop and we could talk for a bit.

Turns out because he has serious health issues, his Dr. told him he had to quit drinking or face an early grave, they both knew I quit and thought I might have some tips for him. It sounds like he doesn’t want to go the AA route but I told him it would give him a good base to get started on his journey. I think that fell on deaf ears, but I tried. I told him all the sayings, one day at a time, be true to yourself, quit for you not for anyone or anything else. We talked for about an hour and when they were ready to leave, I told him he had my cell #, call me anytime if he needed someone to talk to. His last question kind of stumped me for an answer, “when did I know that I would never need another drink?” I told him that I don’t know that myself, that I take it one day at a time.

I spent the rest of the day thinking about this as I worked. I remember talking to my Uncle about that very same thing, and he told me, you’ll know when that day comes because it will all just “click”. So I guess I knew a part of Eugene’s question, I knew that I would never “need” another drink the morning I woke up in the hospital. But when did it “click” with me that I’d never “want” another drink?

That’s a hard one, but I’m going to say it was around the time of my 7 month milestone. I think my first few months I was in the “poor, poor me” mode, but I knew I could never drink again. Then the next few months it was “this sober life doesn’t seem all that life changing”. But around the 6th month when I accepted the fact that I could never drink again, I realized I didn’t want to drink any more! It “clicked”!

So you’re reading this and saying to yourself “geez, I’m only on day__ , how am I ever going to get to 7 months!” First, everyone’s “click” comes at different times. Second, you only worry about one day at a time. And third, if you stick with your quit, your “click” will come!

I now go through my days being a happy and content non-drinker, and it has been relatively smooth sailing. Keep in mind though that I have yet to face any real personal disasters since I found my last quit. Will I ever drink again? I hope and pray that no personal disaster, no reason, or no excuse will ever unlock the AV from the far recesses of my mind. I put him in that cage and threw away the key. But I also know that he is very patient, and he’s just waiting for the opportunity to make his escape. It will be up to me to double up the guards when those situations arise so that there is no chance of escape for him! I love my sober life, I’m not willing to give it up for anyone or anything, but I also know that I am the keeper of the key, it’s up to me to keep my AV safely locked away.

And I’m happy to report that as of a couple of days ago, Eugene is still sober!

img_2254.jpg