Do You REALLY Want To Be Sober?

[abcowboy]

Sometimes I wonder Snoopy if it's sobriety or old age that makes me appreciate quiet time more lol

[abcowboy]

As you know, Bubba and I live in a small rural town in north-eastern Alberta. Most of my work is out in the country, working for farmers, ranchers, etc. For the most part people trust each other and don’t worry about locking the house or buildings when they leave, they know the surrounding neighbours will keep watch to see if any strange vehicles are on the roads. And in most homes, there is a side table that holds the liquor supply. No point putting it away and just having to take it out again when someone stops in lol.

So I’m working the last few days doing a bathroom renovation and as usual I’m the only person in the house. And I continually walk by the booze table as I’m hauling out construction debris or bringing in new material. And I think to myself how easy it would be to open a bottle and take a good long pull on it. Then I play the tape forward…

The old situation where one would lead to another, to another, to another and no work would get done. Another day with no billable hours, as a matter of fact I should credit the customer for the booze I stole/drank. Then I would drive home, over the limit, and pray I didn’t get stopped by the police. Does all that stop me from taking a drink? No, what stops me is the voice in my head saying you left all that behind. What stops me is seeing the sadness and disappointment on Bubba’s face when she says you’ve been drinking again?

It’s always said that you have to quit drinking for you, you are the one that has to want sobriety and that’s true. But now that I’m sober and I’m embracing my sobriety, I find that staying sober isn’t always about me. It’s about Bubba, my kids, my friends, and even my customers. It’s about how much I’d let them down if I spun the cap off that bottle….

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[SnoopyC]

Abcowboy,

That is such a great sobriety tool: thinking things through. I do that too, and realize it is just not worth it for myself and others.

[abcowboy]

It’s a long weekend up here north of the 49th, they call it “Civic Day Monday” for whatever reason that is. But no matter what they call it, I’ll take it lol. To top it off it’s been a cool, rainy weekend so far but we needed the rain to cool down these crazy hot temps we’ve been having!
We’ve been mostly stuck indoors because of the rain but I still get out for some fresh air and to give Hank some outdoor play time as well. And I get a lot of reading done, both on paper and online.

Times like this give me a chance to read through threads on both forums that I normally wouldn’t have time for. I try and choose the threads where people are struggling and can’t seem to get a string of AF days put together. Along with reading these threads, and pm’ing with some newcomers, I see that a lot of us put some pretty high expectations on ourselves, I know I did. I set up goals that were dang near impossible for me to achieve, and I think part of the reason I did it was so that I could fail, I could go back to drinking because I felt I’d failed myself, that I’d never quit drinking because I’d just proved to myself that I couldn’t.

We want things to happen fast, results to come quickly. Well, guess what? We didn’t become alcoholics overnight and most of us won’t get sober overnight either! I’m not sure about the rest of you, but sometimes I felt a twinge of jealousy when I read posts from people who got their quit to stick, if they could do it, why wasn’t I able to do it? I think because I was expecting things to happen instantly, overnight! I’d make the decision to quit drinking and the next morning I’d get up and no longer have an urge to drink. Oh, wouldn’t that be great if it were the case?? I read all of the great posts and words of wisdom and support, but I kept forgetting one of the important pieces of advice, “give it time”!

We live in a hurry-up world, expecting results sooner than later. We don’t give people or things the time and attention that is needed. So when it comes to your sobriety, slow down, don’t get in a hurry and panic if things don’t go the way you thought or wanted them to. Keep plugging away and give it time…

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[abcowboy]

My usual morning routine is a prayer asking to find the strength and courage to stay sober, coffee, read a few inspirational/motivational quotes, and read/post on the forums I joined. This morning one of the quotes I read was this;

”When I was 5 years old, my mother always told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down ‘happy’. They told me I didn’t understand the assignment, and I told them they didn’t understand life.” – John Lennon

What is happiness really? My dad said that “happiness is nothing more than a state of mind, if you want to be happy just change what you’re thinking”. Is it really that simple? I don’t know about you, but I do try to change my negative thoughts to positive thoughts and that does bring me some measure of happiness. But is it the happiness that I’ve been thinking of trying to achieve for the rest of my life?

When I was drinking, I thought that the booze would bring some joy, happiness, and good times into my life. And it did, on a few occasions. But as my drinking progressed I soon realized that drinking turned me into an angry, evil man. It wasn’t a happy life at all! In fact, it was the opposite, it was no life at all! After I quit for good my life started to change, the angry, evil man was gone, he was replaced with a kinder, gentler person. But I still wondered if this was all there was to living?

After I celebrated a year of sobriety, I knew a non-drinking Bruce was a far better Bruce, but was I happy? Then I remembered the words of my dad and decided it was up to me to see the “happiness” in my life. Alcohol masked and clouded my thinking, it wouldn’t let me see the happiness. And I realized that happiness for me can be summed up by one word, contentment. I am content with my life now, I’m happy to be the person I am, not the person I was. And when I think of how I can make my life happier, I usually think of material things. Those things won’t bring me the happiness I’m looking for; they’ll only bring me comfort. I realize that I have all the happiness I need, people who I love and who love me back, despite of all my imperfections. And I realize, for me, that is true happiness…….

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[ToMyHealth]

Hi Cowboy. Spent time this weekend reading your entire thread. Admire you. Was off MWO for awhile and when I came back saw you had left. Was so,disappointed so glad you came back to share your words of wisdom.
Knew it was Civic Day Monday as my dd married a Canadian, has lived in Ontario the past 23 yrs, and we talk every Wed. When children were small, and they were off from school yet again, I would ask so what is it this time? Her response would often be oh, the queen is having another birthday or something. We were just in Canada, left day b4 Canada Day as knew from experience 3 yrs ago we did not want to be traveling on Canada Day. Restaurants were closed. On a holiday? Answer I got was staff would have had to be paid double time. Is that true across Canada? Like visiting, seeing "black" squirrels, funny street signs like "squeeze left", Tim Hortons, etc.
Anyway, congrats on your new AF life. You do sound happy!

TMH

[abcowboy]

Great to see you back as well ToMyHealth! And yes, in Canada if you work on a stat holiday you must be paid at double time rate, so a lot of the smaller stores will be closed. I remember when I was a young lad nothing was open Sunday and Monday except for the odd convenience store! And stores were only open from 9am to 6pm! Times sure have changed, stores open everyday of the week, a lot are open on stat holidays, and now even some grocery stores along with many other kinds of stores are open 24 hours! It's little wonder that the "family time" we used to spend together is no longer there...

[abcowboy]

Failure, failed, failing; three words we’ve come to hate but words we’ve said to ourselves more times than we wanted to.

Failure is such as harsh word, to me it means you couldn’t do it and never will. Failing means that you know you’re headed for failure so you have time to turn things around, make better choices, try to get it right. And failed means you didn’t quite make it, but are going to try again. Of course these meanings of the words are what I tell myself as to why I’ll never pick up a drink again.

When we slip or relapse we often call ourselves a failure, but we’re not, unless we give up trying. And when you get to thinking that its okay to have a drink, your failing in your quit, you’re not making better choices to protect or maintain your quit. But when you do pick up that drink, you failed your quit. Don’t let it turn into failure, find out what went wrong, change your strategy, and try again! You only become a failure when you give up…

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[Wilson1]

ABC -as you say, never ever quit trying. When you reach the point of "quit trying", you will either surrender or die. This is just the way that it is and I have seen it work both ways.

[abcowboy]

I finished up a job mid-morning then headed to the farm to unload everything thinking I might have time to get all the grass cut. I backed up to my plumbing material shed and opened the door so that I could start hauling stuff in. Immediately I got stung on my hand by an angry hornet! Straight to the shop I went for the bee, wasp, and hornet spray! Gave the nest a full soaking and waited till there were no more hornets buzzing around. I got the truck unloaded then moved it up to the shop. I got to thinking, I’ve been stung by bees and wasps with no adverse reactions, but couldn’t remember if I’d ever been stung by a hornet, or if there was any difference in the venom. Turns out I must not be allergic to hornet stings either as I didn’t even swell up where I got stung.

As I continued to unload I thought about what would have happened if I was allergic, and went into shock?? Bubba would have got home and saw that my truck wasn’t there and wondered. She would text a couple of times first, then she would have called a couple of times and only got my voicemail, but she would have left messages both times. Then she’d start to worry, where was I and what was I doing? Could I really be drinking again?

Funny thing is, when I was drinking, it wouldn’t have mattered to me that she was worried. Ya, I’d probably text her after the second phone call and give her some lame excuse as to why I was late, tell her not to worry, I’d be home in a bit, then I’d carry on drinking. That’s the kind of ignorant, insensitive man alcohol turned me into. Now I worry that she’ll get home before me and my truck wouldn’t be in the driveway. And if I have any doubt that I might be a bit later than her, I phone her, so she can hear my voice and know that I haven’t been drinking. That’s the kind of man I should have been all along. That’s the kind of husband she deserves. And I’m going to stay that kind of a man.

So two things I learned today, I’m not allergic to hornet stings, and carry an epipen in the truck. I may never need it, but someone else on the job might! And no, the grass didn’t get cut because it started raining shortly after I finished unloading lol. But tomorrow is another day….

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[abcowboy]

You reach out for help, but what happens if it’s not there? When we finally accept that we can’t drink and decide that we want to be sober more than we want to drink, we reach out for help. Oh, we might try to white knuckle it, try to go it alone, but that is very rarely successful. This is something very, very few people can do on their own.

So you look around at all the options available, maybe try a few, and keep trying till you think you’ve finally found something that will work for you. Now your journey has begun. You’ve made that first step to ridding yourself of alcohol. My first step was AA, and I remember the first piece of advice I got there, take a card with the phone numbers, you can never have enough phone numbers. Did I do that? Nope, I figured out I was tough enough to get through the week till the next meeting. Did it work? Nope, first time the going got tough I found an excuse to drink. The next meeting, confessed that I had slipped, but took the card with the phone numbers. Did that work? No siree, the next time I felt like I had to have a drink, I didn’t get the card out of my wallet, I headed for the liquor store. I wasn’t about to call a stranger to pour out my troubles to. Then I called my Uncle and talked to him for over an hour. He said I knew what I had to do, I just wouldn’t do it because I wanted to drink more than I wanted to stay sober. He told me to call him anytime, day or night, if I felt that I needed to drink. In the first few months of this quit, I called or texted him on a few occasions, it was all I needed to get me through that crisis.

So you joined MWO, thinking online recovery and support is the thing that’s going to work for you. You read and post, make a bunch of fantastic new friends, and start to understand that getting and staying sober is possible, even for you. You FB friend some of the members, maybe get a few email addresses, or even a few phone numbers. Then the day comes when the crisis hits, you have to have a drink, nothing else will work. So you log on and none of your friends are online, omg, now what??

Well, what about FB Messenger, an email, or a phone call or text? You have options, and if you don’t, you’d better put them in your next plan because maybe someday you’ll try to log on when a crisis hits and MWO won’t be here, or no one will be online right at that time. You have to be prepared for times like that, if you’re not, you’ve just given yourself another excuse to drink. I know, because I was guilty of the same thing. You have to get back-up plans in place in case Plan A doesn’t work, and you have to be willing to use Plan B if that day ever comes, otherwise there’s no sense having a plan at all.

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[abcowboy]

Most of the time I’m pretty confident that this is my final quit, that I’ll never drink again. But I have 3 “issues” that I have to deal with that still make me think it would be worth drinking at. And that is all that I’d be doing, drinking “at” them, using alcohol to calm me instead of prayer or gratitude.

The first issue I have is my ex, the Wicked Witch of the East. Things have been okay with her for the past while, haven’t laid eyes on her for about 6 months and haven’t had to communicate with her for over a year. But she still enters my thoughts from time to time and I feel the anger building so I just say a prayer for her, and let it go…

The second issue is with my brother-in-law, Bubba’s younger brother and only sibling. He’s nothing more than a money mooch and we have helped him financially in the past, but no more. I’m not letting him get my sympathy when he complains that him and his wife are barely making ends meet, yet he had to borrow money from Bubba’s parents because he totalled off the $4000 car that Bubba and I gave him and he wanted to buy something better than the insurance settlement would get him! I find it hard to have respect for a 35 year old man that still needs to run to mommy and daddy every time he’s a few dollars short for the month, when he should just learn some financial responsibility. And I’m quickly losing respect for the people who keep enabling him.

And the third issue is with Bubba’s parents. It just rubbed me the wrong way when they said that the reason you have kids is so that there will be someone to take care of you when you get old. Sure, there will be times when they’ll need extra help and I don’t mind doing that. But when it’s expected that I will drop everything to chauffeur them to all the functions they think they should attend, it gets a little much. And yesterday I had had enough, and let them know it. Today, I feel a bit guilty for it. But I think it’s time that the b-i-l steps up to the plate and helps out a bit as well, do some service for his parents that are always bailing him out. So when Bubba and I got home last night after 7 hours of me having to listen to Ukrainian, she let me know that she wasn’t happy with what I said to her parents. Well too bad, it needed saying…

But the thing is, if I keep leaving these 3 issues get to me, I’m leaving the door open just a hair, and I want it closed tight! I just don’t know what to do, so in the meantime I’ll continue praying for them, and keep repeating the Serenity Prayer for myself, and try to look at the things about them that I should be grateful for.

So no, I’m not perfect, and no, I don’t have all the answers. But one thing is for sure, drinking at my issues will never be the answer!

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[abcowboy]

Amazing how just writing things down will bring some clarity to a situation! No sooner than I did the above post, I thought I need to look at the things I was grateful for yesterday and this came to mind immediately. Had I not been there, I would have never have heard this song, which I just finished purchasing from iTunes and is now on all my devices.

The 6 year old grandson of the couple who were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary got up and sang this for his grandma and grandpa and when he was done, he walked over and gave them both a big hug and kiss! If his voice doesn't change too much, he'll have a future in the entertainment business! Anyway, here is the song he sang..l

[lex]

ab- you have such a good attitude. You are going to make it through sober!!

[abcowboy]

I’m not sure how a person “plans a relapse”? Maybe someone could explain it to me. I understand that a relapse starts long before the first drink is taken, but do you actually plan to sabotage whatever AF time you have built up? I don’t think so, at least it wouldn’t be for me anyway. It would be some outside pressure that became a big enough excuse to drink over, but I certainly wouldn’t plan on drinking.

And when I think about the above, I remember a signature line from a member of SR, “a normal drinker doesn’t have a voice in his head telling him he can stop at one”, he knows he can stop at one. My 3 slips weren’t planned, they happened, and worst of all, I let them happen. And I wasn’t telling myself I could stop at one because I had no intention of doing that.

Bubba asked me this morning if I was thinking about maybe trying to drink again and I told her definitely not. She asked if I ever thought that I would like a drink. I had to think about for a moment, and told her no. But I had to clarify that answer for her. Over the last year and a half there have been a few times that I thought about drinking, but not just have a drink. I wanted to get wasted! And that’s why I’ll never pick up the first drink. Sure there’s been a few times when an ice cold beer would have tasted great, but most times I thought about drinking it was for the sole purpose of getting drunk. There’s nothing normal about that. If I can’t always think in terms of social drinking, I have a problem. If I want to drink to get drunk, I have a problem. If I drink to escape, I have a problem. If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, then it is a duck! No point trying to convince myself otherwise. I am what I am, I’ve accepted that and moved on…..

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