Working toward acceptance

[JackieM]

Hello All-

I have been alcohol free for more than a year. I am really working at being sober and dealing with the issues that caused me to drink.It has been a slow, often painful process.I drank for 20+ years to cover my emotions and sometimes it is overwhelming to feel my feelings. Uncomfortable as this process is at times, I am beyond grateful to still be here to go through it.
My biggest issue right now seems to be acceptance.Not acceptance of my issues but acceptance of things I cannot control. I guess I am at a point in my recovery where I feel like things should be better than they are.I know this is what has led to my relapses in the past. I am determined to work through this and would appreciate any input/advice on getting through this period.
I don't know why I haven't posted before this. I guess I felt the need to work through some things on my own.I also know that when things get uncomfortable I tend to isolate.I am grateful to everyone who has offered support on this forum.Every word that is posted here has meaning.

JackieM

[Eloise]

Hi Jackie.
I think I felt very much the same after a year sober.
It was a little like 'huh,is this my life now?' And taking away the wine did not change what was really going on, it just allowed me to react more rationally. Much like you are doing I think?
I started a mindfulness practice three months ago, mostly to help me improve my yoga breath but it has done much more. It helps me to sit with those uncomfortable moments until they pass, and they do.
Life does change and drinking doesnt make life more bearable, quite the opposite really.

[available]

hi Jackie and congratulations on a year. Like El i thought after a year that life would be great and i would be "normal". It wasnt to be but the second year i grew emotionally so that now two and a half years later i do feel "normal". For me the first year was staying sober and succeeding, the second year was growing emotionally and learning to deal with life as it is. To this day i always say that my quit is the most important aspect of my life as it means i have one. As you said you drank for 20 years as i did. Our bodies need to heal physically (first year) and emotionally (2nd year).

I had a lot of anger towards others and a lot of sadness of what i did to myself and others and shame and guilt but slowly i have let it go. I cant change what i was or what happened to me when i was young. I do realise i can only live for today. I am stronger in myself, i dont suffer fools now and i love who i am. Learning to love myself was the hardest part of this journey, to let go of what was, was so hard and to forgive myself and others.

Its all a process of recovery and it is slow. For me if i overwhelm myself with overthinking then i think 'whats the point of this' but the point is i am one of the lucky ones who has beaten this addiction. i have a life and however long it takes i am prepared to go the hard yards.

keep up the great work, it does get easier. Take note of the oldies on here, they are happy, balanced and if they can be like that then i know that the longer we are sober the better it gets.

[JackieM]

Thanks Eloise and Ava. It is good to know that my feelings are pretty normal for this point in my recovery. I guess I am being impatient instead of letting things happen as they should. I have always been geared toward instant gratification (hence the drinking problem).
It has really been an enlightening experience to actually feel my feelings instead of drowning them in alcohol. For years I was trapped by my shame and guilt over drinking. It was a terrible way to exist. I also learned that I have major codependency issues. Realizing and dealing with those things has led to major breakthroughs for me. I cannot believe it took me so long to figure out what was going on.
While this process has been slow and painful, it has also been exciting to really learn about myself. I spent decades feeling hopeless and trapped and now I can see that I was the one holding myself hostage. It has been very liberating to stop blaming others and take responsibility for my own actions and happiness.
I would like to mention two episodes of The Bubble Hour that have really helped me: Shame Does Not Define Us and Codependency-Detaching With Love. Listening to these podcasts led to major breakthroughs for me.

JackieM

[Eloise]

I get a lot out of the Bubble Hour too Jackie.
Bless those ladies!

Through mindfulness I am learning to not be so hard on myself. To be more forgiving to me as I am to everyone else.
Life is not a competition after all.
Glad we are hanging in there to see what really is on the other side.
It is a lot less scary than I imagined!
I remember when I couldn't picture what it would be like to live without a glass of wine? According to my husband I am just another one who doesn't drink alcohol, no big deal.
Funny because he was also the guy who said 'what? give up entirely ?? WHY?'

[JackieM]

It is crazy how mean we can be to ourselves when we wouldn't even think of doing it to someone else. That negative self talk is a reason we stay rooted in addictive behaviors.

I have had a really hard time forgiving myself for the things I did while drinking. The ugly drunken scenes, the wasted money, and most of all the wasted time. I realize that I cannot change any of those things but I can learn from them. Forgiveness is one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself.

I have been around alcohol a lot lately and I have not been digging the feelings it is giving me. The romantic thoughts of joining the crowd for a beer have been seeping in. I am afraid that those thoughts will always be with me. I have caught myself thinking, "Well, I have worked on a lot of things....maybe just one would be o.k.". I guess I am not comfortable being a non drinker in social settings yet. It is probably social anxiety rearing its ugly head and telling me to have a drink to relax and have fun.

Issues from my childhood still haunt me. I always felt like an outsider due to my upbringing (very religious, not allowed to participate in many things). I think not drinking is giving me feelings of not fitting in, not being part of the group. The fact that I am struggling means there is much more work to be done.

Funny your husband questioned why you would want to quit. I certainly did not have that problem. My husband despised my drinking and I cannot blame him. I was a complete and utter disaster.

JackieM

[NoSugar]

I have had a really hard time forgiving myself for the things I did while drinking. The ugly drunken scenes, the wasted money, and most of all the wasted time. I realize that I cannot change any of those things but I can learn from them. Forgiveness is one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself...
Issues from my childhood still haunt me. I always felt like an outsider due to my upbringing (very religious, not allowed to participate in many things). I think not drinking is giving me feelings of not fitting in, not being part of the group. The fact that I am struggling means there is much more work to be done.

Hi, Jackie
You might find some ideas in this thread that will take you in a different direction about all of this. I've found this understanding to be life-changing. All the best and congratulations on your substantial AF time, NS

[JackieM]

Thanks for the suggested reading NS. I have read bits&pieces of the 3ps thread but really need to sit down and give it my full attention. I think delving into the 3 principles might be just what I need to get me past this wall I feel I have hit.
I have always been one to over analyze, stress and worry. I realize now that I have created my own misery. If I created it, then I can deconstruct it.
Thanks again.

JackieM

[NoSugar]

Hi, again

I've put a couple links in that thread that relate directly to addiction. However, I don't think that direct connection is necessary for a person to understand what is going on and relate it to their own situation whether it be guilt, addiction, fear, intolerance, whatever. It all works the same and at any moment, you can have a new thought that will totally change how you see something. The 3Ps have been enormously helpful to me concerning regrets of the past and fears for the future. They still pop into my mind now and then but it has become so easy not to chase them down the wrestle every last bit of anguish out of them anymore. I'd love it if that thread became active again so please feel free to post any observations or questions :smile:. Take care, NS

[treetops]

Congratulations Jackie on your sobriety and you are well set up now for a healthy and AF future. I have been over three and a half years sober now and like you I had a long history of heavy drinking and AL abuse before that. I found that much of my first year (as Ava says) was recovering physically and instilling new daily habits - it is surprising how those little things can be so linked to drinking. I have also had to work on my emotional feelings - this has waxed and waned in how much it has come into the fore of my thinking or obsessions. Surprisingly not too much - maybe because I have tried to focus a lot on the present and also the future always seems to demand clear decisions. I am very glad I do not have AL in my brain to complicate this. Unlike some people with AL problems, I did not drink to cover emotions and I was always very up-front about my feelings and opinions - but the problem is that AL can heighten emotional and obsessional thinking.
I think 'recovery' and dealing with feelings/thoughts will always be there- but then I also think thats the case with people who dont have an AL problem. I guess we wear a silent 'badge' and it can feel awkward (even to a socially confident person who is comfortable being around people drinking AL) in some social situations. I was at a perfectly nice and formal social event last week and I still felt just a bit odd because I was not partaking of the very good wine on offer. I became over-aware of this I think, and when I stood back I could see that lots of people were not drinking AL. But to be honest they were not the 'stars' at this event - and that kind of rankled a bit. My perceptions with regard to this event were really about my ego and my insecurity - which is still a work in progress. In any case I had to drive and its winter where I live!
Sorry I digressed but I think it can help to see different perspectives and in your case, from those of us who have been AF for some time. So like Ava I feel 'normal' as a sober bunny but I still have doubts, insecurities and some anxiety at times. Often thats because of the stuff happening external to me, like job insecurity and an uncertain future because of other factors. I think my reactions are the same as many others in my situation but I am sure glad that AL is not part of the mix or an easy 'out' for me.
Give yourself more time, dont be too hard on yourself and I firmly believe that you shouldn't dwell too much on the past. If there are consequences of that that are in the here and now and you can do something about this, then well and good, but otherwise deal with yourself and your immediate situation.
PS - like you I also have a partner who came to really hate my drinking - initially it was part of our fun times - but that changed during the course of 20 years. He hardly drinks now and when he does it doesn't upset me.

[SnoopyC]

What a great thread! This journey of being AF takes as long as it takes, lots of introspection and patience. Learning to love ourselves is a lifetime work, and drinking makes it impossible to love ourselves. I have noticed that most/many people just don't drink or have only once drink. To drink to excess is not normal or the norm. Heavy drinkers tend to hang out together, as that is their main focus. Let's focus on a wonderful AF life!

[JackieM]

Thanks for your input TT. I am realizing more&more that many things in life are out of my control. I cannot control things but I can control how I react to them. The discomfort I have felt being around alcohol is just my perception of events. There is no need to dwell on those feelings.

[NoSugar]

Thanks for your input TT. I am realizing more&more that many things in life are out of my control. I cannot control things but I can control how I react to them. The discomfort I have felt being around alcohol is just my perception of events. There is no need to dwell on those feelings.

I agree, JackieM! Those feelings come from a thought you have about what is going on around you. The feelings are what clues you in to what you are thinking! So, if the feeling is bad, it's a signal not to follow that line of thinking - just like if something is too hot to the touch, we know to back off from it. A "bad" thought and its associated feeling isn't something that needs to worry you, just don't focus on it and give it any more importance than any of the many other weird and unhelpful thoughts that most of us have every day. Imagine if we focused on some of the more outrageous thoughts that pop into our heads ! Have a great day, NS

[JackieM]

You are right Snoopy. I need to be patient and let things happen as they will.
I think the self loathing (at least in my case) was partly based on what I thought others thought of me. I went through life constantly feeling "less than" those around me. It was quite a miserable existence. I am glad I now see that I have the power to change my thoughs and perceptions.

Ns-I am beginning to see that by dwelling on the "bad" thoughts I created a "bad" environment in my head. My focusing on the negative caused me massive amounts of worry and anxiety. I still have negative thoughts but I do not have to believe them. Chances are they are not true. If I focused on the outrageous thoughts that pop into my head I would no doubt be in a looney bin!

[YouKayBee]

Hello All-

I have been alcohol free for more than a year. I am really working at being sober and dealing with the issues that caused me to drink.It has been a slow, often painful process.I drank for 20+ years to cover my emotions and sometimes it is overwhelming to feel my feelings. Uncomfortable as this process is at times, I am beyond grateful to still be here to go through it.
My biggest issue right now seems to be acceptance.Not acceptance of my issues but acceptance of things I cannot control. I guess I am at a point in my recovery where I feel like things should be better than they are.I know this is what has led to my relapses in the past. I am determined to work through this and would appreciate any input/advice on getting through this period.
I don't know why I haven't posted before this. I guess I felt the need to work through some things on my own.I also know that when things get uncomfortable I tend to isolate.I am grateful to everyone who has offered support on this forum.Every word that is posted here has meaning.

JackieM

Ooh I get so angry inside, I'm currently working on some of this. I try to remember the serenity prayer and think about the things I can do something about, what is within my power.