Please understand that I write this thread only as a result of my own experience and the experiences of many of my AUD friends. In no way am I any type of authority on this subject; except through my own experiences.
It took me many years and experiences to realize shame, guilt, and fear were the primary drivers of my past alcoholic life. I was raised by parents (and no, I am not totally blaming them) to accept the feelings of shame and guilt, whether I did any wrong or not. Yes, I know, this sounds absurd, but it is true.
In my early years up until I was a teen, my dad was a full fledged, bi-polar, alcoholic. He would verbally abuse us and physically (beltings) abuse us and then explain to us that it was our fault that he did what he did. My brain eventually began to believe and process these remarks as truisms. "I must have done something really wrong or he would not treat me (us-my brothers) like this." Most (many) times we had done nothing or, near nothing, to deserve the treatment that we received.
Fast forward:
I ended up marrying a true angel -my high school friend and love. She was/is a person who could accept and love me through all of my ups and downs and alcoholism. She continuously tried to help me to understand that many of things that I worried about and blamed myself for had nothing really to do with me. Looking back, I now sometimes laugh at myself for the times that I would make myself feel shameful and/or guilty for -for no 'real' reason at all (other than I thought that was the way I thought that I should feel).
Alcohol became a great friend of mine at an early age (11). The great comforter as I refer to it in past tense. With alcohol, I did not 'feel' shame or guilt or fear; instead, I just simply felt ok with me and life -until the alcohol wore off. Alcohol had become my only way to feel shameless, guiltless, and fearless, and may in fact, have saved my life in those early years.
Bottom Line: For me, shame, guilt, and fear -real or imagined, gave rise to my abuse of and addiction to alcohol.
Certainly, I had anxiety all of my life but the anxiety was not primarily genetically driven; instead the anxiety was driven by feelings of shame, guilt, and fear. My depression was the result of these same factors as well. It was only after many years and many painful events that I was finally able to overcome most of these negative feelings about myself.
In my opinion, whatever stage of alcoholism that you are in, it is not too late to change your life. I do believe wholeheartedly that it takes the help of other compassionate people to help you understand that the reasons that you 'feel' you are drinking are not reality.
If this writing helps just one single person then I am grateful. If it does not help anyone, I am still grateful because it at least helped me just to write it out in digital words.
It took me many years and experiences to realize shame, guilt, and fear were the primary drivers of my past alcoholic life. I was raised by parents (and no, I am not totally blaming them) to accept the feelings of shame and guilt, whether I did any wrong or not. Yes, I know, this sounds absurd, but it is true.
In my early years up until I was a teen, my dad was a full fledged, bi-polar, alcoholic. He would verbally abuse us and physically (beltings) abuse us and then explain to us that it was our fault that he did what he did. My brain eventually began to believe and process these remarks as truisms. "I must have done something really wrong or he would not treat me (us-my brothers) like this." Most (many) times we had done nothing or, near nothing, to deserve the treatment that we received.
Fast forward:
I ended up marrying a true angel -my high school friend and love. She was/is a person who could accept and love me through all of my ups and downs and alcoholism. She continuously tried to help me to understand that many of things that I worried about and blamed myself for had nothing really to do with me. Looking back, I now sometimes laugh at myself for the times that I would make myself feel shameful and/or guilty for -for no 'real' reason at all (other than I thought that was the way I thought that I should feel).
Alcohol became a great friend of mine at an early age (11). The great comforter as I refer to it in past tense. With alcohol, I did not 'feel' shame or guilt or fear; instead, I just simply felt ok with me and life -until the alcohol wore off. Alcohol had become my only way to feel shameless, guiltless, and fearless, and may in fact, have saved my life in those early years.
Bottom Line: For me, shame, guilt, and fear -real or imagined, gave rise to my abuse of and addiction to alcohol.
Certainly, I had anxiety all of my life but the anxiety was not primarily genetically driven; instead the anxiety was driven by feelings of shame, guilt, and fear. My depression was the result of these same factors as well. It was only after many years and many painful events that I was finally able to overcome most of these negative feelings about myself.
In my opinion, whatever stage of alcoholism that you are in, it is not too late to change your life. I do believe wholeheartedly that it takes the help of other compassionate people to help you understand that the reasons that you 'feel' you are drinking are not reality.
If this writing helps just one single person then I am grateful. If it does not help anyone, I am still grateful because it at least helped me just to write it out in digital words.
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