Shyness destroying/taking control over my life, help?

[reese_melina]

Hi everybody, I'm new here!

I'm 20/M.

Basically I've had this problem for quite a while but it's been getting worse and worse lately.

I got to a point where I would turn off the chat even on Facebook so people wouldn't text me.

I'm really shy among people I don't know, I open up when I'm around my close friends tho.. or when I'm under heavy alcohol influence.

This is another problem I've been abusing alcohol a lot during the last year to help come over my shyness but I don't think it helps. I mostly drink till I don't remember anything and this is bad cause I feel ashamed the next morning I wake up and always worry about what I did.

But what I really wanna talk about and what really bothers me is my connection with girls. I've never had a real girlfriend only few affairs when I was drunk.
I can't approach girls at all , I mean I can't even say hi to them not even Facebook , not even to girls I know from school or anything.
This gives me a really bad feelings , makes me feel like I'm a loser which I keep repeating to myself , telling myself I've got not chance and I will be alone forever.. It's a vicious cycle I guess.

I don't know how could I overcome this problem.. I'm also over analyzing every situation, most likely creating problems which are wasn't there before, making my situation worse and worse by doing this.

Probably there's more but I can't think of anything at the moment, will reply later if anything comes to my mind.

Thanks

[Rusty]

Welcome, Reese! So glad to see you here. Have you tried seeing a therapist about your shyness? It sounds like you could benefit from it. Bravo to you for seeing you have a problem with alcohol at such an early age. You have your whole life ahead of you. Pop over to The Newbies Nest and say hello, and you will be warmly greeted. Keep us posted, please. :-)

[Byrdlady]

There are two great links in my signature line, the Newbie's Nest and the Tool Box.
Believe it or not, I am shy also, and I'm in sales! I also used AL to 'loosen up' and 'be myself'. Trouble was, there are some of us who are wired differently and develop a dependence. Try as I might, I could never seem to go back to the days of 'just a couple'.

Rusty makes a good point in that a therapist can teach you the skills needed to overcome such social anxiety. I've always been shy but much of that came from a lack of confidence. I thought AL helped it but in hindsight, it really just made it worse. Hop on over to the Newbie's Nest and we'll help you with the AL bit! I'm almost 6 years sober and I did it right here on MWO and the nest. We are so glad you found us. You will get your legs! Byrdie

[lex]

That's why many of us ended up here. A lot of the anxiety and confusion as to whether alcohol is the problem or the solution to it.

Remember, as the foremost authority on on the natural history (progression) of alcoholism has related (and I paraphrase):

1. "Alcohol is the antithesis [i.e., the opposite] of a tranquilizer."

2. "The foremost difference between those who stay sober and those who do not stay sober is this:

-Those who stay sober perceive alcohol as increasing their anxiety [which is true]; whereas

-Those who do not stay sober perceive alcohol as decreasing their anxiety" [which is false]

Whether it is hard for you to quit or not, many of us here will agree with me that it is worth it. You will feel much calmer within weeks or months, at the most. Good luck and keep trying! A sober day is good, a sober month is good, sober time is always a good thing.

[lex]

Your biggest problem here is that you are 20.

Here is some hope: In my experience, one tried and true cure for social anxiety is to let yourself get older (which is not hard to do).

If you are still in your teens or twenties, social anxiety can be devastating (as I myself know), but it is nonetheless common because it is evolutionarily adaptive to experience social anxiety.

In other words, don't bother to feel very special because you have it. Many feel it, even though some, for whatever reason, do not. Indeed, at the other end of the anxiety scale are the psychopaths/sociopaths, many of whom altogether lack the experience of [social] anxiety, to their great detriment.

As you hit your thirties and forties, it is likely to subside on its own, as its evolutionary purpose (to keep you from doing and saying things that alienate you from the protective "group"), greatly diminishes.

In your fifties and sixties, there is really no longer any evolutionary purpose for social anxiety, so for most of its formerly-devasted victims it becomes a quaint and distant memory.

So hang in there!

PS- My hope in writing this is that by knowing social anxiety is bound to subside regardless of what you do, you can start to take it a little less seriously- an approach that will, itself, tend to make it subside

[Wilson1]

LEX -this is a great response post.

[Wilson1]

Hi Reese-
Wow, glad to see you here and posting. I do hope that you revisit.
Lex made some very true and good points in his post.
As for me Reese, I am an Introvert to some degree. I used to be so shy, I could not even talk to myself. Alcohol came into my life and I thought I had this shyness thing whipped. I, much like yourself, was so ashamed the next day, for the things that I said/did and could not remember and for the things that I could remember.

It was only in my later years that I was taught and understood that most people are only thinking about themselves and how they appear to others, and that I was probably way down on the list of what they were thinking about -if I were even on the their list at all. LOL -but very true. When I heard the quote "Your opinion of me is none of my business", I began to start understanding. Last thought; the girls will come around to you -shy or not. Just hang in there, see a therapist, and remember most all people are only thinking about themselves at any given point in time -not you (or me).

[aihfl]

Maybe it's the kind of day I'm having or maybe it's because I used to see posts like this all the time on bluelight.org made by boys who were complaining about the fact that everyone around them was getting action and they weren't, but whatever the case, I'm just going to be blunt. You're not going to solve this issue sitting alone in front of a computer. Go join a meetup group. Or a support group or some sort of group therapy. Nothing is going to get better by isolating yourself.

[Eloise]

Yeah, this is not going to go away on it's own Reese. Waiting 20 years to feel better is not a practical solution either, nor one you problem want to hear.
I am sorry you are suffering Reese, it is not nice for you. We are all individuals and special in our own unique ways. You are special too. Your happiness matters. I do not think there is one simple solution, but lots of possible avenues for you to explore to enrich your quality of life.
It is very good that you are recognising the problem, are thinking about your drinking and behavioural patterns, and want to make improvements. I am sure the more time you spend on this you will find a way to move forward. It is going to some work. A support group is a good start if therapy seems out of reach just now. You might also start to explore meditation as you can do it from the safety of your own home.
It has done me a world of good. PM me if you might like to do some reading on the topic.