Former colleague's memorial service

[aihfl]

I'm getting pressure from several former colleagues to attend a memorial service for another recently-deceased colleague. I don't want to go for two reasons:

1. I (understandably) became a pariah for my drug and alcohol abuse on the job. Now that I have moved on professionally and have something resembling stability in my life, I don't want to see these people, many of whom I didn't even like in the first place.

2. When I lost my job due to my drug and alcohol use, this colleague unfriended and blocked me on Facebook. Now I know this sounds absurd on the surface, to let social media politics and bickering get under my skin, but I don't want to show up and act like this person was a great friend and that her passing in any way matters to me (I apologize if that sounds callous, but it doesn't).

I still have under a year of sobriety. Right now, I'm inclined to think that going might jeopardize my sobriety. Or do I need to just suck it up and go in the interests of being socially responsible?

[abcowboy]

You do what's best for you aih, it doesn't matter what other people think...

[Byrdlady]

Im not an AA'r in any way, but they have a saying that I happen to agree with. 'To thine own self be true'. If the risk outweighs the benefits, don't do it. Listen to your gut.
There is my 2 cents for ya. Byrdie

[mario]

If you don't feel comfortable going aihfi , don't go, How you feel is the priority here.maybe at a later stage you can come to forgive those who most likely don't understand this world of addiction we are trapped in, Untill then do what's best for you.

[available]

Protect your quit, if you dont feel comfortable going then dont go.

[Sunbeam]

Funerals and memorial services are for the living. You are alive and doing well. Do what will enable your good status to continue. Definitely don't go to try to make someone happy, that rarely works.

[Lost Soul]

Hi,

Often we are expected to do the 'socially acceptable' thing to maintain the status quo & keep everyone feeling comfortable. However on this occasion I tend to agree with others & think this is definitely a time to put yourself first. I'm sure you have worked very hard to achieve what you have staying AF & it's unlikely your former colleagues could appreciate this.Do what you need to stay safe. LS

[aihfl]

Thank you for your input everyone. I think it's best not to go. My IOP therapist used to say, "cars can have a mind of their own." And I know how relapse can happen without even thinking about it - that's how my last binge back in March started. I can very easily see myself pulling into a liquor store or bar parking lot and washing down a handful of Ativan (the only drug I have access to anymore, besides alcohol) with a stiff drink before I even have time to think about it. I think I'm going to look out for me and not go. And thank you for helping me see I don't need to explain myself to anyone.

[Wilson1]

Alfi, the only real question is who will it help if you attend the memorial? More importantly, who will it hurt?

I am sorry that you are even having to experience this negative experience.

Your friend,
Wilson1

[NoraC]

Just saw this. I would continue to distance myself from these people. Definitely not attend. You got so much great advice here. You are doing awesome. :heartbeat:

[Guitarista]

You could always just send some flowers or a card and job done. Or not. I don't reckon other folk will be too fussed ultimately. Looks like you made a good decision from over here. G