Advice on spouses reactions please?

[madonmehndi]

Hi,

I would really like opinions on my situation please as I am really struggling to deal with my emotions at the moment.

My husband seemed to be really pleased with my progress since quitting, in fact he bought me flowers and a lovely card when I was a month sober, however, the past week he has been really quiet, withdrawn and unaffectionate with me, I asked him a number of times what the matter was but he just brushed me off, he joined Al Anon forum a couple of days ago and I was compelled to read a couple of his posts on there ( I know I shouldn't have but glad I did as I found his true feelings) He posted that things were so hard for him whilst I was drinking, that he felt like he was always the supportive on and that I am a very negative person, also that he didn't know whether he still loves me or if he is just staying so he can see our son grow up, I have confronted him about it and he said that he is just really confused and needs time to come to terms with the fact it is going to take me a long time to recover and that he is scared in case I relapse, also that he wonders whether the person he married is the real me or if there is another me that he doesn't even know - I told him I don't have a clue who I am anymore but that I am trying my best to be a better person and we have both said we want to try and make it work ( we have been together 14 years and married for 10) He also said that what he wants for me is for me to stay sober at any cost and that I must concentrate on myself.

The thing is I am completely devastated about it all and terrified that he doesn't really love me anymore, I feel so hopeless now, I had such high hopes for myself since I have been doing so well in my sobriety but now I feel worthless and that there is just no point in it if my marriage is over :cry:

[available]

Madon, when we stop drinking life doesnt automatically get better. It takes time for everyone to heal and for others to trust that you wont drink. My children were always on edge that i would take that one drink. why would they believe me when i said i would not drink when for ten years all i did was drink.

Your hubs sounds scared and that is okay, he can see the change in you and he likes it although he is petrified you will drink again and he does not want to be hurt so he is putting up barriers. We do it also with our emotional roller coaster in sobriety but just take each day as it comes. show him you love him by not drinking.

I had to prove to everyone that i could and would not drink and now after 3 years they have not a worry in the world. If you read about relapse as your hubs probably has, he is worried that you wont completely stop so is protecting himself.

Life will turn out as it wants, we can only do and make the best of it. You are doing your best to make your life better, focus on that.

[satz123]

As Ava says - it is self-preservation - he is on tenterhooks that if he does anything you will drink again. I have experience of that with my son and it is not a good place to be.
You have to win his trust back. It will come in time when he realises you are serious about your sobriety.
Don't do it to yourself and this man who does love you

[Nursie]

Oh Dear Madonna, sometimes our enablers have no sense of identity when we stop. I've stopped many times and things always got rough instead of better. Like the world was supposed to give me a standing ovation or something lol.
He loves you. He just has to navigate these new waters and learn to do that together with you!