Ok so I am ready to be 'mostly' sober

[doveagain]

THIS IS A BIG MOVE FOR ME AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO THINK. I think that being mostly sober will make me want to be always sober but I am so fearful of saying I will be always sober. I have had a few weeks at a time, sometimes back to back, of soberness in 2016 and they have been so great! But drinking is also so great! Until the maybe once a month that is so fucking depression inducing that I hate myself. But is this once a month worth it???!!!! AAAAAAGGGGGHHHHHHH. How did you make this decision? I am a binge/blackout drinker and have decided that I am so scared to leave drinking that I will give myself my one 'weekend' night a week to get shitfaced....Tuesday bc my only day off is Weds.... here is my thinking....bc if I don't drink Tues., by Thurs. I am gonna be so craving that I will go into an every night alcohol spiral chasing the thing that I didn't get Tues. and fuck up every day at work other than Thurs. Anyone else think like this? Any thoughts that can help? I understand the 'you really need to want the quit' and I guess I am just not ready to go there. So fearful of going there.

[doveagain]

Oh and I don't care if you are openly honest with me, as some may see as dick-ish, bc I know that I am fooling myself but just so scared to let go. How did you get over this? I have to go away from the forum now bc this is a bit too honest. Just tell me how the fuck you got over the fear of being sober. Please.

[Matthew6]

You will eventually hit your bottom and quit, or die. That's alcoholism. It is suicide on an installment plan.

[wagmor]

Dove - I appreciate your honesty about where you're at and what you're thinking. I have a few thoughts to offer as a first reply.

I would venture an educated guess that many or most of the folks on here have thought or felt many of the things you wrote about - being afraid of being sober, trying to negotiate a plan for moderation or controlled indulgence, etc. I can only speak for myself, and I will tell you honestly that none of the plans I tried that were similar to yours ever worked. Ever. Maybe they worked for a few weeks or even a few months, but eventually the plans failed - I failed - often spectacularly and sometimes with negative consequence. I can also say I've read a lot of people's stories here on MWO, and I've never read of anyone else having a plan like yours that worked for very long.

Having said all of that, I would ask you these questions (not to answer me but to mull over for yourself):

1. What are you afraid of? What do you envision when you think of being sober forever? I don't ask that to challenge you at all, or to suggest there's nothing to be afraid of - I'm more just trying to understand your particular fears around this.

2. You said that being sober was great, but also that drinking is "so great." Is drinking to blackout/passing out really great? Be honest. Maybe for you, it is truly great. I know for me, the lies and false memories of drinking seem great, but the realities and actualities of drinking were negative enough that it affected my life, my work, my relationships.

You asked how we got past the fear of being sober. For me, I got to the point where I was far more afraid of what would likely happen if I continued to drink. That was my starting point. Then, as I learned how to navigate life sober, I discovered that there was so much richness there, so much I'd been missing. I gradually reached a point where I now fiercely protect my quit because I'm afraid of losing all of the good that I've gained. Doesn't mean I don't sometimes think about drinking or that I'm never tempted - I have worked hard and developed tools and skills to help me get past those temptations.

I will say one last thing: I have regretted drinking (or drinking too much) more times than I can possibly count. But I have never ever regretted NOT drinking.

[madonmehndi]

Dove

I understand your sentiments completely, I felt EXACTLY the same, I have spent my life drinking to excess, drinking to get drunk and to blackout levels, I thought I could moderate and tried and failed at least a million times before I hit my rock bottom which was my husband telling me he couldn't cope with watching me slowly kill myself anymore and that he had many times thought about giving me an ultimatum - putting our marriage certificate on one side of the table and a bottle of wine on the other - and you know the scary thing? If he had done that, I would have had a hard time choosing!!!

I feel very sad admitting that but that is the hold that alcohol HAD over me, I would have chosen a worthless cheap bottle of liquid over a living, breathing human being who loves me, THAT is what alcohol had done to me and what it will do to you if you carry on, please don't wait for your rock bottom, it truly is NOT worth it, do some AL quizzes (just google) to get some idea of the scale of your addiction and then act upon what you discover - whether it is counseling, medication or group therapy ( I have tried counselling and currently attending AA) but do SOMETHING because what you have written says to me that you do have a problem with AL.

It is a very scary thought not drinking ever again ( I loved the taste, feeling and effects of AL) but you know what, the thought that it is a progressive disease is even scarier (watch Rain in my heart documentary on you tube) and my life so far without it (60 days today) is so much better, I feel happier and more positive (despite some problems I am having to deal with) once the fog of AL is lifted from you, you will be able to think more clearly.

Sorry for the long waffle, hope you can make sense of it Good Luck!

[available]

Dove, welcome and hello

Some great responses and all as honest as it can get.

For me i didnt want to stop drinking but the blackouts were getting so bad and the wine i was consuming was not a great deal before i blacked out. of course i kept drinking and failed to remember a thing. Sores that would not heal, anxiety that was becoming horrendous, guilt, shame, remorse and i hated myself. I didnt want to die but i certainly didnt want to lose my best friend that kept me company each and every night. I didnt feel i had anyone else that cared except a bottle. I knew everything was suffering in my life and i really didnt give a fuck if i died to be honest. BUT i have children who i love beyond the universe and i knew they would care if i died, they loved me unconditionally.

Petrified is a word i would use to describe how i felt about stopping al but it was better than going to a dr and admitting that this strong person who i showed to the world was a scared drunk who stopped functioning at 5.15pm each and everyday and tried to function at 5.30am the next.

I reached out to people on this site and asked for help, a few times before i knew that i still could not drink without overdoing it, i could not moderate at all and therefore i had to just not drink for the day i was living in. I never envisaged NEVER but that changes as time goes on. Now i never want to drink, i realise there are no benefits to drinking, the fun i thought was fun was bullshit glossed over with al and now i am a grownup. That person i so never wanted to be is what i am and its ok. I love my sober life, i love the memories, i love being there for my family, i enjoy participating fully in a conversation and remembering it all. I can watch a tv show or movie and remember the whole lot, i can deal with stress without hitting the bottle and i look and feel so much better and i love me for me.

I think you need to give yourself a chance to enjoy life without al. My main worry was i would be as bored as hell and what do people do who dont drink for gods sakes! Funnily enough i can do nothing which pretty much summed my drinking life up or sober i can do what i want and it doesnt hurt to do it!

I hope you make the right decision but at the end of the day you have nothing to lose except al and so much to gain.

[Lost Soul]

Hi dove, I think it's sounds like you are at a turning poing & think it's good to ask advice to make up your own mind as to whether you would like to continue trying to moderate or abstain from alcohol.

I think it's a personal choice & for me I tried moderation whilst seeing an addictions counsellor over 10 years ago and failed so I must aim for total abstinence. Anything less for me is the alcoholism talking and is a very dangerous path to take. I feel the need to attempt moderation was helpful at the time because it helped me come to terms with the harsh reality that I could not drink & was in a better place to work on acceptance of this & focus on recovery.
Unfortunately I am in very early days after a 20 month relapse but during that relapse I know the part of me that struggles with alcoholism tried to regulate my drinking to make it manageable & safe but the outcome was very much the same.

This thread has quite useful thoughts on moderation https://www.mywayout.org/community/lo...oderation.html

And pinched this from it, I think it highlights the dangers & difficulties of moderation for problem drinkers, and my worry with attempting moderation is that the time spent cannot be taken back & when trying to moderate it may be difficult to judge whether you are honestly achieving your goal as our strong desire to drink may cloud our judgement to do this.
Taken from the mod board:
"... with any learned behavior it increases in frequency with rewards and decreases with punishment. People stop performing any given behavior when there is no longer an incentive to continue. However this extinction will not take place when the given behavior is positively reinforced occasionally. So, the challenge for occasional drinkers is the fact that they will always have the craving for drinking. If they quit drinking completely the craving would disappear over time but they continue the cycle of craving by allowing themselves to drink from time to time so the battle will always be there for them.

When they are moderating according to their goals and getting that occasional positive reinforcement (the taste of the wine or alcohol they love) the warm buzz, the relaxed, mellow feeling it all seems worthwhile. But when they fail and wake up the next day with the old feelings of hangover, remorse etc…then the question remains…is it worth the battle for those times a moderator drinks according to their moderation goals/plans?"

It is a frightening idea to not drink & not have that support that AL provides. I know im finding the struggle hard at times but benefit greatly from the the support on MWOF & know it is definately worth the fight.
Sending you positive thoughts & hoping you feel better soon
LS

[Byrdlady]

Fear of the future and regret of the past are the twin thieves of today. Those words have stuck with me, not sure where I read them. I was scared to death to THINK of a life without AL, it was inconcievable. I started out a binge drinker, too. Then the days between my binges became fewer and fewer until it was a daily thing. This took place over the course of years.
I was saying in the Newbie's Nest (a great place to get sober, link in my signature line below) that MWO is like being able to see your past, present and future. There are 10 years of information on this site....you can pick out anyone and see how his/her path turned out. I have been here for 7 years and I can tell you how 99.9% of them played out. The ones who kicked AL out of their lives for GOOD are thriving. The ones who keep fighting it continue to struggle, and their drinking progressively gets worse. Yes, it's as simple and as complicated as that. If we look at reality, haven't you already tried to moderate and couldn't? Yep, me too. But when I got to this site and saw that it was actually 'a thing' I thought maybe I hadn't given it my best shot! There are rules so maybe I should try that! I found MWO early in 2010 and I spent all of that year trying to moderate. I never drank harder than I did that year. There at the end, my hubs DID give me an ultimatum: a 24 year happy marriage or AL. Like Madon said, it was a HARD and scary decision. I chose LIFE. This is not a bad habit, it is addiction and all the will power in the world cannot over come it. There is only one way I know of to beat this cycle....and it doesn't include our ole pal AL.
When you consider that AL'ism is a progressive disease, whatever your relationship with it is today is as good as it's ever going to get. I say 'as good', because it will get worse. I fought the FEAR of quitting for 25 years and what did that cost me? 25 years. There was NO fun associated with AL anymore, I needed it to get back to zero.
If we face the hard questions, the answer is right in front of us. Normal drinkers to not FEAR not drinking.
How did we face a life without AL? One day at a time. It sounds stupid, I know, but you can trust us on this one....it's the same as eating an elephant, you do it one bite at a time. I let FEAR keep me from living. I let FEAR dictate my nights and weekends and eventually most of my days. What I should have feared is NOT stopping. I tell you, the reality of stopping isn't nearly as bad as the THOUGHT of it.
Give us 30 days and see if you can't tell a huge change for the better! We will be right by your side and every single one of us were as afraid as you are now. Me made deals with the devil for FAR too long and wasted WAY to much time fighting a losing battle. There IS life after AL, and it is spectacular!!
All the best, Byrdie

[kronkcarr]

doveagain,

I felt scared like you. I'd been in AA years before and tried other methods. I decided to try baclofen and to moderate my drinking. Here's my experience: https://www.mywayout.org/community/me...-new-here.html

What I found is that I was wasting a lot of my time drinking. Baclofen took away my anxiety and desire to drink. Plus I did a lot of looking at myself. Then I got hobbies and other interests that were more important. It's been over 4 years and just once did I get drunk and I hated it and won't repeat it. I'm no longer on baclofen and doing well.

Good luck.

[abcowboy]

Not much I can add to what's already been said doveagain, except that I really wish you well on your attempt to moderate. I hear that some people are able to do it, we like to call them "normal drinkers". I have yet to meet any alcoholic that was able to successfully moderate and not end up with GSR over a binge. But I do wish you well. There is a section here for those wanting moderation, it's not very busy, and you can read around the rest of the threads, I have a feeling you'll change your mind on how great drinking is...

[NoSugar]

Give us 30 days and see if you can't tell a huge change for the better!

Byrdie's got a good idea here, Dove. It is almost impossible to make a rationale decision about drinking while we're actively alcoholically drinking! It doesn't feel as scary to commit to not drinking for 30 days as it does to commit to forever. And 30 days is enough time for healing to begin and for you to be more able to more clearly evaluate what is going on.

After I'd done my 30 days and found that I absolutely embraced the idea of never having to drink again (what FREEDOM!), I heard of another "30 day challenge": You must have exactly one standard serving of your favorite alcoholic beverage every day at the time of day you usually have your first drink. And then you're done for the day. No skipping a day and no having more than one.

Most of us find that completely ridiculous :egad: and can't imagine doing it. Abstaining entirely for 30 days sound MUCH easier. But either one would give you some information about yourself and your relationship with alcohol.

All the best to you. I hope you stick around and get the support that most of us seem to need to get this done. -NS

[Pavati]

I had read somewhere that 90 days was a key to getting the problem drinking out of the way. I had done several 30 day stints without the help here, and thought that I would do 90 days and also participate here. Of course, I didn't tell anyone here that my plan was for 90 days and then "moderation." I didn't want anyone to tell me the truth or make me face my drinking. I joined here and participated (though not fully), and after about three weeks something came up that I absolutely HAD to have alcohol to get through. I stopped posting, started drinking. But all of the reading I had done here somehow sunk into my brain. I knew I had friends here, and I actually deep down knew the truth - I couldn't avoid the truth - I needed to quit drinking. When I came back for good - just over three years ago - I was greeted by great people and given lots of support, but I know I needed some in-person support as well, so I saw a counselor for several months, too. When I finally admitted to myself, my husband and my counselor that I actually couldn't drink again, it was actually a relief. Then instead of playing "should I or shouldn't I," "how many," "which days," "beer, wine or spirits," with myself, I could just focus on finding ways to get through certain parts of my life not drinking.

I, too, was afraid. I was afraid I would lose my friends, most of whom I considered drinking buddies. I was afraid parties and social gatherings would be awkward. I was afraid that people would find out and think I was a deranged weakling. But I was also afraid of continuing to drink. I was afraid of losing my life that I loved - my husband, my job, etc.

Now, I realize that fear of quitting was SO overblown. My life has improved in ways I never even thought possible - it turns out alcohol was affecting much more of my life than I thought.

I understand those who advocate for a 30 day sober stint - it seems so much more doable than forever. However, for me, I needed to shift my thinking about alcohol. 30 days was easy enough, but I was always looking to when I could drink again instead of thinking about how I could manage life in all ways without alcohol.

Posting here and hearing everyone's stories - that were in many ways so similar to mine - was one way to get over the fear. I also listened to the Bubble Hour podcast - another "me, too" feeling. And I talked a lot with my husband and counselor about my drinking and what I thought it did or didn't do for me.

Now the fear is replaced with extreme gratitude. As wise people here have said, you will never wake up regretting NOT drinking.

Pav

[treetops]

There are lots of testimonies here on why moderation doesn't work for addictive and problem drinkers. Dove, I don't see your plan as even being one of moderation. You state that you aim to get shit-faced once a week. That's not even moderation to me. It's compulsive binge drinking to dangerous and stupid levels. That's not 'mostly' sober just as there as there is the cliche that one can't be sort of pregnant.
Why not take up the suggestion to see how you go with 30 days sober? Use all the support you can with us here and also in your real world.
Let us know how you are doing today and what your thoughts are.

[doveagain]

Thanks for all of your advice. I really don't know what I am afraid of. No one in my life would be anything but happy for me to be healthier and happier...I guess except for me.
I feel I want to say that I will strive for the 30 days but also feel that I am just going to let you all down....you know, 'if you're going to fail, why start?'

[Sunbeam]

Dove, you would be letting yourself down, not us. Our lives would go one the same either way.

It took me a few years to quit after joining here. I mostly posted with the moderate drinkers group during that time, and was successful with drinking less, for awhile. I read posts all over the boards. My drinking very gradually crept back up on me. One day I looked at my bottles in the recycle bin, and decided I was really done.

My life is definitely better without alcohol. It isn't particularly hard to quit once you are really ready. It's getting ready, gathering the strength and resolve, that is hard. The support and experience here is priceless. The toolbox is a great well of ideas that have worked for others.