This is my problem...

[doveagain]

So I didn't drink last night and couldn't sleep until about 3 am. Not that you get good sleep drunk but at least I get some! Kept waking up either freezing or sweating. I think I have been fighting a cold for a while and people where I work have had the flu. So now I want to just go buy wine after work to feel better. I found my self lying in bed this morning just wanting to stay there forever if I don't have wine to look forward to at the end of the day. Stupid but I thought it. I know, I know...'distract yourself', 'get good non alcoholic drinks' (this also means I will be in a store with booze though since all stores have it), 'get yummy food' (also store with booze and I don't think I can be trusted). I have no one to go shop for me. I just want to feel better right now!!!! Help, please.
Thanks, Dove

[Jkm123]

What I've been doing is eating a frosty or milkshake on the way home, or even a burger. I know what you mean about having nothing to look forward to after work im the same way. As for sleep, for five days or so after stopping i can't sleep so i take benadryl. How much were you up to avg a day?

[treetops]

Hi Dove. You are describing the cycle so many of us have faced. Poor sleep and the looking forward to the end if the day and buying some booze. We know how hard it is to break that cycle but it won't really solve things.
You see you actually are looking at this as one day at a time. Except it's drinking one day at a time. You need to switch this to not drinking one day at a time.
When I finally quit I put myself in 'recovery' although I was actually in a high pressured job at the same time. So what if I had a hot bath straight after work, got into my pyjamas and watched DVDs. I allowed myself to be a bit slothful and I took it easy. I also taught myself small new habits. Some sort of structure is necessary.
I had to shop for my family and it was impossible to avoid booze. Think of these as bottles of poison or bleach. Don't dwell on the advertisements or displays. And think of the money you will save. Go straight to the Icecream freezer (if that's your choice) and break out there. Eat healthy food but don't worry about weight etc just yet. Buy comfort food. Most of all post, vent, rant on MWO. By the way which country do you live in?

[doveagain]

I live in the US. I have been drinking 6-12 drinks 3-5 days a week for the past year. Rarely less than 6, usually by 8-10 I am passing out. Wine or beer...and of course I love the beers that are high in alcohol content. Can't leave an open bottle of wine open so if I finish one and open another, I will finish it. Some nights I can drink and drink and drink and it is like I am never drunk until the very end, I actually get hyper and go on cleaning rampages around the house until I get to the blackout stage and pass out. People who are with me say it's like I am fine and then I fall off a cliff. Often times these nights I wake up with very little hangover. Other nights I am obviously drunk and slurring after only three drinks....but keep drinking, usually to blackout and pass out. These nights are when my hangovers are the worst. Neither of these scenarios depend on the type of alcohol I drink. Each one can happen with the same type of wine/beer (same brewery/winery). I know all of this means I should stop but another part of my brain says 'fuck it, who cares, just go get some damn wine!'.

[Jkm123]

The sweating is part of alcohol withdrawal, shakes, headache, inability to sleep all part of withdrawal. Your addiction brain is always going to tell you to say that because your addiction wants to get drunk so it needs you to give it some al. Have you ever tried to quit before? Why are you try to now? How did you find mwo?

[doveagain]

Ok I am going to leave work early and get some to go food from somewhere and see if I can just sleep. The Benadryl is a good idea. Thanks. I have never tried to quit in the sense of never drinking again. I have quit for months at a time for jobs that don't allow free time and a couple weeks here and there for other events. It just seems when I don't have a reason not to drink, I do. I guess I just feel my drinking habits are not normal for a 40 year old. I shouldn't be blacking out and being hungover at work. My life has changed a lot in the past two years...divorce, trying to keep everything together myself, and I am lonely. I have tried to find groups to join but either they are too expensive or I don't fit in and only feel awkward. I have never had trouble making friends before but am now isolated geographically from cities with single people my age and so opportunities are not there. Alcohol is my release from all the stress/turns everything in my brain off.

[SoCali]

Oh my goodness Dove - you sound SO MUCH like me for the past 5 years!!! My friends would say the EXACT same thing when I would drink - I seemed as FINE as fine could be, then just one or two more sips and it was like I'd been injected with Everclear, straight into my VEINS as I would be shnockered, almost instantly. And of course, I never remembered anything once that happened. Like you, I could NEVER leave an open bottle of wine in the fridge (or if I did, it was because I had drank 3 glasses of wine at dinner, then popped open a bottle of wine when I got home and passed out before I could finish it...). I'd never know in the morning "what" I was going to find as far as empty bottles, half glasses of wine, etc because I would literally drink to the "passing out" stage. That was the ONLY way I could get sleep! When I stopped drinking, 38 days ago, for the first week I barely slept at all (the first NIGHT, I literally did not sleep one WINK! Not even one WINK!!!). It was hell and I was pissed and exhausted. What I did was started taking Advil PM so I could at least get some damn rest. It's crazy the similarities between us too because like you, when I'd get "pleasantly tipsy" when I was at home, I'd be a cleaning, rearranging, reorganizing maniac (of course, while I continued to drink...) and then, I'd apparently hit a WALL and pass out, often time "mid-chore" and I'd wake up hours later to go downstairs and find all of the lights on, the TV blaring and whatever "project" I was working on sitting there half done. I have realized, when it comes to alcohol, I don't HAVE an "off" switch. Once I get started, I am constantly thinking about "the next glass of wine" or thinking "shit - I only have half a bottle of chardonnay left - I better get to the store to get another before I'm too tipsy to drive". For me, the crappiest thing about this whole damn thing is that I LOVE the "nicely tipsy" stage! You know, one or two glasses of wine and that beautiful little "buzz" that makes me feel like everything is PERFECT and AMAZING in the world. EXCEPT!!! I absolutely, without a doubt, can NOT stop at that stage. I have tried to moderate many times, I have quit drinking for several months at a time and decided I'd "just drink socially and NEVER have wine in my house" and that I'd "only have two drinks and then switch to water" and that "I'll only drink on weekends" and that "I'll never EVER drink alone". EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THOSE "deals" I made with myself were nothing but bullshit because just as soon as I took those first few sips of wine, the "justification" stupidity started. "Well, I have a party this weekend so I'll just go to the market THIS time and get a bottle of wine for home and then I'll start next week". And the list went on...and on...and ON with my making deals with myself that I absolutely could not keep. All that led to was a vicious cycle of self loathing, self hatred, my thinking I'm nothing but a weak effing LOSER who has no control over ANYTHING and I'd just continue to spiral. This forum was honest to goodness the ONLY thing that kept me going during those first few weeks. And, I do NOT mean to upset or offend ANYONE here, but it really did help me to read, read, READ other peoples posts to see that while my problem was definitely a real problem, so many other people have it much harder, and much more "severe" than I did so it made me feel like "hells bells - if these folks can do this, sure as shit I can too!". Has it been a cake walk? Hell no! And, when I'm around people who are drinking, while I'm "fine", I do find myself longing to join them, and it takes a lot of self talk to keep me away from the wine.

As for shopping and the store, I make my grocery list, have a plan of my "route" in the store and I swear to GOD, I act like I have freaking BLINDERS on when I'm passing the alcohol aisles. I'll have my headphones on with some jammin' tunes that I can sing along to in my head just to keep my mind off of the hundreds of bottles of WINE that are staring at me...HA! ) Just go in with a set plan, race through the store like you're late for something important and get your ass OUT. For me, it also helps to buy something REALLY yummy and decadent that I can treat myself to when I get home. I have NEVER been a "sweets" eater but now, I can't get enough - Reese's Peanut Butter Cups, Butterfinger Bars, SeaSalt Caramel ice cream, Nutter Butter cookies, See's Candies - holy CRAP! Can't get enough sweets now (and, unlike many people I have NOT lost weight since quitting! GRRRRR...).

Anyway, come back here, post often and these amazing peeps here will help you, I promise! There is NO WAY I would be where I am were it not for this MWO forum, I kid you not...

Hang in there! I'm in the US too (So Cal) so I am close to your time zone, wherever you may be here. )

[doveagain]

Yes, SoCali the 'don't drink too much before going to the store for more or I will be miserable when I run out', is a nightly thing for me on drinking nights. I got some food and am home now. Thanks for all your help everyone.

[Jkm123]

Hey Dove, post when you get home if you can. There is someone here most of the time. No matter what happens keep coming back here to post. You can do this. Work a puzzle, read a book, take a bath, watch a super intense movie the go to bed and before you know it, it will be day three!

[madonmehndi]

Dove, I relate so much to your story, I was a finisher with wine too, one or two bottles a night to blackout status - really not good, I also drank because of loneliness in the last couple of years, we moved to a new area and I lost a couple of old friends because they couldn't be bothered with the distance thing and where I live (out on moorland) means I can't go for nights out anyway. When I first quit I would go for a long bubble bath and read a book after I got my son to bed and then have an early night - sometimes as early as 8.30 just so I wasn't sitting in my usual chair watching crap tv and wishing i had a glass in my hand! Changing routines is very important in the early days - sending you sober vibes - you can do this!

So Cali - I always love your posts you cheer me up!

[southshoregirl]

The insomnia is probably from alcohol withdrawal, so hopefully you will start sleeping better soon. It's definitely hard to figure out what to do with your time if you are not drinking. In my opinion, in your first few days/weeks of being sober, it helps to keep it simple. I have gotten sober a few times, it helps me to make a list of the absolutely necessary things I have to do for the day (work, buy food, get gas, etc) and stick to doing those things. The rest of the time I try to watch TV or listen to music. For me, after a couple weeks, I start feeling a lot better physically, and then I try to start doing more (exercise, visit friends, etc). Hope this helps.

[Matthew6]

I found that I had to break my routine of getting off work, going to store and drinking, so I found that finding an AA meeting after work every day was effective. Strange how many like minded problem drinkers you will find there . No cost, regularly scheduled, effective if you work it program. Try multiple meetings they are all different. Also returned to hobbies that I had stopped due to my drinking. It really is amazing how much time and effort that I had put into my drinking career. Put your quit 1st, it's worth it.

[Marylou123]

Hi All - just a quick note on sleep - or lack thereof! I, likewise, used to drink myself to oblivion so I could sleep. And when I quit drinking nearly three years ago, I tried several different OTC (and Rx) remedies. But what's worked for me (and some others here as well) is Liquid Vitamin D. My doctor recommended it and it does help. I've also accepted that I just don't sleep a solid eight. So, I get up when I wake up - even if it's pre-crack of dawn. Fortunately my newspaper arrives by 4:30. Ok...off to bed.

[Jkm123]

Dove just saw you post in role call day 3... yay you, you made it! Congrats

[treetops]

That's great Dove. How are you doing today?