Six and a half years later ~ A long time coming

[Tabbers (a.k.a. KTAB)]

Re: Six and a half years later ~ A long time coming

Duplicated post.

[catch22]

Re: Six and a half years later ~ A long time coming

Wow Ktab how are you doing today.? Your thread is very powerful,
I don't count my years any more i just keep it in the day or in the moment.
When I first got sober it was not easy but I was worth it. It was a inside job for me me which went deep to the root, it like a onion peeling of layers of the skin. Some are hard layers and some are easy.
I can tell by your post how much you want this.
My first year I cryed a lot not sure why but my emotions was all over the place,it was like I was grieving for the alcohol, I stuck myself on the AA THREAD was a very powerful thread. Also I go AA.
I had to go to talking therapy for 4 months in January there was a lot of stress in my life I was advised to go on a career break because I was hitting for a breakdown people could not see it but on the inside I was breaking down,It good to be back and share.
I hope you are well we are all in the same boat weather we are sober or not because we can related to so much how the mind, body, and the spirituality works inside us.
I hope your day is good one.

X catch22 X

[Mr Vervill]

Re: Six and a half years later ~ A long time coming

Powerful stuff, KTAB, Thanks.

[mollyka]

Re: Six and a half years later ~ A long time coming

Super Tabbers -- and no matter how many times similar sentiments are expressed around here - each and every time there is a new slant on it - or a re-fresh of my brain - why we always need the reminders of why we must never for a second think that that first drink is a good idea.. thank you x

[paulywogg]

Re: Six and a half years later ~ A long time coming

Absolutely brilliant Tabbers! Those lost days,the imposter me,etc all words I've said and thought to myself-thank you

[Tabbers (a.k.a. KTAB)]

Re: Six and a half years later ~ A long time coming

Thank you for your kind words and continued support folks. I always just try to speak from the heart, being 100% honest about how I am feeling at that particular point on my journey. It means a lot to me that my words may be of some small help to other travellers on the same path. We can overcome this hurdle if we want it badly enough, of that I am certain.

[NoraC]

Re: Six and a half years later ~ A long time coming

Ktab - Thank you. Another one that I save in my private journal.

I wrote this on the Stepper's thread on Friday. But, I am telling you here. You are special to me. :heartbeat:

Ktab - another special person to me but he probably doesn't realize it because I never told him. osteroops:

From KTAB -

Letting go.

Acceptance and denial seem to me to be key elements of moving on. How many of us have truly 100% accepted our alcoholism and let go of the niggling doubt that maybe somehow someday the clock could magically be turned back to a time when we were 'normal'?

As I see it, it is very simple, we have two choices, accept our problem, make the life changing changes necessary or continue to skirt the real issue. I have been clean now for a little while but a couple of weeks ago the friday night feeling hit and the thoughts of how nice a beer or two would be in the local and the cravings of course started. Two beers would have been nice and I am pretty sure I could have stopped at two but it would just have awoken the beast in me again and I would drink again the next day. Maybe its only me but food is somewhat similar, when I get in the mood for say a pizza or an indian meal and dont have it that night, the thought will sit there semi dormant but I will end up eating that food at some time over the next couple of days. I wonder if this is indicative of how the craving and reward centers of my brain are programmed.
Anyway I digress, I didnt drink on the friday but of course the thoughts werent far away and on saturday afternoon I was in the supermarket and found myself in front of the mountain of wine bottles, I picked one up and put it back down, I had allowed the thought to come to me 'hey about a bottle of wine to have with dinner?' I ran with it and then it came the 'maybe you should get two just in case' Then it hit me like a sledge hammer who was I kidding, this addiction wasnt going to go away, the alkie thinking was still there, the lying, the hiding the sneaky drinks were only a breath away. I stopped and bought a bottle of coke.

So I got to thinking about this, was there some part of me still clinging onto the idea that I can drink again? Obviously there is. So what do I do about it? I am back to the two choices, either I accept this or I dont. I believe it is very hard for us to accept that this is our life now and I think that is why so many here keep failing time after time, because they dont give it over totally, I am probably one of the biggest offenders.

If there is a big grey animal in the room with a tusk and a trunk it can only be an elephant. If I am still here posting on an alkie forum after nearly three years looking to help my problem drinking then I am an alcoholic, so if I am born 4 foot 6 with a one ear, green eyes and a big conk I cant change that can I? no more than I can change the fact of my alcoholism either but I can accept the fact. Ok, thats sorted, so without being over dramatic I can stop drinking or I can continue which would undoubtably take years off of my life and result in the quality of the years I have left a hollow shell of what they could be.

After true acceptance comes a sense of relief, a sense of peace and the first step on the path to gratitude for finding however we did the true escape and the right to lead a full and proper life without the ball and chain of AL chaffing the skin on our ankles.
Letting go sounds good to me, how about you?

[catch22]

Re: Six and a half years later ~ A long time coming

This is a powerful post many times, that thought has come into my head and it is always the first drink that does the damage.
We must always hold on to that gratitude.
And acceptance is hard to admit.....my name is Maria and am a alcoholic that was very hard to say that face to face in front of people . That was my first step of acceprance.
X catch22 X

[Tabbers (a.k.a. KTAB)]

Re: Six and a half years later ~ A long time coming

Ktab - Thank you. Another one that I save in my private journal.

I wrote this on the Stepper's thread on Friday. But, I am telling you here. You are special to me. :heartbeat:

Shucks, I am blushing here Nora, thank you kindly, you are special too you do know that? Anyone who comes here and puts in the hard work to reclaim their lives is a hero in my book.

I do remember that post, it still rings true for me today even though I wrote is some years back....then some time after I went back to daily drinking. It just goes to prove how difficult I find this despite my very best intentions and desire to stop the madness. But you know what, only one person can put in the hard work, focus and effort to change their lives, only I can pick up that first drink or not.

[catch22]

Re: Six and a half years later ~ A long time coming

KTAB, Keep strong there are some days that can be hard, and when you feel like that you need to get on here let people know how you feel so mwo people can support you through this. Also phone someone to get yourself out of self , ( if that makes sense) it does help to listen to another voice on the other end.or if you go to meeting is a great help.
This is only a suggest, that I was told. I hope it helps

Xcatch22X

[catch22]

Re: Six and a half years later ~ A long time coming

KTAB, Keep strong there are some days that can be hard, and when you feel like that you need to get on here let people know how you feel so mwo people can support you through this. Also phone someone to get yourself out of self , ( if that makes sense) it does help to listen to another voice on the other end.or if you go to meeting is a great help.
This is only a suggestions that I was told. I hope it helps, or what works for you. Also there is a really old post when I first started 2007, I think it was bear by or Mr bear, when I was struggling. his passed away now but it was good advise if I can find it i will post it to you.

Xcatch22X

[Tabbers (a.k.a. KTAB)]

Re: Six and a half years later ~ A long time coming

Hi Catch, thanks for your support and suggestions. I am sorry if I gave the impression that I was struggling, I have been a bit in the past but that couldn't be further away from where I am feeling right now.

[catch22]

Re: Six and a half years later ~ A long time coming

That good to hear, you have a very powerful thread here and we'll express, and it good to hear your doing well. I manage to find the post but it was by MDBIKER, the thing was I didnt know how to copy and paste on my tablet . So am so glad your not struggle.

Xcatch22X

[Tabbers (a.k.a. KTAB)]

Re: Six and a half years later ~ A long time coming

Week 46

"By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail".
~ Benjamin Franklin


Well haven't the weeks flown by already it is November and the Christmas period is on the horizon. I think this is special time of year for everyone but even more so those of us newly sober. Here in Ireland the amount of drinking done, by what appears to be to me, almost everyone over the Christmas period is staggering. It encompasses every social interaction from the office party, to the meet up with old friends in the pub and of course the family get togethers. From the glass of mulled wine offered with a smile outdoors to keep out the cold, to the aperitif before dinner, to stimulate the appetite apparently, and the glasses of wine that must accompany every meal lest the taste experience is somewhat diminished. The image of friends wrapped up well against the cold coming into the rustic pub to meet in front of the big log fire with a glass in hand is an evocative one, one of happy days gone by, ones without the horrors of alcohol addiction attached. Oh how easy it would be to fall into this trap, this way of viewing Christmas through rose tinted specs, for isn't that the way it will be portrayed on all the tv adverts for the next 6 weeks?
For us it is different and oh how we may be left to feel different, in some way inferior, for we have failed to control ourselves from gluttony when it comes to alcohol and now like naughty children we must be made sit on the naughty step without, while watching others enjoying their fill.
This will be my first Christmas 'without' and I think it might be easy to fall into this feeling of being left out, feeling deprived of some part of the shared experience with those I care about. And so 'be prepared' well how do we prepare for what is coming, sure I am happy in my sobriety, it fits me like a glove now and I never ever want to go back to those dark days of self destruction but I have a feeling this will be severely tested over the Christmas period. Then again is it any different from the first birthday 'newly sober', the first wedding 'newly sober', the first holiday 'newly sober', yes it is probably is going to be a little harder but I have done all of these things this year and doing them next year I won't be 'newly sober' I will be ME. So I won't head into Christmas and allow myself to be ambushed by those thoughts, I truly know where my personal truth lays and I am comfortable in that. Be careful out there friends and don't every lose sight of what is ultimately most important to us, our sobriety for without it everything else is thrown into the mire again.


“Turn your face toward the sun and the shadows will fall behind you.”
~Māori Proverb

Thanks for reading, take care.
KTAB

[JackieClaire]

Re: Six and a half years later ~ A long time coming

Always read but rarely comment, Tabbers.........but this caught my eye

This will be my first Christmas 'without'

.............rather than think of without ........think of with...............with sobriety, with a clear head, with real laughter, with well rested sleep and clear memories. You can't wrap that and put a bow on it but its the best gift you can give yourself...........priceless.

Tbh I'm rather excited for you.