Six and a half years later ~ A long time coming

[Lost Soul]

Hi tabbers,
I really enjoy reading your updates & progress, thanks for sharing your AF journey with us x
Take care
LS

[SKendall]

Sounding good, KTAB.

[Tabbers (a.k.a. KTAB)]

Week 5

Hi folks, so into week 5 I head, still sober, still feeling good about this choice that I have made, not that it really was a choice, more an inevitability that finally dawned on me. Stop abusing or face the dire consequences of a life not lived and of most probably shortened by some years. I know that may read as over dramatic to some who haven't yet seen or maybe accepted what is really going on in their relationship with AL when it goes beyond a certain point, there is a good possibility that you are probably beyond that point if you are here on this site.
It scares me to think what the decades of drinking has done to my mind and body. Just because we can't see it doesn't mean it isn't happening. I can however see what has done to my spirit, I was unhappy for so long with what I was doing to myself yet I couldn't/wouldn't stop (delete as applicable).
And so onto today, I see not drinking as a positive in my life, instead of seeing it as 'why can't I?' I see it as 'why would I want to?'
I was asked on another thread how bad was I with my drinking? I want to put this down here in writing so I can read back because the day will come when I somehow figure that I am 'cured' or ok to have 'one', sure I can safely moderate my drinking, I was sober for xxxx days. NOT THE CASE.
In my last year I estimate I had less than 7 days when AL didn't pass my lips. Nearly all of this was done at home, alone where the bar never shut. Important to always make sure I had way more than I could drink in the house at any given time though, just in case. I would average 1-2 bottles of wine or the equivalent per night. Start as soon as I got in from work with a glass at dinner and continue till I could no longer keep my eyes open. I have passed out, woken up, opened another bottle for a glass or two then gone to bed. At the weekends I would start around lunch time and probably consume twice that amount.
When I went out drinking it really wasn't pretty. I estimate on 8 out 10 occasions I would have no recollection of coming home. Or even leaving the pub most times. I did end up in some horrible and embarrassing situations as I am sure any of you could relate to, so I don't feel the need to go into them at this stage. But I never got arrested, crashed a car or got into a fight or assaulted, but that is through sheer good luck, I am amazed none or all of the above has ever happened. Not sure if this makes me a 'better' or 'worse' drunk than other people here but you know what it is completely irrelevant, this isn't a pissing contest. I am an alcoholic and I need to never forget that, not even for a split second.
This is something I have to live with and so be it, but it doesn't define us as people, nor should it. Thanks for reading.

[satz123]

Great to see you Tabbs keeping this 'journal' :hug:

This is my favourite bit today :

And so onto today, I see not drinking as a positive in my life, instead of seeing it as 'why can't I?' I see it as 'why would I want to?'

[Tabbers (a.k.a. KTAB)]

Thanks, yeah mine too Satz :thumbsup:

[actiongirl46]

Hi Tabbers - I'm on Day 8 even though I've been here well over a year starting and stopping. Mainly starting and continuing, not a lot of stopping.

Your story is very helpful to me, thank you so much for sharing it here.

[Tabbers (a.k.a. KTAB)]

Hello Actiongirl thanks, I like your choice of user name, well done on 8 days. You have overcome to my mind what is the hardest part, making that decision and getting through the first few days. You can do this too if you want it badly enough and that is key I think.

[mario]

If I may say what an inspiring read in a sad & to often repeated life story here, Well done senior Ktab.

[abcowboy]

By golly Tabbers, me thinks you've got it this time! Reading your journal tells me that you've accepted.... and it's a nice feeling to have eh!

[lex]

Remember this from above:

This is a GOOD thing ....... enjoy not pouring poison into your body and "committing slow suicide".
Don't think of it as a battle - think of it as FREEDOM at last

So true! Freedom from the anxiety, the self-centeredness and preoccupation and isolation ... how sweet it is!

[j-vo]

Thanks for sharing this. Your post really hits home as I can relate to so much of it. Keep taking it one day at a time as I will, too.

[Lost Soul]

Hi Tabbers,
I really look forward to reading your updates, your explanation of how feeling your choice of sobriety as a positive 'why would I drink' rather than feeling deprivation of 'why can't I drink' is so absolutely where the truth lies in recovery. Indeed as you explain more so than how we relate to the 'wino on the street' or idea of our drinking being 'that bad'.

This is something I have to live with and so be it, but it doesn't define us as people, nor should it.

Thanks Tabbers xx

[Tabbers (a.k.a. KTAB)]

Week 6:

Hello folks, thanks to you all for your kind words of support and advice. It means a lot to know people are reading my posts and can relate to what I am going through on this personal journey. While I use the word 'personal' I think many of us can see parallels in each others experiences with AL, what has been stolen from us and the pain caused, there are many things we have shared.
It gives me great encouragement and hope for the future when I see people with years, even decades of sobriety under their belts. What makes it even better is the fact many keep coming back to MWO to post of their experiences and offer sage advice and support. Most importantly they are real living proof that yes we can do this, we can claim our lives back. I imagine giving back is a vital part of recovery and yes I imagine it does feel good to help but I wonder if they truly realise how much of a difference they are actually making, for if it were only us newly sober or people that haven't gotten that far yet then imo there would be no forum to speak of and that would be a tremendous loss. I for one just wanted to say thank you to them for there are so many who come here, some get sober, some never will but most just disappear and for all sorts of reasons. I hope one day to be a contributor here too.
Well it has been another good week over all for me, I am still keeping busy and trying to grow slowly as a person but a couple of things have happened which gave me quite a pause for thought. Firstly I was invited out by my brother and a good friend to the pub. I did give some thought before accepting for I hadn't had reason to share my news with them yet and was a little apprehensive about both telling them and of course my being in the company of AL again. I needn't have worried for it was fine on both counts. The AL or not having it didn't bother me in the slightest and they both told me how healthy I was looking and they knew I was looking after myself before I even told them my news. I got encouragement and a genuine 'well done' from both guys, with that encouragement I left the pub feeling very good. Fast forward two days and I was watching a travel show about one of my very favorite destinations and DW and I both commented how lovely it would be to plan a short break there again soon. The presenter was then in a restaurant and ordered a bottle of wine that is unique to the region and it hit me like a sledgehammer. I knew instantly that if I were sitting there, in his shoes that very day, I would have drank it. It was the strength of feeling that completely shocked me for I have been coasting along full of the joys of spring, for I almost have this in the bag don't I? Not by a long shot and when I regained my composure I realized this was a blessing in disguise, an early wake up call if you will. Needless to say no trips are being planned for the near future.
I suppose in ten years time this could still awaken feelings in me but nothing more than a flutter I am hoping, either way it is a lesson learned, a reminder to never get complacent for these feelings/cravings will always be there somewhere buried, hopefully very deeply.
Thanks for reading.

[actiongirl46]

Thanks for this Tabbers, you are a wonderful writer. I, too, am SO GRATEFUL for the inspiration our fellow MWO friends bring me every day. Especially when they tell me it my life will be so much better. And it is already.

Yes, we are walking on the edge of a cliff but there are many here who've got us secured in, unless we choose to cut the rope. For today, I'm hanging on tight.

Have a great week 6!! Rock on - AG

[mario]

Well done ktab, It gives me great pleasure in reading your progress , keep it going & sharing your journey.