Six and a half years later ~ A long time coming

[Lost Soul]

Hi Tabbers,
Super post & amen to the fine MWOF folk :happy2: Though I always considered you one of them already x So pleased to hear your brother & friend were so supportive of your choice to become AF, it can be very helpful to have people in RL like that x
Take care
LS

[NoraC]

KTAB - you don't know this but I have followed you and adored you for years. And I am so happy for you. :hug:
I know exactly what you mean about you knew you would have drank the wine. I had a couple of times where I took antabuse just to make sure that I couldn't slip up! Ended up that it wasn't an issue but that was my safety belt.
But, you are so right that after a period of time, it does go down to a flutter. Hubby & I went to a restaurant yesterday where I overindulged at many a champagne brunch. Not because it was good champagne but because it was endless. :sad: We had a good meal and it wasn't an issue.

[Tabbers (a.k.a. KTAB)]

Thanks folks for taking the time to comment and offer words of encouragement for me on this journey, you are very kind. Nora I am blushing here.

[Tabbers (a.k.a. KTAB)]

Week seven:

So the weeks are starting to add up but to be honest I am not counting days, it just seems I might be tempting fate on a daily basis. I would love to mark my progress in much larger units so maybe that is what I will do. Not ignoring the fact that at times it will be ODAT and I may be happy just to get a singe hour still sober. Failing to be prepared is preparing to fail.


acceptance |akˈseptəns|
noun
1 the action of consenting to receive or undertake something offered.


Indeed 'something offered' that describes well what has happened here, I have offered myself another way, another option and have grabbed it with both hands and it feels so damn good.
Yesterday I met with my very best friend of decades for a long walk followed by lunch. We don't see each other as often as we used to as we live a bit away but still keep in touch regularly. I had told him of my 'dry January' and of it going so well that I was doing a 'dry February' but no more. I don't think this initial omission of the full extent of what I am doing was in order to hide it merely just that I hadn't gotten around to 'come out fully' as it were. So yesterday we had a long chat about everything and again the support was there 100%. What surprised me was how candid I was in my explanation of the strength of my convictions, not the reasons why for they would be well know to my friend but the explanation of how this change in my life has actually changed my life in such a positive way. I hadn't necessarily intended to be so but the words kept coming. So I am thinking this morning that another step has maybe been passed. It is all very well to type out words here, for words are cheap, and to think we mean them and perhaps we do at the time but acceptance, true acceptance, deep in our psyche is different. When we know it we know it.

Thanks for reading.

[satz123]

When we know it we know it.

And so say all of us !! :applause:

[Lost Soul]

but acceptance, true acceptance, deep in our psyche is different. When we know it we know it.

...when you stop searching. Because you realise you are already home :heartbeat:

Thank you tabbers x

[Tabbers (a.k.a. KTAB)]

Re: Six and a half years later ~ A long time coming

Week 8

Wow week 8, I actually had to go back and check the number and that makes me happy. So everything has been going really well this week, no major incidents, bad cravings or feelings that I am being deprived of something and I am keeping busy and focused. I was thinking back earlier about my daily drinking which went on for years and it dawned on me that the situations I had maneuvered myself into in order to drink had become a habit and just like any habit we need to change our behavior in order to break it. An example would be when we used to go to do the weekly big food shop and 4 bottles of wine ended up in the trolly, now we go in the morning before the drink section is open. A simple, small step and it seems obvious when we think about it but these little changes all add up to make it easier on ourselves. Another example would be a night out with DW. Last Sat night when we went into Dublin for show, now normally we would get there early and I prop up the bar for an hour or two while DW didn't drink AL. This time we went out for a meal before instead and I was happy with my mineral water and green tea. After the meal we got a taxi to the venue and after passing by the hoards of people queueing at the bars we took our seats which were quite high up (all I could get). We were a bit early which meant I got a good view of all the people climbing the stairs, most with drinks, a lot with at least a couple each. Did I feel a tinge of oh poor me why cant I. Errr not a jot, and I am being 100% honest. I leaned over and said to DW that normally I would have had a bottle of wine or most of it at the restaurant followed by a rush to the venue, at least a couple of skulked back pints and then a couple to take to my seat. Probably would have missed the beginning, not remembered a lot of the show and a fair chance I would have gone for a refill mid show. That is what I used to do. Almost certainly I would have struggled to remember the end of the night if questioned the next day, going home probably would have been a blackout as soon as the night air hit me. Instead of which, I saw and enjoyed all of the show and then drove a tired DW home.
Obviously our relationship has improved since I finally saw the light and I am now seeing clearly what I put poor long suffering DW through over the years and for that I am truly sorry. I always drove to a venue, wouldn't leave till I couldn't get anymore drink and she always drove me home, many times long after she wished to leave. We have recently had a long talk about enabling an alcoholic. Now I used never be violent or abusive when drunk but used to think I was a happy drunk and I was but I was the only one happy.
Seeing theses past actions, indiscretions and pure unadulterated selfishness in a new light or maybe even actually seeing them for what they were for the first time is really not pleasant but nothing compared to what it was to those on the receiving end. Making peace with our past, making amends and letting go of our regrets is part of moving forward and vital in order to heal in my opinion.
But how things can change, I can't think of a single thing that AL would have contributed to our night out, not one.
My only regret is I didn't accept this fact years ago, but I have now and I can't tell you how happy this makes me, I am feel like a totally different person and long may it last.
Thanks for reading.

[satz123]

Re: Six and a half years later ~ A long time coming

Truly wonderful reading Tabberooney :hug:

( and DW for sainthood ! ) :haha:

[mario]

Re: Six and a half years later ~ A long time coming

Well done Ktab. As I have met you numerous times before in person, its great seeing you find your way out of the mess we were in. keep up the great work & great way of writing & expressing your self here.

[Lost Soul]

Re: Six and a half years later ~ A long time coming

Always a pleasure to read your updates Tabbers & thankyou for your heartfelt honesty x
LS

[Tabbers (a.k.a. KTAB)]

Re: Six and a half years later ~ A long time coming

Week 9

A fairly uneventful week for me all in, with one exception, and thats just how I like it theses days, no drama, nothing really to upset the status quo I chose to build. I am doing my last mindfulness/meditation class this week but have signed up to continue. I find the practices very helpful in teaching me to be aware of myself, my surroundings and just being here exactly in the moment. Being kind to myself, 'befriending oneself’ as the teacher calls it. Very useful for someone who has chosen to ignore absolutely everything going on inside and hiding from life by falling into a bottle at the least provocation/excuse. It feels good to be here, at I suppose what I would call an awakening, for thats what sobriety feels like to me after decades of abuse.
My yoga classes continue for another 8 weeks, I think it is and it is something I can definitely see becoming a life long interest. The type I am learning is called Satyananda yoga and is a practice that focuses on the physical body, energy practices, concentration and meditation practices. This holistic system recognises that we are made up of body, mind, emotions, energy and spirit. I honestly couldn’t recommend it highly enough if you feel that you are at that point in your life. It isn’t something I could ever do if drinking as it seems to me to run contrary to abusing oneself with AL, hiding from emotions and feelings, never actually checking in with ourselves on a deeper level, my alocholism and my yoga practice seem almost polar opposites in my head.
So given all this I was surprised to get quite a craving when I watching a program the other day on tv. The presenter was in a pub in Dublin I have frequented on occasion and ordered a pint of Guinness. When it came on screen I could actually feel myself beginning to salivate and that felt so strange to be happening but of course so familiar. Given as I has been out and in the company of friends in a pub setting a couple of times recently and with not even a hint of craving, that reaction by my body or was it my mind, was very unsettling. But it just goes to show how baffling this disease is and we can never ever get complacent and assume we are ‘cured’ or we can let our guard down completely, for much as I wish it were untrue, that is just an impossibilty. Have a good week folks and thanks for reading.

[Neo]

Re: Six and a half years later ~ A long time coming

I was a 10+ cans/day beer drinker and I never liked Guinness but that could be a good thing. If you do want to quit, the only thing you can drink is Guinness, It would sober people up quite quickly

[Tabbers (a.k.a. KTAB)]

Re: Six and a half years later ~ A long time coming

:thumbsup:

[Tabbers (a.k.a. KTAB)]

Re: Six and a half years later ~ A long time coming

osteroops:

[Lost Soul]

Re: Six and a half years later ~ A long time coming

I really appreciated reading your last post and definately agree :happy2: though I also agree that this is perhaps not the place! Wishing you continued success Tabbers x