Six and a half years later ~ A long time coming

[Lost Soul]

Re: Six and a half years later ~ A long time coming

Hi Tabbers,
Sorry you had a tougher week. I really think when you have a more difficult time & get through it like you have - I see it as a overall positive as think it can give you more confidence that you can manage through next time :happy2:

Did you mention you had a bro & friend in RL that know everything? I know when I have self doubt & forget to 'love myself' like I should. Taking time to see my friends who know 'all my shit' & love me & believe in me even when I forget really helps x

Take care
LS

[NoraC]

Re: Six and a half years later ~ A long time coming

Ktab - sorry about your "off" week. I had a bad period right around this same time as you are now. And you described the feeling so well. I had to be very vigilant because it was getting too easy to think 'why not?'. Be sure to take care of you - do something relaxing for you. The walk sounds wonderful.
This truly has been a journey of self discovery for me. I am so glad that I am on this path. It is so worth it. :hug:

[Tabbers (a.k.a. KTAB)]

Re: Six and a half years later ~ A long time coming

Week 12

So after my last week I have been thinking an awful lot about this journey we are on and I wonder how many of us wander through life on auto pilot, not seeing very much that clearly and allowing our habitual behaviours to dictate what we actually do with ourselves for a large part of the day. For we humans are creatures of habit. I know I drank everyday and I wonder how much of this started out as a habit that eventually lead to my addiction? Breaking that habit can be done but the addiction will remain. It is not easy but turning off this auto pilot is paramount in my opinion.
I suppose for me making theses changes and stopping the self poisoning was initially a lightbulb moment of realisation that it wasn’t about alcohol, it was and is about ME. The self awareness that I have the power inside of me to map out how I want to spend me remaining years on this earth is a powerful thought. But if only it were that simple, no it is not but it can be much harder than it need be if we don’t work at it.

Since the start of the year it has been like I have been walking in a sun filled wildflower meadow this past couple of months, then last week I turned a corner and walked into a dark forest, the storm clouds gathered, visibility worsened and I could no longer see exactly where I was putting my feet. The surface was loose with stones and roots protruding, their purpose it seemed was to trip me up if I didn’t concentrate hard and watch my step.
I stumbled but didn’t fall and then regained my composure, opened my eyes wide to the situation and carefully put one foot in front of the other. Now I can clearly see the sun ahead through the thinning tree trunks. I look forward to walking in the sun again.
For so many years I have been walking along through meadow, shoreline and forest but I have been on auto pilot for so long now it then when my eyes finally opened in that meadow it was amazing, the sun was so bright and I was so happy but I sort of forgot about the dark forest till I stumbled upon it. So for me it is one foot in front of the other, slowly and with my eyes fully open to what might trip me up, my self awareness turned up to high. Occasionally I will need to reach out so as not to stumble and that my friends is where MWO and you folks come in and for that I will be forever thankful.

Take care and thanks for reading.

[mario]

Re: Six and a half years later ~ A long time coming

Very deep Senior ktab but can relate to you totally , One step one day at a time will put you right.

And as was done to me I shall to the best of my ability do the same...

“There is no exercise better for the heart than reaching down and lifting people up.”
― John Holmes

[actiongirl46]

Re: Six and a half years later ~ A long time coming

Beautiful KTAB! Thank you, this is going into my electronic journal.

[Tabbers (a.k.a. KTAB)]

Re: Six and a half years later ~ A long time coming

Week 12 & 3/4 (A.K.A day 90)

So day 90 has arrived and I think that is probably worth marking. It is no exaggeration to say my life has changed in so many ways in such a short space of time by my decision to change one simple thing, my decision or more accurately my acceptance that this couldn't continue, that it was out of control.
Forgive me a reflective indulgence but I was thinking back to a time over 3 decades ago when I was a young man and started going out with friends and socialising with a beer. Having a drink or not having one wasn't something that I even thought about, there was no consideration to be had for it was like having a cup of tea, there was no addiction. Fast forward 20 years to find a sad withdrawn depressed addict who couldn't stop even for a single day. A man who was so bogged down in this mire he honestly didn't think it would ever change. Looking back at the young man of 20 brings happiness and sadness for I wonder if he reached anywhere near his true potential hindered by the ball and chain of addiction which took him so long to see and even longer to learn it truly didn't have to be this way. But looking back is full of pointless regrets, just as pointless as looking forward and thinking oh I can never drink again. The truth is I can never safely drink AL and that is fine with me for it is one of a long list of things I can't/won't do, my climbing Mt. Everest for instance. But the list of things I can do is growing with every day of new found sobriety, self belief and confidence. Life is good, immeasurably better, even after only 90 days and there is no way I am ever going to let that demon back in, whatever it takes.
Thanks for reading, be kind to yourself.

[mario]

Re: Six and a half years later ~ A long time coming

As I said before senior ktab its a pleasure reading your success & don't mind bout not climbing Mt Everest as in my eyes your climbing higher, well done .

[satz123]

Re: Six and a half years later ~ A long time coming

As I said before senior ktab its a pleasure reading your success & don't mind bout not climbing Mt Everest as in my eyes your climbing higher, well done .

Lovely simple thoughts Mario :hug:

Tabbers - you are an inspiration for me to pass to young Satz. :hug:
I have to believe the 'penny' drops for everyone at some stage and hopefully before too much damage has ben done.

[NoSugar]

Re: Six and a half years later ~ A long time coming

Looking back at the young man of 20 brings happiness and sadness for I wonder if he reached anywhere near his true potential hindered by the ball and chain of addiction which took him so long to see and even longer to learn it truly didn't have to be this way. But looking back is full of pointless regrets, just as pointless as looking forward and thinking oh I can never drink again.

For quite a long time after I quit I was drowning in my regrets, kTab, to the point that it was holding me back. One MWO friend who helped me enormously, FallenAngel, told me that she appreciated the experience because it was part of who she became. At that point she had been AF for 6 or 7 years. At first, I totally dismissed her as crazy/too long AF to remember what life had been like/etc.

But I'm beginning to agree with her now. Maybe in a couple more years I will even be able to say I was glad I'd gone through addiction. I'm not there yet but I am able to see that while there were losses, there have been many gains from the experience that I might have missed if I'd not had it. I like the person I am now much more than the me who became addicted - the me who was primed to crave the escape that alcohol offered.

You've written that you've gained so much from meditation and yoga. Would the 20-year old you even have considered such practices?

Addiction shredded my ego - that hurt but from that very low place I became open to people and ideas I'd never given any thought to (or actively dismissed) and became much more forgiving and less judgmental. And best of all, life continues to open up now that I'm not so tightly wound and busy protecting that desperate ego. I read somewhere about recovery not being a circle taking you back to the guy you were before you became addicted, but a spiral - forever going up and out.

I wish your thread were a sticky on MWO - it is a testament to the power of addiction and to our ultimate power to overcome it.

All the best, NS

[Lost Soul]

Re: Six and a half years later ~ A long time coming

Congratulations on 90 days :hug:
Hopefully in 20 years you will also glance back onto today :heartbeat:
It is your precipice that changed you (and all your loved ones) & you will be glad of it because when you find it, it might get battered a bit but you never ever lose it. Even the bad/sad times don't break it, they enrich it x
And you have no idea how many others you bring along too :heartbeat:

As always,
Thankyou & privileged - I gratefully follow you to tomorrow
Tabbers

[satz123]

Re: Six and a half years later ~ A long time coming

For quite a long time after I quit I was drowning in my regrets, kTab, to the point that it was holding me back. One MWO friend who helped me enormously, FallenAngel, told me that she appreciated the experience because it was part of who she became. At that point she had been AF for 6 or 7 years. At first, I totally dismissed her as crazy/too long AF to remember what life had been like/etc.

But I'm beginning to agree with her now. Maybe in a couple more years I will even be able to say I was glad I'd gone through addiction. I'm not there yet but I am able to see that while there were losses, there have been many gains from the experience that I might have missed if I'd not had it. I like the person I am now much more than the me who became addicted - the me who was primed to crave the escape that alcohol offered.

You've written that you've gained so much from meditation and yoga. Would the 20-year old you even have considered such practices?

Addiction shredded my ego - that hurt but from that very low place I became open to people and ideas I'd never given any thought to (or actively dismissed) and became much more forgiving and less judgmental. And best of all, life continues to open up now that I'm not so tightly wound and busy protecting that desperate ego. I read somewhere about recovery not being a circle taking you back to the guy you were before you became addicted, but a spiral - forever going up and out.

I wish your thread were a sticky on MWO - it is a testament to the power of addiction and to our ultimate power to overcome it.

All the best, NS

Oh NS I LOVE reading your posts :hug:
You talk such sense - and all drawn from your experience of getting sober and remaining here on MWO to help both yourself and others.
Your experience is not from a group or councellor ...... but educating yourself about this addiction and being so generous of spirit to share what you've learned.
You, now Tabbs showing MWO does work

[Guitarista]

Re: Six and a half years later ~ A long time coming

Congratulations kT! Keep it going buddy.

[Pie]

Re: Six and a half years later ~ A long time coming

Nice milestone, Ktab! The list of things that I can do now, is growing too. I like your observation.

[Tabbers (a.k.a. KTAB)]

Re: Six and a half years later ~ A long time coming

Week 14.

'Although we have been made to believe that if we let go we will end up with nothing, life itself reveals again and again the opposite: that letting go is the path to real freedom.
Just as when the waves lash at the shore, the rocks suffer no damage but are sculpted and eroded into beautiful shapes, so our characters can be molded and our rough edges worn smooth by changes. Through weathering changes, we can learn how to develop a gentle but unshakable composure. Our confidence in ourselves grows, and becomes so much greater that goodness and compassion begin naturally to radiate out from us and bring joy to others.
That goodness is what survives death, a fundamental goodness that is in each and every one of us. The whole of our life is a teaching of how to uncover that strong goodness, and a training toward realizing it'.

- Sogyal Rinpoche

Life does feel good right now, I am learning that sobriety suits me just fine..

[abcowboy]

Life does feel good right now, I am learning that sobriety suits me just fine..

I think this was a big point in my recovery Tabbers, the point when I realized that I was okay with being a non-drinker. It makes it so much easier to say "no thanks, I don't drink".