Advice if you will please

[Nelso]

I have a friend that has reached out to me for help with quitting AL. The problem is, that there seems to be some family issues that are causing the need to drink.

My first normal reaction would be to get the person to stop drinking and then deal with the problems. However with the circumstances, I am wondering, should the person try and fix the family issues(if they even can be) and then stop drinking, or stop drinking and then fix the problems.

I mean, in the back of my mind, I know the real answer, but this one has me a bit perplexed. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[available]

Re: Advice if you will please

I think Nelso that it is ultimately the persons choice on whether they think they can deal with stress without al and we all know what stress does to us. Is he/she determined enough to want to stop drinking with all the shite going around and think he/she can deal with it. There is no point in them having a taste of the GSR's if they do drink after they say they will stop.

Maybe pick a quit date in a few weeks and see if the issues settle down by then.

Yep we all know what we would like to say, grab them quick while they are thinking about stopping and go with it but we also know how hard it is to deal with issues newly sober.

The great news is he/she has your support and that is always a comfort when we have someone who gets us.

[satz123]

Re: Advice if you will please

I think I have to 'tow the party line' here - and enter the cliché arena
Nothing is fixed or made better by adding alcohol.

Issues will not only LOOK worse by excess alcohol but will GET worse as things not meant will be said possibly.

[mario]

Re: Advice if you will please

Hi Nelso if your friend has an addiction problem then that's what needs to be tackled first, I mean we all suffer from an illness here & until ourselves are right its very hard to deal with real life problems without our crutch or to fall back on or use it to comfort us, which inevitably returns us back to our original problem.

[Neo]

Re: Advice if you will please

Rewind time back exactly 7 years today ,with the last 8 days under my belt sober ,I would have been in a better position to deal with things but no, 2010 was a year of drinking an inaction/lack of clarity and paid the price in 2011/12 .Still it haunts me today .Drinking never solved any of my problems

[tonyniceday]

Re: Advice if you will please

Hi Nelso... I think that everyone on here knows that the answer is to deal with the alcohol first BUT when you are "in the moment" and are still dri king it doesn't look that way... its therefore a very difficult one to advise on.... I think all you can do is use empathy and perhaps the old "Feel, Felt, Found" method....
I know how you feel because......and explain your experience
I felt the same way....because alcohol was the easy answer to bury the problem.
I found that....explain how you quitting drinking enabled you to deal with issues in a much clearer way etc.

Its very difficult...let us know how you get on and any specific issues that need any help or advice along the way!

[satz123]

Re: Advice if you will please

"Feel, Felt, Found" method....
I know how you feel because......and explain your experience
I felt the same way....because alcohol was the easy answer to bury the problem.
I found that....explain how you quitting drinking enabled you to deal with issues in a much clearer way etc.

I like this Toe Knee - I use it, but sometimes I think I am just bringing things back to "ME ME ME " ?
It's nice to know it's 'a thing'

[Neo]

Re: Advice if you will please

All it is is Mind over Matter. So True YouTube Do you think you’re a REAL alcoholic or just a problem drinker?

[Orimus]

Re: Advice if you will please

It really depends on the nature and urgency of the family problem. I would say that 98 to 99% of the time, however, deal with the drinking first. It is best to be able to confront important issues with a little bit of clarity and while still drinking we know our judgement is faulty both psychologically and biologically. If at all possible I would say they should take at least two weeks to be selfish enough to take care of the 'me' problem (2 weeks AF) before dealing with the 'we' problem. It's the old adage to take care of yourself so that you are capable of taking care of others. The more urgent the family problem the more I would advise professional assistance. I do like the feel, felt, found method Tony mentions above. imho the only thing that I would tweak with that is instead of I KNOW how you feel I would say I UNDERSTAND how you feel; instead of I felt the SAME way I would say I felt LIKE that. Sorry Tony, just would want to step away from challenging their feeling of uniqueness just yet while still presenting that they are not alone in their experience. Just my two cents.

[Neo]

Re: Advice if you will please

It really depends on the nature and urgency of the family problem. I would say that 98 to 99% of the time, however, deal with the drinking first. It is best to be able to confront important issues with a little bit of clarity and while still drinking we know our judgement is faulty both psychologically and biologically. If at all possible I would say they should take at least two weeks to be selfish enough to take care of the 'me' problem (2 weeks AF) before dealing with the 'we' problem. It's the old adage to take care of yourself so that you are capable of taking care of others. The more urgent the family problem the more I would advise professional assistance. I do like the feel, felt, found method Tony mentions above. imho the only thing that I would tweak with that is instead of I KNOW how you feel I would say I UNDERSTAND how you feel; instead of I felt the SAME way I would say I felt LIKE that. Sorry Tony, just would want to step away from challenging their feeling of uniqueness just yet while still presenting that they are not alone in their experience. Just my two cents.

Im at Day 9 and feel great and healthy on the inside both beer and smokes gone , cravings are quite manageable now but have crappy mornings and still got the brain fog atm so yeah I would say 2 weeks .Just doing a bit everyday

[Sunbeam]

Re: Advice if you will please

No one can control family problems, I believe they never really go away. Addictions also aren't easy, but at some level there is a greater possibility of controlling the drinking problem. So start with the drinking problem, then clearer thoughts can be gathered about dealing with the rest.

[Nelso]

Re: Advice if you will please

Well, my friend has decided to deal with the problems before trying to stop drinking, thanks to all for the advice, but I cant stop them

[mario]

Re: Advice if you will please

Yes Nelso, until one wants themselves to stop there is nothing anybody can do, When there ready there ready, & all a person can do is be there for them when that time comes. mind yourself.

[marthadan]

Re: Advice if you will please

The scary thing about dealing with the al is the nakedness that one feels without it. The problems stand starkly out, leaving you with no place to hide. Yet once you've dealt with the al, you know the problems were always there. So - scary as it is to be sober and face your problem, it's also empowering - so the problem isn't the alcohol! It's ........insert whatever...! So definitely try and deal with the al first. Love the two week me time. Everyone needs to bulk up on self care. Bless.

[satz123]

Re: Advice if you will please