Trust

[Lost Soul]

Hi all,
I made the willful & conscious personal choice to refrain from posting for a short time. I chose not to fully disclose my very personal reasons at the time .

My personal hurt, was in no way personal to anyone else. However I trust when this occurs (more so when completely unitentionally) & I or anyone chooses to speak about it, when I give my opinion, the other person will very likely take it personally. And indeed everyone involved. They may feel guilty that they caused a hurt (although they shouldn't because they did not choose to hurt someone and it was not their fault) and vulnerable because they didn't mean to do so. No-one, (very understandably) wants or wishes to to feel this way. The 'perceived' shame & fear may be directed back at me, the 'percieved' source of the negative feelings if they don't understand my perspective. I understood & accepted this. People fear what they don't understand. And clearly my choices did not make sense to many others except me & I am only human & cannot bear anyone else's thoughts,feelings,opinions, only my own. But I am also only human so I had to stop reading and posting to process & to let go of them.

I am very much answerable to my choices & my choices alone.
The truth is, my truth is I have been here along time. Since I've been back I've met lovely new people. I may make some lifelong friends, who knows what the future has in store? However, some of my old friends are no longer here & regardless of who I meet, & not a criticism of you will never replace them & I miss them very much. Their help & support & journeys has made a part who I am today & I will not forget them & genuinely owe them my gratitude for the life I have today. I hope they're living the high sober life The truth is that I have no knowledge over this. Rightly so, I also have no control over their reality and it may be hopeless & desperate. I feel very real sadness & loss when I consider this. That is when I say my own personal prayer of gratitude. One of sacrafice of oneself for someone else. In the absence of knowledge that what they have said or done has had such a profound positive influence because it didn't at the time. (Thankyou Cymru, Evie & Phil hippy37 & G).

Although, not personal, unintentional and nobody's fault, a comment caused me to feel this loss but not in grateful way but in a shameful way. I trusted my judgement that to be open, & honest about my personal experience & reasons for feeling this way at the time may cause someone else to feel exactly the same way I would and didn't want to do that because it was not their fault. But still tried to stand up for my feelings & opinions in a more indirect way because they also matter & are equally important. To myself & my journey.

Sometimes I feel joyful & happy & grateful for all the positives in my life.
Sometimes I feel sadness & loss which requires a very special prayer of gratitude.
And sometimes I feel despondent & isolated & feel grateful I woke up that morning (because I didn't die in the middle of the night) and that makes me smile.
And sometimes I feel truly grateful for everything else and I feel truly whole.

I afforded myself what I knew & felt I really needed most, when I needed it most. Time & patience. And perhaps what anyone else involved needed too. I let go of my fears & shame (and yours) and listened. Although I (and perhaps you) can't see why sometimes. The choices we make are trustworthy. We just have to look back at them when in a safer place to see them xxx

Wishing all a safe & sober Weekend
Kind regards
Manisha

Manisha's personal disclaimer. If anything I say or do disturbs you, at 10 weeks sober, it would be sensible to disregard it as thoughts, feelings & opinions of an emotionally unstable person or that I'm batshit crazy or perhaps keep it for later when you are ready x

[abcowboy]

Well said LS! :hug: It's only when we put the past behind us can we truly move forward...

[paulywogg]

Re: Trust

LS,these things happen cuz sometimes things are written and read differently from person to person,I've been offended by posts before but everyone else was liking them,I've also loved posts in the past that had offended other people, I think its just cuz we're all different kinds of people with different opinions, the important thing is to just let crap that bugs you go,resentment keeps us trapped! We ant to be free not weighed down with resentment, I've also lost friends around the boards who've moved on and I miss them a lot! Always wonder why they left,are they still sober,are they alive,that's why I appreciate long termers who take the time to still post and encourage around here,good to see you

[available]

Re: Trust

LS, so many people come and go on here, so many people relapse and go and come back, so many people we just dont know what happens to them but at the end of the day the only person we have to worry about is ourselves and the choices we make.

I am sure after 6 years of posting on here that i have offended someone one way or another. I try not too but we all read into things differently. The positive is you can say how you feel so others take note and we can all be in a better place.

I know my first year of sobriety i was up one day and down the next. Thought i should be living in a perfect world as i had stopped drinking and sadly that did not happen, i had to heal and learn to live and love again. I was angry, i was sad, i was euphoric and i wanted to cry a river of tears. Emotions i had bottled up inside for what seems like forever. People could say hello to me in the wrong way and i would think why the f+ck did you say it that way. I smile about it now but it was serious shite back then.

You are not nuts, crazy or insane by my standards, you are human with feelings.

I am grateful now not to be back at that first year of sobriety. Its like a baby learning to crawl and walk, all new and unknown. They laugh, they cry, they fall down and they keep learning along the way just like we do.

Congratulations on your 10 weeks with many many more days and weeks to come.
xx

[Lost Soul]

Re: Trust

Hi all,
Thankyou all for your replies, sorry for the slow response x

ABC, I personally feel my past influences me in a very positive way, so I choose not to let go of this very valuable resource and learning tool - nowhere else can I gain x years of life experience in one place! ( I mentioned x years as it is an ever changing amount). I believe there are no mistakes only lessons x
However I acknowledge that life experiences can affect us negatively and I have found it very helpful to me to revisit the past to find acceptance & forgiveness & think it is sensible for me to keep going to AA & post here because I can all too easily forget. So my journey is about getting a balance between acceptance of the past but not forgetting it.

Pauly & Ava, you are so right, people do come & go & really there isn't any point dwelling on worry about something we cannot control so I guess that's why I try to frame it with gratitude for what I have learned & Pauly, your right - long term abstainers who do continue to post really helps alot! Thankyou Ava for your kind words, it's a steep learning curve x

The only thing I would say is that I really feel I would be being dishonest with myself & you guys, if I said I thought the choices I have made have been influenced by my early sobriety & that wouldnt be fair on anyone & not taking responsibility. I have made the choice to speak in similar situations in real life & still hope to in the future. Although I wouldn't recommend anyone else choosing to do this too unless they really want to because the reaction can be negative.

In relation to alcoholism specifically, If I've been out for dinner, lunch & staff have been pushy with drinks, I always say something. Depending on the situation, I usually word it, I have a problem & find it really hard when someone pressurises me into drinking. It's been ages (because I'm always broke, young kids, babysitters etc) but if Ive out again, I will do the same. It may not change anything. But i've used my voice & it always is helpful to me even if it's hard at the time. And it might help someone else in the future if they understand my perspective.

I know for ordinary life experiences support groups are helpful to feel less isolated with our life experiences (toddler groups etc). I think there is definately a barrier to recovery with other life experiences such as alcoholism, abuse and also to some extent ptsd because of social stigma and taboo. I feel this is so prevalent in society & accept it is too big for me to change this fact. So that is why I choose to speak when it matters to me as that's all & everything I can do x

I think I framed my first post with my disclaimer, because the process & reactions I talked about in my understanding are largely taking place in a person's subconscious mind. Which is present in a person regardless of their stage in sobriety. That's why it can be unsettling but I have also found in relation to my experiences very freeing. I know it's been hugely helpful to me when related to my alcoholism too so am sharing in case it's useful to anyone else. (I mentioned this in relation to the AA Disclaimer too.) Hope this makes sense!