Paulysville

[Pavati]

Re: Paulysville

Hi, Pauly:

How are you doing? Sorry about the accident! Take care of yourself - we're here. Put the beer down and get back on that horse!

xo
Pav

[paulywogg]

Re: Paulysville

There's no beer now Pav,just last week when I felt like I was having a meltdown I turned to that old"friend" was talking to my therapist and she knows all that's been going on with my year,we talked about how my mom's coping and I mentioned she's been drinking a lot through her grief and the therapist thought I meant she took up drinking and I clarified that no she's always drank,this is just a reason or excuse to drink more and it came to me that I'm doing the same thing last year or the year before nobody had died,nobody had cancer yet I was still drinking here and there,I don't know how I can hate something so much yet love it at the same time? I like being drunk sometimes and that scares me and I don't know how to get past that,so I keep relapsing then feeling relieved,then hating it and wanting my sober life back,just feels like an ugly loop that I'm stuck in...I also wonder if being on this site is keeping me stuck in the past,constantly thinking about the subject,just thinking out loud.

[paulywogg]

Re: Paulysville

I lied...I posted all over the boards about how my mom was coming down this weekend and I was worried about how I'd handle it,well she ended up not coming down cuz I lied to her and told her hubs,son and I were all sick! I feel awful and I know she knows I just wasn't ready for a visit from her,she text me last night drunk saying she just wanted to hug us and see us and that I'm an ass and stuff,I didn't want to hurt her,if I told her the truth about how it's just to close to the time last year when I last saw Jon alive and how her visit would open that wound up and how I didnt want to drink I don't think she'd have understood that,seems the only one who understands when I explain it is Kellie,it's really weird how I can deal with my mom and her drinking when I go visit but when it's here,in my home I get too wound up and want to drink too,I dunno if cuz it's all we've done on her visits down so I associate the two or what,it's too damn close to Thanksgiving and Christmas to have a relapse,I can't afford it physically,emotionally or financially so I took the selfish,terrible way to deal with it I lied.

[Rusty]

Re: Paulysville

Hey Pauly:hug:I think someone here with longtime sobriety (I forget whom) told you to just make something up because you needed to protect your quit, and I think that was a good idea. Maybe sometime you could just write your mom a short letter, saying, "Mom, I am sorry we weren't feeling well and not up for a visit but we will get together another time. I don't want to hurt your feelings, but it's just too close to the time last year when I last saw Jon alive and your visit would bring back those memories. I'm not strong enough to deal with all that just yet. I am afraid I might drink and once I start, I can't stop, and it's just the worst feeling in the world for me. Maybe if you can't come see us, I can come and see you. I hope you understand. Love, Pauly"

I understand how it's much easier for you to see her when she's drinking. When you're at her house, you can leave when you want, but when she's at your house, you're pretty much held captive. Maybe you could go see a movie the next time you get together....instead of drinking? Just my thoughts.

[paulywogg]

Re: Paulysville

Thanks Rusty,I still feel guilty and I'm am sad about not seeing her though but I KNOW what a shitshow it would have been if she came down for her,me and everyone else,remember when she was here last year Kell's bf had to go drag her out of a bar at 2:30 am? I'm sure some similar goings on would have happened and Kell's nearing the end of her pregnancy she doesn't need extra stress and she doesn't need a relapsed mom either,I've had a hell of a time this year getting AF stretches I don't think it's worth it to add anymore triggers that can be avoided,besides I'll see my mom a lot in the next year

[Rusty]

Re: Paulysville

Pauly-I am SO proud of you for just saying NO when you know something will absolutely jeopardize your quit. Now I remember your mom's last visit...:-( You poor thing...you are so right...her visit upset everyone, not just you. I know you're sad but like you said, you can see your mom a lot next year. Kel does not need the stress....ooh...a new baby in the house....how exciting for you. You will be the hottest Nana, for the second time.:yay:

[abcowboy]

Way to go Pauly! It's all about being selfish early in our quits! I know early in my quit I refused to go with Bubba when she went to visit her parents, the noise level, heat, language barrier, and stress level was just too much for me to deal with then. So you made up an excuse, nothing wrong with that! Once you get comfortable and enjoy your sobriety, those things will be so much easier to overcome. Right now, it's all about you and don't ever forget that! :hug:

[NoraC]

Re: Paulysville

Pauly - CONGRATULATIONS
You are protecting your quit. That is so important that you put that first.

[lifechange]

Re: Paulysville

I agree with the others, Pauly.. if someone or something puts your sobriety in jeopardy, then you have to have a bit of distance. I'm really glad that you listened to your gut and postponed the visit. Well done. And I would look at your excuse as preventative medicine instead of a lie.. if she'd come to visit you'd have very likely ended up sick. :hug:

[available]

Re: Paulysville

Pauly great work on protecting yourself. I did the same thing to my SIL who i love dearly and was my best drinking buddy when i drank. she came to visit a friend in the state i live in and invited me over. i knew i would drink and the anguish for me was overwhelming, she said she would not hassle me to drink but it wasnt her i was worried about it was me and i knew i would drink and have a case of the f@ck its, so i told her my dog was sick and i could not come. i did tell her a year or so later and she understood. we need to protect our quit and even though you feel guilty be proud of yourself, you dont want to drink and you are not going to. We are all proud of you!

[paulywogg]

Re: Paulysville

Thanks for all the replies everyone,yes I did it but the guilt is overwhelming! I got screwed out of a visit with my mom cuz I just couldn't trust myself and it breaks my heart that it feels like alcohol won again even without a sip being taken I know how lonely mom is,I know how much she loves me and I feel like I broke her heart,I felt damned if I seen her and damned if I didn't see her,it's hard to explain really,I posted on another thread I just can't wait til alcohol is no longer a "thing" in my life cuz it's tiring,all the relapses give me little faith in myself,all the things I avoid doing to avoid alcohol feels like I'm missing out on life,I'll never stop wishing that I never picked up that first drink on New Years 2004 thinking I was having fun,started a decade and a half of horseshit for this chick..I hate alcohol.

[treetops]

Re: Paulysville

Feeling for you sweetie but try to look to the future. If its any consolation mother-daughter relationships are often complicated and full of guilt. Even when no alcohol is involved. We just have to do our best.

[paulywogg]

Re: Paulysville

Another year's past,another year of calendar days I've missed,49 drinking days in 2017 that's more than the previous year I'm supposed to be making progress not going backwards,this last extreme relapse over Christmas was the worst,most I've ever drank! I had been sick with a cold for 4 days prior,one morning after crap sleep I was getting ready for work and I threw up,a wise person would have called off work then but I didn't,threw up again and the bright idea of stopping for beer popped into my head and I couldn't shake it so I did and I drank,,I figured I was sick anyways maybe as well just get drunk so I wouldn't feel sick,I drank all through Christmas eve,Christmas morning,the next day,ugh I was like an animal,I was like a homeless person you see on the side of the road,my family begged me to stop but I told them I wanted to enjoy Christmas (best you can in a haze I guess) I didn't want to be sick with withdrawals throughout,,they backed off what choice did they have? Im sure they could have put their foot down and left but I think we all just wanted to get through,I think this was my rock bottom,,,I've been through a lot this year brothers death,dads cancer,my sisters seizures,work stress,Brady's car wreck,Kell's car wreck,Kell's pregnancy (which is a blessing but also stress cuz of her relationship) grieving parents,etc and I've been pretty strongish but hit a breaking point more than I care to think about but this last one showed me how out of control my drinking has gotten again,I'm only on day 6 now but I'm not doing a day 6 again! I just can't,,,here's to a stronger,healthier,head outta ass 2018..

[Jude58]

Re: Paulysville

Pauly, I'm so sorry that you are going through so much right now. Sometimes I get so angry because unlike many people, I can never just have one drink, and it just seems so unfair. The awww f#@k it moments can come out of nowhere, and as you realize, it never takes you anyplace good. There's always that little spark of hope within us that says "maybe this time it will be different, maybe I can be like all of those normal drinkers." It's a sad truth that it never happens that way, and it's a path we have to avoid at all costs. The only solution for us is no booze....ever! I used to think that I was having to give up something that was important to me, something I needed to get by in life, to take away the edge. If I had continued to drink, my "friend" (alcohol) would have ruined my life, I am very sure of that. Sometimes I feel that something is missing in my life, and yes, I guess that it is. I used to think that it was the buzz that I was missing, those warm feelings that eventually turned toxic. I like to compare being AF with having a cancerous tumor removed from my body. Take away the poison, and with time you will heal. I don't have all of the answers to the problems and stress in your life, but I do know that booze will eventually compound all of them and make things worse. Hang in there and try to see the New Year as a meadow covered with a fresh blanket of snow, you are the first to leave your tracks, pointing in any direction that you choose to go. As much as you can, make today what you want it to be.

[Pavati]

Re: Paulysville

Hi, Pauly--

That's it. Make this your LAFQ (last and final quit). I know it is in you.

You have had a crazy year, and you owe it to yourself to take care of YOU. That starts with not drinking. Day 6 and onward!

Happy New Year!

xo
Pav