Paulysville

[paulywogg]

Re: Paulysville

Well I went to visit my family this weekend,had a great trip but yes I drank..a lot,I could not get my nerves together and I grabbed beers out of my mom's fridge within 20 minutes of getting there,yesterday is the day last year I found out my beautiful brother killed himself,last Monday was the date that he did it,how did I feel last Monday? Numb,went to work in a fog played like I was normally,maybe I should have said something then who knows,seen dad,he looks ok-ish but I asked him about the cancer and if he's been back for a checkup,nope,he's not going back there,it is what it is,same as my boozing I guess we can only help ourselves,just posting to keep it in my "journal"

[dill]

Re: Paulysville

Pauly I am just glad to see you posting and I know you are keeping your head in the game. Back to the café in the morning! :love:

[Glass Half Empty]

Re: Paulysville

Pauly I totally understand why you would drink under those circumstances. How are you going now? Have you been able to stop again? If not, is there any support we can give you that would help?

[Rusty]

Re: Paulysville

Pauly:hug: I am so, so sorry that the trip you planned was filled with such sadness instead of joy. Have a safe trip back and once you get back home, you will regain your foothold, as you always do. We will be here for you.

[NoraC]

Re: Paulysville

[MENTION=17650]paulywogg[/MENTION] - :hug: You were going thru a stressful time and you drank. That is not the way you wanted to handle it. But, it is over and done with.
Beating yourself up isn't going to help. But, stopping drinking will help.
You might not be where you want to be but you are so much further along than you were when you started. Take note of what you did wrong and then keep moving. :heartbeat:

[techie]

Re: Paulysville

Hang in there, Pauly. There is so much to love in yourself. Just get back on the horse. I had to climb back in the saddle a few times. Sending you hugs and other special stuff (it’s a proprietary formula). xoxo

[paulywogg]

Re: Paulysville

Oh shite,,where do I start? Went to post in the newbies nest,,erased it,,went to post on Steppers,,didn't feel right,so many people going through more stress than I am yet get through it without drinking,I chose yet again to not been in a fucken weird ass state of mind since I visited my family,maybe a depression? I said in the newbies that I THOUGHT I had my tools in order yet I drank,,so devastated by that choice! Yet I do it again now cuz? Cuz why? I watched intervention the other night and I'm absolutely disgusted by their selfish behavior yet I'm the same way! I don't see alcohol or any addiction as a disease,I think it's a selfish behavior we engage in if we choose,I don't need tough love,I don't need rehab,I don't need aa,shit dunno what I need? Don't even want to post this at all,I doubt anyone on this forum ever thinks I'll get sober for keeps,hell I don't know if I will either,it is what it is.

[NoraC]

Re: Paulysville

[MENTION=17650]paulywogg[/MENTION] - :heartbeat: Trying to think of something helpful to say. Can't really think of the right words. I have been in your situation so many, many times. But, I do hope that it stops today. You are not happy when you drink.
Have you ever thought that maybe you are sabotaging on purpose? I think that I did. I felt guilty for things I had done in the past so it was easier to keep drinking and bury my guilty feelings. Once I decided to forgive myself and move on, things began to improve. Maybe this doesn't apply to your situation at all......just wanted to throw it out there.
Hope you pour it out and get some sleep. :hug:

[Glass Half Empty]

Re: Paulysville

been in a fucken weird ass state of mind since I visited my family,maybe a depression?

Probably, yes. And you've been through such a traumatic time that you may need some help to address that. Maybe even more than the love we all feel for you can provide.

I don't see alcohol or any addiction as a disease.

No, neither do I. I see it as a maladaptive coping mechanism.

,I doubt anyone on this forum ever thinks I'll get sober for keeps,hell I don't know if I will either,it is what it is.

*shrugs* about what other people on the forum think. It's not like they're all angels! Or even all that knowledgeable to be honest. All you need to think about is you and today. You don't have to worry about being sober for keeps. Can you do it just for just this one day, until midnight?

And never forget, if anyone judges you for not getting it right the first time - anyone can do it once! It's the ones that keep trying again and again who are really strong....

[Samstone]

Re: Paulysville

Pauly,
if you are sober right now, this moment, then you are sober. It is not my place to judge "sober for keeps" for you or anyone. It is sober right now, not tomorrow or next week, just right now. It's that old cliche: living in the moment.
your friend
Sam

[Glass Half Empty]

Re: Paulysville

Sorry - me again!

I can't believe I missed this bit:

so many people going through more stress than I am

Darling, you have been through more stress and pain in the last year alone than many go through in their lifetime. Be kind to yourself for a while- you deserve it!

[NoSugar]

Re: Paulysville

You aren't diseased or broken or bad, [MENTION=17650]paulywogg[/MENTION]. Like @Glass Half Empty said, you learned that when you didn't feel good, drinking helped you cope - it made you feel better, back to how you want to feel. And as we all learned, it worked until it didn't - when the psychological relief morphed into psychological and physical need. And even though you intellectually know that it doesn't "work" anymore, those neurological circuits forged by years of habit are still there, just waiting to be used. It is kind of like riding a bike. It's hard to learn but once your body and mind know how, you know it forever. And if for some reason it would be bad for you to ride a bike, you'd have to stay off bikes! And you'd need to learn other ways to get around. It might take awhile but you could learn to ride a scooter. Eventually, with practice, that would become natural. You probably wouldn't even miss the bike most of the time.

For me, getting past addiction has meant learning other ways to cope - and learning them so well that they come naturally and before I resort to the old, easy habit that ruined my life. It seems to me you're on a scooter instead of that bad bike most of the time - you just need to learn a couple more ways to get through the tough times. I believe you can do it, Pauly, because it is clear how much you want it and you never give up. xx, NS

[satz123]

Re: Paulysville

Brilliant as usual NS !!
Pauly - you are the best trier I know .... :hug:
So here ye go !!

[dill]

Re: Paulysville

The road to success is always under construction. -Lily Tomlin

Hey Pauly, none of us here can know for sure that we will be sober for keeps! All any of us really have is today. Never give up!

[NoSugar]

Re: Paulysville

I wouldn't mind riding that scooter, [MENTION=9094]satz123[/MENTION]!
How are you doing this afternoon, Pauly?