Re: Paulysville
TBH,those scooters piss me off in Las Vegas traffic! Haha guess they're road legal but only hit around 50 mph
no doggone excuses for my drinkin,,it's all on me and that's where the guilt comes in crumbling my self esteem like peroxide spilled on baking soda,it just foams until it changes it's down to basically nothing just a foam mess,why did Jon hafta do that? Why can't I get over it? Why's this so hard and im dwelling on it? Thought I was over it,I could put it in my head that he was a selfish little shite and didn't care,about us for doing that I mean who does that?? Gives me the creeps,when I was at my dad's I kept looking at that mountain,imagining him being taken out of there in a body bag while my poor dad and mom and the rest of the family were still searching but it was basically in my dad's back yard,what was he doing at the time? On the computer drinking coffee just thinking Jon was out being on a road trip searching for a more spiritual place to be?that's the first thing that crossed my mind,,I thought he was on a road trip,hitching a ride to somewhere else cuz he was way into the more spiritual side of life,,he had a garden he was planning out,I seen the drawings,he quit eating meat cuz he cared about the animals too much,I talked to hubs and my other brother just the other day about all this they both said I need to go on and get over it,Jon wouldn't want us to be sad,hubs was a bitch and said"he was fucked up and chose to do that" I was pissed off at that!! Jon was MY baby boy and Bobby knows that cuz when we first started dating Jonzo was always with us! Til I had Michelle and we made her the priority,plus my mom and dad got a divorce around the same time and dad took all the kids,dunno why I'm sharing all of this on a public forum I think I just need to get it out!! Going to my hometown around that anniversary just peeled off a,scan that had healed a bit,,then I said I'd go up in July for our tribes powwow which is the same month we had jobs
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TBH,those scooters piss me off in Las Vegas traffic! Haha guess they're road legal but only hit around 50 mph
no doggone excuses for my drinkin,,it's all on me and that's where the guilt comes in crumbling my self esteem like peroxide spilled on baking soda,it just foams until it changes it's down to basically nothing just a foam mess,why did Jon hafta do that? Why can't I get over it? Why's this so hard and im dwelling on it? Thought I was over it,I could put it in my head that he was a selfish little shite and didn't care,about us for doing that I mean who does that?? Gives me the creeps,when I was at my dad's I kept looking at that mountain,imagining him being taken out of there in a body bag while my poor dad and mom and the rest of the family were still searching but it was basically in my dad's back yard,what was he doing at the time? On the computer drinking coffee just thinking Jon was out being on a road trip searching for a more spiritual place to be?that's the first thing that crossed my mind,,I thought he was on a road trip,hitching a ride to somewhere else cuz he was way into the more spiritual side of life,,he had a garden he was planning out,I seen the drawings,he quit eating meat cuz he cared about the animals too much,I talked to hubs and my other brother just the other day about all this they both said I need to go on and get over it,Jon wouldn't want us to be sad,hubs was a bitch and said"he was fucked up and chose to do that" I was pissed off at that!! Jon was MY baby boy and Bobby knows that cuz when we first started dating Jonzo was always with us! Til I had Michelle and we made her the priority,plus my mom and dad got a divorce around the same time and dad took all the kids,dunno why I'm sharing all of this on a public forum I think I just need to get it out!! Going to my hometown around that anniversary just peeled off a,scan that had healed a bit,,then I said I'd go up in July for our tribes powwow which is the same month we had jobsC
sorry but I was just saying that I feel like I tore a scab off by going up to visit family at the exact time that we had his death,then saying I'd go in July for the powwow is just too mucho for me! I'd rather just chill( or bake cuz its Vegas) for a few months then see,,I just don't think I can do it,,I sent a text to my mom and brothers and yes they're upset I'm not gonna be there but for me I think my mental health needs a break but what if I don't go and something happens? I have been dwelling on who's next? I've never really lost anyone so close,my gramma but she was older and had Alzheimer's,my in-laws who I adore but they were older too,what will I do if someone goes who I need in my life? My mom,my dad,hubs,,? Ok gotta think of the positive! Kell had Louie after a miscarriage,Kell had Romeo after that unfortunate termination(still think of those and wonder) oh shite,I have a job,I'm healthyish,I have a house,I'm sober a good part of the time,I love myself and my family,I'm a walking machine and beat EVERYONE usually every week on fitbit,I love donuts,pizza,a clean house,my Winslow,this place and the members here,time to grow some balls and put the past in the past!
I'm continuing to work on myself,I've subscribed to many blogs about drinking,I ordered the easy way to quit drinking book,I'm exercising even when I don't fucken feel like it,I'm keeping up on vitamins and my hormonal supplement and most of all trying to keep my head in a more positive mode! When bad thought come in I push them out(at least try to) I pray every day while driving to work that God give me patience,peace and kindness toward other people,most of the time it works,tis all for now.
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