I drank. Hope you don't.

[Mick]

Re: I drank. Hope you don't.

dont give up giving up

[Wildflowers]

Re: I drank. Hope you don't.

Thank you to everyone for your care, encouragement and support!... It's truly a testament of love!... :love: We don't shoot the wounded at MWO!... Alcoholism is a nasty disease. Addiction is life threatening for many. I hope and pray, I'll find my quit that sticks.

[MENTION=7008]JackieClaire[/MENTION] Thank you for helping me realize I didn't need anyone's permission to dump the rest out. Why am I so co-dependant? Lots of reasons really. I felt guilty asking Mr WF to stop, spend money, only to turn around and dump it. I've dumped out a lot of booze over the yrs. Buy it, dump it.... Thank you for helping me find my voice, own my own power. Thank you for checking back in. Hope you don't usually stay up so late. Perhaps, you had other things going on. Your a love, sweet lady!.... xxx

[MENTION=8529]mollyka[/MENTION] Well, the usual crap feelings. Physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually low. Feel sick. Haven't been able to eat, yet. Stomach hurts. Something small soon. There was something else that set me off, besides being in a tempting situation. First this. Approval seeking, I believe is common in some alkies-addicts. Maybe more, for some with not pleasant backgrounds. Trauma. I mean after all most of just want to be loved. Being loved and accepted by others feels good. However, not at the expense of self destruction. Peeling the layers back.

I sent Mr WF a pic of the new baby boy. New baby boy is same name as hubs. I wrote in pic-text that I had tears of joy at the birth of this precious little one. My hubs reply back was full of jealousy and sarcasm. Instead of what I expected. Here is the problem. "The higher my expectations of other people are, the lower is my serenity". I'm not responsible for how other people react. Only myself. Why oh why do I continue to burden myself. Need to learn new ways of thinking. Respond not react. Pause when agitated. Have been to hundreds upon hundreds of AA meetings over the yrs. Had a few sponsors to. I should know better.

Not feeling well enough today to hit a meeting, but maybe tom. Going to rest. Also on Mothers Day I didn't end up talking to the Kids thru Facetime. My card didn't make it. Yes, I felt sorry for myself. However, I worked my tools and got over myself. The kids are coming home soon and have much to do. One of our little seniors is needing me as well. She is such a love!.. :smile:

Later, I will write about what happened in hopes of learning more. Thanks Techie. I can't keep doing this. Running out of time to heal. Thanks Mollers!.. I haven't forgotten what you wrote to Pauly. "When you realize what your doing to yourself, that's when the quit sticks." I've wondered why, I wear my seatbelt and look both ways when crossing the St. Drinking is like a deathwish for me. It never gets better. I'm tired of lying to myself. Disappointing self and others. I need to learn and apply new coping methods. I need to love myself better.

Thank you again to everyone!... Thank you for these. :huggies: And these. :boxing:

[Guitarista]

Re: I drank. Hope you don't.

Hiya WF!

Count me in on the Wildflowers support and self luuurve train. :thumbsup:

Brill post Molly, thank you.

[narilly]

Re: I drank. Hope you don't.

Hey WF, I am here for you too. Shit happens, I can see that situation being very difficult to deal with.

Lets go forward and stay on top of this. Don't drink today. Just take it easy on yourself.

xo
Narilly

[Mr Vervill]

Re: I drank. Hope you don't.

So happy you're still here WF!
Wonderful post MollyK

[Pavati]

Re: I drank. Hope you don't.

Hi, WF!

So glad you posted and are accepting help. You deserve to give yourself the love and respect you give to others.

Hope you're feeling better today.

Hugs...

Pav

[PanhandleKim]

Re: I drank. Hope you don't.

WF - you hold tight and don't let go - I don't remember who posted recently the difference between and slip and a relapse but this is just a slip. You can prevent it from turning into a relapse by posting here and letting the encouragement you receive here build up your strength and resistance. We've all been right where you're at. Personally, I've been there many times. You're among friends who certainly understand.

[ssd858]

Re: I drank. Hope you don't.

I'm right there with Mollyk! You are such a loving person to all! :hug:

[kuya]

Re: I drank. Hope you don't.

I have been absent a little while and saw this thread and felt moved to reply.

Firstly WF you are a kind and caring person and, as you say, are often over sensitive to the opinion of others. A couple things hit me from your original post that I can relate to.

Firstly you were in an exciting /excited environment. I think HALT does not cover all the bases as I find ANY strong emotions will stir up 'let go and drink' thoughts. I usually find it will be new situations that are either slightly stressful or exciting that distract me from realising that I am hungry and then I simply want the happiness/excitement to continue. We addicts know we can continue to get endorphins from our drug of choice and that's why we make the decision to use. Perhaps we should find an alternative acronym to HALT (Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired)

HEAT (Hungry, EMOTIONAL, Angry, Tired) ??

or LETHAL (Lonely, Emotional, Tired, Hungry and Low). ??

You get the point though, STRONG emotions, good OR bad, put us at risk.

I believe all the justifications we make afterwards (I felt pressured, I was weak, I am a hopeless addict) are null and void in the face of having passed a certain threshold biochemically. They are explanations we are compelled CREATE to make sense of, what seems like, insanity.

But you are NOT crazy, NOR a hopeless addict.....simply a human being that didn't understand the biological limits. AND you didn't have a PLAN. This is why so many come back here reporting that they 'slipped' at a party..........truth is they were probably excited, hungry and wanted the 'good' emotions to continue.

Have you seen the experiments done with people testing their performance when being steadily deprived of oxygen? These totally intelligent people stop being able to make rational decisions because their brain cells are deprived of oxygen.

EXACTLY the same happens when your brain cells are deprived of fuel, and that is what happens when we are overly emotional.........we burn brain fuel quicker than normal!

Sugar gives you quick fuel BUT it doesn't last long and creates a 'crash' which drops you to an even worse place. Alcohol is a super brain fuel that can be turned to sugar AND has the added benefit of releasing endorphins that makes the drinker no longer CARE about being starved of fuel!


In the battle against addiction PROPER FOOD is your greatest defence.

When you know you will face a challenging or fun day, particularly with people who may not understand (or know about) your addiction, make sure you START your day with a LARGE breakfast.

I am not vegetarian so high protein and fat is my shield!

Then take nuts etc with you so you can sneak handfuls throughout the day. If there is an opportunity to eat real food then EAT but not if the only food on offer is laden with sugar. If you eat a ton of sugary food you will literally be 'high' for a couple hours then will seek to remain 'high' with alcohol to try to reverse the sugar 'crash'.

Lastly, and I know from what you have written that you are aware of this, work on your people pleasing.

Sure, you were at these guy's wedding but they were not good enough friends to have shared your addiction with. You seem to have slipped and drank for people who are not really close friends. You 'feared' their opinion of you, their 'judgement'.

Fear is another emotion covered by HEAT/LETHAL but not HALT. It seems to me you were more afraid of THEIR opinion than of your own. I get that, I have been there.

As you have said yourself people pleasing is a common trait in alkies and, believe it or not, it was actually MWO that taught me to 'harden up' and stop judging my perceived self through others.

Lastly your husband is in his own reality and is reacting from that place. His sarcasm etc is coming from his own complex emotional response to all this.

The Wildflowers I have seen over the years is MORE than enough to keep her sobriety intact REGARDLESS of anyone else....she just needs trust herself more. :hug:

[daisy45]

Re: I drank. Hope you don't.

Hi WF.....just popped in and seen this. I feel your pain. I see you have been to AA before.
I done anything I could to avoid it and eventually walked in on 8 March....that was the day I felt safe again! This past week my thinking was not in the right place so I am going to nightly meetings until I feel comfortable again.
AA has opened my eyes to so much, as does MyWayOut. Every part , including the 3 months counselling before AA......all part of my journey.....one leads to another and all I can say is that as long as you want it and keep trying, over and over and over, as long as it takes.......you will get there.
I don't know what is ahead for me but I am doing what is suggested and keeping that dream alive. I hope you find some peace again soon. Always take that next step, no matter how small. Hugs to you from me.......

[Lost Soul]

Re: I drank. Hope you don't.

I'm so sorry you slipped but you have been doing amazingly well WF & helped me soo much (amongst others!) over the last few months Please don't let this take away from all your hard work and the awesome person & friend that you are :hug:
Glad you posted & dumped out the booze, I hope your feeling better :hug:

[NoSugar]

Re: I drank. Hope you don't.

How are you doing, Wildflowers?

As you can see, many people here can relate so well to what you're going through (you are NOT alone :hug:!) and care very much that you make it back to the other side --- where you want to be.

I hope and pray, I'll find my quit that sticks.

You know where to find it, WF. It is within you - in the whole and healthy part of you that doesn't need anything outside of itself and is always there, like the sun. A couple days ago a bunch of storm clouds came into your life and it seemed like the sun was gone. When we feel like that, it hurts, and we naturally want to feel better again. It seems like drinking is the answer but for an addict, that may part the clouds for a moment, but ultimately just keeps those dark clouds in place and ushers in the wind, rain, and hail of the storm. It seems like we'll never see the sun again. I think the benefit of continuing to read and post here (or participate in a group) is that we see people who have weathered the worst that there is and are back in sunlight. We see that people have ups and downs in their lives but that things eventually change and peace returns - without trying to force that good feeling with a drink.

That all might sound kind of silly but I actually use this metaphor whenever I'm stressed and am tempted to do something destructive in an effort to feel better - I envision myself standing out in the middle of a storm, unprotected, with the clouds and darkness around me but with the sun, ever-present, above. I know that eventually it will break through if I can relax and give myself the time I need.

[Wildflowers]

Re: I drank. Hope you don't.

I'm doing okay. Feel a bit overwhelmed by all this support, but am very grateful!.. Even a bit embarrassed by the compliments. Know it comes from lack of self concept and image. It's PTSD. Also learned from a young age to accomplish things by myself. Tho, I do get, we all need ea other. It's not a sign of weakness to depend on others. Know it's fear. Feeling helpless. I know have control issues. Need to work on balance between these two. Now I'm going to think about why I don't like depending on others. Probably more fears. Maybe a partial Lobotomy will do. Lol. Really am sick of loop thinking.

Booked a therapy appt. She's booked out over a month. May cancel as Ins may be changing. The thing is, I don't want to re-hash old stuff. I know I have a problem with self love. It's easier to give it away. As Mollers said, standing strong in my own self worth is lacking. Placing value of what others think of me is none of my business. I use to have an AA sponsor, who asked me to take index finger and touch tip of my nose. Using analogy of that's how small I should care what others think. Thank you, Molly

Kuya, I'm going to have to re-read all this as my head isn't in a good place. Need to get outside and get busy. Fresh air... Tho, I get what your saying about his issues not mine. Many times, I've been able to let it go. Being married to him all these yrs hasn't been great for my self concept. Here's an example. He was too busy to take Suburban through DEQ. He asked me to do it. Shocked I was. As he thinks I'm not capable of driving his big rig. It didn't pass and had to go to mechanic. Just a fuse, Then back to DEQ. I felt so good about myself that day. There were yrs that I wasn't allowed to do anything, but be a housewife. Now writing this out. I see, I'm rebelling against him. I may cancel therapy appt. Take an art class. In the past these issues with Mr WF have been brought up. I've been told divorce or live with it. This being said he's made great strides in improving. Also has good qualities. I have plenty of faults to. Thank you for the food tips. I'll begin trying to trust myself more. From the help on this thread. Told self, I'm sorry for some of the things that happened to me. Told WF, I love you. Seems a bit silly. I'm not the same person I was a few yrs ago. I'm tired...

NS, Yes, I see the benefit of posting here. It does help to see others surviving life without poison. Some are thriving. The weather analogy is helpful. I hope, I find it inside NS. Maybe I'll have to accept that I'm one of those people that fall into 1/3 group of slips and relapses. Even people like me need support. AA shuns people like me and that's why I left. Tho, learned many good tools. I will try the cloud and sun analogy, when I feel the need to change, how I feel. Thank you...

Hi Daisyluv. So nice to see you. :hug: I'm so glad MWO and AA is helping you!... Have thought of you and wondered how you were. Hope to see you more!... I have a hard time opening up at AA. Smaller groups it seems easier. Which I find odd, as it's easier to hide in big groups.

I asked another GF why she doesn't drink. She said she doesn't like feeling out of control. For myself, sometimes it helps me feel in control. Physically, mentally, emotionally. Not spiritually tho. I don't know if I'm making any sense. Well some.

Thank you everyone!..... For your time, help, support and encouragement. :love: Hope it's a good AF wknd. :smile:

[JackieClaire]

Re: I drank. Hope you don't.

[MENTION=16893]Wildflowers[/MENTION]
Ahh love, its so sad that you feel shunned by AA.......from what I've seen over the past few months volunteering in a place that hosts AA meetings (and GA, NA ......... all sorts of meetings that end in an A)........I've seen nothing but kindness.............please believe me when I say when I attended AA I honestly thought that those with steadfast sobriety used to gossip not just behind my back but everyone else who had frequent relapses..........nothing could be further from the truth. And to be honest if MWO did go belly up I'd be back there in a flash but that's bye the bye.

How's about a go at SMART..........taking off around the world as an alternative to the 12 steps.........not sure if they actually have meetings your side of the pond yet........but worth a look.

http://www.smartrecovery.org/

[Lost Soul]

Re: I drank. Hope you don't.

Hi [MENTION=16893]Wildflowers[/MENTION] ,
You have been in my thoughts - I hope you are doing okay :hug:
Take care
LS