Drank two glasses of champagne. Then a Mimosa. Then I left and went to the liquor store and bought Rum. The cravings, the dragon has been awoken. Then I texted hubby and asked him to bring home a 12 rack of beer. He replied asking if I'm sure. He had no idea that I'd already been drinking. I don't remember much from last night. Hadn't eat much yesterday. I fell on my back in family rm. Remember getting into an argument. Not sure really what about. Can't remember. Made a huge mess in kitchen, trying to cook while intoxicated.
I was suppose to go to a job early this AM. I cancelled. I dumped the remaining rum out. The beer is still in the garage. I texted hubs, apologizied profusely. Told him I dumped hard liquor out. Asked if he wanted beer or should I dump the rest out. Haven't heard back. Frankly, I'm not surprised. Who can blame him. They suffer too!..
I'm so ashamed and disappointed in myself! I'm now drinking a beer. Had crackers earlier. I shouldn't have tried to quit smoking so early in my AF quit. I think it also triggered me. I've blown it once again. I heard that voice saying don't do it. You'll be sorry. Still I put myself in a tempting situation. There are never any good reasons for an alcoholic to pick up that first drink. I'll never forget years ago, Marioman said, he drank for as many reasons as trees have leaves. Ain't that the truth! Hope one day this nasty cycle of addiction will be broke. It causes nothing but pain and remorse. I hope I can stop again. I really hate addiction!....
I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news!.. Please, I beg you to not pick up that first drink!... Am hating myself now! I should have been stronger and said no. If it wasn't for MWO, I'm not sure I could try again. I know I'm an alcoholic. Still, I do this. May try a meeting tom. Maybe I need therapy again. Seriously, don't believe I have many more chances at this. As embarrassing as this, I hope it might help someone. Reinforce why not to drink.
Thank you for listening. I'll be back when I can get myself together.
Comment