Hello all,
I see a psychiatrist to get my Topa as my GP just wants to send me to Detox and be done with me. Long story and not worth the telling. Anyway... About a year ago I actually checked myself into a rehab center and did the group therapy sessions 4 nights a week for 3 hours at a time. I lasted 2 weeks and couldnt stand it any longer. I asked for a private pyschologist. To me everyone was just talking about alcohol. They werent talking about the why... also most of the folks in the group were so insanely messed up and basically on either work or court orders. I was the only volunteer. I am not judging them, it just wasnt right for me.
So anyway. I go to the psychologist. I start opening up about a lot of stuff I have never told anyone. She was a very nice lady and really prompted me to get it all out. She did her best to help but ya know there was nothing she said that really helped. We got to talking about family and my wife (of course a lot of the conversation was about drinking and why I was doing it). She asked if I would mind if my wife comes in and join a few sessions. I agree and think this will be great.
How do I put this ... I went from a good husband who is her caretaker at session one to a lazy bum that doesn't do anything and is just a drunk by session five and she does everything. On the last session my wife completely lost it, balling, screaming, the whole 9 yards. That is when the psychologist said to her that she needs to see a psychiatrist. I guess she had seen me enough and had weighed all that I had said and saw the changes in my wifes behavior that she knew something wasn't quite right.
Off the wifey goes and gets the diagnosis of Bi-Polar rapid cycling.
Yeeh friking haw.
You see, I say that in the most sarcastic way because while I had a lot of issues I was discussing with the psychologist about my past when I started talking about my wife it was like I opened pandoras box.
We have been together since 1999 and starting in 2004 things started rapidly going down hill in our relationship. During her pregancy I swear I was living with an alien. After our son was born I stopped being a man. I was nothing but the guy that earned a living and took mental and emothional abuse, so (un)naturally I developed a good drinking habit. (I take full responsibility for it by the way - not blaming anyone but myself - no one lifted those bottles to my lips but me).
She has been in treatment since January and things have greatly increased for the good in the household. There was a setback in late February when I had to check her in for wanting to commit suicide. She was in the pysch ward for a week and her Mom flew out to help for 3 weeks because I needed help with her and my son so I could continue to work. I am still the main caregiver to her and my son but she is managing much better.
Now you are probably wondering if you were able to read though the back groud what the heck am I getting at and where am I going with all this.
It boils down to this. I have tried the group therapy and I really just didnt feel like it was helpful. Nothing in my heart lightened my loads. My burdens remained the same. The psychologist was a very nice lady and listened very well but her suggestions just carried no wieght. I still feel the horrible things that happened to me when I was a boy, other things that happened in my family, and the pain of the emotional and verbal abuse from my wife before her diagnosis.
I carry this daily. I think of the family situation often because I live it. She is loads better but she is not 100%. I would say I am carrying about 30% of her load now. She still has major issues dealing with our little boy. I am forever grateful that I have him in Daycare 5 days a week now and am home with him nightly. She just can't deal with him and gets overwhelmed so easily by him. Sorry got of target again.
Drinking makes all this easier. It doesnt solve a damn thing, and I know this. When the house is quite after my son is in bed at 8, I can quite my brain and just forget. The biggest trouble I have alwasy had in my life is that I am a solver (I am an engineer by degree) so all these things in my head drive me nuts. It takes me 1 to 2 hours to fall asleep at night unless I have been driking (no joke on that number). I can take Lunesta, read a boring bood, whatever, my mind is a switch. I really wonder if I can stop drinking even with the Topa until I get some of these internal issues resolved.
I really feel lost. I want to be free of my demons, the pain in my heart, and yes you got it, alcohol. Here I am a 37 year old man feel like crying wishing I was a boy that could tell his Dad all this so we could work it out and get a big hug and know it would be ok.
I see a psychiatrist to get my Topa as my GP just wants to send me to Detox and be done with me. Long story and not worth the telling. Anyway... About a year ago I actually checked myself into a rehab center and did the group therapy sessions 4 nights a week for 3 hours at a time. I lasted 2 weeks and couldnt stand it any longer. I asked for a private pyschologist. To me everyone was just talking about alcohol. They werent talking about the why... also most of the folks in the group were so insanely messed up and basically on either work or court orders. I was the only volunteer. I am not judging them, it just wasnt right for me.
So anyway. I go to the psychologist. I start opening up about a lot of stuff I have never told anyone. She was a very nice lady and really prompted me to get it all out. She did her best to help but ya know there was nothing she said that really helped. We got to talking about family and my wife (of course a lot of the conversation was about drinking and why I was doing it). She asked if I would mind if my wife comes in and join a few sessions. I agree and think this will be great.
How do I put this ... I went from a good husband who is her caretaker at session one to a lazy bum that doesn't do anything and is just a drunk by session five and she does everything. On the last session my wife completely lost it, balling, screaming, the whole 9 yards. That is when the psychologist said to her that she needs to see a psychiatrist. I guess she had seen me enough and had weighed all that I had said and saw the changes in my wifes behavior that she knew something wasn't quite right.
Off the wifey goes and gets the diagnosis of Bi-Polar rapid cycling.
Yeeh friking haw.
You see, I say that in the most sarcastic way because while I had a lot of issues I was discussing with the psychologist about my past when I started talking about my wife it was like I opened pandoras box.
We have been together since 1999 and starting in 2004 things started rapidly going down hill in our relationship. During her pregancy I swear I was living with an alien. After our son was born I stopped being a man. I was nothing but the guy that earned a living and took mental and emothional abuse, so (un)naturally I developed a good drinking habit. (I take full responsibility for it by the way - not blaming anyone but myself - no one lifted those bottles to my lips but me).
She has been in treatment since January and things have greatly increased for the good in the household. There was a setback in late February when I had to check her in for wanting to commit suicide. She was in the pysch ward for a week and her Mom flew out to help for 3 weeks because I needed help with her and my son so I could continue to work. I am still the main caregiver to her and my son but she is managing much better.
Now you are probably wondering if you were able to read though the back groud what the heck am I getting at and where am I going with all this.
It boils down to this. I have tried the group therapy and I really just didnt feel like it was helpful. Nothing in my heart lightened my loads. My burdens remained the same. The psychologist was a very nice lady and listened very well but her suggestions just carried no wieght. I still feel the horrible things that happened to me when I was a boy, other things that happened in my family, and the pain of the emotional and verbal abuse from my wife before her diagnosis.
I carry this daily. I think of the family situation often because I live it. She is loads better but she is not 100%. I would say I am carrying about 30% of her load now. She still has major issues dealing with our little boy. I am forever grateful that I have him in Daycare 5 days a week now and am home with him nightly. She just can't deal with him and gets overwhelmed so easily by him. Sorry got of target again.
Drinking makes all this easier. It doesnt solve a damn thing, and I know this. When the house is quite after my son is in bed at 8, I can quite my brain and just forget. The biggest trouble I have alwasy had in my life is that I am a solver (I am an engineer by degree) so all these things in my head drive me nuts. It takes me 1 to 2 hours to fall asleep at night unless I have been driking (no joke on that number). I can take Lunesta, read a boring bood, whatever, my mind is a switch. I really wonder if I can stop drinking even with the Topa until I get some of these internal issues resolved.
I really feel lost. I want to be free of my demons, the pain in my heart, and yes you got it, alcohol. Here I am a 37 year old man feel like crying wishing I was a boy that could tell his Dad all this so we could work it out and get a big hug and know it would be ok.
zwink:
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