One Step at a Time - September 2017

[NoraC]

Re: One Step at a Time - September 2017

Liz & Bird - :hug: :hug:
Please, please, please stick close here. This isn't easy but it is so worth it. So grab on and hold tight.

I wish that I had the answer. But, it's different for everyone. I was looking thru my journal trying to find something that might help. But, I realize that these that I find so helpful might not resonate with you. I am going to share a couple in case it helps.

I do know that one of the big things for me was to pull out the awfulness of my last major drinking episode and play that back in my head. And sometimes even after remembering that awful night, I had to reach back in my brain and pull out a couple more. That helped me many times.
Another major thing is to stop and lay down the guilt. Let it go. It serves no purpose anymore. It happened...I regret it....I can't change it....I learned from it. I had to let it go to be able to move forward.

Never give up. Because that next Day 1 is going to be your last Day 1. :hug:

[NoraC]

Re: One Step at a Time - September 2017

Notes from my journal:

Here is one from our very own Rusty. I wish that I had dated it.

Thank you [MENTION=1214]Rusty[/MENTION] :hug:

Rusty:

Quote from Nora:
I am trying to venture out of my safe place here on the Steppers thread and reach out. I talked to my therapist on Saturday about it. I think a lot of my problem is that I stop numbing myself and then the old guilt comes out. Things I have done in the past. Things I wish that I hadn't done and things that I wished that I had done.

- Nora, I USED to do that, ALL the time when I was drinking heavily..and the problem is that the drinking CAUSES all that negativity to overwhelm you...I never realized it at the time, but with significant AF time under my belt...I don't do that anymore, and I'm so glad. It was WASTED time that served NO purpose other than to open OLD wounds and keep me trapped in a state of drinking. Did it accomplish anything? NO. More FORWARD with an AF life...one that won't punish you day after day. I already told the Army Thread you were going to pop over and say Hello! Tell them how you're feeling. The folks over there amazing!

[NoraC]

Re: One Step at a Time - September 2017

All I can say is that it has been a very long week. That is my only excuse

But, I just started to post I love the Army. :love: I really do - they are so wonderful & supportive.

But, I was going to say that I throb the Army. And that made me think of how much I miss tawnyfrog and the other Undies. I started to cry. :sad: Thank goodness that I have my Glassie here. :yay:

[NoraC]

Re: One Step at a Time - September 2017

Ktab - another special person to me but he probably doesn't realize it because I never told him. osteroops:

From KTAB -

Letting go.

Acceptance and denial seem to me to be key elements of moving on. How many of us have truly 100% accepted our alcoholism and let go of the niggling doubt that maybe somehow someday the clock could magically be turned back to a time when we were 'normal'?

As I see it, it is very simple, we have two choices, accept our problem, make the life changing changes necessary or continue to skirt the real issue. I have been clean now for a little while but a couple of weeks ago the friday night feeling hit and the thoughts of how nice a beer or two would be in the local and the cravings of course started. Two beers would have been nice and I am pretty sure I could have stopped at two but it would just have awoken the beast in me again and I would drink again the next day. Maybe its only me but food is somewhat similar, when I get in the mood for say a pizza or an indian meal and dont have it that night, the thought will sit there semi dormant but I will end up eating that food at some time over the next couple of days. I wonder if this is indicative of how the craving and reward centers of my brain are programmed.
Anyway I digress, I didnt drink on the friday but of course the thoughts werent far away and on saturday afternoon I was in the supermarket and found myself in front of the mountain of wine bottles, I picked one up and put it back down, I had allowed the thought to come to me 'hey about a bottle of wine to have with dinner?' I ran with it and then it came the 'maybe you should get two just in case' Then it hit me like a sledge hammer who was I kidding, this addiction wasnt going to go away, the alkie thinking was still there, the lying, the hiding the sneaky drinks were only a breath away. I stopped and bought a bottle of coke.

So I got to thinking about this, was there some part of me still clinging onto the idea that I can drink again? Obviously there is. So what do I do about it? I am back to the two choices, either I accept this or I dont. I believe it is very hard for us to accept that this is our life now and I think that is why so many here keep failing time after time, because they dont give it over totally, I am probably one of the biggest offenders.

If there is a big grey animal in the room with a tusk and a trunk it can only be an elephant. If I am still here posting on an alkie forum after nearly three years looking to help my problem drinking then I am an alcoholic, so if I am born 4 foot 6 with a one ear, green eyes and a big conk I cant change that can I? no more than I can change the fact of my alcoholism either but I can accept the fact. Ok, thats sorted, so without being over dramatic I can stop drinking or I can continue which would undoubtably take years off of my life and result in the quality of the years I have left a hollow shell of what they could be.

After true acceptance comes a sense of relief, a sense of peace and the first step on the path to gratitude for finding however we did the true escape and the right to lead a full and proper life without the ball and chain of AL chaffing the skin on our ankles.
Letting go sounds good to me, how about you?

[NoraC]

Re: One Step at a Time - September 2017

[MENTION=651]SKendall[/MENTION]
SK - I am so very, very sorry to hear about your ex-husband. I completely missed your post earlier. :hug: :hug: Please keep us posted. My prayers are with you & your family.

[NoraC]

Re: One Step at a Time - September 2017

Glassie - I am so relieved to hear that your heart thing isn't a biggie. Sounds like it is something though so please keep us posted young lady.
I can't believe how sick you are. You poor thing. You need someone there taking care of you. Follow all the instructions and get rest!
I know what you mean about being so lucky & blessed. I truly believe that. So many people with nothing.
But, the important thing is that you are doing such good in the world. I mean that with all my heart. You are making this a better world :heartbeat:

[NoraC]

Re: One Step at a Time - September 2017

I guess it's obvious that it's Friday night and I got my chatting fingers on. :rotlf:

I'm going to post an article I really like and then I'll stop. (I didn't say I'd stop for long though )

[NoraC]

Re: One Step at a Time - September 2017

I follow Belle - Tired of Thinking about Drinking. That line always struck me - Tired of Thinking about Drinking. That is where I was. It was always in my head. This is a couple paragraphs from the article and this is the link

Instructions on how NOT to be an ass while I’m learning to be sober.

Dear loved one who doesn’t get it,

I have a noise in my head that you can’t hear. I’m not crazy and I am not hallucinating. I’ve checked with others who have this same ‘Drink Now’ voice, and it turns out we all pretty much experience the same thing. We hear our regular thoughts AND a radio station broadcasting at the same time.
And the radio station? It’s saying: “Drink Now. Is there enough to drink? Will I get enough to drink? Did he have more than me? Is there enough alcohol? When is it time to drink? Did they notice how fast I drank that first glass?”
For me, honey, that voice will start — oh it could start at 10 a.m. — but it probably used to get rolling mid-afternoon and continued non-stop until I gave my head a glass of wine (is it 5 p.m. yet?).
.

[techie]

Re: One Step at a Time - September 2017

Wishing everyone has a great weekend. I am off to Philadelphia. Will catch up in a few days. xo

[Lizann]

Re: One Step at a Time - September 2017

I will address you all later. Things here have been beyond difficult. I am headed down to the beach with my sister just get a little space. Thank you all for your support

[Rusty]

Re: One Step at a Time - September 2017

Awww....sweet Liz....I will keep you close to me today and I will PM you later. Take all the space you need and want. We love you here and we WANT TO HELP!

[NoraC]

Re: One Step at a Time - September 2017

Happy Saturday!

Let's make this a day of LOVE and HEALING.

[NoraC]

Re: One Step at a Time - September 2017

Another one

11-21-13

Sunshine GG wrote something that could have been written by me. So, I am putting it here so I can remember that I'm not the only that feels this way:

Well, as I'm taking a good hard look at myself, my habits, my triggers, etc... I realize (again) that much of my drinking has to do with the fact that I don't 'talk'. I hate confrontation with a passion, I go out of my way to avoid it. So, I don't say what's on my mind (mostly in regards to my partner), keep everything inside, and when it finally gets too much, I drink myself into my own little world, where everything is good and well. Until I sober up. Then, it's the original sh*t plus guilt and grovelling. Smart move, kid.

[bird]

Re: One Step at a Time - September 2017

Hi all,
Nora, thank you for all of that. I email Belle almost everyday. I love her audios. I have been listening to her while driving home from work....I too miss the undie thread. What a wonderful bunch...kinda tired today. DD2 called and talked for awhile which was nice. Glad I wasn't drinking. Am very thankful to have a 3 day weekend...getting caught up on my reading and cleaning...sober weekend is my priority...I want to savor my time off....

[catch22]

Re: One Step at a Time - September 2017

Hi Bird , I can so relate to the weekend. I always use to find weekends, use to be hardest I don't know why, but I notice the more af days I had and months the weekend's just seems to be like another day. I never thought to myself that it could ever happened. Also birthdays , Christmas, New year, weddings & ect . I always use to say to myself if only I could get past a weekend, would be more important then a week day. But it does get easier the more sober weeks you have. Hope it helps x catch22 x