I am utterly devastated as my marriage is over. I fought so hard for it, but we couldn’t make it work. He had given me an ultimatum, 3 years and 4 months ago. That if I didn’t stop drinking he would leave me. But we never recovered from him shutting down on me because of my drinking.
We have had countless therapy sessions but I don’t believe he has ever forgiven me. He saw my drinking as a personal insult to him and something I should have conquered a long time ago. Easy, just don’t drink. So every time I fell off the wagon he saw it as an up yours moment, rather than the soul destroying compulsion that it was.
My first year in recovery was so damn hard, and he had no faith in me at all. Years 2 and 3 of sobriety were horrendous as we faced a whole new problem with his son, who had moved in with us. He made my life hell as we employed him too!! (Don’t ever employ family, be warned). It has been the most heart breaking experience ever. We have rowed so much over his son’s despicable behaviour, so much so that I started to leave home last year almost daily after screaming rows. I’d have to go back to the joint business the following day. Only to row again and I’d have to leave to protect my sobriety and mental health. It was so super tough having to walk past an off licence that was screaming at me to buy alcohol whilst falling apart inside. The rows have taken me to the edge of a nervous breakdown and have made me so ill. But I have clung to my sobriety, I’m responsible for that upkeep.
But I held strong and I haven’t had a drink in 3 years and 4 months, through all the tears and heart ache. And I absolutely will not be going back to day 1. NOTHING is worth losing my sobriety over. I have lost my home and now my business is hanging in limbo as ex-H is playing sh*tty. But I won’t drink at it.
So if you are struggling, or fantasizing about picking up a drink, please dredge up every ounce of strength you have and stop and think of the consequences. And trust me, it’s not worth it. Nothing about the vicious cycle will change until you decide you want to change it. You drink, you will get horribly drunk and life will be super crappy the following day in a hundred more ways. And that’s before you throw in the huge dose of guilt and self-loathing that’s a must.
So please, try to stay sober, just for today. It is an amazing feeling as the days rack up and your head clears. Yes it is hard work, but just play it out in your head.
How will it start? How will it end? How will I feel tomorrow? And you know all the answers, and none are happy endings.
I have such utter pride that I have faced the most difficult 3 years of my life whilst sober. No matter what it threw at me, or how much Al called to me. I was hallucinating seeing vodka bottles everywhere at one point, my head was screaming for a drink so badly. But I stood strong, as the outcome would have been predictably sh*t. And my marriage would of fallen apart anyway! Ha the irony.
So here I am facing a whole new chapter. I have moved into my new place, and there is no room here for Al to share with me. I have no idea what the future will bring, but I will face it head on with a clear head and proud to be sober.
We have had countless therapy sessions but I don’t believe he has ever forgiven me. He saw my drinking as a personal insult to him and something I should have conquered a long time ago. Easy, just don’t drink. So every time I fell off the wagon he saw it as an up yours moment, rather than the soul destroying compulsion that it was.
My first year in recovery was so damn hard, and he had no faith in me at all. Years 2 and 3 of sobriety were horrendous as we faced a whole new problem with his son, who had moved in with us. He made my life hell as we employed him too!! (Don’t ever employ family, be warned). It has been the most heart breaking experience ever. We have rowed so much over his son’s despicable behaviour, so much so that I started to leave home last year almost daily after screaming rows. I’d have to go back to the joint business the following day. Only to row again and I’d have to leave to protect my sobriety and mental health. It was so super tough having to walk past an off licence that was screaming at me to buy alcohol whilst falling apart inside. The rows have taken me to the edge of a nervous breakdown and have made me so ill. But I have clung to my sobriety, I’m responsible for that upkeep.
But I held strong and I haven’t had a drink in 3 years and 4 months, through all the tears and heart ache. And I absolutely will not be going back to day 1. NOTHING is worth losing my sobriety over. I have lost my home and now my business is hanging in limbo as ex-H is playing sh*tty. But I won’t drink at it.
So if you are struggling, or fantasizing about picking up a drink, please dredge up every ounce of strength you have and stop and think of the consequences. And trust me, it’s not worth it. Nothing about the vicious cycle will change until you decide you want to change it. You drink, you will get horribly drunk and life will be super crappy the following day in a hundred more ways. And that’s before you throw in the huge dose of guilt and self-loathing that’s a must.
So please, try to stay sober, just for today. It is an amazing feeling as the days rack up and your head clears. Yes it is hard work, but just play it out in your head.
How will it start? How will it end? How will I feel tomorrow? And you know all the answers, and none are happy endings.
I have such utter pride that I have faced the most difficult 3 years of my life whilst sober. No matter what it threw at me, or how much Al called to me. I was hallucinating seeing vodka bottles everywhere at one point, my head was screaming for a drink so badly. But I stood strong, as the outcome would have been predictably sh*t. And my marriage would of fallen apart anyway! Ha the irony.
So here I am facing a whole new chapter. I have moved into my new place, and there is no room here for Al to share with me. I have no idea what the future will bring, but I will face it head on with a clear head and proud to be sober.
sorry about the loss of your marriage but happy you've made it through without drinking, that's an amazing accomplishment
Thank you for taking the time to provide an incredibly painful but useful tool that might help other people here: how you put your sobriety first and didn't use your loss as a reason to drink! Would you feel comfortable putting it in the Toolbox so other new people here might be inspired by your courageous story? I've read it several times and I am amazed at your resolve. I've always been single so I don't actually KNOW what you are going through, but I just wanted to say I am here for you...as are the rest of us.:hug:
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