I feel terrible...

[Pisces]

I've had another slip up and I'm so sick of trying to fight this demon inside of me. A couple of weeks ago I saw the doctor and asked for help, he prescibed Campral and reffered me to a pshyciatrist and drug & alcohol counciller. I was feeling full of hope.

I'm still waiting to see the councillor but had my assessment with the psyc, and was diagnosed with PTSD, and was feeling hopeful again that with a name my problem was no longer a mystery, and was treatable.

But I've not stopped drinking, I feel like such a fraud, because a couple of times I've been on this site and have been drinking,

Friday night gave in to the demon and bought a cask of wine and sat up half the night drinking, the next morning was disgusted and poured the rest out, but that afternoon, ??????, went and got more and ended up drinking away the rest of the day, why did I do this?????

I feel so ashamed at myself, and just feel hopeless, I just want to cry and cry and cry.

I've gone from hopeful to hopeless, but I wont' give up trying to give up, I just wish there was some magical way to get rid of alcohol from my life for good.

I'm feeling very low at the moment, and in need of some encouragement.

Thanks, Jas

[NYCGirl]

I feel terrible...

Hi Jas,

I'm new to this site and don't really know your story yet, but since I am up right now in sort of the same position, I just felt like I needed to respond to your post. I can't really offer much advice (if I knew the answers...if we all knew the answers...I wouldn't be here myself). But just wanted to say that you are not alone. I also feel very alone tonight and keep asking myself why I do these things. But you should certainly know you are not alone. I feel your hurt and send my thoughts and wishes for peace out to you tonight.

Love,
NYCGirl

[irishlady]

I feel terrible...

Hi Jasmin,

I wish there was a pill I could give you and say, here, take this and you will never drink again, but there isn't... You have to have dedication, determination and the ability to get back up there and try again..

I have been AF now for over eight months, but, it took me ten years of trying and failing to get to this point in my life... Even now though I can't relax and think, well thats it, I've done it, I still have to work on it, perhaps not every hour and every day as I did in the beginning, but I am aware that my downfall could be just one glass of wine away..

Stick with it, don't give up giving up, one day things will click into place for you, most of all, keep on coming here for help and support, we have all been where you are right now so we understand how you are feeling...

A warm welcome to you NYCGirl, you are in the best possible place for help and support, hope to see more of you on the boards..

Take care, Love, Louise xxx

[rachel28]

I feel terrible...

jasmin, u have only just put a name to the ptsd , u have had a really hard time in life, u shud b so proud of yourself for coming so far, u have decided to change things, im sure counciller would tell u that its not going to happen overnight, an im sure no 1 expects u to, an im sure no 1 will judge u for slipping up, u have achieved so much more than i have as u have sought professianal help, to me you deserve a bloody good round of applause, i wish i could give you a big hug an tell u that your doin ok , please dont b down on yourself, im sure this only makes us all worse an drink more , u r an inspiration 2 me so smile 4 me just a little 1 xx

[ScoobyDoo]

I feel terrible...

Welcome NYC... you've just joined a fabulous forum!

Jas, you've been through a lot. Whether or not you realise it, each of these steps you are taking today (even just by coming and posting here) you are one step closer to your personal freedom from alcohol.

I think one of the most damning qualities (or lack thereof) of alcohol is the way it depresses you and leaves you feeling a nervous wreck. think back to how you felt a few weeks ago when you were abstaining... you sounded really cheery and happy. The alcohol is directly to blame and what's bringing you down and making you feel the way you are today.

Scoobs xo

[Guest]

I feel terrible...

Jasmin,
You have a lot to deal with in your life right now, so don`t go giving yourself a hard time.
Get all the help you can, from us, and from the medical profession, as we all need as much help as we can get.

Tell yourself you`re sooooooooo worth it, and start all over again. Plan `doable` goals for yourself, and you`ll be back on track in no time.

Take care,

Starlight Impress

[Guest]

I feel terrible...

Jas, I can't begin to tell you how many times I started with a plan to stop drinking ,just to fail. Scooby is right with every post with and positive step you do get closer. It so isn't easy,but the fact that you are still trying and not giving up means your not finished yet . You are not a fraud. You are most genuine. Keep trying my friend. Deep breaths and small steps
Hugs
Mar

[YoungAtHeart]

I feel terrible...

Hi Jasmin,

With both PTSD and with drinking, getting better is a very up and down process before you start getting it together on a more consistent basis. Even worse, we don't always even know right away what might cause a spiral into drinking and/or depression.

It's may take a number of times before you really figure it out. You have put so many things together in recent weeks. Drinking and posting isn't a failure. I've done it, too. It's mostly a problem if you get mean and ugly and start hurting other people, and I haven't seen that happen in your case. It does make for a lot of bleary-eyed editing, though....

We're all still here for you, honey. Yesterday is past. Just keep taking it one day at a time from today. And kudos to you on your honesty!

Hugs,:l
Kathy

[hablur]

I feel terrible...

Heya Jasmin,

I certainly understand where you are coming from but you shouldn't feel like a fraud. This is a struggle we all go through. Sometimes we have set backs and we are all here to cheer you through the rough patches.

Keep your head up and you will recover from this minor set back. Heck I don't really view it as a set back even as this is a full on war and you are still in the field with your army (us) and we will get 'er done!

Be kind to yourself!

[MDBiker]

I feel terrible...

Jas, the alcohol always makes us feel worse about everythng we do wrong. I only wish for you that you not quit. If you don't quit, you are still working towards quitting.
bear

[Pisces]

I feel terrible...

Thanks again everyone,

I'm feeling better today, and again determined not to get too down on myself and lose heart. Just can't wait for this fight to get a bit easier, even if it is never over.

I have changed my user name as lately I've been telling you all alot of really personal stuff, and with my name, well i've become a bit afraid of the wrong people looking and realising it's me, so now I'll just be Pisces, but it's still me Jas.

Lots and hugs to you all for your kindness, and I won't give up, June 18th the start of a new week, and a new sober me, I'm fighting for it!!!!

[rachel28]

I feel terrible...

HI PICES i think i spelt it wrong , im so glad u r bk an sounding happier, what time is it there?

[paula]

I feel terrible...

One step forward two steps back, that was me for a long time, then suddenly something
happened, not a magic pill or a magic wand, I literally woke up after a binge and thought
I can't do this any more. Gradually one day at a time I started to make small changes.
That was four months ago. and now I see myself improving on a daily basis. You will
too, keep reading and posting and asking for help and you will get it.
Best wishes Paula.

[MDBiker]

I feel terrible...

Paula, I too binged once too often and also made the "I Quit" decision. To me it was "I can't do this any more" thing and I decided even if I were put in a detox ward, I was going to quit. I had quit many times, but this time it was different.

Pisces, I am glad you are making progress.

Bear

[toughintexas]

I feel terrible...

Jas, I just posted I haven't been perfect either, it is the struggle....but being on here, with all the support, and just not knowing I'm the only person with this "battle" helps tons! The "morning after" always makes you feel just perfectly awful, did it yesterday myself...its a waste of personal time, talent, activity, you name it...and it makes you so anxious, its a poison, so its no wonder...Just get back up on the horse, and do the one hour, one day at a time baby steps...surely it will head us towards the right road! Drink some Gatorade, and take some supp's, and Emergen C....it'll be better, get a ziploc bag of crushed ice and a towel, and lay down and put it on your head, eyes, and take big deep breaths, and forget the "boo-boo" and just remember why you want to be a non-overindulger....lol....This too Shall Pass....lets just all try to not totally forget and be back again.....ugggggrrrrrhhhhhhh......