August Army Manoevres

[mollyka]

Re: August Army Manoevres

Aaahhh yes I did know that then - I thought it had all escalated recently - sorry - sure now you're not smoking i wouldn't even think about it - I'm sure that's not something to think about x

[JackieClaire]

Re: August Army Manoevres

Aaahhh yes I did know that then - I thought it had all escalated recently - sorry - sure now you're not smoking i wouldn't even think about it - I'm sure that's not something to think about x

I just have a wee inhaler with special stuff once a day that's doing the trick for now. That's the only meds I'm on now.

Lets talk about me new freezer..........I'm starting to sound like that woman in the Tesco queue talking about her ailments.

[mollyka]

Re: August Army Manoevres

I just have a wee inhaler with special stuff once a day that's doing the trick for now. That's the only meds I'm on now.

Lets talk about me new freezer..........I'm starting to sound like that woman in the Tesco queue talking about her ailments.

It's what happens when you retire - see it every day at work - have learnt not to say ' how are you ' to anyone over 65 you'll be grand when you go back to the job

[JackieClaire]

Re: August Army Manoevres

It's what happens when you retire - see it every day at work - have learnt not to say ' how are you ' to anyone over 65 you'll be grand when you go back to the job

Bring it on !!!!! :welldone:

Funny thing is I've lost a lot of weight.........and when I see people I haven't seen for a bit get...gawd you've got awful thin...........would you say to someone you hadn't seen for a while who'd but on a fair bit of weight.................gawd you've got awful fat?

I want to say.......I've got some highly contagious tropical disease and see how fast they run.

[RunningCourage]

Re: August Army Manoevres

Afternoon troops,
[MENTION=7008]JackieClaire[/MENTION] - ATmollyka (!) - [MENTION=18312]sweetpea29[/MENTION] - [MENTION=9094]satz123[/MENTION] ... here's a thing i noticed, and i'm very sure it goes for the rest of youse here - that thing about thinking of others, not necessarily before yourself, but how none of you are self-centred, but seem to be able to balance the need to look after yourself, with concern and work for others. I do think many peeps are so caught up in a me-world that they tend to forget that actually they are humans belonging to the human race where we are all working and carving our way through life. Whether it's victimhood, vanity, narcissism, or simple ignorance... it's important to know the importance of others and how we need them - no matter how misanthropic or hermit-like we may be.

I drove out west and found a route to run - way boggier and muddier than anticipated, despite having showered my toes are still reminiscent of a barefoot hippy at Woodstock - and it is so beautiful out here. And i love running the trails where there is few - or no, as was the case today - other blighter and it's like I can quietly (as quietly as I can while heavy breathing and sweating) spend time with the quiet noise of nature. But as I returned and considered if ever I could life out here - only an hour from where I am - I realised quite acutely that I could not. Or if I did, I would need to have a community around me, i.e. family/partner, or friends already there, or some other compelling reason. But to unsticks on a romanticised idea that the quiet life amid the mountains and lochs would be peaceful, i think would be a silly thing to do. Indeed the peace sought could, for me, quickly become loneliness.

As i ran back to the car, muddy and sweaty and near 3hours with no human contact, and passed a few local houses, I see 2 people and I think it almost doesn;t matter who they are, it is good to see them. Humans. People. As much as being alone for a short while is something I enjoy, one can't share the beauty of life/stuff/things/views/trees/skies/shit like that if we're not in contact with another.
IMG_0334.jpgIMG_1787.jpg

Here endeth this epistle :harhar:

[RunningCourage]

Re: August Army Manoevres

WARNING - ANOTHER FECKIN ARSEY EPISTLE :yikes1:

Also...

(back to me :haha

Mind couple of week backs I said a shift had happened. I honestly did not know how it would affect my relationship with AL - or with food, which can be - no, is an issue too.

And I think i have come to a way of thinking, or a decision, or something like that.

The 'shift' is an opportunity - it was painful, but very positive - but to really move on and grow, I think I need to ditch AL.

Because...

It goes like this:

23 years ago I was sexually abused and I have kept it hid from my folks all this time.
I think that is the reason 21 years ago I began having mental health issues – i.e. an eating disorder. I thought it took 7 years to get over, and 14 years ago it did shift.
But… already I had found something else to replace the disordered eating…
AL.
The better of two evils, as I saw it.
The way I controlled / abused food was almost like I could not process something, or would not allow myself to.
With AL it soothed the deep down, simmering feelings of … something unpleasant which I never sought to act upon.
Running – if I am to be honest – is both a positive (challenges of races; running trails and the views and nature) and a negative (I’d run to eat, less eat to run).
I had therapy 20 years ago – CBT – did not feel I got anything from it. Felt the therapist’s reason for my situation did not address something deeper. Yet I couldn’t identify it either.
I sought therapy again 5 years ago for sexual abuse – CBT, working on self-esteem – after a year I think I pushed the young therapist away, sessions just fizzled out (they were free, in person initially, but then via skype when she and I moved to different places), it just wasn’t working, I always had an answer to her thoughts/questions, I didn’t feel it was dealing with the abuse, but with the now. I think I needed both. (During this time I wasn’t drinking – when I was last here at MWO, 2012/13)

What happened 2 weeks ago was I told my folks.
So…
Is that it…?
Do I seek more counselling? Perhaps. Perhaps not.
But I sense I also need to work life more.
Run? Yes – but no marathons until 2019… so no hardcore training :haha:
Food. A work in progress. But the guilt of eating ‘banned’ foods is ironically appeased if I eat when having had a drink or 3. But I will consciously try to eat better, less restrictive, and experience what it is I feel when I eat more honestly – and this requires not imbibing AL.
AL. No. Because it doesn’t help with the food situation. And as a soother / avoider of dealing with feelings, I sense I need to face the feelings. Whatever they are. I just never let myself feel properly, perhaps. And the abuse of AL over most of the last 20 years has done, and can so easily become again, a habit. Further, it fucks with my metal well-being. Hangovers are not just a painful run to sweat it out, but guilt-strewn, self-demoralising, replete with thoughts of how not to do it again… And, in giving it up, I don’t have to feel shame (I’m giving up because I drink too much = SHAME, how must I be perceived!) in front of my folks, because I can say I can’t. I can’t drink because I used it to sooth deeply hidden pain and if I want to move forward I need things to change. In the 25 years I have imbibed AL, 19 of those I have abused it. That can’t change overnight.

I got a gift of some fine Jura Whisky from the school I left in May. ¾ of it drunk (I try to drink such gifts slowly!). On Thursday am, I consciously poured the rest of it down the sink. In the fridge was a bottle of Prosecco I got on finishing a 53miles race 2 and a half years ago. Should have drunk it the night I finished! But no kept it. Cos I’m not a fan at all of Prosecco, but couldn’t dare get rid of it! Nearly 11 hours non-stop running earned me that! Having downed the whisky down the sink, I meditated for 10minutes. Then, without really thinking about it, I popped open the Prosecco and poured it down the sink. The bottle may make a nice candle holder.

I don’t want to do days, targets. I just want to get over all the above – and this includes my relationship with AL. I think it may be easier just to say I don’t drink.

It’s almost like, I’m done with struggling: with food, with uncomfortable feelings, with my history, with how I view myself (a sort of self-loathing narcissus :haha, with AL.

I am putting this out there, Army, so you know where I am.

[sweetpea29]

Re: August Army Manoevres

Yo, afternoon all,

Arsey, wow just wow:hug: What courage you have to put this all out here. Full of admiration here.

I'm glad you have put this 'out there'. Hope you have got at least some sense of relief from doing so and also some sense of pride for doing so x

Wish I could impart words of wisdom that could guide you but I've only got a basic laymans knowledge of these things.

Would imagine that opening up and being honest, whether to your folks, to us, to a counsellor and most importantly to yourself is the first big step. You are fully aware of why you do things, be it drink, run, eat or not, loathe yourself, you know the root cause.

I do hope that you can seek and get more help/guidance from someone with proper knowledge, skills and experience in the area of abuse. Someone who can help you to accept that this past event cannot define who or what you are. That you are most certainly not to blame. That you are worthy of love and respect especially from yourself. Cos ya know Arsey? you are more than that, you are a worthy, beautiful human being. That may sound cheesy but it's bloody true!

All the other stuff i.e. The drinking, eating, running, self bashing, are about control to some extent so in my lay womans head I would say forget so much about putting yourself under pressure to 'fix' them right now. Tackling the root cause should be the priority.
Of course tho we know the damage alcohol can do to ones self-esteem/thought processes so if you can abstain do, if however, you can't that's still ok. Don't use it to beat yourself up.

Just in after 6.5 hrs of digging in my clay soil filled back garden. Need to bathe and hopefully will be more able to feel my feet/hands and less able to feel the lower back! Will be back x

Hey everyone else x

[mollyka]

Re: August Army Manoevres

Hi Sweetster! good on the digging

Well lovely Arsey - I feel it is wonderful that you have opened up about the abuse in the past - as they say in AA - we are as sick as our deepest secret - and as long as its a secret - you have to deal with it ALONE - every bit as alone as you would be living out where you were running...the percentage of people in the treatment centre who either never mentioned their previous sexual/mental/physical abuse until the last 3 days of the month or indeed not at all was so high - and too late really for the counsellors to properly deal with it - anyone who opened up about anything from the get-go had such an advantage - Oney gave me advice from her Dad when |I was going there - her Dad had been in the same place - he said to open up and be honest straight away - waste no time - today and last week with your folks - what a shift alright - it is fantastic -- NOW you can - and WILL deal with it...I am not wise or informed enough to advise you on how to learn to deal with it - but if |I try and put myself in your shoes - \I would need to remember that I was abused - not the abuser... can you imagine the shame of that if you ever faced up to what you had done to someone?

\You have done nothing wrong - but you're allowing that person to win up to now -- NOW you can make that stop -- |I bet you there are others with advice on this site who've been through similar.. \I also know that an eating disorder needs as much attention as a drinking disorder - but they often go hand in hand -- also saw that in the centre.
Well done young man - so fecking proud of you xxxxx

[satz123]

Re: August Army Manoevres

D'Arseyarse - :hug:
I can't say any more than the two ladies before me. I am thrilled you have told your parents about the abuse ..... they needed to be told and you needed to tell them.
How did they react ?

[JackieClaire]

Re: August Army Manoevres

[MENTION=18049]RunningCourage[/MENTION]...........what an incredible young man you are. I feel privileged that you chose to share with us. Thank you.
I've no advice either but I do feel you've taken a huge step today.

[RunningCourage]

Re: August Army Manoevres

Thank you all for your words - VERY much appreciated.

D'Arseyarse - :hug:
I can't say any more than the two ladies before me. I am thrilled you have told your parents about the abuse ..... they needed to be told and you needed to tell them.
How did they react ?

They were great. Let me let it all out. No judgement. My fears of telling them - of hurting them, esp' my dad - were completely unfounded. I'm sure they are hurt that their son was hurt, but not in a debilitating way, if that makes sense. Let the healing commence.

Pooped. Off to leaba with a book.

Thanks again army peeps :hug:

[sweetpea29]

Re: August Army Manoevres

Hey folks

Well the bath lasted longer than it prob should've then had to eat and snooze. Now time for proper snnozeville!
Never will learn that digging is not very kind to my physical being, love being out in the muck doing it but but it leaves the ol body worn out. Just watched documentary about Sylvia Plath, tbh I knew very little of her but this has sparked an interest.

Apologies if I offered too much advice above Arsey on topics of which I know little. Often in my quest to help I can cause more harm. Hope you're doing ok over there x

Hope all you ladies are doing well too?

Mary are you for running Dublin marathon with a group or alone. Honestly think it's amazing!

Daddy down in brothers for weekend, heading to Croke Park tomorrow they are, so I've got some time to devote to my place here and me. Sanity may be a tad questionable that I spend me time literally stuck in feckin clay but no matter!
baby bro and partner are coming from London tomorrow so I need to divert attention and get inside of house presentable before they land.

Nighters all x

[sweetpea29]

Re: August Army Manoevres

Thank you all for your words - VERY much appreciated.



They were great. Let me let it all out. No judgement. My fears of telling them - of hurting them, esp' my dad - were completely unfounded. I'm sure they are hurt that their son was hurt, but not in a debilitating way, if that makes sense. Let the healing commence.

Pooped. Off to leaba with a book.

Thanks again army peeps :hug:

Hear hear. Let the healing commence Mr D'Arsey:hug:

Oiche mhaith x

[JackieClaire]

Re: August Army Manoevres

Let the healing commence.

:heartbeat:

[mollyka]

Re: August Army Manoevres

Morning all! Hoping for a peaceful one today - had the whole tribe here yesterday so yeah today hoping to even get rid of himself on his bike!!!