August Army Manoevres

[mollyka]

Re: August Army Manoevres

I've just remembered the name of the S&H's football team...........under 11s.............Lemington Sparks.......never won a game in a whole season. Biggest defeat 17-nil. He was the goalkeeper and got substtituted at half time............he was soooooooo proud of the fact that he only let in 6 of the 17.

One of my favourite little boy football stories was my youngest, little yokes of about 8 almost still sucking their thumbs bless them - they were losing something like 19 nil when thankfully the final whistle blew -- little critters in green run up to their trainer --- 'DID WE WIN?' -- OH and the other one when all 22 players running up the pitch so EARNESTLY after the ball only to turn heel and run all the way back - next thing a train goes by -- each and every one of them just stopped -- and waved -- how I would LOVE to have a video of that!!! happy days

[JackieClaire]

Re: August Army Manoevres

One of my favourite little boy football stories was my youngest, little yokes of about 8 almost still sucking their thumbs bless them - they were losing something like 19 nil when thankfully the final whistle blew -- little critters in green run up to their trainer --- 'DID WE WIN?' -- OH and the other one when all 22 players running up the pitch so EARNESTLY after the ball only to turn heel and run all the way back - next thing a train goes by -- each and every one of them just stopped -- and waved -- how I would LOVE to have a video of that!!! happy days

Ahhhhhhhhh bless them that's just warmed the cockles of my heart.

[satz123]

Re: August Army Manoevres

Satz- in a way I feel sorry for YS. Remembering that turmoil, hating the fact that you kept repeating the very behaviour that you know is not good for you. I'd imagine he must be so ashamed too,in that ,you and MrS are witness to it all.

[MENTION=18312]sweetpea29[/MENTION] - what is , in your opinion as a young 'un ,the best for me to do ?

Ignore him - talk to him ( tired of that) ... lose my temper (tired of that )
I know he feels such shame next day but not enough to stop ..... he says it makes him actually worse ....

The job is gone - he is currently lying in bed ......

[mollyka]

Re: August Army Manoevres

[MENTION=18312]sweetpea29[/MENTION] - what is , in your opinion as a young 'un ,the best for me to do ?

Ignore him - talk to him ( tired of that) ... lose my temper (tired of that )
I know he feels such shame next day but not enough to stop ..... he says it makes him actually worse ....

The job is gone - he is currently lying in bed ......

I know you're asking WeePea and you're dead right cos she's of an age with him - just a thought tho -- for you - and MrS -- would you not think of getting a bit of help for yourselves - either contact the treatment centre - the previous one in Dublin even - and ask to speak to a counsellor about how to progress (tho they'll probably just try and nab him in for another wodge of money) - or go to an Al-Anon meeting - Joe didn't get much out of it - but then - I wasn't drinking - he did say at the time that if we went back to those days he would deffo go again

[satz123]

Re: August Army Manoevres

Thanks Molls - I appreciate all advice and know this saga is getting very boring ......
I think I will have to go to something. MrS says he's not going ...... so I'll end up having to coach HIM too - and the thought just makes me weary.
I think the previous place in Dublin does one at night....

I had to do sessions at the time he was in treatment - so I was there every week and he was off drinking FFS.....
I'll go check what's available...
My health insurance has introduced 6 counselling sessions free from renewal in October - so I will avail of that deffo.

[mollyka]

Re: August Army Manoevres

I think it's a good idea - it's YOU that needs help - pity MrS won't go - but so be it - you can't make him I s'pose - the 'saga' as you call it is not boring - it's addiction on legs - being totally selfish it's good for each and every one of us here to know what we could face... my heart goes out to you sweetheart - and please PLEASE don't feel you can't come here - for all we are worth - LittlePea and Arsey and Mary maybe - representing the younger generation may be able to impart some wisdom that we are just too remote from with age.... CHRIST I'm not THAT old:applouse:
Keep talking - it's important

[mollyka]

Re: August Army Manoevres

OH -- one thing I just thought of - maybe said it before - but I do remember advice given to a 'concerned other' (that's what the partner of the addict was called) at Aftercare - words said over and over and over can come out as nagging - also we rarely say exactly what we mean in that moment - how often do we say after the event - 'I wish I'd said that at the time' -- compose a letter to him - tell it as YOU see it - how it affects you - and the family - and where his life is going - EVERYTHING -- warts and all - it's far too late to be kind or thoughtful --- tell him your sadness, your feeling of complete helplessness -- etc etc etc -- because it's a letter it can be as long as you like - read it 20 times before you give it - and when you are happy that you have said everything - and give him socks - then put it on his bed when he's out -
You don't need to mention it again - just let him digest it - let him be angry - sad - whatever -

What you think?

edit ; make sure everything is fair -- totally fair - an addict will pick out the TEENCHIEST mistake and dwell on that - and the wrong you have done him - like a lad in treatment howled to a counsellor that a legal letter from his ex-wife was at least '50% WRONG' -- and she gently pointed out that that meant it was 50% RIGHT

[sweetpea29]

Re: August Army Manoevres

[MENTION=18312]sweetpea29[/MENTION] - what is , in your opinion as a young 'un ,the best for me to do ?

Ignore him - talk to him ( tired of that) ... lose my temper (tired of that )
I know he feels such shame next day but not enough to stop ..... he says it makes him actually worse ....

The job is gone - he is currently lying in bed ......

Ah Satz my heart is breaking for you all x Truely is x

In a way I think I was different, I hated my drinking and how it made me feel, yet I kept on doing it. I witnessed first hand the end results of a lifetime drinking in the extended family. Suicide, falls resulting in brain injury, and shame/disgrace. As much as I wanted to drink I didn't wanna end up in that place.
Do youse mind me saying how I wanted to be challenged? I really wanted my Daddy to say something-thought that would shake me up. He said nothing -really prob didn't notice the extent! The brother did say something. Deep down in my heart I knew it was down to me to act, to change. Down to me to take responsibility as D'Arsey says. No one in my family/friend circle could fix it for me. Honestly believe if I hadn't of found this site and lurked and read, things would be totally different. This place gave me hope, and ideas and tools and so much more. He did try here before?

What can you do? ....... Satz, it sounds like you have tried and done everything and more. As a Mother you want to protect and fix all that's wrong for your young. That is natural and especially so for the Irish Mother imho. You can do more more, it is down to YS now. Maybe he just hasn't got to that 'bottom' yet,who knows. Every one of us ended up here for our own reasons and at different levels of bottom if that makes sense?! What does he say about it all? What does he want to do? Does he admit he has an issue?

What you can do tho is protect yourself and get support for you. That is most important.As Molls says, somewhere like Al-anon- not sure of what services are there tbh for families. Talk here if it helps x Please talk here.
Molls' idea there of a letter to him -that would be brilliant.

[sweetpea29]

Re: August Army Manoevres

Going up to Norn Iron today to shop with Jilly and baba - sad to think that it may be the last time that we can freely cross the border -- travesty

:sad: are you for Newry Molls? Was there yesterday myself!

Know we don't discuss politics here but it's something I've a huge interest in and since that referendum my heart has been broke. My family and friends are spread across this island. 2 Granny's born over the 'border' before it even existed. I remember being stopped at 'customs' many, many times in past just going to visit family. The thought of any of that happening again is unimaginable:sad:

[satz123]

Re: August Army Manoevres

representing the younger generation may be able to impart some wisdom that we are just too remote from with age.... CHRIST I'm not THAT old:applouse:
Keep talking - it's important

GIVE OVER !!! you are only a young wan :hug:
All I've learned is from you & Jacks over the last 6 years ............

[satz123]

Re: August Army Manoevres

:sad: are you for Newry Molls? Was there yesterday myself!

Know we don't discuss politics here but it's something I've a huge interest in and since that referendum my heart has been broke. My family and friends are spread across this island. 2 Granny's born over the 'border' before it even existed. I remember being stopped at 'customs' many, many times in past just going to visit family. The thought of any of that happening again is unimaginable:sad:

:hug::hug:

[sweetpea29]

Re: August Army Manoevres

Good morning/afternoon to everyone btw!

The marigolds are out and I is ready to get scrubbing. Need to find a way to secrete junk out of Fathers house without him noticing! Wish me luck!

[satz123]

Re: August Army Manoevres

What can you do? ....... Satz, it sounds like you have tried and done everything and more. As a Mother you want to protect and fix all that's wrong for your young. That is natural and especially so for the Irish Mother imho. You can do more more, it is down to YS now. Maybe he just hasn't got to that 'bottom' yet,who knows. Every one of us ended up here for our own reasons and at different levels of bottom if that makes sense?! What does he say about it all? What does he want to do? Does he admit he has an issue?
Molls' idea there of a letter to him -that would be brilliant.

Thanks Piddlepie...... I agree - MWO saved me too.
I am gone beyond protecting him Sweets - I'm sick of him.
He says he hates drinking but I then sometimes think he will say what he wants me to hear. He'll say yes he has a problem - but usually when he has a hangover & everyone is upset with him.
And if I'm truthful I am more upset that he is messing up our lives by living here. If he left - I would not shed a tear - that is what he has done. He is now just a black cloud that hovers over the house constantly.

[sweetpea29]

Re: August Army Manoevres

Thanks Piddlepie...... I agree - MWO saved me too.
I am gone beyond protecting him Sweets - I'm sick of him.
He says he hates drinking but I then sometimes think he will say what he wants me to hear. He'll say yes he has a problem - but usually when he has a hangover & everyone is upset with him.
And if I'm truthful I am more upset that he is messing up our lives by living here. If he left - I would not shed a tear - that is what he has done. He is now just a black cloud that hovers over the house constantly.

Was gonna suggest but then this is tough.....is it an option to put him out? Or even threaten to.....
Don't think I could do it tbh- would just be as miserable worrying and wondering where he was.

Write that letter anyhows, think it would be beneficial to YOU xx

[satz123]

Re: August Army Manoevres

OH -- one thing I just thought of - maybe said it before - but I do remember advice given to a 'concerned other' (that's what the partner of the addict was called) at Aftercare - words said over and over and over can come out as nagging - also we rarely say exactly what we mean in that moment - how often do we say after the event - 'I wish I'd said that at the time' -- compose a letter to him - tell it as YOU see it - how it affects you - and the family - and where his life is going - EVERYTHING -- warts and all - it's far too late to be kind or thoughtful --- tell him your sadness, your feeling of complete helplessness -- etc etc etc -- because it's a letter it can be as long as you like - read it 20 times before you give it - and when you are happy that you have said everything - and give him socks - then put it on his bed when he's out -
You don't need to mention it again - just let him digest it - let him be angry - sad - whatever -

edit ; make sure everything is fair -- totally fair - an addict will pick out the TEENCHIEST mistake and dwell on that - and the wrong you have done him - like a lad in treatment howled to a counsellor that a legal letter from his ex-wife was at least '50% WRONG' -- and she gently pointed out that that meant it was 50% RIGHT

Thanks Molls
With regard to the letter - I have on many occasion sent the equivalent - an email - telling him how it is affecting us - but I think he is so low now - it'd be like kicking a puppy !
We have been really brutally honest with him me, his sister Mr S in a shouty way.
I am truly afraid sometimes that he now has nothing left - he may harm himself as a last resort. That will stop me throwing him out every time.

Edit : But I will try again to put in words what he is doing to US.

Calling out all that he has lost - would that be counterproductive ?.

e.g. 37 living at home : in court for drunk driving in 2 weeks : no job : no girlfriend : no real friends : a liver that must be compromised. A mother who hates coming home from work. A father that appears to really dislike him.
But he knows all of this. He drinks to forget all this I suspect - and 'round and 'round we go.