United Nations of MWO

[abcowboy]

I’m like JC [MENTION=20191]Pavati[/MENTION], stay away from anything alcohol related! No rum and butter sauce, no wine dishes, and if the recipe calls for alcohol, I look for a new recipe or change meal choices all together.

[JackieClaire]

Re: United Nations of MWO

Said I'd be back.

I need to come to grips with this guilt thing about what I put people through while I was drinking and trying to make amends for them. I know I've been doing a lot of things that don't really sit well with me, that don't make me happy, but I do them I think because of the guilt I still carry over my being a drunk. Did any of you feel the same way? And sometimes when I do stand up for what I think, I get the usual "well it wasn't easy living with an alcoholic" reply. Maybe I'm making more out of this than there really is, maybe I'm just being selfish, and maybe it's time to go see my counsellor again...

Everyday we are sober we are making amends to our loved ones.

I had the exact "well it wasn't easy living with an alcoholic" from Mr JC. It ended up with the humdinger row of our marriage.........it would have been about the 3 year plus mark. I'd been bending over backwards making 'amends' and I was so tired so very tired of it. So we talked and then talked some more. He was frightened/anxious/afraid that I might go back to the bottle and I had to reassure him over and over again that while I had breath in my body I would do anything to keep my quit...........I had to tell him that there were times that because of this there were drinking occasions I would not go to or if it was unavoidable I'd be leaving early and its worked.

I do know of relationships that have broken down when one gets sober and the other is still expecting the same social life......nothing will change.

Its like having children........we say they're not going to change our lifestyle .........how naive are we? It is life changing and in my case changed for the better. Had I carried on drinking I doubt my marriage would have survived.

[sunshine_gg]

Re: United Nations of MWO

JC... hitting the nail on the head, as usual

Mind you, sometimes, when one sobers up, one changes and the relationship either cannot withstand it, or the changes are so profound that the relationship is no longer what the sober-upper wants. Such was my case.
I'm ok with that.

I can also relate to the guilt-related never-ending amends-making. It went even farther for me.. because of the guilt I was feeling, I didn't feel I deserved better or had the right to demand to be treated with respect.

[abcowboy]

Thanks for the input and your thoughts ladies, I've contemplated what everyone has said and mulled it around in my mind trying to decide what I should do. I posted this in the Café this morning,

The situation I'm going through right now with Bubba and family is testing my sobriety like never before. I know I'll get through it without drinking because yesterday I decided that I've said all I can say about what I think should be done. I've come to realize that I can harp all I want, but I can't change anyone's mind anymore than they can change mine. So it's time to just let it go, stand firm in what I want for me, and let the rest be decided however it will.

No more hanging back and feeling guilty anymore, my sobriety is more important to me than some trivial family matters...

[Pavati]

Re: United Nations of MWO

Hi, all:

Glad to see you pop in, Sunny. Thanks for the wisdom, JC. That is truth I haven't really faced - even after almost 5 years. Of course those relationships have changed.

I have a friend who is 1.5 years sober and getting separated right now. She was tolerating a situation that she shouldn't have been, but lacked the confidence and the clarity to see that. It is a very difficult situation, but absolutely the right one for both of them.

Hope you get this worked out, ABCowboy.

Pav

[abcowboy]

And there's an enormous element of 'not as bad as' on this forum -- and 'functional'??? wtf does that mean? I didn't lose my job my family never got arrested got a drink driving yada yada -- was I functional ?? fuck no - the very FIRST time I supped the extra out of the glass in the kitchen before I brought the glasses into the sitting room - that's when I lost my 'functional' label - certainly supping out of a cupboard?? come on!! Mary talks of escalation - believe you me you will escalate if you are happy enough for now being 'functional' -- but you see -- if you were face to face -- this would be very very clear!!!!!

And now what I must do is disappear to work and mind my OWN business - but to whoever this applies to around the boards - please please realise this is not a bit of a bother this alcoholism - this is very very serious - not to be toyed with - not to be 'oh I'll just drink this week cos I'm on holidays/I'm sad/I'm any shagging thing in the whole wide world' - this is an insurmountable 'disease' to so many people that may NEVER EVER find recovery - do not play with this - it is reckless at best and potentially fatal at worst - that is not overstating the case - and even the longest long-termers here on MWO would be considered newbies in AA - so not one person here is secure - don't forget it - EVER -- and now yes - I will mind my own business

I saved these posts of Molly’s in a document on my phone so that I could read them when I got thinking about drinking, or found myself being too sure in my quit. There is so much truth in these posts that they really hit home to me.

I used to think I was a “functional drunk”, but what is a functional drunk anyway? How can anyone function properly when they’re drunk or been drinking. I thought I could, do my work and do it just as good while I was drinking beer the whole time, what a laugh that was. Just like I thought I could drive just as good after I had been drinking! I’m just lucky I wasn’t ever stopped, or in an accident, or worse yet hurt or killed someone.

When I get to thinking I’m pretty secure in my quit, I read the second part of this quote, and I read the posts of those who relapsed, or who are still struggling, and use them to get my feet back on the ground. I can never be 100% sure that I’ll remain sober, but I can try and prepare myself for situations that can and will test my sobriety.

We’ve celebrated quite a few sober birthdays this past little while, and there’s quite a bunch more coming up. Great achievements for all of us, showing us that long term sobriety is possible. But it’s not a guarantee, after all, we’re just one drink away from being a drunk again….

There are times when I miss Molly and her brutal truths...

[stirly-girly]

Re: United Nations of MWO

I used to think I was a “functional drunk”, but what is a functional drunk anyway? How can anyone function properly when they’re drunk or been drinking. I thought I could, do my work and do it just as good while I was drinking beer the whole time, what a laugh that was. Just like I thought I could drive just as good after I had been drinking! I’m just lucky I wasn’t ever stopped, or in an accident, or worse yet hurt or killed someone.

[MENTION=21602]abcowboy[/MENTION] - I have seen the term "functional alcoholic" used on this forum many, many times over the years and every single time I had the same thought - How functional? Because I "functioned" too, but only partly because from the minute I got up in the morning my mind was filled with drinking thoughts - how many hours til I could have my first drink of the day, what store would I buy my bottle from today, did Mr. Stirly notice anything last night - did anyone see that slight stumble, did I smell of AL when I leaned over to kiss my boy - the thoughts went on and on. I did my job mechanically and played the role of wife and mother mechanically. I was existing but not living. Then of course, when it finally got to the time that I could have the first drink of the day - about 9pm - after that, it was just me and AL. Functional my arse!! I wasn't there for my kids every time I should have been, my marriage was falling apart and I didn't care - I just blotted it out every night with AL then got up the next day and went through the motions all over again. Functioning at doing nothing to get my life back on track and find myself again in all the chaos of being an active alcoholic - not a functional one at all.

[abcowboy]

You're spot on with your explanation Stirly! I wonder if "functional drunk" was a term made up by alcoholics to convince themselves that as long as they performed the normal routines of life then the drinking wasn't interfering. But how could it not interfere if all our thoughts were centered around drinking!

[Slo]

Re: United Nations of MWO

I loved this post from Molly too. There is a lot of gritty truth in it, and a good warning to all of us.

But, I didn’t know it would be her last post! She must’ve been really upset with us relapse-ers!

What I will take from it is, I am grateful that I am one of the lucky ones who is getting out! And I must keep this quit because, as many say here, I might not have another quit left in me. So no more fooling around with trying to moderate or “just this once, then I’ll go back to quitting”.

I wish Molly would quit minding her own business and come back...