One Step at a Time - April 2019

[Rusty]

Re: One Step at a Time - April 2019

Hello!

Well, Mom found her slippers! The cleaning lady had shoved them WAYYYY under a chair. Why would she do that??? How dumb!
[MENTION=19302]Lizann[/MENTION], Liz:heartbeat: You are a fantastic woman, strong, and a wonderful friend....AND.... I am going to give you my best advice in dealing with your sister. You have every right to feel emotional because you have worked SO hard at your sobriety. She needs a kick in the butt. I know she's upset about her daughter moving out and I think she secretly is jealous of your kids and how well they have turned out...but that's a different story. I will stick to the problem at hand. I would SPEAK UP and tell her, FIRMLY...."Do you realize that I have been sober well over a year?????? I guess you didn't notice. I do NOT need a babysitter!!" The fact that hubby didn't mention it to you means he trusts you.:welldone: Sometimes I really think your TS tries to set you up to fail out of jealousy. My SIL tries to do it to me and my sister all the time. This BS with your TS has gone on too long and it's time for it to end ASAP! Love you.

[Rusty]

Re: One Step at a Time - April 2019

Pauly-excellent post and thanks, hon!:heartbeat:

You know I hate that just because someone had issues with alcohol or drugs in the past has to be a "thing" attached to them for the rest of their lives,ugh,I know our families love us but jeez drop it ya know? A few Easter's ago Kell accused me of drinking when I wasn't,I got mad and defended myself but then a week later drank over being frustrated and feeling like people don't trust me,I just don't like scrutiny it annoys me bad,Rusty, congrats on the new clients!!! Yay!

[paulywogg]

Re: One Step at a Time - April 2019

X-post Rusty,glad your mom found her slippers,now only to find the missing meds,funny we both feel the same about Liz's situation with her sis,no Liz you don't need a babysitter at all,you're doing fabulous on your own

[Rusty]

Re: One Step at a Time - April 2019

I have decided that we all need to take Fridays off like [MENTION=17650]paulywogg[/MENTION], Pauly so then we will have a valuable dialogue that might help other people. :-)
[MENTION=19302]Lizann[/MENTION], I really think this has more to do with your niece than your sister will admit to you. She probably feels like she failed as a mother because her daughter is marrying someone she met online and they share an addiction (Fort Nite). Not one of your children has an addiction. They love to be together...they love being with you and hubs. She thinks she failed at saving her daughter so now she wants to say she saved you. That's what my addiction therapist said about my SIL. She could not get her mother, sister, and brother to stop drinking and drugging so she thought she could save me.

Also, I wanted to add that you might REMIND TS of the fact that you endured 1) Mark moving to the UK, 2) Dad passing away 3) Lucy's passing WITHOUT drinking. I seriously think she's been so worried about her daughter that she hasn't noticed that you have been sober for over a year.

I also wanted to mention that the main reason I didn't want my clients, friends, etc. to know the extent of my drinking because I was truly afraid on the rare occasion that I was honestly sick and could not make a commitment, that I did not want people to immediately think, "Oh, Rusty, must have fallen off the wagon and she's hungover and that's why she isn't here."

[paulywogg]

Re: One Step at a Time - April 2019

Yep Rusty,we have 2 women at work who either had or still have a problem with alcohol (other than me) and everytime they call in sick it's always assumed they're drinkin or hungover,that's why I said I hate that it's always a thing.Look at celebrities with past addiction problems,they may have been sober for YEARS bit it's always brought up even if it has nothing to do with what the news about them is at the time

[bird]

Re: One Step at a Time - April 2019

Hi all,
Went to a thing at the philosophy dept, kids reading their research. Today is the last day of classes, next finals. Dd2s car trunk keeps opening on its own, car is only 2 years old, I kinda think it might be the key but will take it to the shop and see what they say.....Paulie, I thought I should go see my mom too, she is my mom after all and I would not be here without her. But when I got to thinking about it she has not called me in years or ever asked me anything about myself. And the times I did visit she got mad at my kids. I have written and called and tried but...oh well, so I don't feel too bad about it..sorry about the nasacort, I hate taking pills, they always cause me problems.....Glassie, sorry your endo didn't turn up anything new......Nora, I didn't see that about the grand canyon, but I bet it has happened so much......Rusty, I am excited you are going to Australia! Hope you can meet some of our undie friends!.....Liz, that would piss me off so much. Maybe hubs knew it would upset you. I kinda agree with Rustys take on it. I had a friend like that, used to say all kinda stuff to me that made me angry, I believe she was jealous that my kids were doing well and hers all dropped out of school. Used to say horrible things to me about my girls and myself and act as if it were a joke. She had read something once about Tlingit Indians having a hard time with alcohol abuse. I am Tlingit and she knew it. She started calling her hub and kids little tlingits because they all drank so much. Stuff like that....anyway...

[NoraC]

Re: One Step at a Time - April 2019

Liz - I read your post while I was at work and I have been thinking about it ever since. To be honest, my first response was complete outrage - in my mind I was standing there staring at your sister with my mouth open, my hand on my hip and stomping my foot.
This whole post is just my opinion of course.
I think you need to talk to her about this for the sake of your relationship. I know how close you are and this is like an elephant in the room because of her.
I would talk to her in the near future and tell her how she makes you feel. (If it were me I would e-mail because I'm not good at words. Ha ha) Tell her that you thank her for her support but......you are not the same person you were over a year ago. Things happened in the past and it is over and done with. They can't be changed but you have changed. You can no longer feel guilty.
Stop asking if you are going to be 'ok'. Tell her that you'll be 'ok' just like you've been ok for over a year. Tell her that continuing to ask that diminishes where you are now and how hard you worked to be there.
That you are proud of your accomplishment and hurt that she continues to bring up the past. I would be honest about this - you don't appreciate the remarks, you don't appreciate her going behind your back and most of all you don't appreciate her always waiting for you to take another drink.

[NoraC]

Re: One Step at a Time - April 2019

Good conversation today. I think we have to limit how long we are going to continue to feel guilty about the past drinking. It's frustrating.

Glassie - I am so sorry that they didn't find an answer to your problems. I was sad to hear that you are so sick again.

Rusty - wow, you are going to have a client in Australia?????? How often will you have to travel there? Exciting!!!!

Pauly - you are so right about the drugs/alcohol being the thing that is brought up after years of sobriety.

Bird - how weird is that the trunk keeps opening. I don't have one of those key doohickies so never thought about that. That is really screwed of your friend to call her kids little tlingits. That is really a rotten thing to do.

My brother is still in Oregon finishing everything up with the house so we can rent it. He sent me a text - he found our parents marriage license!

[paulywogg]

Re: One Step at a Time - April 2019

Morning friends,Bird,yes your friend was rude jeez Nora, excellent post,I don't have a key doodad either and was floored when our rental car had one I was like wtf is this?!? I was trying to say yesterday that one of my personal reasons for being sober is to rebuild trust with people around me,sure I've let them down sometimes but it's building back up slow but sure,I think that one Easter when Kell accused me and I ended up drinking was cuz I felt "shit she don't trust me anyways,may as well" which is a terrible attitude but that's how I felt at the time.Liz,I hope you weren't put off by any of our comments,I know how sweet you are and how much you love your family,I think we we're all just expressing our opinions and how we'd handle it,Rusty and myself remind me of two tigers protecting ourselves and the people we care about haha groggy with a headache this morning,damn allergies! Oh well,much love and wishes for a happy and healthy AF Saturday!

[Rusty]

Re: One Step at a Time - April 2019

Good Morning, Friends!

I think you need to talk to her about this for the sake of your relationship. I know how close you are and this is like an elephant in the room because of her.
I would talk to her in the near future and tell her how she makes you feel. (If it were me I would e-mail because I'm not good at words. Ha ha) Tell her that you thank her for her support but......you are not the same person you were over a year ago. Things happened in the past and it is over and done with. They can't be changed but you have changed. You can no longer feel guilty.
Stop asking if you are going to be 'ok'. Tell her that you'll be 'ok' just like you've been ok for over a year. Tell her that continuing to ask that diminishes where you are now and how hard you worked to be there.
That you are proud of your accomplishment and hurt that she continues to bring up the past. I would be honest about this - you don't appreciate the remarks, you don't appreciate her going behind your back and most of all you don't appreciate her always waiting for you to take another drink.

[MENTION=19302]Lizann[/MENTION], [MENTION=9757]NoraC[/MENTION]'s advice was right on...I would tell your sister EXACTLY what Nora said, and in a very calm voice, when the two of you are alone. I know Nora was joking about emailing your sister instead of talking to her....email can be misconstrued and would make matters worse. Nora is right. Your twin IS the elephant in the room, and if you don't defend yourself, she might think you agree with her. The worst part of all this is that she went behind your back to your hubs. That was NOT being a supportive sister. I was stunned when you reached your 1 year sobriety milestone because I thought it had been about 6 months...the year went by SO fast! She probably lost track of time, like I did, and it is due to the mess with her daughter. She has been so wrapped up in that situation, She can't see the forest through the trees.

[MENTION=2634]bird[/MENTION]-that was so cruel of that woman...she must have been very unhappy in her own life to take it out on you and your kids. Good move not going to AK.

[MENTION=9757]NoraC[/MENTION]-I will be seeing this client once per year. They also have locations in Scottsdale, AZ and Winnipeg. So excited! Wow, your brother found your parents' marriage license. Cool.

Pauly-hope you are feeling better. My sinuses do NOT like the desert and dry heat. Well, I am fine when I am there but when I get home, I spend a whole day blowing my nose. MISERABLE.

Eek...gotta run. Happy AF Satureday!

[Rusty]

Re: One Step at a Time - April 2019

[MENTION=17650]paulywogg[/MENTION], Pauly-sorry...cross post. Loved your post! :heartbeat:

[NoraC]

Re: One Step at a Time - April 2019

Pauly - sorry about your allergies. Casey is having a terrible time with his allergies. I think the super bloom has caused it to be worse this year. I wanted to tell you that I totally get you about your attitude after that Easter. Been there, done that myself. Amazing what our brain tells ourselves so we have an excuse.
I laughed at you & Rusty being tigers protecting Liz. That was exactly how I felt when I read it.

Rusty - that is really cool that you will need to go to Australia once a year. I wonder if that's close to any of our friends....Glassie, Mr G, Available, Bridget, Mick and I'm sure I'm missing so many. Exciting.

Bird - I just read back again and see you already mentioned our Undie friends.
That philosophy thing you attended sounds really interesting. How is your rash?

[NoraC]

Re: One Step at a Time - April 2019

Liz - how are you doing today? I hope that you are having a good day. :hug:

I just wanted to tell you that I'm glad that you came here and talked. That is what this place is for. We are able to let it out & be ourselves here.

I am sorry that you are having to deal with this type of attitude from your TS. Please remember that it is her issue, not yours. :heartbeat:

I was joking about sending an e-mail but to be honest that is exactly what I did with my brother. It was the only way that he would have 'heard' me. We do not have a close relationship. There has been friction over the years.
I knew that if I started trying to tell him how his behavior affected me, he would start raising his voice, talk over me, belittle me, get angry and then get the facts wrong when he ranted to someone about me. I was able to tell him in an e-mail. It was the only way he would have listened to me and it worked. A few days after I sent it, I asked him if he had read it. He had. He agreed to stop doing it and the problem was solved.
But, that is the way our relationship is.

[Rusty]

Re: One Step at a Time - April 2019

[MENTION=9757]NoraC[/MENTION]:hug:You chose the right form of communication with your brother. I wish you two were closer but I am SOOOO glad that you told him how he affected you and he stopped his unacceptable behavior.

[Lizann]

Re: One Step at a Time - April 2019

Wow, I love you guys!!! [MENTION=1214]Rusty[/MENTION], [MENTION=2634]bird[/MENTION] [MENTION=9757]NoraC[/MENTION] [MENTION=17650]paulywogg[/MENTION]:hug: [MENTION=2634]bird[/MENTION] Thanks so much for all of your support! I will talk to her. I think for me the best way would be over the phone, againYes she's got a lot going on. She had admitted that she is jealous of my kids and their accomplishments. It's definitely still the elephant in the room and I'm praying for the day it won't be. I think I had originally mentioned that I wouldn't mind her staying over for the night, but what upset me was she brought it up to hubby behind my back. I will wait until K. leaves on Monday, ask her that all went and tell her how I feel.
So I am taking notes from your posts and will use your suggestions! I'm so glad I brought it up here. You guys do understand how I'm feeling.

Pauly, her suggesting babysitting me is a trigger and I get why you drank after Kell accused you. Why bother? I'll fill you in on how it goes.
Otherwise I let my "tigers" loose on her:happy2: way to make it all about me again, but I gotta tell you I enjoyed the interaction here this weekend.
[MENTION=2634]bird[/MENTION], I'm sorry about the trunk on the car, but I must admit I did start laughing. Hope you get it figured out

After work today I went to pick up lunch to bring it home. There's a pet store there and they just happened to be having an adoption event. I did go in and who was there but my niece (the other niece on hubby's side of the family). She volunteers a rescue. They had some border collies 11weeks old. This one little brown one, I fell in love with. When Mark comes home she said she would help him find a dog:yay:
Now just to convince hubby!
Again, thank you guys all so much for your support and wisdom. I am saving these posts for reference when I talk to her.
:heartbeat: