One Step at a Time - May 2019

[Lizann]

Re: One Step at a Time - May 2019

Waiting for TS to pick us up and take us to the airport. Pauly, I know you must be wiped out after that stomach bug but for me the sleep you get now is the best ever!!!
Bird have a wonderful time and I'd love to see pictures too. I will try to post. I'm glad you seem to like this counselor. How exactly did you find her. I'm not sure how that online counseling works. Maybe I'll give it a try when I get back.
Ciao'

[Rusty]

Re: One Step at a Time - May 2019

Good Morning, Friends,
[MENTION=2634]bird[/MENTION]-enjoy your trip to SC....wow, you never let grass grow under your feet...you are always full of energy and adventure. I never tire of your stories. How does that online counseling work? I've never heard of it.
[MENTION=8902]Glass Half Empty[/MENTION], future Dr. Glassy...when will HRH's little brother arrive...is it in July? Are you getting more and more excited by the day?
[MENTION=9757]NoraC[/MENTION]-I hope your pain is manageable today. What are your plans for the weekend.
[MENTION=17650]paulywogg[/MENTION], Pauly-hope you are feeling better today.

[MENTION=19302]Lizann[/MENTION]-Have fun on your trip! So excited for you!


Yesterday, I typed out a really long post and I decided to shorten it down to a Reader's Digest readable post. Hahah! My Uncle J was visiting us last weekend...he came mostly to see my mom. My mom's youngest sister, M, was married to Uncle J for 50 years, and had been sober for over a decade when she died tragically in an operation that went awry on July 4 of last year.

Last Saturday, I spent over 7 hours listening to Uncle J, as he sobbed and told me he never understood the depth of her pain and terror she suffered as an alcoholic for over 30 years. He told me he should have been kinder to her instead of mean when she tried to stop drinking oh so many times. 3 DUIs and 3 smashed cars...a horrific suicide attempt which was witnessed by her daughter. Still, she could not stop drinking. He forced her to go to inpatient treatment, and she thrived in it, staying sober with the help of AA. Part of the reason he still is so sad about her sudden death is that he found her diary, which she started keeping while in rehab. It contained 10 years of entries in sobriety, and he read the diary cover to cover. It revealed that she was so very unhappy in her marriage even though she was sober. We all knew that she tried to drown the misery of her marriage in booze, but as Ann Landers said, "people who try to drown their sorrow with alcohol should know that sorrow knows how to swim." How true. My aunt admitted to me right after she got out of treatment that she had not been fully committed to quitting before she went to rehab.

My uncle told me about the "impact letters/statements" that he and their two daughters wrote on the 21st day of her treatment....how her drinking negatively affected their lives. It hit home for her. Many times I have wondered if he had been kinder to her and used compassion instead of anger, if she would have stopped drinking earlier? I would love any responses here from my beloved threadmates and our occasional visitors: [MENTION=7008]JackieClaire[/MENTION], [MENTION=18725]NoSugar[/MENTION], [MENTION=20191]Pavati[/MENTION], [MENTION=21602]abcowboy[/MENTION]. SIGH. I am exhausted from writing this post. Ha!

I have exercise and work tasks today, then off to see my mother tomorrow.

Happy AF Saturday to all!

[paulywogg]

Re: One Step at a Time - May 2019

Morning friends,Liz and Bird are out enjoying trips and I'm a bit jealous! Happy for you both though and look forward to pics Rusty,YES compassion went a whole lot further for me from family and motivated me to want to quit,those who dismissed me as "just a drunk" made me want to drink more for some reason, compassion without enabling of course,just like on here to I was way more inspired by people who lofted me up than the ones who tried to be stern and use "tough love" what a sad story about your uncle and his wife I'm glad you two got to discuss it Kell is overwhelmed with getting the house ready she's kind of driving me nuts! The landlord knocked $500 off the move in for them to fix it up do we've painted but need to figure out flooring for the upstairs,the tile downstairs is fine bit upstairs is bad,I know she's feeling bad but everything I say only makes it worse,I keep telling her to stay positive but grrrr,then she's all stressed about pulling extra days at work and I told her she just shouldn't have volunteered at all,not our problem they fired that lady without a replacement,it's just frustrating,Nora,hope things are settling down with you and hubs' pain,just awful and I feel for you,waves to Glassy, wishes for a happy AF Saturday!

[Pavati]

Re: One Step at a Time - May 2019

Hi, Rusty--

What a sad story. This is all so confusing. I've read a lot about alcohol, but I only have my own experience. I have read that relationship and compassion are often what people who are addicted are missing. That maybe "tough" love isn't the only way. That being said, 3 DUIs and all that you mention is a lot to take on for a loved one. I can imagine there would be a lot of anger...

I do know that some people never get the hang of getting sober. They have people who love them, write statements, take them to rehab again, and they can't get sober. They lose their jobs, their places to live, their spouses and even their kids, and they can't get sober. They go to the hospital, have the fluid removed from their abdomens, go through withdrawal again and again, and they can't get sober. At that point, I don't know what we can do to support. I have a young person in my life whose mother is about to lose her kids and be deported, and has thrown away multiple offers of rehab. In my humble opinion, it isn't the mother who is making that choice. At that point, it is the alcohol and the pathways it has forged in the brain, making that choice. Who would choose alcohol over their own kids??

I can imagine that your uncle is asking the same questions of himself that you are asking. There's always a question - what could I have done differently to save this person? I'm not sure there is an answer.

Love to you and your family, Rusty!

Pav

[NoraC]

Re: One Step at a Time - May 2019

Happy Saturday/Sunday everyone!

I hope that Liz is there having a wonderful time. Is Bird coming home tomorrow? We took Mom to the 99 cent store today (manged to spend $48.00). She had a short period of feeling well enough to get out. But, she has had a bad afternoon. She just has not been feeling well for days.

Pauly - when do they move into their place? I know what you mean. It doesn't matter what you say right now, it's going to be the wrong thing. Good job on just letting it go.
[MENTION=1214]Rusty[/MENTION] - hope your Mom feels so much better. Sad story from your Uncle. Tough love or compassion. I hated myself enough for everyone. I didn't need tough love and felt like I deserved it. The morning after the last drunk.......hubby told me that it was a clean slate. It was over and we were moving on from there. And one painful step at a time, I started walking and I kept going.
[MENTION=20191]Pavati[/MENTION] - always wonderful to see you. I agree with you "There's always a question - what could I have done differently to save this person? I'm not sure there is an answer."

[NoraC]

Re: One Step at a Time - May 2019

[bird]

Re: One Step at a Time - May 2019

I'm home but I am so tired. Will write tomorrow

[abcowboy]

You know [MENTION=1214]Rusty[/MENTION], I don’t know what the answer is, I can only talk about my situation and my opinion. My opinion on how to support those trying to quit has changed dramatically after talking with Bubba.

I’ll give the Reader’s Digest version as well. When I first started attempting to quit, Bubba was quite compassionate about my slips, which in turn gave me a free ticket to drink again; she got over it last time, she’ll get over it again. Then came the tough love, which made me angry, and anger made me drink, I’ll show her who’s boss, she has no idea the pressure that I’m under! Then, there was nothing from her, only the keep trying, you’ll eventually get there. It was into my third year of sobriety when I finally got the courage up to ask why she gave up on me. She told me she never gave up on me, she finally understood that my drinking had nothing to do with her, it was all me. And until I accepted that I had a problem, and looked for help, there was nothing she could do. All this she learned at Al-Anon talking with others. I think it really helped her understand alcoholism and alcoholics.

The support I get from her now is amazing, keeping me grounded and reminding me I’m only one drink away from starting over.

What I would say to your Uncle, what you did was neither wrong nor right, because there was nothing he could do to make her quit, that was up to her, just as it is for all of us…

[paulywogg]

Re: One Step at a Time - May 2019

Morning friends,great posts Pav and Cowboy Nora,glad mom got out and at least had half of a good day,she looked adorable in her pink hat still feeling sluggish and now hubs has it,was gonna go help Kell clean the house yesterday but had the boys and didn't want him to hafta look after them when he felt so shitty,need to get my mojo together,much love and wishes for a happy and healthy AF Sunday!

[bird]

Re: One Step at a Time - May 2019

Hi all,
Well that was some trip. Very nice campus and I guess dd1 will be going there this fall. Got a tour of the theatre, much bigger than here, talked to the professor awhile, dd1 will get a stipend, she will really have to budget, which she is bad at but I will try to help her with it. Took 4 hours to get there, seemed longer though. Hope it all works out for her....Nora, glad your mom had some good time, the pics were lovely! Happy for you for that......Pauly, it is stressful dealing with our adult kids, I know when dd1 moves its gonna be hell, sorry hubs got sick too....Rusty, I think all addictions need a lot of compassion, shaming sure doesn't help in any situation, imho...those impact letters..boy I would hate to get one of those. I'd just want to crawl under a rock and die.....anyway, it is so hot here, I am watering the garden....later

[Rusty]

Re: One Step at a Time - May 2019

Good Morning, Everyone and Happy Memorial Day to my USA friends here! What is everyone doing today? Today, my schedule is exercise, house chores and then off to visit my mom this afternoon. She will be going home on Wednesday. We went to church together yesterday. :-)
[MENTION=21602]abcowboy[/MENTION]-thank you for your input. I appreciate your thoughts. So glad you and your wife are together and happy!
[MENTION=2634]bird[/MENTION]-glad your trip went well but all that driving...I would be exhausted! I hope dd figures out how to budget. Oh, those impact letters...I agree with you...I would have wanted to crawl under a sofa and die, too. I do WAYYY better with positive reinforcement and support. Shaming me about my drinking just made want to drink more, and I did!!
[MENTION=9757]NoraC[/MENTION]-you hoo! Where are you? How are you feeling? How is Savannah's recovery going?
[MENTION=19302]Lizann[/MENTION]-miss you...loved your London pics on FB.
[MENTION=8902]Glass Half Empty[/MENTION]--Glassy...Hope you are feeling better, dear one!

Hi to [MENTION=17632]Mr Vervill[/MENTION]--I see you! LOL! Congratulations on your sobriety!

OK, everyone, I am off to start my day. Happy AF Monday!

[Mr Vervill]

Re: One Step at a Time - May 2019

LOL, [MENTION=1214]Rusty[/MENTION], busted! I lurk over here now and again to see how everyone is doing. Sending strength to all.

[Rusty]

Re: One Step at a Time - May 2019

Yup, Hahha! BUSTED ya, [MENTION=17632]Mr Vervill[/MENTION]! So good to see you! How is your life in sobriety better than when you were drinking? I always like to read people's success stories and it might help some people who want to get sober or wish to maintain their sobriety.

[NoSugar]

Re: One Step at a Time - May 2019

I've been thinking about your uncle since I read your post, [MENTION=1214]Rusty[/MENTION]. I think [MENTION=21602]abcowboy[/MENTION] has a really good take on it. Because no one ever confronted me in a nice or mean way, I have no idea which would have been 'better'. Given that those around me know I'm not very open to being told what to do, they probably were afraid to comment. And, I don't think even my husband had any idea of the extent of the problem given what I lying sneak I was.

I'm sorry your uncle decided to read the diary. It must have been so hurtful to him. It would all seem so real and immediate to him but it is possible that if your aunt were still here she would say that although she meant what she wrote at the time, she doesn't feel that way now. It will be hard for him to shake that burden and not feel guilty. You were kind to let him talk for such a long time.

I hope all US steppers are enjoying a relaxing AF holiday. xx, NS

[Rusty]

Re: One Step at a Time - May 2019

[MENTION=18725]NoSugar[/MENTION]- thank you for your input.:happy2: I am actually glad my uncle read that diary because we all knew he played a major part in her spiral into the drinking abyss and I think he needed to be held accountable for his abusive treatment of her. He was shocked that she was so unhappy in their marriage after she had been continuously sober for several years. I understand that some people's husbands/partners must give the AL or addict an ultimatum, just as my uncle did. I credit my mother with getting her sober because my mom got all her brothers and BILs together and told them to write her letters of positive reinforcement...that they loved her and they had faith in her that she could get sober and stay that way...and she did. Again, positive reinforcement was what she needed. Yes, you are right, it will be very hard for him to shake that burden. Oddly enough, my uncle said he didn't realize that we all knew how badly her drinking had gotten...he thought he and his daughters were the only one who really knew. WOW!