Re: 10 years sober. It's hard to believe.
Hill, not just Congratulations, but THANK YOU for reading my mind. I just sat down and wrote this in my journal, and I was going to post it on my own thread, but I think it fits here..... I am behind you on this path, but your post reaffirms to me that this pathway isn't a lonely one.
For the most part, the "Gee, I want to have a drink too!" part of my brain is switched off, but it does occasionally rear its head, coaxing me to have "just one". I won't give in. I hope to come back here in 9 years and tag onto your post, while you celebrate your 20th year.
Thank you. :hug:
The BRAIN and Forgiving.
The brain is a complex, forgiving part of the body. Over time, it will minimize the pain sensors, allowing you to heal and to move forward. I remember that childbirth was painful, but I cannot recall the intensity of the pain.
We are fortunate that our brains can forgive and heal, but it can be a double edged sword when it comes to negative behavior.
Looking backwards, I remember the joys associated with alcohol. I remember the laughter around the campfires... beer in hand. I remember the fun of going to weekend events like car races, concert fests, state fairs... with a Big Gulp of "diet coke" (and rum). I remember the family tradition of wrapping Christmas presents on Christmas Eve watching the Pope serve Midnight Mass... with a "nice" glass of red wine. I remember hot summer days, working outside doing yard work, and the refreshing "reward" of an ice cold beer.
My brain is healing and forgetting the negativity surrounding booze. And as the distance becomes farther, the romance surrounding alcohol grows.
I hear whispers swirling in my mind... "You didn't need to quit." "Of course you can moderate!" "Life is fun, why are you punishing yourself?" Such thoughts were enticing me yesterday as I stocked up for the pandemic, strolling down the beer aisle and thinking, "why not?"
Why not, indeed.
Suck it up, Sunshine! Tough Love can be hard to play out in a brain that is trying to forgive and heal.... but so be it. I tore the bandage off and remembered:
-The foggy memories after those nights around the campfire. Did I do anything stupid?
-The necessity for a designated driver (never me) after a weekend event in order to get home- that lack of control that was irresponsible and definitely not material for a Mother of The Year nomination.... and add to that the fact that my children were often nearby, witnessing "Fun Mom" become "Drunk Mom".
- The dull headaches on Christmas mornings from staying up too late and polishing off that wine, followed by fake smiles during gift opening as I tried to remember if I wrapped all of the presents... and anxiously looking forward to cooking the big meal, as that meant I could sneak vodka and Baileys into my "Christmas Coffee".
- The one Nice Cold Lawnmower Beer would admittedly turn into the first of many.... but since beer would fill me up, it was often followed by the GOOD STUFF, and the Sunday that followed would start, again, with a dull headache, fogginess, and lost memories.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat.
Tough Love means that I can't let my brain simply forgive and forget. While I can't change the past, I must protect the future. I have to remind myself that the laughter, the joys, the experiences from the past could have, indeed, been much better without the "romance" of alcohol. While I don't want to dwell on them, I wasn't a saintly drunk. I callously hurt people. I embarrassed those that I love the most. I apologized with a caveat, "I didn't mean it, I was drunk". I often "mis-remembered" to protect myself from the ugly person that I can be when I drink.
Tough Love means that I must Protect My Quit. :heartbeat:
Hill, not just Congratulations, but THANK YOU for reading my mind. I just sat down and wrote this in my journal, and I was going to post it on my own thread, but I think it fits here..... I am behind you on this path, but your post reaffirms to me that this pathway isn't a lonely one.
For the most part, the "Gee, I want to have a drink too!" part of my brain is switched off, but it does occasionally rear its head, coaxing me to have "just one". I won't give in. I hope to come back here in 9 years and tag onto your post, while you celebrate your 20th year.
Thank you. :hug:
The BRAIN and Forgiving.
The brain is a complex, forgiving part of the body. Over time, it will minimize the pain sensors, allowing you to heal and to move forward. I remember that childbirth was painful, but I cannot recall the intensity of the pain.
We are fortunate that our brains can forgive and heal, but it can be a double edged sword when it comes to negative behavior.
Looking backwards, I remember the joys associated with alcohol. I remember the laughter around the campfires... beer in hand. I remember the fun of going to weekend events like car races, concert fests, state fairs... with a Big Gulp of "diet coke" (and rum). I remember the family tradition of wrapping Christmas presents on Christmas Eve watching the Pope serve Midnight Mass... with a "nice" glass of red wine. I remember hot summer days, working outside doing yard work, and the refreshing "reward" of an ice cold beer.
My brain is healing and forgetting the negativity surrounding booze. And as the distance becomes farther, the romance surrounding alcohol grows.
I hear whispers swirling in my mind... "You didn't need to quit." "Of course you can moderate!" "Life is fun, why are you punishing yourself?" Such thoughts were enticing me yesterday as I stocked up for the pandemic, strolling down the beer aisle and thinking, "why not?"
Why not, indeed.
Suck it up, Sunshine! Tough Love can be hard to play out in a brain that is trying to forgive and heal.... but so be it. I tore the bandage off and remembered:
-The foggy memories after those nights around the campfire. Did I do anything stupid?
-The necessity for a designated driver (never me) after a weekend event in order to get home- that lack of control that was irresponsible and definitely not material for a Mother of The Year nomination.... and add to that the fact that my children were often nearby, witnessing "Fun Mom" become "Drunk Mom".
- The dull headaches on Christmas mornings from staying up too late and polishing off that wine, followed by fake smiles during gift opening as I tried to remember if I wrapped all of the presents... and anxiously looking forward to cooking the big meal, as that meant I could sneak vodka and Baileys into my "Christmas Coffee".
- The one Nice Cold Lawnmower Beer would admittedly turn into the first of many.... but since beer would fill me up, it was often followed by the GOOD STUFF, and the Sunday that followed would start, again, with a dull headache, fogginess, and lost memories.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat.
Tough Love means that I can't let my brain simply forgive and forget. While I can't change the past, I must protect the future. I have to remind myself that the laughter, the joys, the experiences from the past could have, indeed, been much better without the "romance" of alcohol. While I don't want to dwell on them, I wasn't a saintly drunk. I callously hurt people. I embarrassed those that I love the most. I apologized with a caveat, "I didn't mean it, I was drunk". I often "mis-remembered" to protect myself from the ugly person that I can be when I drink.
Tough Love means that I must Protect My Quit. :heartbeat:
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