International Army April 2020

[outofchances]

Re: International Army April 2020

Hello all. New bank account opened, credit card bill payed off, a few positive leads on the housing front. All good news, but I'm a bit drained from it all and feeling a bit on edge. So I've to relax this evening. I;m going to lose myself in some TV I think.

A few stressful things happening - there was some strained communications with my soon to be ex wife yesterday that messed with my head. She was being very vague, and slipped back into getting stressed, trying to second guess what she was on about and where she was coming from, wondering how was she feeling and how should I respond. In the end I just answered the questions she asked, instead of launching into a big apology or emotional ramble as per usual. I know I have upset her greatly, I'm trying to be conscious of that. That relationship messes with my head something savage. I love her, I do something stupid, she gets angry, I feel rejected, I do something stupid again to deal with that, she gets angry etc. etc. etc.

[satz123]

Re: International Army April 2020

Good work Chancer - you are very self aware but are you availing of the free counselling from the job ?
If it's available - take it.
[MENTION=4040]fickle[/MENTION]

make eye contact, smile and say good morning! That rarely happened before the virus. People would trudge past with eyes averted and woebegone look about them. So if nothing else, at least people are appreciating the social contact.

Yes fickle I've found that too - the 'we're all in this together nod" I call it

Got COVID-19 tested today..... we all did ..... all 200 staff & 87 residents.
Not the most pleasant thing - a bit like a Mammograb - over very quickly .
She was lovely so I won't complain.
The nose bit is the worst ... I was tempted to use one of MrS jokes "when you get to the bridge give us a wave" - but resisted.

Nice bit of diversion with the comings & goings. Fingers crossed we all come back negative ...
but really we'd probably know by now if we had it I think & we've been in lockdown with just the same staff for a month.

[rustop59]

Re: International Army April 2020

Evening everyone. One step at a time Chancy, the more distance you put between you and the ex the easier it will be. You are doing brilliantly. Sorry about the family drama Molly. It’s bad enough in normal times but much worse with this pandemic hanging over us. My daughter has to go into hospital next month and dreading it but on the other hand so thankful it is being dealt with.

Glad you had a nice Easter Stirly. Good to see you Tabs, keep enjoying your garden. Waves to everyone else.

[satz123]

Re: International Army April 2020

[MENTION=7008]JackieClaire[/MENTION]

@satz123..........Mr. JC's office used to have a secretary that cleaned her workplace down every single morning............regardless of the virus..........you'll just have to keep doing it after for a while. I doubt very much she'll be offended.

And the offence is soon forgotten :thumbsup:
Both my ladies that visit the desk tested positive over the weekend - and are isolated at the moment. I'm thankful now I did the doings every 5 minutes ....
Surprisingly most are recovering well.

[outofchances]

Re: International Army April 2020

[MENTION=9094]satz123[/MENTION] - no I've not done anything about the counselling. Thanks for the reminder. I hope your keeping well and your ladies recover.

A bit stressed now though. My wife came to see me - a negative change in her finances. A very somber conversation was had.
And I've just got a text accusing me of being "out of it" on tranquilisers????
I felt like saying "And what if I was? It's my business now" but I didn't. That's me when I'm drinking

I have to remind myself that I'm in this position because of drinking and she's in this position also because of my drinking. It's hard not to put up the defensive barrier. She just looked broken.

And now she's spoiling for an argument. I honestly don't know how to behave around her at the moment. I messed up her life too. I didn't ask about the kids because I don't think I have the right too at present and they are 17 and 19. I tried to keep it civil an on the topic at hand and I'm being told I seemed disinterested. Usually by now I'm crying and begging for another chance.

And more accusations of not caring about the kids. I can understand where she's coming from. She's lashing out too. Very angry, furious even. This is tieing my head up in knots. Massive, massive guilt. I can feel a big tight ball in the middle of my chest.

And now I'm getting laid into for not showing any concern about their wellbeing. I was trying to give them space.

Yep - the kids are in an awful state. Don't want to know me. Are ashamed of me. Afraid of me.

But it's all my fault. I'm going to have to find a way to live with this, because at the moment I feel like I can't.

The three people I loved the most in the world - I have hurt them beyond repair. Who does that? I don't know anymore.

This is never going to end. I feel trapped. Like there's no way out.

I've hurt them. And I can't do anything to help them. Even giving them space is hurting them.

[mollyka]

Re: International Army April 2020

[MENTION=9094]satz123[/MENTION] - no I've not done anything about the counselling. Thanks for the reminder. I hope your keeping well and your ladies recover.

A bit stressed now though. My wife came to see me - a negative change in her finances. A very somber conversation was had.
And I've just got a text accusing me of being "out of it" on tranquilisers????
I felt like saying "And what if I was? It's my business now" but I didn't. That's me when I'm drinking

I have to remind myself that I'm in this position because of drinking and she's in this position also because of my drinking. It's hard not to put up the defensive barrier. She just looked broken.

And now she's spoiling for an argument. I honestly don't know how to behave around her at the moment. I messed up her life too. I didn't ask about the kids because I don't think I have the right too at present and they are 17 and 19. I tried to keep it civil an on the topic at hand and I'm being told I seemed disinterested. Usually by now I'm crying and begging for another chance.

And more accusations of not caring about the kids. I can understand where she's coming from. She's lashing out too. Very angry, furious even. This is tieing my head up in knots. Massive, massive guilt. I can feel a big tight ball in the middle of my chest.

And now I'm getting laid into for not showing any concern about their wellbeing. I was trying to give them space.

Yep - the kids are in an awful state. Don't want to know me. Are ashamed of me. Afraid of me.

But it's all my fault. I'm going to have to find a way to live with this, because at the moment I feel like I can't.

The three people I loved the most in the world - I have hurt them beyond repair. Who does that? I don't know anymore.

This is never going to end. I feel trapped. Like there's no way out.

I've hurt them. And I can't do anything to help them. Even giving them space is hurting them.

Write them a letter..proper old fashioned..not email..it will do you good and hopefully will do them good..it'll be a window into your thinking...your thinking as an addict is near enough impossible for a non-addict to understand..my husband came to Aftercare with me for 2 years and still has a fairly hazy grasp of it..but just write out your thoughts..not excuses...complete honesty.. you have nothing to lose.
Write it..then sleep on it...then read it again and probably re-write lots...

[outofchances]

Re: International Army April 2020

[MENTION=8529]mollyka[/MENTION] - I think I will do that. Thank you

[NoSugar]

Re: International Army April 2020

This is never going to end. I feel trapped. Like there's no way out.

You've taken your first steps out already, Chance. Keep doing what you've been doing and after some time has passed and you're feeling better, you'll be more able to deal with all of this. When you're upset as you are now, there is no way to come up with solutions. It isn't a good time to take any actions or make decisions. For now, take care of yourself. You can deal with the rest in its time and as we've said, some things that look insurmountable now will become more manageable (or even take care of themselves). Just don't drink, ok? NS


I just saw Molly's post - writing the letter might help you! Just don't mail it while you're upset. Like she said, read it again tomorrow and edit. Take care.

[satz123]

Re: International Army April 2020

And now I'm getting laid into for not showing any concern about their wellbeing. I was trying to give them space.

Yep - the kids are in an awful state. Don't want to know me. Are ashamed of me. Afraid of me.

But it's all my fault. I'm going to have to find a way to live with this, because at the moment I feel like I can't.

The three people I loved the most in the world - I have hurt them beyond repair. Who does that? I don't know anymore.

This is never going to end. I feel trapped. Like there's no way out.

Aw Chancer I hate to see anyone in such pain.:hug:
It will end there is a way out & that is to not drink.
I won't even try to comment on your relationship with your wife I'm afraid.

But I know the relationship with your kids will not get fixed overnight - because trust needs to be built up and that takes time.
So first step : write your letter and ask them to be patient that you are working very hard at getting better.

[satz123]

Re: International Army April 2020

Morning all.
Nothing to say ... of to work :horse:

[MENTION=24493]outofchances[/MENTION] take care and get that external support too. Do what yer virtual Mammy tells ye !!!
Posting here is great but also read the Newbies Nest & other threads & stories - there is so much combined wisdom on WMO.

[stirly-girly]

Re: International Army April 2020

Morning all!!

Satzy - hope yiz all tests negative. Fingers crossed!!
[MENTION=24493]outofchances[/MENTION] - some great advice given here by the ladies. I hope you can distance yourself a bit from the guilt in order to concentrate on your sobriety and moving forward. Things will work out in time. The letter sounds like a good idea. But yes, write it, sit on it, re-read it, edit.

Molls - hope things in your family get worked out. I hate it when my kids are in turmoil. Makes me sad that I cannot help them but I always keep my distance. Not that I don't care - I just figure it's best to keep my mouth shut.

Hope all is well with everyone else - wishing you all a satisfying day!!


.

[rustop59]

Re: International Army April 2020

Morning all.
Nothing to say ... of to work :horse:

[MENTION=1236]nomore[/MENTION]chances take care and get that external support too. Do what yer virtual Mammy tells ye !!!
Posting here is great but also read the Newbies Nest & other threads & stories - there is so much combined wisdom on WMO.

Good morning everyone. Good advice there Chancy. No work for me today so going to catch up in the house. Somebody mentioned weight loss during this. My wellness leader (formerly known as weight watchers) gets us to email her every week with a photo of the scales. All meetings cancelled until end of May so it is keeping me on track and even loosing a few pounds. It has become part of my routine on Wednesday mornings plus I eat a lot healthier when I am following the plan.

[stirly-girly]

Re: International Army April 2020

I just posted on the Sunday thread and I was thinking how different my life is today from what it was 5 years ago. Driving home the other day from work, I thought once again how grateful I am to be sober. How good it feels. I go to bed at night counting the hours til I can get up and start on a new day. Before, I counted the hours til I could have that first drink of the day that would lead, withing 1-1/2 hours, to me falling into bed drunk, usually almost comatose and waking up the next morning feeling so very tired and wondering how I was going to get through the day til that first drink. Trying to figure out if I had enough AL for that night or if I had to go to the supermarket to get some and usually bought other things I didn't need to cover up the fact that the bottle was really the only thing I wanted. God, how I hated that life. I am free from all of that. I am alive, not just existing and I am content. I know that no matter what life throws at me, I can get through it without having to block out or numb the pain. Life is good, even with all the ups and downs, life is good....

[byebyebridgetjones]

Re: International Army April 2020

Hiya!
Chancer I wonder if you and the wife and the kids could all benefit from a bit of counselling?
The only way we can win back the trust is not drink. Then keep on not drinking. Followed by more not drinking. It takes a long time but actions mean more than words. They've had plenty of words from us.

I'm losing track of the days too KTAB. I'm also wondering about early retirement but that's just a pipe dream. I think we might be about the same age, mate. I recognise the thinking!

My project this week is to practice detachment from embuggerance. I don't like people but I'm going to have to work with them so that I can buy plants. I find my head full of irritated thoughts about other people (and that's in isolation!)
So helpful thought is: Working with these people gets me plants - with a smiley emoticon.

Wish me luck.

[stirly-girly]

Re: International Army April 2020

I'm losing track of the days too KTAB. I'm also wondering about early retirement but that's just a pipe dream. I think we might be about the same age, mate. I recognise the thinking!

My project this week is to practice detachment from embuggerance. I don't like people but I'm going to have to work with them so that I can buy plants. I find my head full of irritated thoughts about other people (and that's in isolation!)
So helpful thought is: Working with these people gets me plants - with a smiley emoticon.

Wish me luck.

Bridge, I'm starting to wonder if we alkies are all loners at heart. I love to have my special friend over, to have the wee lad and his Dad visit, to go out with my girlfriends, to chat with my neighbours. But in the end, I am very glad to go home to my little haven and have the place to myself. To do what I want, how I want, without hearing the opinions or advice of others or be expected to have conversations about things that don't really interest me. I, too am looking at retirement but it won't be for a couple of more years. When I hit 70, it will be time to give it up, methinks. For now, I enjoy my work but there are days that I would love to spray the whole place with that spray that Tawny had and get rid of the bunch of them. inkele: