At the end of April 2007 I start to wean off my Zoloft. Because of doctors and research I realize the all clinical trials show that there is no added benefit after 50mg. I am on 200mg. I learn that when I would try to go off of it and go into that “black hole”, which convinced me that I needed it and would dose back up, was the awful withdrawal that the drug potential has. I know that I have to get off of it. I start to wean off slowly and a supplement called “Symphora” makes it almost painless. I also realize that the Zoloft may have contributed to my really bizarre drinking behavior.
5/30
I am now at 100mg of Zoloft and have a bad drinking episode. I stop Zoloft completely 5/31. Someone suggests the book called “Natural Highs” which covers everything. Everything from addiction, low energy to depression to being connected with the universe….the explanation in this book is so detailed that I know that my original drinking was caused by a “brain chemical imbalance”…which was then compounded by starting antidepressants. Start supplements and trying different things and basically finding that being off of the Zoloft …these supplements had much more of an impact than when I had tried them before.
6/5
Start to play with drinking again…more out of curiosity than a drive to “have to have it”. I have found that since getting off the Zoloft and using supplements I will drink 5-6 lite beers on a night that I drink. Below are a list of supplements and the benefits I have seen…I wish I could detail them better…but the results were so fast and painless that it is hard to document a day to day. I can say that since 6/5 I have not have not had one single hangover.
It is now 6/16/2007
Supplements:
• Symphora…took 2x a day as I weaned off Zoloft and stop taking 7 days ago.
• B-50 when I wake up and then as needed throughout the day for energy boosts. This is a supplement that did not work to its full potential on Zoloft. Now gives an energy boost within 15 minutes.
• L-Glut 500mg when I wake up and throughout the day as needed for tension. Works within 15 minutes of taking it. Did not work up to its full potential on Zoloft.
• When I get to work I take:
• Primrose Oil 1200mg
• St. John’s Wort
• Vitamin C 500 mg
• Milk Thistle…used this too when weaning from the Zoloft because I read it would help me get off the Zoloft quicker.
• Kuduz Root…300mg 2x throughout the day. Then I take 2 on the ride home. If I am going to drink I take 1 more and then 1 before going to bed.
• I listen to a “Quit Smoking” music subliminal on the way to work and on the way home. Do not listen at all on weekends. This CD is by Kelly Howell.
• At night I listen to a CD by Kelly Howell called “The Secret”. With this I go to sleep and I could definitely see an improvement in my mental state and the way I thought even before getting off the Zoloft.
The noted benefits in less than 20 days of being off the Zoloft and all natural supplements:
Alcohol
• When I drink it is usually 5-6 lite beers max.
• I have started to add ice cubes to my beer because it gets warm too fast.
• The obsession is gone and that little voice in my head that drove me nuts is gone.
• I do not drive home in a mad dash to have a drink.
• I no longer look longingly or with anger at alcohol ads (which tend to make me laugh now) or at people drinking in restaurants.
• When I do drink on a work night I am in bed at 11p…this is natural and not forced.
• I do not wake up with one trace of a hangover. No headache. No thirsties. No remorse, guilt or shame.
• I do not spend my day thinking “will I or won’t I’
• I do not get that “happy” feeling once it is purchased.
• I no longer have to decide how much to buy so that I have enough, but yet not too much. Because before I would always drink it all.
Other:
• Energy to do things and go 9-0 all day
• Focused when working on a project…and get it done in ? the time. This includes work projects and jobs at home. I am getting more done now that when I was Abs….because I was either at an AA meeting or had to find something to zone out like TV.
• Anxiety is almost nil…maybe because I take L-Glut as soon as I feel it coming on.
• Sleep well and wake up before the alarm goes off. I am still getting used to this because I am so in awe of it. And I usually choose to get up rather than get that extra 30 minutes of sleep. It is weird getting to work on time almost everyday. This did not even happen during my periods of abs. I am now the first person in the office most days.
• I used to drink 8-10 Diet Pepsi’s a day. I now drink maybe 2. This is not forced…happened naturally.
• White Sugar and flour intake is almost nil. I would eat a lot sugar via chocolate or cookies throughout the day. Again not forced, happened naturally. Quite frankly I can’t remember when I last craved sugar…or ate a cookie for that matter.
• Workout, 45 minutes on the Stairmaster almost everyday when I get home. I do this because I feel like it, not because I have to.
• Smoking…cut down by at least 50%. Even on nights I drink.
• PMS almost nil…I am bitchy…but not coming out of my skin like I used to be.
• I like myself now for just being me.
• No remorse, guilt or shame.
• I know that I have lost weight, but not sure how much. I refuse to get on a scale
Why did I have to go through the hell?
• To keep my son off of ADD drugs. They are suggesting this to us now as he heads into the 1st grade. If I had not been to this hell of a journey and felt for myself the benefits of natural supplements I may have just blindly put him on them because it was told to me that was what he needed. The hell journey may have saved my son’s life…that makes it worth it.
• To meet some awesome friends that I would not have met if I had not struggled with this
Books that have made the difference:
• Natural Highs…Hyla Cass…this is the book that turned it around for me!
• The Power of Now
• The Secret
• Be Here Now…Ram Dass
• Yoga Journal Articles…anything Eastern thought just rings with me mostly.
Meditation:
• When getting off the Zoloft and I would have tension and I would use the Kelly Howell “Guided Meditation” or “Manifestation” meditations. 30 minutes later all tension had vanished. I still use these as needed.
Sleep:
• I usually listen to “The Secret”…but I can not say enough about a CD called Z-yoga…it relaxes you body part by body part and usually when she talks talking about “shutting off the brain’…I am fast asleep.
Kava
• One time I took 1 kava at work because I wanted to see if it helped with tension. For about 90 minutes I felt almost mildly intoxicated…and then felt sleepy.
Taurime
• Have not tried this yet, but will try it soon based on what it said in “Natural Highs”.
What I believe now:
• Alcoholism is nothing more than a brain chemical imbalance. If you can figure out how to balance yourself out, then miracles will happen naturally. But this is different for everyone. Adding anything that is prescribed by a doctor is not needed and may do more harm. But it happens so slowly…so you don’t necessarily pair the two with the bad effects. Then when you try to get off of meds you almost bottom out…and think you need them even more. This is called addiction…whether it is to caffeine, alcohol, hard drugs, anti-depressants or anything. And when you try to get off the drug it makes you think you need it even more. For me this happened with alcohol and anti-depressants. Alcohol came first and anti-depressants only compounded the problem.
This has just been my journey thus far. I can’t figure out what is different, but I know that a lot is. I feel balanced out which makes me feel good most of the time.
Daily Diary:
I am now going to trying to update this daily for myself. The results have happened so naturally and fast that it hard to trace when the actual improvement was.
6/14 Pissed of and have PMS
• Husband tells me that “You will end up passed out on the floor again”. Ok…he has been through hell with me. But I will not allow another person (AA mentality) plant a seed of negativity or predict my doom. I try to talk to him…but it ends in a very short heated battle. I am pissed at no end because “can he not see the improvement”…but I do understand that 20 days of good does not make up for the 100’s of bad. But I am sick of AA predicting my doom and I refuse to allow him to plant the seed. I quite frankly tell him to go hang out at AA and they can all together plan my doom. I will never allow anyone to predict my doom and plant that seed again…because it always became a self fulfilling prophecy. Fear would set in and then a few days later I was off and back in deep. I have PMS as well. I am almost thankful for this…because I am not coming out of my skin…yet bitchy…I will stand up for myself to no end. I know what I have felt over the last 20 days….if it was work and forced…then I would have agreed. Something like this usually would send me over the edge to drink like crazy…the whole combination would be bad. Drank 5 beers…went to bed at 11p…and got up the next day before the alarm. Still pissed and walk out of the house without speaking to him because I know that he will not even listen. I also start to buy beer in cans…because if you are going to pour it in a cup with ice…there really is not need for a bottled beer
6/15
• When I go to bed at 1:30a (I was up planning a trip) I am sure I have drunk too much. I am a bit angry with myself.
6/16
• I wake up at 7am ready to go. No hangover not one bit….and a bit scared to look in the fridge to estimate how much I had drank. Six beers…..was the count. Joe and I take the kids to the movies…..eat out….and I go 9-0 all day. I even get a 10 minute Chinese massage at the mall which inspires me to start this document.
• 5p-3am end up drinking 8-9 beers. In the morning I think that it is more…but I end up finding ? full cans of beer on the deck and in the sink. Since I am pouring my beer on ice…I forget to go back an refill from the original can…probably because this never happened before Also, I used to only buy beer in the bottle…which I realized spending the extra $$ for bottled beer when I am just pouring it on ice was stupid. I stay up late cleaning the kitchen.
6/17
• I wake up around 9a, but tired from staying up so late. I have to be in bed by 12a no matter what is finished or ? finished. At around 12p the crawling out of my skin PMS begins. I have been bitchy…but this it the first crawling out of my skin. I just want the skin crawling to end. I try to nap. I try my massage chair. I try meditation…nothing works. In my past life this would have been a perfect excuse to drink…but I really just do not have a desire to drink today…I just want the skin crawling to end. I take 2 Kava and within 15 minutes it has ended. I have taken 2 more throughout the day as needed. At 6p I take a nap for 2 hours, but it’s not a restful nap….but it does help. I got up at 8p. Still no desire to drink, but I am cranky. I am going to watch TV and read the rest of night….but not one single desire to drink…on a day that in my past would have been my biggest drinking day of all. I should note that I did not take Kudzu Root and there at least 14 cold ones in the fridge.
6/18
• I took a Vitamin Shoppe Sleep w/o Melatonin and kava before bed. I sleep…but have a vivid dream that is not all that pleasant. I have to push myself out of bed, but with v-B and l-glut I am up and running in 45 minutes. I do read today that KAVA may not work up to its full potential until my liver is functioning well. I can blame this on drinking, but I also know that the Zoloft did not help and I still have to work on my liver. It did relieve the tension, but I was still tired and just did not seem to have the full effect they speak of. Today at lunch I buy 5-HTP and Sam-e. I take 5-HTP at lunch and it has the full effect they speak of. I was calm, alert and seemed to have a connected sense with just life. This never happens with PMS. But there is no crawling out of my skin…and I think that people at work think I had a few at lunch because back at the office I am in a good mood, getting tons of work done and just happy. I take another at 5:30p, so this sense continues. I got a ton done tonight. I worked out for 30 minutes. I have had 5 lite beers on ice tonight. It is 11p and I am ready to call it a night. And it ended up being 4.5 lite beers because I dump the rest of my beer in my cup out.
6/19
I still have PMS…but very minimal now that I have added the 5-htp into the mix. Today these are the supplements I took.:
• Upon waking one b-50 and one l-glut
• One 5-HTP at 830a and one at 3:30p
• At 2p I took 2 Milk Thistle, 1 Primrose, 1 b-50 and 1 v-c
• 3 Kudzu Root on the way home
No obsession…and felt calm, alert and connected all day. (Connected is a term I picked up from Natural Highs…but means that I feel happy and connected to others).
The transformation still is amazing to me. Feels like it has been longer, because the past was hell. But yet, I am still aware that I am only a short way into this. I have cut all ties with any relationships I made in AA…even those that are not in AA still. The mind thing is such a huge part of this…and I will never let anyone, not even me, tell me that I can not do something. AA is not different than the pharmaceutical companies…if we all could get well naturally…they would be out of business. AA just does it under the guise of fear and guilt…surrounded by what seems empathy and compassion
I should note that I take 1 Kudzu Root at bedtime; I don’t know…all I know is that when I do there is not a trace of a hangover in the morning. I have not tried not taking it…and really don’t want to.
Also, Joe and I have long talk over the weekend and we are now on the same page. He is just as amazed as I am.
This is just where I am at today…..
Whatever anybody does with this information, please just know that this is what happened to me. It may not happen the same way for you. Whatever you do…if you are on anti-depressants do not go off them too fast and without nutritional support. I know that from past experience this can really send you in a tailspin that you DO NOT want to be in.
And many of you have watched my awful journey with this for so long. I have had many over the top moments and sunk into depths I wish to forget. If I even remotely see me going that way again…I will look for another alternative. But this by far has been the best 3 weeks of my life in a long time. Not because I can drink, but because I feel well, balanced and connected.
A HUGE factor in all of this was the book “Natural Highs”. It explains everything as I said before. It takes some trying and testing on what works for you. Like Kava worked for me…but 5-HTP worked better. I could never try these things out before because of the huge warning label not to take with anti-depressants…and if I had been still on the meds I don’t know that I could have experienced what I have. This may have been why MWO failed so miserably for me in the past. What matters is where I am today.
Anyone please PM me with any questions you may have and I will do my best to answer them. I don’t check into the board much because it reminds me too much of where I have been…the mind thing is huge in this…and I try to focus on where I am going…rather than where I have been….it helps me tremendously. But PM’s do come to my e-mail and will answer anything that may have been left out.
Karma
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