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**ducky** · June 20, 2007, 11:14 AM

Stabbed in the back

Bean, sorry you feel so hurt. It does sound like your cousin is a bit scared for herself and jealous of you. I just read the Secret. Is that what you are referring to? Anyhow, try to keep thinking positive thoughts and do not let this drag you down. Getting hammered will only make you feel worse.

It's hard when we try to help someone and they don't appreciate it but don't let it harden you.

**Keepon!!!!** · June 20, 2007, 11:19 AM

Stabbed in the back

Hi Bean please dont get stressed out try and calm down this will pass and when your not so upset you can deal with the situation better and decide what your gonna do about the situation she sounds like shes jeaulous to me personnally because ive been in the same situation with my sister her slagging my drinking off when ive put a roof over her head etc in the end ive just told her where to go and dont talk to me again and since then ive felt better about that and the funny thing is she drinks way to much too so she has had no right to critisize me silly cow.

Any hope you feel better soon my thoughts are with you be strong and keep on :h

**hart** · June 20, 2007, 11:21 AM

Stabbed in the back

(((Bean)))

Hon I don't know what was said, but I'm sorry. It is hard when you put yourself out for someone and then they say hateful things about you, you feel betrayed, and rightly! I think you have done marvelous for yourself and have a loving heart. Youth is for the stupid and impulsive and it's a miracle any of us make it thru. I'm sure your cousin will live to regret a lot of what she does and remember you as a loving friend that tried to help her. Don't let this turn you on all acts of kindness. Though we can't see the results of them at once, usually, they will bear fruit and flower. You are a good person and will be rewarded happiness.:l

**buffy** · June 20, 2007, 11:32 AM

Stabbed in the back

Hi Bean, your cousin sounds jealous of you. I'll bet she thinks you have the world by the tail. They say you only have 5 real friends in your life. How did you find out she was talking about you behind your back? If it were me I would never drink around her again, never confide in her, I would think about telling her to leave, or raise her rent at least the cost of the Gin she says you drink of hers. There sems to be something about us drinkers, we don't stick up for ourselves and then we use it as an excuse to drink. I look at my past and see it sooooo much! I am not going to do it any more. I would rather have no friends than a bunch of users...which it seems my friends were since I stopped being such a doormat....I have alot more respect for myself, don't drink now for the reason I sometimes did...still drink at times but not because I feel abused. Awhile ago someone said and did something that made me so angry that I told him off, told him to leave my house and am now suing him in court...telling him off felt so good afterwards that I promised I would never let anyone take advantage of me again. I go to court at the begining of next month. I am scared to death, I will win this though! Give it a try...tell your cousin how you feel...you may free yourself from years of bondage...good luck Buffy

p.s the law suit is about a land dispute...thought I better say that in case all your minds were in the gutter...haha

**Bella** · June 20, 2007, 11:35 AM

Stabbed in the back

People can be cruel. If it was me - I would try to turn the other cheek, so to speak. You can only be the best you can. You are very kind to give your cousin a roof over her head. She is jealous of what you have. Hang in there Bean and DON'T GET HAMMERED! You will feel very upset with yourself afterwards, Remember.....think ahead to the horrible hangover. You don't want that. Chin up Bean. Love Bella xxxx

**Breez** · June 20, 2007, 11:45 AM

Stabbed in the back

buffy;152597 wrote: about us drinkers, we don't stick up for ourselves and then we use it as an excuse to drink.

So true.

Bean you're still dealing with a teenager who obviously has a way of taking out her frustrations on you. In time she will see your generosity. In the meantime stay strong. She is fortunate to have someone like you in her life. Sometimes we lash out at the ones we love with a bitter tongue.

**julie001** · June 20, 2007, 11:45 AM

Stabbed in the back

" There seems to be something about us drinkers, we don't stick up for ourselves and then we use it as an excuse to drink. "

Buffy--I can so relate to this comment from your post. Like you, I am working on asserting myself more.

Bean--Buffy gave great advice. Stick up for yourself and be proud of the accomplishments that you've made in your life. In a sober moment, confront your cousin about her comments and let her know how much it hurt you. Good luck.

Julie

**sujul** · June 20, 2007, 11:57 AM

Stabbed in the back

So sorry, bean--no one needs to be treated like that...

People say things behind other people's backs for so many reasons but mostly for their own self esteem...it makes them feel better about themselves in some way...

I would just say that you don't appreciate her speaking about you in that way...and if she feels like that then you might say that maybe it's time for you both to have a "talk." I have found that it's easier to assert myself by opening the door for further discussion. Maybe it's that I have a background in counseling but I am always looking for what's "behind" the behavior. In other words, what's REALLY bothering her? You must care about her at least a little because you've tried to help her out--so maybe it would be good for both of you to clear the air....

On the other hand, maybe not! I really don't know the situation so I'm just thinking aloud....

All the best to you!

**Guest** · June 20, 2007, 12:28 PM

Stabbed in the back

Bean, Oh how we let other people affect us, I too can be crushed by someone's
unkind words. Just look at the source she is probably very envious of you as well as the others who have said hurtful things. Please don't let it push you over the edge. Be strong and know that you are better than any petty gossip! Give her something to really talk about; throw her ass out the door! That would be me doing that, I suspect your to kind for that.
Smiles
Mar

**Bean** · June 20, 2007, 12:48 PM

Stabbed in the back

You are all so right

Thanks for your replies - I really appreciate them and you've all given good advice. Buffy you are right about the assertiveness thing. Actually I am going on an assertiveness course at work next week so it's perfect timing. I am fine in some situations but in others (usually with people close to me) I find it SO hard to say what I really think. Then I end up being taken advantage of which annoys me even more. Ridiculous really that we don't say things for fear of rejection or not being liked and then people still slag you off anyway. That's what really hurt me about this situation.

Now that I have calmed down a bit, I am thinking about how this is a clash of values and a huge difference in upbringing. I have been brought up to be honest and loyal and to do 'the right thing' (i.e I would always pay rent even if it meant I couldn't do something else becuase it's just a given that that's what you have to do, but to my cousin, she will splurge money on a meal for a friend and then tell me she doesn't have her rent money till next week...and like a sucker, I tell her that's ok because I am uncomfortable with confrontation). What I really think is that it's irrelevant whether I can afford to live alone or not, she is not keeping to her part of the agreement and it's the principle of it.

To really top it off, she regularly gets stoned and takes drugs so she's not winning any prizes in the healthy living contest. I asked her to move out at the end of June a few weeks ago which is maybe where all this started. From what you've all said I think I can hold my head high that I have behaved in a good way and she is being ungrateful. Thanks again, I feel much better. :thanks:

**blueeyes** · June 20, 2007, 12:53 PM

Stabbed in the back

Bean, I do know what you mean. The expression, "The road to hell is paved with good intentions" seems to apply to me over and over. And I agree that it's confusing when something you think is generous or morally right comes back and bites. I've had times when I think that I just need to withdraw because I can't play this game...somehow I didn't learn it. But, that's always short lived, and in the end giving makes my respect myself more than the occassional stabs.

So Bean, let's put on some bandaids and head out once again!

**diamond** · June 20, 2007, 01:31 PM

Stabbed in the back

Bean,
I personally think you have done the right thing, you have maintained your dignity by not fighting a teenager, you have behaved maturely and with wisdom, she is very young and we all have been that age. I personally thought I knew everything at that age but basically knew nothing!

Stay calm, cool and collected - even though probably I wouldn't - but you sound cool, I would love to be your relative - seriously.

best wishes
Diamond

**tea** · June 20, 2007, 05:09 PM

Stabbed in the back

Hold you head up Bean, you are a 'good guy'. Nothing hurts us more than undeserved nastiness BUT you will survive. If you can pluck up the courage to say to your cousin that you have been told she has been back stabbing you then do so, if not, then maybe distancing yourself from relaxing with her might make you feel better. Jeez why oh why is it so important to us what other people say behind our backs? Don't know but do know that it just is....

Lx

**lucky 2.0** · June 20, 2007, 05:33 PM

Stabbed in the back

Kick her butt to the street.

Just my humble opinion!

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