Army August 2022

[mollyka]

Re: Army August 2022

It's great to read Starty...I'm sure many moons ago I may have known some of that but to read it on a timeline is so interesting.
Here's one for all of ye....would anyone have known from virtually that first drink that your relationship with alcohol was somehow 'different' to others?
In my case..I would have had my first drink..knacker drinking we call it round our parts..as in...on a beach..in a ditch...back of the disco...wherever..when I was about 15. I LOVED it...my personality blossomed and for the first time in my young life I felt like I fitted.
Fast forward without any major incidents...to my 20's...young babies..my own house...Joe making home brew..no limit to bottles or amounts.. house parties all the time...Happy out..no major incidents.
30's...stopped making home brew....sort of shocked how much we could drink when it was limited to bottles...still no major incidents...40's the same...no...I lie...night of the millennium I was 44..having a party and dying sick with real flu...went to bed..left them at it.. Next morning got up bout 11an...looked around at the mess...then had a major incident....picked up a half empty bottle of wine and drank a glass..
KNEW it would get me through ...and it did.. just the one glass..and didn't drink before noon again for maybe 5 years....but the 'solution' was in my head.

Fast forward to my 50's. ...the shit hit the fan...my solution brought me here!!!!

[starty]

Re: Army August 2022

Molls didn't you tell me a story once when you fell out a window or summit? I do remember something hilarious (probably not at the time though!)

Yes!! I remember drinking as a kid around age 14. We had a church service for the school so didn't have to go in until 11. As the parents were at work, I had a couple of drinks from the cabinet to make the service bearable. I remember it today so must have left an impression. Also used to go to a disco in the village and buy a bottle of cinnzanno and drink it behind the bins so I could relax and flirt :haha:

[mollyka]

Re: Army August 2022

Molls didn't you tell me a story once when you fell out a window or summit? I do remember something hilarious (probably not at the time though!)

Yes!! I remember drinking as a kid around age 14. We had a church service for the school so didn't have to go in until 11. As the parents were at work, I had a couple of drinks from the cabinet to make the service bearable. I remember it today so must have left an impression. Also used to go to a disco in the village and buy a bottle of cinnzanno and drink it behind the bins so I could relax and flirt :haha:

Haha...I can remember buying sherry for 99p and two of us getting blathered on it!
I had a pal who climbed a ladder to get into her house but it was the wrong house? Don't think I did.. can't remember :hahaha:
Ach there were loads and loads of hilarious times...crazy really.. when I say no major incidents I really mean no consequences to crazy stuff...life was deffo not boring! What shielded me maybe was that so many in our group drank more than I did I sort of slipped under the radar!!

[satz123]

Re: Army August 2022

I was 44..having a party and dying sick with real flu...went to bed..left them at it.. Next morning got up bout 11an...looked around at the mess...then had a major incident....picked up a half empty bottle of wine and drank a glass..
KNEW it would get me through ...and it did.. just the one glass..and didn't drink before noon again for maybe 5 years....but the 'solution' was in my head.

Fast forward to my 50's. ...the shit hit the fan...my solution brought me here!!!!

That's the bit I forgot. Once I found the 'solution' to hangovers I was on the rocky road too !!
For me at the start of this discovery it was ONE BRANDY - just one - (an old cure for sick stomach .)....... got me through for a long time.

[satz123]

Re: Army August 2022

Just to say, I was drinking in the morning etc and would neck half a bottle of wine before even getting my coat off after work. I guess I was drinking about a bottle a day at my worst and then more at weekends including spirits. Gross eh

Thanks for posting [MENTION=22456]starty[/MENTION] :hug:

One bottle :egad: is that ALL ??
At my worst I was drinking 1/2 bottle gin with tonic from hometime from work 4:30 pm (with coat still on too) - to about 8pm.
Sometimes that's how long it took to get dinner cooked & served. The meals got more time consuming so I could have my alcohol on an empty stomach as I flitted around the kitchen.

[starty]

Re: Army August 2022

Thanks for posting [MENTION=22456]starty[/MENTION] :hug:

One bottle :egad: is that ALL ??
At my worst I was drinking 1/2 bottle gin with tonic from hometime from work 4:30 pm (with coat still on too) - to about 8pm.
Sometimes that's how long it took to get dinner cooked & served. The meals got more time consuming so I could have my alcohol on an empty stomach as I flitted around the kitchen.

I think thats right Satz. I remember we would only ever buy 13% wine but it was always 2 bottles from the shop then other stuff at weekends. When we drank Jack Daniels or vodka, a litre would last us both an evening or just over. However much it was, it used to really affect me. Maybe I am/was a lightweight. Mr S was drinking litres of voddy and that horrified me.

I think its the need that is frightening, when you need it to get through the day, its got scary.

[satz123]

Re: Army August 2022

Haha...I can remember buying sherry for 99p and two of us getting blathered on it!
I had a pal who climbed a ladder to get into her house but it was the wrong house? Don't think I did.. can't remember :hahaha:
Ach there were loads and loads of hilarious times...crazy really.. when I say no major incidents I really mean no consequences to crazy stuff...life was deffo not boring! What shielded me maybe was that so many in our group drank more than I did I sort of slipped under the radar!!

Ye'd kinda miss the craic we had when our drinking was still 'normal'. I had some mad times with various friends I met, in various jobs, along the way - not always enough to be morto next day but some were :blush:
Gate crashing a Cheile ( Irish dancing ) in the Hitching Post Pub comes to mind ........ oh Gawd !

Of course I HAD TO go and mess it up by getting addicted.

[lifechange]

Re: Army August 2022

good morning Army,

wow.. thank you so much for sharing your stories.. Satz is right, they can definitely help people to feel not so alone or like there's no hope.. if one reads how "it was" and then knows that it WAS possible to stop, there is hope..
it's funny how different and yet how similar we all are/were with our drinking.. but like you said, Starty, it's the NEED that counts..
Molly, i also remember the first time i drank at 14.. a friend and i stole vokda from her mom and then went to a friend's place.. he had an older brother, a shit kicker, rebel sort of a guy and their parents weren't home (we all ditched school), it was the beginning of summer, they had a pool and we drank vodka with grapefruit juice.. i think it might have been the first time in years that i felt ok.. i'd had such a terrible few years with my mom and her absence because of her drinking.. and my dad wasn't around much either, having to work and put in for her slack.. as soon as i discovered alcohol for myself, it was the perfect escape.. i found friends, mostly older who drank and sneaking out at night/ditching school was no problem cause my parents couldn't keep up.. another problem is that i could always drink a ton without many side effects.. from not really having hangovers, to people not being able to notice i was drunk, to being able to function fairly easily the next day.. i think that i suffered from depression and the alcohol made it better/worse.. somehow through school/college i kept it "under control" more binge drinking on the weekends/.. when i moved to Berlin, my ex and i opened a restaurant.. i baked but also worked front of the house/service + cleaning, usually at least 80-90 hours a week.. my best friend worked with me and i remember we'd do shots on Sunday mornings to make the shifts more fun.. and i definitely became more of a daily drinker to get through it all.. especially the polishing glasses and cleaning up at the end of the night.. it's also when i began drinking alone.. to loud music, mad at my ex cause he was such a slacker and i was left with the hard work.. when i was 30 i got pregnant and was on top of the moon.. i didn't drink for at least 2 years and never felt better.. also during my 2nd pregnancy.. i think it got "bad" or worse for me when the kids were little and i was left alone with them.. it was tedious, i was angry, i felt trapped.. i started drinking wine from coffee cups while i was playing with them.. around 40 i also started googling alcoholism, taking tests online.. then found mwo.. i've been here for 11 years and still haven't really found my way out.. i've tried aa and even had a sponsor and tried to do the steps but even though i think doing the steps is helpful, i went back to drinking.. my alcoholism has progressively worsened, as it always does, these past years.. it got better when i moved into a flat alone with the girls 5 years ago, but then got worse after surgeries and then again during covid.. i always have an excuse, i know.. now it's to the point where i feel i'm sacrificing friendships (though weeding a couple out was good), my relationships with my daughters, my work, my relationship with my man, my health (i've never been so fat), my desire for anything/everything in life.. i asked for a meeting with my closest colleague, HR and another close colleague on Tuesday and i told them about some of the big problems i've been having as of late.. with my sister, my parents, my pregnant daughter, menopause, depression.. i didn't tell them about the alcohol because i don't want to lose my job.. but i also feel like possibly, unresolved issues, depression, having stopped development at the age of 14 when i started drinking, whatever.. have kept me in this cycle.. we have (my workplace) an amazing psychiatrist that we were offered during covid time.. 3x her or 3x vacation days.. and i stupidly took the days off (and probably drank) thinking she couldn't help me.. they've offered me again to go to her and will foot the bill for the first 3 sessions and if it seems like it could help, will help further, they'll help with the costs. there's also the opportunity here in Germany, to go for a "KUR".. it's usually a 3 week in patient program that's paid for through insurance where one can go for whatever.. burn out, addiction, etc.. so i've got an appt with my GP on Monday for that as well..
i called my best friend and my mom in a drunken crying fit on Wednesday.. they both have faith that i'll pull it together at some point.. but i have my doubts..
i don't know why i always go back.. even when i'm feeling so much better without.. i will never lose hope but i feel really frustrated that i keep slamming my head against the wall.. that's how it feels.. physically.. i keep going 100 miles an hour into a brick wall.. ughhh..

[starty]

Re: Army August 2022

Thanks for sharing your story LC. It always strikes me that the life stages have so much to do with our addiction habits. So, age 14 when hormones are just kicking in, we find a solution for all that angst and feelings of being an outsider. Then once we have found a solution, that's our go to through all the different stressors that everyone experiences. Then at midlife, everything gets much worse. Bloody hormones Its soooooo hard to let it go! I loved codeine because no one could see that I was doing it, it was just inside that I felt OK, safe. I didn't get sick (as I did with booze) also it enhanced the effect of booze so didn't need to drink so much. I think your option of treatment with a psych is amazing and with all that you have going on will help with some of that burden you are trying to shoulder alone. I was like you, looked for help, but never with the actual addiction in the open. too ashamed and fearful of repercussions. Ultimately though, I kinda think its irrelevant in some ways as its our coping mechanisms and thought patterns that need the help and the substance is only the solution, not necessarily the causation of that. Gabor Mate has written books on the psychology of addiction. I have read some articles and I remember when I was volunteering at the addiction agency, the students used to refer to him a lot as well as Terence Gorski. I will get some their books I think. Now I feel in a good place, I would like to know more about how we addicts tick.

[mollyka]

Re: Army August 2022

Morning....one thing I learnt in treatment Elsie was that anything and everything should be negotiable in your life except for drinking. I was completely sidelined by Joe and his poxy business for years...what I did was SO unimportant...yeah ...holding down a job...rearing 4 kids singlehandedly..running the house..bills..finances..along with negotiating a bullying family..a little nun in treatment centre (when he told her he wouldn't be able to visit me on a Wednesday) eyeballing him and told him..and I quote 'I'd love to stick your shop up your arse'....my oh my...did things change!???!!
I dropped friends...relations..anything that was toxic in my life...and I would have dropped Joe if he hadn't changed.

Sobriety is everything.

Heading home now...one of the best holidays I've ever had!

[starty]

Re: Army August 2022

'I'd love to stick your shop up your arse'....my oh my...did things change!???!!
I dropped friends...relations..anything that was toxic in my life...and I would have dropped Joe if he hadn't changed.

Sobriety is everything.

Heading home now...one of the best holidays I've ever had!

And you had it with the dogger!

Love that nun! Was she in treatment or one of the workers?

[mollyka]

Re: Army August 2022

And you had it with the dogger!

Love that nun! Was she in treatment or one of the workers?

She was one of the counsellors ...she was in her late 80's and sharp as a tack....love loved LOVED her...she singlehandedly changed my life...she recommended the treatment centre ..and again I quote 'if only to get away from himself for a month'...big wink at him tho...and they became great pals!!

[mollyka]

Re: Army August 2022

She was based in Aftercare centre not Áiseirí...a lad in AA put us onto her

[satz123]

Re: Army August 2022

they've offered me again to go to her and will foot the bill for the first 3 sessions and if it seems like it could help, will help further, they'll help with the costs. there's also the opportunity here in Germany, to go for a "KUR".. it's usually a 3 week in patient program that's paid for through insurance where one can go for whatever.. burn out, addiction, etc..

TAKE IT ALL - all the help you can get. You are so lucky to have employers who understand + the KUR - so don't even think twice about it.
Apart from that I agree with the wise ladies above.

[satz123]

Re: Army August 2022

Gabor Mate has written books on the psychology of addiction. I have read some articles and I remember when I was volunteering at the addiction agency, the students used to refer to him a lot as well as Terence Gorski. I

[MENTION=22456]starty[/MENTION] I'm looking at one of Gabor Mate's books Hungry Ghosts, as I type.
YS, of all people, gave it to me & said it was excellent.