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[imatree]

I am suddenly so angry it hurts to breathe, to blink, to be.
ANGRY AT ALCOHOL.

I love my man but I told him to move out because of alcohol. His kids and mine have so much fun together on the weekends, but that's going to end, because I've told him to move out because of alcohol.

My mother's father was a drunk. And he raped her when she was a girl.
My father was a drunk and beat up my brothers and emotionally abused me. Subsequently, one of my brothers killed himself when he was 16. Btw, he had alcohol in his blood at time of death.
Years ago I watched as my drunken sister abused and neglected my neices. Now I see those neices abuse their own children.
My oldest brother, whom I don't remember ever having seen without a can of beer in his hand, died at 57 of liver disease.


I am about to lose the man I love because alcohol's grip on him is so strong, and I can't get control of my own drinking while living with him.
My daughter is ten and I feel like I have missed far too much of her childhood because I was too hungover to be all that involved with her.
I am fat, my mind isn't nearly as sharp as it used to be, and I have no friends. Pretty much can put this mostly on alcohol.

I AM PISSED OFF.

How can this substance cause so much pain and loss???
And how can we watch all this pain and loss and continue to pour it down our throats???

[sammys]

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I say you should be mad, be as mad as you want. I think being mad means you are ready to fight for what you want. You are now going to war with alcohol and it better watch out.

You will win this fight and be stronger for it. I have been mad like you and it has helped me decide what is right for me. It did not help me to cry and be down, I finally got stronger when I did get mad like you.


Sammys

[Determinatrix]

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Imatree,
Anger is one of the stages needed to go thru toward acceptance.
Live in this moment and learn all you can about your anger.
Why who how what; all of it.

I love your signature: On my way to freedom.

Dx

[SKendall]

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Hi Ima, I am so sorry for all of the pain you have endured. Alcoholic is a killer to be sure of emotions, physical effects and all that domino from that.

I know that you recently stopped your AD's. If you haven't already done so, I would encourage you to stop by the Holistic Healing site. There are a couple of supplements there that seem to really help.

You are doing your best to extracate yourself from the alcohol effects of your bf to enable more emotional security for your child - I applaud that greatly.

Just take it a step at a time. We will always be here for you. :h

[SKendall]

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I encore everything Dx has said, we were posting at the same time.

[magic]

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Anger

Hi Imatree,,

Just last night my daughter and I were in the alley behind our house admiring the magnificent tree we have growing right beside our house.
We can't really see all of it from the yard, it is too high and too wide. It's not very straight and has many branches that should have been pruned over the years that were not, they just add to its beauty. I don't even know it's name, I just know that I love it.

I want to share with you something that I learned early on in my journey, as your story sounds very much like mine. I was extraordinarily angry too. Most of the time.
I began to realize though that most of the feelings I thought were anger were really hurt feelings. It was easier to feel anger than hurt, I could deal with anger better, I thought.

It took weeks to think this through but it worked for me and helped a lot.

It is incredibly hard to leave a relationship no matter what the reason.

I wish you strength.

magic xx :schmokin:

[Mags]

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Ima
I don't know what to add to what others have written. Yes, magic, anger is often confused with hurt - and also with guilt - many things. But anger is part of the struggle - I believe all alcoholics are angry - but ironically it is also part of the solution. Use your anger to channel you in the right direction - think of your sweet daughter and the anger she will feel later in life if you do not deal with this now. Losing (or kicking out) someone you love is very difficult. But I would rather lose a man than lose myself or my daughter.
Good luck to you. I am so sorry for your pain.

[YoungAtHeart]

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Anger is one of the many feelings that we have to feel to let ourselves get over this sick thing we have about alcohol. I'm 100% behind you, Imatree. I'm sorry that alcohol has such a strong grip on your boyfriend that he is choosing it over your relationship and his children's happiness. I'm so proud that you are choosing to fight for yourself and for your daughter.

Love and hugs,:l :h
Kathy

[louise]

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I too love your signature. I think your anger is a stage, just a feeling, like a wave, that will help take you there. I am sorry for your pain. You have been through so much. I am so glad to hear you are going to take a stand and stop this cycle in your family. Hugs to you Ima.

[paraniod]

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Hi Ima

I am so sorry to hear that things aren't going well. But I am also so proud of you to be so brave in order to make these changes. I can't imagine how hard it must be to have to make that decision and to know it is being made because of a substance.
I am sure that you hae heard the story of how many generations it takes to break cycles. Good for you, for being that start. I would be mad if I were you too.
There is only one thing that you said that I don't agree with. You stated that you don't have any friends. I know that we are not able to be with you in person but please consider us your friends.

[rachel28]

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ima, u have so many reasons to be angry, an many reasons to b sad , im sure having a good weekend with kids is making it harder, if u stick with your plan, an your bf moves out he may be able to get a grip, an realise what wonderful times u have together, if alcohol is out of the equatuion, where u still going to continue the relationship, an c his kids etc at weekends, that sounded a good idea, giving u time time to enjoy your daughter an time to get your head where u want it to be, stay strong, an stay hopeful, u sound such a wonderul lady, lots a love xx

[cassy]

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Hi Ima...change is possible..i hope you are on the road there...small steps will get you to a better place.

so sorry you are in a dark place right now...hope it passes and you move towards the freedom you so crave. good luck and thinking of you

Cassy

[julie001]

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Hang in there. The anger will pass. The less you drink the more your rational brain will tell you that you did the very best thing for your daughter and for you. Good luck.

Julie

[irishlady]

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Hi Ima, your story is similar to mine in that my father was an alcoholic who died when he was 63 from liver cancer.. My younger sister has three children and she is an alcoholic who verbally and emotionally abuses them, I no longer have anything to do with her.. When I was growing up my father abused me, not sexually, but he used to hit me with his belt on a regular basis and punch me as well as verbally abuse me, robbing me of any confidence I might have had in myself, and I do remember with pain that my mother never, ever took my side and stuck up for me.. I also had an uncle who died from alcohol..

When I stopped drinking last year it wasn't from anger but fear, I could see the darkness that was starting to swallow me up and it scared me.. Once I got a handle on the drinking and had my sobriety under control THEN I got angry, angry at all the wasted years, wasted opportunities, angry at alcohol itself for the hold it has on people...

Anger can be a force for good, use your anger wisely to build a new life for yourself and your daughter..

I wish you all you wish for yourself,

Love, Louise xxx

[Change]

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Hi IMA Tree,

I am sorry for all that has happened to your family, especially your mum and you and your brother. I had a sister that committed suicide and i don't believe the pain ever goes away, and i believe that family abuse and neglect play a big part. Lack of family support plays a big part in the resources people seek out and the opportunities that they either have or don't have.

Anyway, all that aside, i believe this anger inside of you might have always been there, and as a result of feeling powerless (due to all the abuse), perhaps you are feeling angry now?

I think you made the right decision with not living with that guy and i applaud your strength, because it is hard standing up to your friends and 'loved ones' in relation to drinking. And, the weight... well, you can lose that, but one step at a time. You will find you will lose more when you are not drinking, as alcohol is very fattening.

It seems like you have a lot going for you with your horticulture course and all, so i am wishing you good luck and all the good things in life