In need of help

[hablur]

Hello all,

Some of you may know of my home situation. I wont go into it other than to briefly say that I am a caretaker for my wife who has bi-polar. Over the years there has been ups and downs and my drinking is a reflection of this.

I by no means blame her, after all I am the one that put the bottle to my lips, no one forced me. I think it is the situation that helped get me there. Now it is a habit I have used for so long to cope.

Her treatment continues and she has improved somewhat but I would say I am still picking up about 30% of the slack now. The trouble is I am burnt beyond belief.

I have been trying to work the MWO program and been on 100mg Topa (which has removed all physical cravings) but I am still drinking 4 nights a week. The stress is still there and I still feel like crap in my heart. I get on the boards and post and really have ups and downs thinking at one moment I can do it and feel real strong then the evil side in my head just takes over at night.

Last Wednesady my wife and I were really discussing this issue and we did some very good chatting and I started opening up about how I feel about some things and she said I sounded depressed. Heh. Well I don't feel depressed! Well, the long and short of it is, I am likely depressed. I went online and found about 10 different tests for depression and scored moderate to severe on all of them in thier scoring. So I have made an appointment with my PDoc for the 19th and today I have an appointment with a Councilor at 1pm.

My past, and particularly the present situation in which I live is truly preying on my conscious mind on a daily basis that until I can get that under control I will be very blunt: I will not be able to control drinking. At least that is how I feel about it. Oh and don't get me wrong. I totally don't want that as I know it is really damaging me physically and really is just a bandage emotionally.

Thanks for listening all.

[rachel28]

In need of help

oh hablur, u sound like u hve a lot on your shoulders, having to be the 1 to cope is hard, u sound a really cool guy an like u have been strong for a long time, maybe letting, your true feelings out to someone than your wife is really gonna help i hope, i dont really know what to advise but dont gve up, xxx

[paula]

In need of help

Hi Hablur,
very often drinking and depression go hand in hand. I did not recognise that I was
depressed, even though I had all the symptoms i.e. feeling low in mood, waking
early in the morning, lethargy, unable to concentrate. When I went to see my dr.
he prescribed an antidepressant, which I'm still taking and I feel much better now.
Can't you get to see your doctor before 19th July?, it seem's a long time to wait.
Best wishes Paula.

[betty boop]

In need of help

Hi Hablur, so sorry that you are feeling this way .....

Talking to a counsellor will really help, i've had counselling for depression in the past, and it's amazing how much it helps ....

All the best, hang in there ....

Love & Hugs, BB xx

[nancy]

In need of help

dealing with depression

I know how you feel, alcohol seems to help these overwhelming thoughts and feelings. but it creates problems in itself. so the solution is no solution at all.

Antidepressants and good counselling definitely help with depression. But sometimes the life situation needs to change in order to feel better. Trouble is, when you are depressed, you can't see solutions in a positive light. You start to think you deserve unhappiness. it's not true though, it's just the depression talking. When you start counselling and taking antidepressants, you start to see windows opening up and ways to make positive changes. But the changes do need to be made, in my experience it is not just about taking some pills. Interview the counsellors over the phone first to see if they are good. Ask for someone who has a direct approach, someone who offers opinions and gives you direction, not someone who sits there and just takes notes and smiles sympathetically.

let us know how it goes.

[tea]

In need of help

Hi Hablur, sorry you are so down just now, I can only reiterate what is said above but I'm sure there will be more advice to follow shortly. Thinking of you, keep posting.

L

[beatle]

In need of help

I can really relate to your situation. Mine is similar but different.

Whenever I come to the place where the drinking is clearly the major problem, then I have to attack it full frontal. But I can see you are at a place where other things are more demanding.

I'll stick out my neck and dare to be a little controversial here... I think it's ok to put your drinking problem on back burner a little--- just DO NOT LET IT GO. You have a lot to deal with now, and taking the bull by the horns might not be possible for you at the moment. But just try and try and try to keep it under control. In other words, I'd say, just don't lose it all to the bottle, but if you need a little, ok. That's where I am now. I'm trying to keep things together. I have big responsibilities. I KNOW I have to get rid of the drink forever and I KNOW I will. I have it in mind all the time. But I can't take it head on right now. I will (again) as soon as I can and meantime, I try to think think think, just drink as little as possible.

Baby steps, they say. Big steps, I say. Anyway, any moderation is better than not. I'm not sober now, but I'm not drunk and I will not be tonight. I'm sure. Tomorrow, I will be even better. Just try always to think about what you put in your mouth.

[Bella]

In need of help

Hablur....you are doing everything right. Seeking help from your Dr and talking to a counseller. This is fantastic to hear! You are obviously under alot of stress and pressure, so seeking help is great. The only thing that worries me is you say your drinking will be out of control? If you could just try and hang in there till you start counselling, and then you can talk and find solutions to your problems as drinking will only make them worse. I had counselling for depression, drink, abuse etc.. and when I had a clear head (which wasn't often!) I found my way through my darkness alot quicker. You sound like you have the world on your shoulders. I am glad you are able to come here and share your concerns, it helps to know that you are not alone. People want to help. Take care. Bella xxx

[psychmommy]

In need of help

Oh Hablur. . . I'm sorry you're having a difficult time. You know your posts are often my favorite. I'm glad you're getting some outside help. It is perfectly reasonable to feel depressed given all you have going. Maybe an antidepressant will help take the edge of the depression. I have to agree with Beatle, maybe focusing on the drinking and the depression is too much right now. Maybe if you can get the depression under control by working with your councelor and doctor, the drinking with follow. Maybe you need a little more topa.

It sounds like you've made some progress with getting your drinking habits under control despite being depressed. That's something to feel good about. It sounds like your taking the proper steps to attack the depression. Hang in there. :l

[hablur]

In need of help

Oh Bella, I can certainly understand how you got that imprssion. By no means am I going to allow myself to get out of control. I simply meant that until I can get some of these other issues under control it will be very difficult to fight the drinking problem exclusively.

I really don't have any idea if anyone here understands what it is like to be the caregiver to someone that is an adult and your spouse but it is very emotionally draining. The history behind it is very painful and it is getting better but like all things, it builds and builds and I am to the point where I just feel dead inside.

I spoke to my Mom this weekend and she said I am a heck of a lot stronger than I think I am but at this point I don't feel it. I need to find more strength so I can be there again for my family more in spirit than just in body. That goes with drinking too.

[cassy]

In need of help

Hi Hab..i am not a carer but i work as a social worker with carers and have listened and witnessed the strain it places on them physically and emotionally.

some carers cope by getting regular breaks whilst the cared for person goes into a respite setting. Maybe you could get some help at home to ease the loadI guess with bi polar it depends on when your wife is really unwell and how that presents?

any chance of doing hobbies for yourself regulary..we all need stuff to look forward to dont we.

i dont know what support you have from family or friends but maybe you can take the opportunity of any support for you both.

Can you talk with your wife and her psychiatric support team as to what support they can offer..best to ask before you reach a breaking point isnt it?Are there any carer supprt groups you belong to or could join to share your experience etc.

Not pretending i understand your situation but hear how awful you feel at present....hope you get on well with your appt on 19th.

take care of yourself.

regards Cassy

[roxane]

In need of help

hi hablur.

similar but different, in that i care for my husband who has terminal cancer.
my drinking day to day helps me cope with the emotional stuff, I'm numb. no way does it help me with thinking clearly, making choices and decisions which, frankly, could be life or death.

i think that you cope. that is, manage the situation. it takes its toll without you realising it, and then you think 'can i still do this?' you will.

people tell me to look after myself, but the thing is that you are on standby all the time and dont think about yourself. you know you should, and one of the things you can do is stop drinking. but that is stressful in itself.
my drinking day to day though, helps me . . .. . and so the thought loop goes on.

its not easy. you have done the right thing by asking for counselling and you have said your wifes treatment is working for her. keep that thought.

roxane

[Guest]

In need of help

Am so sorry you feel so despairing hablur. So glad you can come here to talk and let us know how you`re feeling. It`s very true that drink is never an answer to or remedy for anything, but it`s so tempting to just try to mask our troubles with the booze so it appears as if we`re coping.

I would never advise anyone to drink as a way of coping, but I think that sometimes we have to address other issues in our lives to allow us to address the drinking in turn.

Be kind to yourself. You are caring and giving, but life is very demanding for you at this time, so you also must care for yourself. I hope you get the help you deserve and that you feel better soon.

Much love,

Starlight Impress

[MDBiker]

In need of help

hablur, I too can understand what is going on with your life. My heart goes out to you. I know you say you don't have physical cravings, but if you would try to increase the dosage a little bit the mental cravings might go away too. I promise you nothing could stop me from drinking when I was taking the topa. I just increased the dosage everytime I could until at about 250mg I didn't want a drink at all. I was still drinking when I got to that point and I would find myself without my drink and not know where I has set it down. It wasn't important to me anymore. I am not a Dr., and it is really up to you, but increasing the dosage probably won't hurt anything except your pocket book, and it might change your life.

God Bless
bear

[louise]

In need of help

Hablur and Roxane, I have no advice, but have been there and send you both my unconditional love and hugs.