Any tips on intimacy issues

[ignominous]

Hi I'm fairly new to this. Been posting on the Baclofen forum for about a month.

That's why I'm here asking for help. The Bac has allowed me to see that I have some major crossed wires in my brain. Simply put my feelings of insecurity are best summed up by "in to me see". I'm terrified of it and at the same time long for it.

I can see myself sabotaging my efforts to get sober if I don't finally face up to and resolve these issues as they arise.

Any pointers, ideas eagerly awaited.

[hazeleyes]

Any tips on intimacy issues

Hi Ig
Not sure what you mean, can you expand of what the problem is a bit more?

[ignominous]

Any tips on intimacy issues

The immediate problem is that I don't feel safe or secure talking to people openly. I don't know where to put the boundaries. Even on a forum like this without eye contact and without you being able to discover my real identity I feel I'm treading on dangerous ground.

Already I feel transference coming on to the few people who have made friendly comments. I've never been in therapy and its not an option where I live.

I had an overbearing mother that continues to have great influence over my mood even though we don't live on the same continent.

I know its like asking for the secret to life in a nut shell but any ground rules about how to define yourself or boundaries would be helpful. For instance if I want to take the piss out of someone here is there a question (or something) I could ask myself so I know if it's appropriate or not.

Any help is needed. I know I need to address this in order to function AF

Also I think I'm falling in love with you!

[Guitarista]

Any tips on intimacy issues

I love you too Ig!

This forum is anonymous, so let it rip. Talk openly as you like. Try it. I can express my feelings here about anything, especially if it relates to alcohol, sobriety, and feeling's, anxiety in social situation's, one on one relationships/communication and getting ourselves back on track, and i alway's get constructive, thoughtful feedback.
Take the piss out of me anytime if you like. I really don't mind.......
Most folk's here won't judge you, so it's a great place to express oneself, and ask question's, as you're doing. Let it rip friend.

Best wishes on your journey. G.

[Tabbers (a.k.a. KTAB)]

Any tips on intimacy issues

Ditto Ig.

[Popeye]

Any tips on intimacy issues

ignominous;974663 wrote:
For instance if I want to take the piss out of someone here is there a question (or something) I could ask myself so I know is it appropriate or not.

I sometimes go a bit far on here but it's never with the intention to hurt.
I've got a sense of humour that might go beyond some people's taste and often have to adjust my phrasing to suit. There's a lot of fun to be had on the boards. It's the same as in real life. A thoughtless word can cause so much damage even with the best intent but once you get to know someone you can better judge their character.

About your mother...
I'm a firm believer in clearing the air.
Some people just can't see that your life isn't theirs and feel the need to try to impose their rules on others, often in the misguided belief that they know something you don't. Advice is fine but so is not taking it. Due to some decisions I've made over the last couple of years, I've had to tell a few people where they stand and more to the point, where I stand. It took me a while to realise that my opinion is as valid as anyone else's and that following my own rules is OK. I don't argue about it. I don't have to. If I feel pressure, I put an end to it, something which a few years ago I would have felt quite uncomfortable about, but I suppose that's one of the advantages of getting older.

[Topsy-Turvy-Tracy]

Any tips on intimacy issues

Ig, I think it's actually harder when you can't read facial expression or hear tone of voice.

Boundaries aren't set in stone and you can always move them around if it suits you.

Someone suggested to me to always ask three questions before speaking: Is it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary? The problem I have with that approach is that truth tends to be in the eye of the beholder. And often if it is true, it is not kind; and if it is kind, it often is not "necessary." So, I see the three questions as saying "Shut the heck up unless you can say something kind and truthful to someone who really needs to hear it." This forum wouldn't exist under those circumstances, and most important discussion would be silenced.

I think it's a pretty good idea not to risk hurting someone's feelings unless you know their intentions. If you don't know their intentions, asking can make for interesting discussion. But their world will not be shattered if you decide to take the piss out of them instead, and the biggest risk in my mind is making myself look like a fool. I just hate doing that - and I'm so good at it!

Regarding your mom, my mother has been dead for four years. I'm just now starting to move past her criticisms and judgments (and, ironically, stop missing her).

[Toni]

Any tips on intimacy issues

Welcome Ing, i am also new here . I really fell popeye nailed it. It's hard to know where we stand as most of us try to please others and not show our true feelings. I am really working on that and it is surprizing how people respond. As fo "take the piss out of them" I have never heard this term and am not sure what it means.

[ignominous]

Any tips on intimacy issues

Toni, it's an English way of saying "take the mickey"

Everyone thank you.

KTAB I believe your bye line implicitly, I live in a country where life is hard. The decisions faced are not to buy the next Ipod but how to earn enough to feed the family for the next week. I have at last succumbed to the Western belief that life should be perfect. And I'm going to try (at least on this slice).

Guitar I will and have let it rip. I don;t see an alternative. Thanks for the green light. I just don't know how long I can sustain this openess without loosing my very fabric.

When I started this post I was definitely not going to reply one by one which I'm doing. However you have all made comments pertaining to my favorite subject. Me. So they're warranted.

Popeye I so want to clear the air. My parents are 84 and although I sometimes think my mother will outlive me I realise I'm just being pessimistic. My last attempt at reconciliation resulted in my mother telling me not to expect anything from them now or when they die (in the will). I couldn't give a fuck about the money...........well maybe a fuck,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,but that is a distant last to what I want to do.

Tipsy Oh ... my mistake... Topsy You are a many faceted personality, as am I. I like the 3 questions, thats exactly the dialogue that would go on with me. If I could read facial expressions I would freeze.

[Toni]

Any tips on intimacy issues

wow I dont know what take the mickey means either.
my mother was an alcoholic who said she would rather drink than spend time with her kids and grandkids. She passed in March, was in a nursing home where she couldnt have booze so her and I mended our differences and know I even miss her. Hang in there Ing, it's all we can do

[ignominous]

Any tips on intimacy issues

Jesus Toni It means to "make fun of somebody"

Your mother was a real sweety. Hang on in there or freak the fuck out!

[Guest]

Any tips on intimacy issues

I have exactly the same issues. Basically once I got sober, and I mean long-term I found my confidence started to grow. I could look people in the eye, and when I couldn't I worked on it. A bit of belief helps - in that you are an ok person, and people really like you.

Gets easier with practice.

[ignominous]

Any tips on intimacy issues

I read a book called "I'm OK, you're OK" shortly after I left England. I think that's whats been propping up the last remnants of my sanity for the last 20 years.

[IAD]

Any tips on intimacy issues

Ig....I read that book too.....after my devorce. A word to the wise on intimincy.....When you wisper sweet nothings into his ear...don't bite it ! ha! ( I'm sorry Ig....could'nt help myself..Ha!)

[techie]

Any tips on intimacy issues

ignominous;975405 wrote: I read a book called "I'm OK, you're OK" shortly after I left England. I think that's whats been propping up the last remnants of my sanity for the last 20 years.

Hi Ig, GREAT BOOK... old book but a great message. I think the feedback you've received thus far is terrific. Look, we all have boundaries. They're defined by our interactions. In other words, we get input by our output. If I choose to talk about my family, and expose some painful experiences, someone else may relate to that. That info share may become intimate. If it becomes too uncomfortable, then a boundary has been crossed, if you've defined one as such. It then is up to you to assess whether to pursue further (expand the boundary) or tell the person, I'm not comfortable discussing this further. Just presenting a simple example. But like Mr. G said, and I agree, let er rip. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. GREAT people here from all walks of life. I wish you nothing but the best. Techie