Just believe....

[karma7171]

I don't visit often anymore....but this forum is always a fresh reminder for me for where I was, what I have been though and where I am today. Many of the threads here were my story such a short time ago. The once you started and could not stop and doing the most ridiculous things. I have had many ups and downs with the board and the MWO program. I even abandoned it and tried to throw myself into AA. Neither really worked for me.

For me now I am not sure there is really such a thing as an alcoholic. Rather I believe our brain chemicals become out of balance and when our hard drive is in charge it will do anything to get what it needs. They would like you think that only 10% of the population is born with this...but explain to me why over 50% of the population is overweight. We choose alcohol, some choose food, some choose hard drugs and some a combination of it.

I had find out what it would take to balance me out. I was on Zoloft and since getting that crap out of my system I have been better than ever. It took time and experimenting with different supplements and stuff. What works for one...does not work for another. The book "Natural Highs" really turned it around for me.

I used to drink until I was sick and passed out and could easily spend the whole next day in bed. Now if I drink it is 5-6 lite beers on ice (they just were getting warm too fast...a joke before for me). There is no 1,2,3 program and here are the magic results.

But I do think that if more could look at it as a brain chemical imbalance and work on balancing it they can get there. Abs was great for a time ( 7 months), but not realistic for me. Mods was a joke...I can't count drinks. Even if I did...5 was my turn on point...rather than now my turn off point.

You are all great and awesome people. Don't let anyone..not even you...tell you that you can't do something. I am proof that it can be done. And a lot of oldies here know how low I went and how hopeless I felt.

Drinking now is just no longer an issue for me or my family. If I drink it is max 6 lite beers and I pop out of bed at 7a ready to go. This a a far, far cry from where I was before. I really believed that I had to be abs to feel as good as I do now. But it was not me and not being me sucked!

The world didn't change, just how I see it. I feel like me again...which I had not felt for so long. And I like me.

Which is all I ever wanted. There is hope, but it?s not an overnight process. Go easy on yourselves. I only take natural supplements and no medication now. After what I have been through I doubt a doctor could give me an antibiotic and I would take it.

Believe in yourself. Forget what others think or even you think. I had to erase my brain of some of my beliefs in order to get well.

Karma

[bootcampbarbie]

Just believe....

wow so great to have you post. i love it when peeps that haven't been around awhile come back and give some words of wisdom love and care. i am going to go and get that book. thanks for the tip. and yes, it is all about everything you said. i totally believe in that fully. having been a card carrying member of aa for many years. it worked but didn't. now i'm about erasing the beliefs and having a new life. so right on karma. come join us on the thread 30 days.... by luv anytime. it's well a home group. and karma i believe in you and me since there is no difference really. we are all one and the same afterall. just having a varied difference of reality yes? yes. and after having a really heartfelt conversation with hubby this weekend, we talked about how much i've changed just even getting on the topa. so for me the topa works. and i'd say in this world do what works and leave the rest behind. there is afterall something for everyone. and for my hubby he'd like to see me be full on af i think but i'm just not sure i'm wanting to go back to that again. i just haven't made that commitment even though i'm af now. still, haven't quite decided to take that plunge. one thing i can say is this. i don't want to do stay up all nite drinking and then have to sleep all the next day cuz at this age i simply can't be normal the next day anymore. ahhhh it does catch up with you folks. now, as to on the boards. sorry if you had a rough time of it on the boards. hummm. is there a way to have a rough time? you'll have to explain that. i think for me i make alot up in my head about what people think about me and in the end i'm sure they think about me very little in their life. they are very busy wondering what people are thinking about them. the boards are well quirky. clicks are fun and there are a few of them here but i still find those folks awfully friendly to let me in when i want to play. and other than that, it is a good place to come to and have folks touch on the places you are willing to go. i'd say i'm very politically incorrect for this board. so probably not a good reference. still having said that there is room for all. i just speak from my heart. so some will get it and most won;t. so karma isn't it that way in every room you go to?//////// lol. for what it's worth i get you and hear you and feel you. and i thank you. bed time bootcamp is way early a.m.

[out]

Just believe....

that was awsome...

thank you so much Karma! I struggle back and forth with that, "just be yourself" or "I really need to change, stop drinking so much or all together (yikes!). Some people can go through periods where the eat too much, drink to much, smoke to much and then get their chemistry better together and "moderate" without counting ( I can't do that either, it would be like counting potato chips) or without stress.

I have been trying to get past the worry that I'll have to quit all together and that is just as stressful as my recent habits. I beleive my binge drinking is a habit, eating too much and not exercising enough are habits, anxiety is a habit, depression is a habit, albeit that doesn't mean they are easy to change or that you can always do it on your own. Most adults do something that either helps them cope or just makes them feel good. Having a buzz isn't always escapist, sometimes it just feels good and we are pleasure seaking creatures. Outside of wine or beer with dinner as a compliment to the food I don't see why anyone would drink without wanting to alter their state if even just a little. I am one of those smokers that real smokers hate, as a matter of fact I don't really consider myself a smoker. I have one sometimes after dinner, I have many while I drink, but then they go aside and I hardly even think about them during the week. Most former smokers tell me that they can't do that. No, right now I suppose they can't, I have been there too. I used to smoke 1 -1/2 packs a day when I was younger, I was painfully addicted to the things. I abstained, I started, I abstained, I started. I started, I cut back. I counted and tried to wait it out till the end of the day to smoke, it was all I could do not to think about it. I tried to not count, but just be concious of my smoking. If I was going to do it I wanted to sit down and really smoke, not huff it in on my way somewhere. My brother once said to me, "you never really quit, you just go a long time between cigarettes". But now after many years of not being able to moderate smoking it just happened over time. Most of the time I can take it or leave it, not always ( I must smoke while drinking), but yet most of the time is OK with my. I kinda hope the same thing with happen with drink.


I am so glad to hear of your success, as I like you am trying to find ways of restoring chemical balance and have had my fair share if rants on anti depressants and what they have done to me and others. If you have the oppertunity I would love to hear what suppliments you took/take and the things you have done/do to rebalance your chemistry...either here or in an e-mail. This was just the message I needed to read today. Thanks

[Bean]

Just believe....

Hey Karma, cool post, thanks for that. I might PM you. Good to hear there is another way besides Mods or Abs/MWO/AA. The chemical balance thing has been on my mind a lot and I agree with everything you said. Also have had exactly the same experience with cigarettes. Would like to get to that place or a better place with alcohol without having to go abs or 'endure' the constant monitoring of mods when it consumes your thoughts all day. Feel really inspired that someone out there (YOU!) has achieved that balance. I'm going to get there too at some point.
Bean

[karma7171]

Just believe....

Thanks

Bootcamp....my hubby doesn't want me abs all the time...he likes me a bit loosened up. We went through a tough time when I was in AA....He just doesn't want me fall down drunk and all that crap. Neither do I...and haven't been in quite some time. And now off the anti-depressants he appreciates having a wife with a sex drive

Out--I think all the habit you speak of are just chemical imbalances. It drives you to keep repeating the same pattern over and over. I agree about just liking to have a buzz. I am not escaping...if anything I am diving back into life at full speed. I am hesitant to go over the supps I take. It is different for everyone....and the supps I take now are not on a schedule...rather my body lets me know what it needs when..and I take it. But now I take very few. Mostly just a b-50 for energy (no Diet Pepsi anymore), l-glut for tension and 5-htp for connectedness. I never take more than 1 5-htp a day. One day I took 3 and my mind was just going with great ideas...but it had to stop i couldn't keep up.

Bean..you are welcome to PM me. I don't check in everyday...but when I pick it up I will certainly answer.

Best to all of you. Most importantly be you and enjoy being you.

Karma

[Finkle]

Just believe....

Hi there Karma,

I am new to this site and have read most of the stories, which are reminiscent of my "good self". I am also on Zoloft and also drink on it. I have had my doubts about this particular anti-depressant and also notice when I don’t have it for a day or so my mood lifts ten fold. I however have panic disorder and am scared not to take it for fear of panic attacks (which alcohol also brings on, catch 22). I have also tried the natural way. In the book "Natural High" is there any reference for panic disorder etc.???

[karma7171]

Just believe....

not directly

No she does not address panic disorder directly. Be careful of what you get diagnosed with. I had my first full out panic attack while driving to work in 2001. I refused to drive on the freeway for almost a year...and I was in freaking outside sales. The up side now is that I know every side street to get everywhere in and out of the city...which sometimes amazes people when there is a huge back up. It was then that I started a journey of trying to attack the panic...but this not being able to drive on a freeway literally threatened my job. I went to huge lengths to hide it and did well. But this never ending panic lead me to drink more in order to balance it out. Of course the alcohol only actually fueled it....but after a full day in panic of having to get on a freeway or someone finding out that I couldn't drive on one....sent me directly home to drink to relieve it. It was awful and exhausting. I do not reccomend this as a cure...but one day after visiting a good friend who just had delivered a still born child at 36 weeks made me literally snap out of it. After she had relayed her horrifying story I was no longer afraid of the freeway and have driven fine ever since. Sometimes I will feel a smidge of it if I am tired and driving...but can come out of it. But when going through it...I would worry 24/7 when the next one would hit and now I know for almost a full year I was in some sort of panic mode.

That said...I still refused the medication until my 2nd son was born. It was then the ridiculous behavior started. Only it started so slowly that I didn't really correlate the two. I truly believe that had my doc put me on a holistic program with natural supplements my hell with panic could have ended in weeks rather than months....and then I would not have gone on the Zoloft and embarrassed myself back into panic.

That is what happend to me. You have to decide what makes sense for you. Getting off the Zoloft was hell. When I would try even slowly...I would end up in tears and my doc would convince me that I needed it. It took everything I had, but I am off and medication of any sort scares the living shit out of me.

Karma

[Mags]

Just believe....

Karma
Thanks so much for this post. It's great for all of us to hear success stories like yours. I am so happy for you. We can all get there in different ways - just as long as we get there. Thanks for your lovely words of understanding and inspiration.
:l

[groovychick]

Just believe....

thanks for the great post.

[Guest]

Just believe....

Hi Karma7171,

Thanks for posting and giving all of us so much renewed hope.
I really do believe that we can all get well and posts such as yours serve to reinforce that belief.

Thankyou.

Much love,

Starlight Impress

[Taking Control]

Just believe....

Karma,

I really enjoyed your post. I also believe that us addicts (drinking, smoking, gambling, eating, shopping......) have some sort of brain imbalance. This is why the entire population is not addicted to the same demon. Most of us have tried all of the above behaviors, but some of us keep coming back to the same behavior until it is an addiction. We have programmed our brain that a certain behavior makes us feel good. When it is a destructive behavior we are no longer in balance.

I'd like to check out the book Natrual High. It sounds very intersting. Thanks for sharing this.

TC

[Lotus]

Just believe....

Karma

That was so inspirational to read. I had heard of the chemical imbalance but dismissed it previously, but I do think that there may be a link. I keep saying that I cannot mod as I lose count but then I don't want to abstain forever. I just want to be in control but how can I do that if alcohol is controlling me!

I can't even get past day 1 AF now. It seems as if I am taking a backwards step.

[Doggygirl]

Just believe....

Karma, just wanted to say thanks for posting your story. Very interesting information.

DG

[southernbelle47]

Just believe....

Karma.....
Thank you for sharing your story.
As an oldtimer, I sometimes wonder about some special people who go away.

The Zoloft thing makes so much sense to me.
I've come off it before and would really like to do it again.
I know you have to do it very slowly but do you have any other advice?

Take care of yourself and those "boys"......

Love
:h Nancy

[lucky 2.0]

Just believe....

Karma,

Glad to know you are still doing well. We certainly think alike on this topic. I am taking some supps, feel great, and am abs. Exercising is a huge huge huge help to me also, as well as just plain good simple food. I am sticking to diet now of "If it was not around 100 years ago, I do not eat it." I think the omegas are a big part of my feeling good.

Continued success to you and all others!