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**Butterflybe** · July 12, 2007, 04:10 AM

my partner

Hi Nattie,
My heart goes out to you. Sounds as though your boyfriend has been supportive over the past few years, if you can, ask him to continue to help, he must love you. The difficulty in this is whether you want to ask or accept the help, I know 'coz my hubby has supported me for years and when he confronts me or offers help it all goes 'pear shaped'. Now, I am trying with the support of MYO. AND still not accepting the help from hubby as I haven't told him! What am I like? Keep in touch.
Butterfly

**nattie** · July 12, 2007, 04:16 AM

my partner

thanks Butterfly.
I have told him about MWO but I think he is sceptical it will make any difference......like other things I have tried. His mind set seems to be we've been over this time & time again & you don;t change therefore why should I believe this time will be any different. And to be fair I see his point......how may times should he stand there & watch me do the same again & again.
I feel in general he is a bit embarrased by the whole thing & would like there to be a reason for it, not just one of those things you have to learn to control & live with.

love
Nattie
x

**Butterflybe** · July 12, 2007, 04:39 AM

my partner

Hi again Nattie
We probably all want a reason....... I know I'd like to find reasons. Hubby asks me 'why?' over and over again, he would like to find a reason. Wouldn't it be good if we knew why, it just sort of happens!
I hope your boyfriend will be supportive of you, especially in the knowledge that you are trying to help yourself with MWO. Hopefully he will reaslise that you do understand that there is a probelm as you are seeking help through MWO and that you want to deal with it. He needs to understand it is tough for you and that his support is wanted, but that you, perhaps, are not sure how you want him to support you. Well, that's how I feel and I think I can relate to your situation.
Be brave, really sounds as though you want to help yourself, so go for it. Easier said than done. Good luck & keep in touch.
Butterfly

**Lotus** · July 12, 2007, 04:47 AM

my partner

Nattie

I'm glad that you have spoken to him as I said the longer you leave it the harder it will get. I do find it unfair of him to say that because no one else in your family has a drink problem you don't neither. I understand that sometimes it is not easy. I promised myself when I went to a party a few weeks back I would not drink. I convinced myself it was only a few hours and if I wanted I will have one in my own house. But guess what? Got there and the temptation was too much. I got an empty water bottle and asked the bar-man to fill it up with of vodka and then I sneaked it into the toilets and drank it. Neat!!!

Tell him that you?re sorry for what you've done in the past. Maybe make an appointment with the counsellor or doctor and ask him to come with you. This may make him realise that there are other issues and that you are not deliberately trying to end the relationship. I haven't told my husband about MWO as he has a very different view of people who use forums. Perhaps you could get him to have a look on the site and show him how it works.

Sending my hugs to you.

Love Mandy x

:l

**nattie** · July 12, 2007, 05:32 AM

my partner

thanks Mandy & Butterfly.
When I first met him he was very inexperienced in any sort of life things, he had found it hard to form relationships with people as he had not had a very happy upbringing and tended to be quite angry. He has said to me previously that I have done loads for him in building his self confidence & encouraging him to do stuff he never would have been able to have the patience to do years ago.
I think in short he has leaned on me quite a bit & grown up a heck of a lot since I met him Maybe me admitting I need someone to lean on now & I'm maybe not the "superwoman" he first thought I was has not been what he wanted to hear.

x

**Lotus** · July 12, 2007, 05:40 AM

my partner

I'm sorry if I come across as critical - but sometimes men need reminding of when we helped them (not in a patronising way).

No wonder why you feel like this. In every relationship it takes both of you to make it work. There will be times you will carry him and times where you need him to carry you.

I've said this before somewhere on MWO that putting yourself first - if at least once - is not being selfish. You've probably been so busy in helping him build his life that you have neglected yours. I think now you need to look after yourself first.

**Butterflybe** · July 12, 2007, 05:50 AM

my partner

Maybe he wants to be your 'Knight in shining armour' but doesn't realise it yet as you have always looked after him and he could be scared to take that step.
Tell him you NEED him, not just to keep your relatioinship together, but to help you along the right path.
I am sure we all need to be needed, even those who like to bury their heads in the sand (or drown their worries) when the going gets tough.
Must get to work. Catch up later.
Butterfly

**Doggygirl** · July 12, 2007, 07:26 AM

my partner

((((Nattie))))) I hope you find a way to work this through with your BF and find the right solutions for yourself and your relationship.

DG

**Sweet Cheeks** · July 12, 2007, 09:23 AM

my partner

Hi Nattie,

I'm really sorry to hear your story, but I think it is alot more common than you think. I went through a stage where I was getting really drunk and making an exhibition of myself and my husband (who had incidentally been through it before with one partner), said that I needed to sort myself out or I would destroy our relationship.

Since then I've been on an alcohol rollercoaster, one week drinking in moderation, the next craving it like mad and sneaking drinks when he's not looking. I then realised how pathetic this behaviour actually is and am determined to do something about it.

Lotus and Butterfly are right - maybe doing a bit of reverse psychology and putting him in control will make him believe that he really is making a difference, just like you did to him.

Your first major step was logging on - the rest will follow in time.
Good luck
Sweet
xx

**nattie** · July 12, 2007, 10:28 AM

my partner

thanks Sweetcheeks - its good to hear I'm not the only one.
I sort of feel I've run out of him giving me "one more chance" - he said himself he feels sick coming home Saturday lumchtimes not knowing what I will be like. He won't accept my promises to try & change, not will be accept my apologies as he says I say sorry & do it again.
I can only carry on here with MWO & try as hard as I can to beat this thing - selfishly though I wish there were less pressure on me this week as him not talking to me is driving me mad to want to bring home a bottle of wine & sink it. But I know that won't help.
thanks for listening.

xx

**out** · July 12, 2007, 10:37 AM

my partner

OK, I'm going to say a few things at the risk...

of sounding like a jerk. Take it or leave it, but. You have been supportive of him and his needs for 7 years and when you come to him and tell him you have a problem...which I am sure was not easy to do and you put yourself in a vunerable position with him, he tells you you couldn't possibly have a problem because no one else in your family does, pardon me but bullshit! and that you only drink because blah, blah, blah and it somehow means that you don't respect or love him enough. He is being mean, sorry that is how I see it.

Even if he thinks he can't take it anymore...we can all know and accept that our drinking behavior can have a very painful effect on our loved ones and you are not denying that...after 7 years he should at least be sensitive enough to listen and be supportive when you open your heart and talk to him about it, whether or not he thinks he can handle sticking it out. He feels you have hurt and disrespected him and he is trying to hurt and disrespect you and that is childish and well... mean. I am not saying he is a bad person or that you shouldn't try to work it out. I don't know him and only know what is posted here. It just sounds like you are doing all the work trying to either make it work or at least communicate respectfully to each other after 7 years of partnership and he is folding his arms and blaming you. My dear you need to do what you need to do to take care of yourself in all ways and to think about the ways in which you have been a good partner to him...I'm sure there are many. If you guys work it out, I'll be happy for you, but not at the price of you feeling responsible and guilty about his moods or actions.

You said that up until a couple of weeks ago he was drinking too. Perhaps he doesn't think he can keep himself sober if you are imbibing...that would be understandable. I just think, if that is the case, he is projecting his own past misbehavior onto you and he needs to man up and admit his own struggles as you have done, then you could actually support each other..come what may. Our drinking can certainly be painful and embarrssing to those we love and I have empathy for him, but I have it for you also. No relationship is one way and I hate to see you feeling all the responsibilty for what is happening. Take Care.

**Finkle** · July 12, 2007, 08:01 PM

my partner

Wow what a lot of pressure your under. I told my other half last night about my impending moderation and he is going to moderate too. He has been embarrassed by me on MANY occasions too. So I and many other know exactky how you feel.

Does your BF drink at all???

**nattie** · July 13, 2007, 02:54 AM

my partner

thanks Finckle & Out
Out.....what you said really hit home - he is a very childish person at times & I have spent many occasions defending him when others have said that. He can also be very cruel with his words, he has never hit me & Iwould like to think Iwould walk if he did, but sometimes words can be just as bad.
I am quite sentsitive & in general if something is worng I tend to assume it's my fault - this time he is fuelling that fire by saying that yes, I am a mess, & no, he's not too sure I am what he wants in a partner.
Yesterday he asked my neighbour (who is a counseller) if she could reccomend a counseller for me to see, even asked if she would be prepared. How rude - I am more than capapble of sorting that out myself & I would rather he didn't make my problems any more publice than I have done so myself already. Thing is if I said this to him he would retort abot all the times I have made a public drunken show of myself & that it's mild compared to that.

I am slowly coming to the decision that maybe he is not right for me. I hate to say it but he seems to have turned into someone different to the person I met all those years back. We live a hour drive from my friends & family - a move he instigated. I do not drive the motorways as I end up getting panic attacks & therefore I am reliant on people visiting me. I am wondering whether this has all been instigated under my nose all these years & feeling pretty stupid if it has.

Finckle - he does drink and sometimes binges but can always stop when he wants. I can only manage a few days & certainly not the weekends.

x

**Butterflybe** · July 13, 2007, 03:05 AM

my partner

Morning Nattie,
You sound very down today and negative about keeping your relationship going. Your BF speaking to a nieghbour yesterday about counselling sounded a positive move in that he wants to help you, but I agree, it does make things public and not what you want or need at the moment. I too would have reacted as you have, but am trying to find the 'positive' there for you to see.
You need to look after yourself at the moment. Hope the day gets better.
Butterfly

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