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    Dark Blue!

    I've been going in and out of the site wanting to post but I'm so low I just don't. I'm embaressed of myself because I have created all the mess around me! It's not that I do it on purpose or that I'm a bad person I just create bad situations and effect other people's lives with my decisions.

    I drank very heavily on my birthday and wanted to go AF on Monday. Had 1 beer on monday (left from party), had 2 on tuesday (found those in the freezer- just like the ad!) That felt okay but yesterday I gave in to the tequila AND went to the pub. Fought with my partner (also has a prob with drink but MUCH better than me!)

    I'm going through a depression at the moment (I know what people say about us "mad drunks" but hey, alcohol caused my depression I'm sure). I just wanted to feel relaxed and happy for a while, I did until we both got drunk and fought. My gf is stressed because I've got no job and money is non-existant at the moment. It's like a snake eating it's own tail. I lost my job because of my alcoholic-depression and now I don't have the motivation to get one because of my a-d. If I don't find a cash flow I'm on the street, I really think she's serious this time.

    Help! I know I should be posting positive and helpful words but I need to be honest somewhere. I'm hiding from my friends and my mother because I feel like such a loser. :upset:
    Full is not nearly as heavy as empty, my love...
    Not nearly. -Fiona Apple-

    #2
    Dark Blue!

    Hi Deilight and :welcome: - nice to have you here.

    Sorry to hear you're hurting at the moment - sometimes it takes getting to that place to be able to find the strength/courage to start making small changes to start pulling yourself out of the darkness. This site is a wonderful tool to help you but you've got to be the driving force. You're so right about the snake eating its tail idea - the spiral sometimes seems impossible to break - but it's not. Think of the ripples on a lake when you throw the smallest pebble - how far those ripples spread. It may take only the smallest action to set other things moving and you can then build on that. I found the best way for me to stop drinking was look beyond it - what was it I wanted to achieve without the drink, rather than focusing on the not drinking, so little achievable goals and you may just find those ripples spreading faster than you can imagine. Little, little steps...!

    Good luck with your journey - we're here to share it with you and you know where to find us! :l
    :rays: Arial

    Last first day - 15th April 2012
    Goals:
    Days 1-7 DONE
    Days 8-14 DONE
    Days 15-21 DONE
    30 days DONE
    60 days
    100 days

    Comment


      #3
      Dark Blue!

      Hi Deilight,
      I feel for you. Try your darndest not to drink for a couple of days. Once you start feeling good about yourself and when the depression lifts, you will see things more clearly. You won't be as hard on yourself and will be able to handle situations much more better. Dig deep within yourself and try to get a handle on your drinking. Yesterday is gone. Don't think about what you did and said these past couple of days. Just live for today and make the best of it. Be good to yourself. Post on this board as much as you need to in order to get your feelings out and to get sound advise. I can relate to avoiding a parent. I avoided my father for some time, actually close to one year. Finally I came clean and admitted that I'm a problem drinker. It's a big weight off of my shoulders. Because of his and my husbands support, I'm no longer down on myself for saying and doing things that I have done in the past while drunk. I actually feel good about myself and have a better handle on life. Again, be good to yourself the next couple of days. Avoid alcholol, clear your head. Soon you will see things more clearly and will have the strength to better your relationship with your partner and straighten out your finances. I wish the best for you. -Reenie
      September 23, 2011

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        #4
        Dark Blue!

        Deilight. Welcome! Have you tried out the supps you can get here? To help with cravings. When I first started here, I did alot of reading of other peoples posts. They really helped me to feel like I wasnt alone in this. We are here for you and will support you as much as we can. All the best to you.. Bella xxx

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          #5
          Dark Blue!

          Arial- Thank you. After I posted my mis thread, I read your post about appreciating the things we have etc. It made me feel really bad and even paranoid that it may be directed at me (delusional-alcoholic-depressive!)LOL You are a wise person indeed. I agree with your thoughts on NOT thinking about NOT drinking. I have a piece written somewhere about that, I'll try find it and post it. Feel a bit like I'm spending too much time on this site as opposed to getting on with it. At the moment it just feels like a bit of a security blanket in my insecure. Ha ha, my mom used to use the analogy of the ripple to show the effects of my actions! mmm

          Reenie- Thank you too! I won't avoid my mom for that long, we're actually very close, I'm just so tired of hurting and disappointing her. She's well aware that I have a problem, she was there ten years ago when I had a drug problem. Just substituted with alcohol!

          Bella- Thank you 3! Have VERY LOW cash flow, so no supps, would love the book first, I just have to get a job before I can buy anything, need to pay my rent in 11 days! Round and round we go! Have a lot of vitamins and supps of my own- just need to remember to take them.

          Anyway, reading replies to my very blue post has made me feel better already. Thanks!
          Full is not nearly as heavy as empty, my love...
          Not nearly. -Fiona Apple-

          Comment


            #6
            Dark Blue!

            Hi Deilight! Please do not ever feel bad posting exactly what you are feeling. We share a problem dealing with alcohol in common - what better group to "let your hair down" and share exactly what is going on. Isn't it nice to know you are not alone?

            I believe the others have already given great advice. Seems you understand what the problem is - alcohol/depression spiral. I hope you can think things through and come up with some baby steps to start getting off that ride.

            As far as spending a lot of time here, I obviously do that too. For right now, it helps keep me strong in my quit and that's OK. MWO keeps me grounded and for now, if I spend all day on-line in between the work things that come up, that's OK. Priorities. It feels good to start getting some FREEDOM.

            Best wishes to you and I hope you post lots and figure out a good plan for you.

            DG
            Day 9 AF * * * * * * * * *
            Sobriety Date = 5/22/08
            Nicotine Free Date = 2/27/07


            One day at a time.

            Comment


              #7
              Dark Blue!

              Hi Deilight,

              Absolutely no - I rarely start threads but yesterday having been absent for a while I returned to find several people either in the midst of a disagreement or voicing concern over the messages posted or the 'feel' of the site, so it prompted me to share how much I felt the site and the amazing support here had given me - the rest was my personal reason for not participating for a while! And if sound like your mother, then I'm obviously in good company :H ! Hang in there and it's good to hear you sounding a bit more upbeat. It will come and go but staying here is definitely a step in the right direction and hopefully soon some of those pieces will start to fall in to place... Warmest wishes,
              :rays: Arial

              Last first day - 15th April 2012
              Goals:
              Days 1-7 DONE
              Days 8-14 DONE
              Days 15-21 DONE
              30 days DONE
              60 days
              100 days

              Comment

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