Need some buddies - Day 1 today 24th July

[prose]

Need some buddies - Day 1 today 24th July

Hi everyone, been so busy the past couple of days and haven't spent much time on the computer, so have missed a bit I think, Amelia, not sure what happened (is the venting in a different place or did i miss it here?), but i am trying to send happy thoughts across the ocean to you, I will be thinking about you a lot today and will check in this evening to see if any of thoughts arrived, just try to stay strong! I know you are....
i have been not able to abstain (or have chosen not to I guess) but have been able to cut back so i guess that is better than nothing. I can't find my meditation cd's, I had downloaded them but can't find them there either, then i hid the cd's (and of course I can't remember where!)because i didn't want anyone in my family to see them, i did manage to find another meditation online that i listened to 3 times yesterday, but fell asleep twice! but it was weird because it "counts you out" at the end and i woke up both times, so I am hoping that something stuck into the old brain.
i better head out, have such a busy day, just wanted to say hello to everyone GOOD JOB pinklady!!!!! i am so proud of you, hello to all i didn't name personally, good thoughts to you all as well, p

[wakupmom]

Need some buddies - Day 1 today 24th July

Hello All,Hope you are all well this weds.
I have been re-reading the posts over the last few days,with a clearer head.Great to see some new names and a big welcome to you.Well needless to say i lost my momentum and have been drinking for the last 3 nights YUK!YUK!YUK!It just comes out of no where.I just can't drink end of story.My starter pack still hasn't arrived.Do they really make a difference?(i know you have to want to do it too).Anyway enough of me.
Amelia,I read your earlier post,are you ok?Sending you a big hug.Wish i could make things better for you xxI live in Norfolk by the way,some lovely landscapes to paint here if you ever fancy a break!
Lillyrose,i hope you get this before you go,Please keep in touch if you can,but at the same time we need to have a break from everthing,get life into perspective.It would be good to hear from you but rest assured we will be here when you get back.Sending a big hug to you too.Happy hols.xx(Thanks for PM,sorry i didn't reply wasn't too hot)
Pinklady you are a star!.If you can survive in a vinyard you can survive anywhere.Engoy your hols,and the time with your Dad xx
Tahlula,Great to see your back on track.Keep up the good work.If at first you don't succeed try try again xx
Prose it was great to see you back again,sounds like your doing fab.Hope you find those CD'S.Know what you mean about forgetting where you put things.It is so annoying xx
Hi to Julie.Janet,and anyone else i haven't mentioned .My brain isn't what is was.
Also Poppy where are you girl,I really hope you are well,and will pop in soon.
So heres to another day-Thankyou all for being here xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[PinkLady]

Need some buddies - Day 1 today 24th July

Wakeupmom,

Sorry to hear you hit a rough patch. It is so much harder without the starter pack. Give it 3 days in your system and then I think you will notice the difference. Did you also get the CD's? Although I was SOOOOOO skeptical at first about hypnotherapy --- (and I'm not even sure that I am going under fully) --- I KNOW that the CD's are working for me!! Along with the alcohol help suggestions, I also planted healthy eating habits and exercise in there. I have actually been THINKING healthy and walking every day since then!! (If you knew me, you would know what kind of feat that is!!) Hang in there, help is on its way!

As for Napa, I am committed to being AF again tonight since we are eating in. I told myself that I would only have a glass or two if we were actually going out. This way, it seems like more of a social thing, not just another night in the house (even though I am on vacation in my Dad's house) drinking for the sake of drinking. So, don't be congratulating me too much --- I know that I will make it through the 10th night and see Day 11 AF tomorrow, but I think I will end up having a little while I am here. The trick will be to get right back on the bandwagon and start AF again!

Hang on and let me know if I can help at all. I am learning like everyone else here. We should not expect perfection of ourselves -----improvement and self awareness is a GREAT START!!

Welcome to all the new people! Hello, to all my other friends! )

Hugs!!!

[planetjanet]

Need some buddies - Day 1 today 24th July

Hello Everyone,

Congrats on your AF Day count :goodjob:

Amelia - I read your post earlier today while at work and I am concerned. Are you okay? I just want to tell you sweetie, that I know exactly what you are feeling with regards to your boyfriend, I too, share the same feeling. I too, would drink heavily whenever we fought or whenever I felt he wasn't taking care of my feelings, which was and has been the majority of our relationship. But I realized being AF that he isn't worth it, I understood that my feelings were real and that I wasn't going to let this "self absorbed" ass**** try to turn it around and make it like it was me, which he sooooo good at. And then I would get so fricken "frustrated", that I would drink to "self medicate" my unhappiness. I also realized that part of the reason why I put up with his BS is because I felt so low about msyelf due to my drinking. In fact, I still feel bad at times, but not as bad as when I was drinking, make sense?? Anywho, I just wanted to let you know that I am here for you and speaking from experience, HE'S NOT WORTH IT!! You are a good person and don't you dare let him try to make it like it's YOU, your feelings are real, that's why you are drinking. To fill a void of something that he is lacking in giving you, which is not a whole heck of alot to ask of your partner with regards to your feelings. What's so bothersome about my boyfriend is that he too, has a drinking issue and he is aware of it, but doesn't want to do a thing about it, he lives in denial. But that's his problem, not mine, I refuse to break my 30 day program because of his selfishness.......make sense??? I am still with my boyfriend, but feel the same way as you, things need to change. That's why my first step was to abstain for awhile.....a LONG WHILE... I hope this somewhat helps you....I am here for you. I just advise one thing, PLEASE don't talk to him when you have been drinking, trust me, it just make you look and feel worse.

PinkLady - That's great that you make another good choice to drink and I agree a nice glass of wine on a dinner outing sounds positive, would like to read about that experience. Congrats and I am really proud of you

Well, it's bedtime for me, as of 11:30pm this evening I will have been AF Day 14 and it feels great. The only thing that I have been depressed about is my relationship with my boyfriend and the fact that since I quit drinking, I have gained about 15 pounds. For me, when I drank, I lost weight.

Goodnight and Good Day to you all.

Lots of hugs & love,
Janet

[AMELIA]

Need some buddies - Day 1 today 24th July

Hey Guys, Do I need to tell you that I feel like the worst kind of crap imaginable today. A whole day of drinking and man, I feel BAD.
Thankyou so much, Pink Lady and Wakeupmom for your support - I really appreciate it.
I have to go to work today (no postponing this job - fortunately), so I am going to go for today being Day1 AF. I can not carry this 'bender' on any longer.
I will log on when I get home from work.
xx

[planetjanet]

Need some buddies - Day 1 today 24th July

Hi Amelia,

i just read your recent post, sorry to hear you are feeling bad. Drink lots of water and treat yourself to a nice meal or whatever will get you through the Day 1. Please keep me posted as to how you are doing. I am going to bed right now, but will check in to see how you are doing when I get into work.

Big hugs,
Janet

[wakupmom]

Need some buddies - Day 1 today 24th July

Good evening all
Amelia, Hope you are feeling better,please keep in touch and let us know how you are feeling.Do not be too hard on yourself .You have been a great inspiration to us all and you will be back i am sure(When you are ready that is)Hugs xx
Pinklady,Thankyou so much for your advice on the Supps.I am also VERY sceptic Ref the CD's,but have a very open mind.Whatever it takes i say!!Well done on your strong mind in regards abstaining-you have obviously found a way to resist -every day reinforses the message to the brain and you have done that.So long may it continue.This is so much a controll issue.It has taken years to get here, so it may take some time to reorganise that mindset xx
Janet,Well done on 14 days that is SOOOO good you must feel a true sense of achievment,Do keep us informed.Your journey is a valuable one to us all.xx
Tahlula,Hows things with you?xx
Max-where are you? Darlin!and hows them kittens doing?
Prose,Poppy,and all,Thinking of you and look forward to your posts.XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

[AMELIA]

Need some buddies - Day 1 today 24th July

Once again, Planet Janet (14 days, I am so jealous) and Wakeupmom, thank you for the comments. you are both really sweet.

XX

[AMELIA]

Need some buddies - Day 1 today 24th July

Hello all, where is everyone?? Feeling much better today. Hope everyone is doing really well!!
xx

[planetjanet]

Need some buddies - Day 1 today 24th July

Hi Everyone,

I am at work and just wanted to say a quick hello. I hope you all are having fun on your vactions, with your kids, hanging out with friends or just having fun with yourself, all the while being AF Congrats to those of you with acheiving your AF Day count and for those who didn't, no worries, just dust yourself off and get back on that horse.

Unfortunately, I have been in a really, really, bad FUNK. Funny thing is that I knew this "FUNK" existed but drank to just "deaden" it. The good thing is that I have no major urge to want to drink, which I believe to be ALOT of progress, however the pain of feeling this bad can be overwhelming. I am not happy in my relationship with my boyfriend, who would as my good friend put it: "throw me in front of a moving bus in order to make himself look better" but because I am so fricken insecure and feel unworthy due to my drinking, I put up with his crap. He too, has a drinking issue, of which he is so good at having his friends & family fooled, but oh boy when it comes to my drinking issue, he has no problem pointing the finger of judgment to his friends or family. It erks me when his friends compliment of what a great guy, which he really is, HOWEVER, there are two sides to him, he can the nice guy or a liar, he is the type of person who is a "do is I say, not as I do". I honestly believe that if I wasn't so "starved" for love (and he knows it), there is no way I would put up with the crap he has done to me. Now mind you, I too, have done some stupid stuff as well, which brings me back to feeling bad, thinking to myself "Well Janet, if you weren't drunk, he wouldn't have treated this way".

This saying also flows through other parts of my life and even though I tell myself that it's the past and I am doing what I can to fix it, it's hard to live with it right now and I am ever so confident now that I will be able to get through this especially if I can TRY to be consisent with my MWO PROGRAM(being number one), my workouts and other personal goals, I will get through I am excited that my 1/2 marathon is next weekend(8/18) and then I have a 10K (8/25) the following weekend. I will keep you posted......

Okay.....I guess you guys can read that I am not a happy camper right now....I just read what I wrote and whoa I guess it's just one of those days that I am in a serious FUNK, my feelings are real, it just gets overwhelming....it's so bad that it puts me in a "cocoon" of utter DESPAIR : ( You know the thought that crosses your mind "Gee, I wonder what my life would have been like had I not become a drunk" Can you relate? Anyone?

Amelia - Thank you for your reply, I felt kind of bad because when you had expressed your unhappiness with your boyfriend, it hit a nerve with me as well, but I might have gone over the top in giving you the advice, when in fact, I should have directed it towards myself. I hope you are not mad with me and no need to be jealous because of my AF Day count, you and everyone else gave me so much support that I wouldn't have been able to do it myself.

Well, gotta back to work...........

Thanks for reading and thanks for your support.


Janet :upset:
AF Day Count 17 (as of 11:30pm tonight)

[wakupmom]

Need some buddies - Day 1 today 24th July

Hi to you gals,
Janet.it sounds to me that you are just beating yourself up!Try to look at what you have achieved over the last two weeks.Although you feel inferior to your man.You are actually supperior,you may not see it today or tomorrow,but you will get it as long as you hold on.You need to understand its part of our make up that we feel so insecure/loath ourselfs we do not feel worthy.Lets try to get some sobriety under our skins and seek and really feel the way we are.I am the same as you in that i am trying to find myself .
Have recieved the long awaited starter pack today.have it all set infront of me in the pill box and waiting to jump.xx
Amelia, are you coming with me darlin?
Glad to here you are feling better.xx
Hi to everone else,hope you are all okxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[AMELIA]

Need some buddies - Day 1 today 24th July

Hello Planet Janet and Wakeupmom,

Janet, god no, you didn't go overboard at all. I just felt bad, because I do love him and each of us have our problems. He means the best, it is just insecurity and fear that have kept him trapped as far as work goes. The same things have kept me drinking. I think it's because I identify with where he is at that I felt soooo bad after venting. Plus, I think that when you are drinking (or have been for a long time), it does whittle down your confidence levels (as you said). I get so mixed up trying to work out what 'effect' my drinking has had on our relationship......

You sound like you are in a good place at the moment - apart from your 'funk'. Even your thoughts about your feelings at the moment sound healthy. I reckon you would feel a LOT worse if you were drinking.
You are doing it AF and that's what matters. Your 1/2 marathon next weekend and the 10k - fantastic goals. (man, you must be FIT, FIT, FIT!!)

Wakeupmom - I am glad to see that you have your supps etc now. I feel like I am still trying to 'find' myself as well. I have spent so many years in a drunk/hungover fuzz that I really don't know who I am or what I want.
When are you planning to start the program? I really want to get back on my AF count.
I would like to start Monday (cause I have a girls night out tonight) and there will be lots of fizz around.....

Great to see you both posting. WHERE is everyone else?????

Take care both of you and post soon!!!

xx

[prose]

Need some buddies - Day 1 today 24th July

Hello everyone!
I have been gone for a few days again, am now trying to catch up on the latest posts,
hey Pinklady, well done! you are a great inspiration.
Amelia and Planet Janet, it is so interesting what you say about looking back and wondering how your life would have been different if there hadn't been drinking, I do that alot and then of course get on the downward spiral of guilt, and then -hey-what better way to make yourself "feel better" than just have a drink to make that pain go away, and it all starts over again.....
I wonder if we could find some way to just shift out of that backward looking mode when it starts to happen, like tell ourselves, NOT GOING THERE, when our thoughts start to wander to the past, am i making any sense? seem to be rambling.
i haven't been af but have been having less so i guess that is better than nothing.
tonight we are going out and i am already trying to get myself phsyked (spelling?) up to have some control, there is a particular person that will be there whom i have a feeling likes to gossip about my drinking, not sure but just a feeling i get sometimes, and the odd thing is that you would think that i would have more control when i am in situations when she is there, but somehow it does the opposite and it pisses me off and i think-f###you, I am not going to give you any power over what i do, so i even drink more. now how is that for weird? boy i don't know if any of this makes any sense,
Hello again to everyone, glad to be back! I will try to check in later, if not then the tomorrow, hope everyone has a great sat!!!!
Prose

[wakupmom]

Need some buddies - Day 1 today 24th July

Hi,
Just checking in on this luvely summer sat eve!Had a great day went sailing with my son this morning,then had a cycle with both the kids this afternoon.Don't know what i would do without thier company sometimes.When i woke this morning i felt a little panicey.I took the allinone powder and almost thew up-god that is awful.Any suggestions to make it easier to take?I mixed it with gratefriut juice.With the rest of the pills.They are like horse tablets!!Please tell me it gets easier.Feel like i'd rattle.Then i went to the loo(sorry to discuss my toilet habits) ,but it really worried me, my urine was almost orange.Well i thought thats it have gone into liver failure.OMG!!Any experience of this anyone.
Reading your post today i was saddened that we all feel so reflective of our lifes,and "what might have beens"It can't have been that bad all the time ,i think that we are holding on to the later stages of this disease-i don't mean to offend here its just my way of expressing it.I really believe that its part of the process.The subconcios mind getting us to a place that we don't like,but we need in order to move forward.I know for me, yes i have had and still have some terrible memories/feelings of remorse but have also had some good times.Maybe we should not try to be too anylitacal,we do need to regain some sort of normality.We are not bad people,we just went too far.It all becomes soooo consuming.
So lets give ourselfs a break look forward not back.
Amelia, hope you have a great time tonight.I still want you to come with me,am taking the kids to Alton Towers for a few days as of Mon,so will be away from the boards.I will look forward to catching up.xx
Janet,dispite what you are feeling you are still abstaining.I think that is brill,Good luck with the runs,you really have some strenght to do that, physically and mentally xx
Prose,I think i had your post in my mind when sending this,hope it made sense xx
Heres to everyone else,have a great weekend xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[Cinders]

Need some buddies - Day 1 today 24th July

All too consuming!!

Great thought.

It becomes that way because, hmm. We wake up and have a hard time taking care of everyday business, our families, our lives. We know our bodies are taking a huge hit from what we are doing and we are "helpless" to stop the rollercoaster ride.

No. I refuse to stop identifying myself with this because I know that is what is consuming me. Piece by little piece. Inch by inch. Pretty soon there will be nothing left.

For some it is simply not this way. These are the "binge" drinkers who hit the bottle once in a while to excess and really regret it, but are helpless to stop the exceess once they start drinking, a problem all by itself, do NOT misunderstand me. A serious problem but NOT MY PROBLEM.

There are others, like myself, who hit the bottle EVERY SINGLE DAY, and are lucky to get through each and every day without losing their job, their family, their life. I insure through machinations that I don't drink/drive but many are not able to do that. I do not sit back and POINT MY FINGER because in their place, I would be there.

So, this 'DISEASE' consumes me. It consumes my waking moments, my sleeping moments, my unconsciousness and my entire existence. It consumes each and every single piece of my being. So, as I sit here and sip on my wine and wish I was a better person and a stronger person and a wiser person, I am simply no more than a drunk. Period.

I want to be much more than that and have never achieved anything more than that.

For those of you who are not in this hole, please ignore this missive, I do not mean to place you in here, we are many and many of you do not belong here. I do. For those who do belong here with me, let's not forget where we are today and where we want to be tomorrow.

Love and many, many, many hopes for sober tomorrows,
Cindi